My wife of 7 years started to have an affair with her coworker in February. I caught them in May. We found this website that day. Since then, I have caught her 3 more times. Once in early September, again December 4th and again yesterday. She swears it's only conversation with him. She made 49 calls from our house to him in the last month. He has called her at least that many. What can I do about her obvious addiction to this guy? Is her emotional need for conversation that strong? I can't think of anything other than divorce. I'm devasted. Do I walk away? This is going to be a long day.

daveindallas you need to calmly communicate (NOT demand) to her that certain boundaries need to be implemented and obeyed by both and NO CONTACT with OM is the MOST important one of all. Why? because even if their A is 'over' she is still depending on him to satisfy EN's that should be satisfied by you, her H. If she is unwilling to see the importance or the need for NO CONTACT then you have to decide if you want to continue to be married to her or you want to ride out the roller coaster until she decides to end her A with OM (It's still not over you know). If you opt for the latter then I suggest you read the Harley books 'Surviving An Affair''His Needs Her Needs''Love Busters' and John Gray's 'Men Are from Mars Women Are From Venus'.I would also like you to read What Are Plan A And Plan B, and WAT's Quick Start Guidelines For Betrayed Spouses AND MOST IMPORTANT of all is to avoid Love Busters (angry outbursts, selfish demands, disrespectful judgements, annoying habits, and independent behavior) because these will not only not help you stop your WW's behavior but will more than likely push her further away from you and towards OM.

Dave --

Welcome to MB -- a very good place to be when you're going through such a painful and bewildering time in your life.

Don't think divorce! You're a long way from having to go there at this point. What you're going through is a very hard thing--unbelieveably hard--but the solutions lie not in walking away but in confronting and growing. Those solutions apply directly to you, to your wife, and certainly to your marriage. Very little is solved by divorce.

Besides, it's way too early in the process and you're hurting way too much to consider major, life-altering decisions. You're in shock and you need time to adapt and recover without thinking about extraneous issues.

Of course you're devastated. Who wouldn't be under these circumstances. But even through your pain, you're starting to think things through and plan your recovery. You asked: "Is her emotional need for conversation that strong?" -- that could be the case. Is that an issue--an Emotional Need (EN)--in your relationship? My guess is that the Other Man (OM) apparently is meeting some EN's that she's not getting within your marriage. At the very least, this sounds like a full-blown Emotional Affair (EA).

When you say you've "caught her" four times, what exactly do you mean? Emails? Phone Calls? Physically together? Your term "addiction" is very apt; it is certainly an addiction. Now, what else is it symptomatic of? What other problems? How to neutralize?

Have you talked with her? What does she say? What is her reaction to your obvious pain? Does she care? Does she want to remain in your marriage? You must remain as strong as you can throughout this terrible ordeal. Around here, we say that when an Affair (A) is active, the participants are in The Fog; guarantees irrational and often unkind thinking, words and actions. If she's in The Fog, you won't--guaranteed--get straight answers or you'll hear things that you KNOW aren't true from her. Read WAT's "Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses" elsewhere on this JFO Forum.

You're not alone in this. We'll sit with you anytime you need it. We'll walk with you through this jungle. Post again and keep us in the loop, how you're doing, what you're feeling, what she's saying, etc. You have to hang in and know that you can get through all of this; you will make it.

Ammon

<small>[ January 01, 2003, 01:04 PM: Message edited by: Ammon ]</small>

Thank you for the replies. I have already checked the resources you suggested.

I found out about the OM from his girlfriend. She called me and told me what was going on. I checked her cell phone bills and uncovered everything. Every time I have caught them it's with phone records.

When I have confronted her with the evidence, she lies. She will not admit anything. She won't take responsibility for her actions. At times she shows remorse and promises to stop. The last couple of times they just found another way. Only to be caught again.

She wants to talk today but I can't. The pain and anger are unbearable. I want answers, I want the truth, she can't or won't provide either. She explained it yesterday as, "He was someone to talk to and he was my friend".

She says there has been no contact of any kind since 12/22. I don't believe her. I can't believe anything she says because she has lied so many times before.

Thank you so much for your understanding I need that today.

Dave --

Thanks for getting back to us so quickly; glad you've read the sources we've recommended. There's lots more on this site so browse away.

It seems that a Plan "A" is the next step for you: negotiate a NC (No Contact) agreement between W and OM. You won't be able to even think reconciliation until the A has ended, so that's the likely place to start. Get him out of the picture and she'll have more ability to focus on you and your marriage. But she's got to want to do it.

Of course you can't believe her; The Fog prevents truthful thoughts and words from her. As long as she's involved with OM, emotionally or physically, she can't be any other place (meaning "in" your marriage). How DOES she explain the phone records? At lease some of the time, she admits to the A: "At times she shows remorse and promises to stop." -- so it's not completely obscure for her. Are they seeing each other? You already know it's an EA. Is this also a physical affair (PA)?

"She wants to talk today but I can't." -- then don't; recovery has to work and be comfortable for you, on your timetable. On the other hand, you say, "I want answers, I want the truth" so when she agrees to talk with you, maybe you need to prepare yourself and just do it. If she wants a meaningful reconciliation, she's going to have to give you whatever information you need to help you recover. If you're ever going to trust her again, she's got to be trustworthy, has to earn it back again.

It's going to take time and lots of patience but recovery is possible. Even when you're run out of hope, there's still hope. You have to hang in there and be an advocate for your marriage. She's not going to be able to help with that as long as she's involved with OM.

Hang in, Dave. A "Happy New Year" greeting is not out of place, since we all wish that for each other and trust that this New Year will be better than the last.

Ammon

I would recommend attaching a voice activated tape recorder (which you can purchase at Radio Shack) with the accessories to attach to your telephone line where she cannot see it. The chances are that she will use the telephone to call him so that there is no record of doing so as there is with a cell.