D-Day was 1 month ago. That's when I discovered my wife at the OM's house (a mutual friend). She told me that night she wanted out, didn't love me anymore, wanted to be alone.

She promised no physical contact with him, and agreed to go to MC (to make it easier on me). The entire time she has held fast that she doesn't want anyone else, she just wants to be alone.

I know there is an EA happening. She won't admit it, neither will he. It is much worse than I had ever imagined.... she doesn't know I know yet, I don't know what to do.

Should I come forward with my proof now, or should I wait and keep trying? I'm afraid if I come forward now it will drive them deeper into secrecy and I won't have any avenues to pursue the truth. She is unwilling to try or commit to trying. She is attending MC, but as I said "Only to make it easier on me". She agreed to go to church with me this morning, but not voluntarily.

I am sorry for your pain. Your wife is acting quite typical of a cheating spouse. I would assume she is in a physical relationship with the OM and does not find it difficult to lie to you. It becomes easier for them the longer the affair continues. If the OM is married then immediately contact his spouse. When the affair is exposed to the light of day it tends to break down. Make it known that the affair exists. If the OM is single it is much more of a problem. At this point I would not believe anything your spouse says. They will always claim later that they lied to you just to spare your feelings.
She is refusing any counseling and lying and continuing with the affair. I would suggest that for your own protection you contact an attorney to protect your interests. You must be aware of all of your options. She is in a fog and the problem is nobody knows what her next actions will be. Do the best you can but protect yourself. Make her aware that there are consequences to her actions or otherwise she will see this as enabling her affair. I wish you luck.

The OM is engaged to someone 1/2 his age, and they do not have a very good relationship. I'm not sure she would believe me if I did tell her, but if I did I'm sure she would leave him immediately. This would make him single, and increase the problem.

I'm dying here and I don't know what to do. I've prayed so much, and I'm reading everything I can get my hands on. I just don't know what to do...

TM:

Your description of how you're feeling about what your W is doing is the key to your "instructions" here. You don't want to lose your M, or your W, so you have to work on plan A. It will be hard. I started almost a year ago, and really screwed it up bad for about 7 months. But though it may not get "easier" necessarily, it does get to the point where you know there's no better way to behave for YOU. It will change your life and improve all your relationships, and hopefully save your primary one.

During this time, try to just be loving to your W and keep yourself upbeat. "Coming around" is truly up to her. As for revealing your "proof", that is entirely up to you. I did right away, which exposed the A, but it also might drive her "underground" as you suggest. My W even threatened to do that, and did. But you'll also find yourself getting to a point where you won't need the proof that something's going on, because you will know from her behavior - what she says, how she acts/reacts. You also may find that snooping into her "privacy" will make you crazier than it's worth, but not all people feel that way.

I still don't have a NC agreement with my W almost a year after D-day, but plan A has really helped me improve OUR relationship during this time. In the end, she will either not need the OM in any way, shape, or form, or I won't need her. I'm hoping that transition will occur soon, but it might not. Patience is the key that I have the most time with, even now. But when I am patient, I'm always rewarded.

Take care,

TM94, what do you mean by "lose faith and begin a mutual open relationship"?

Michael

We strayed from our Christian beliefs, became very worldly and became involved in pornography. We shared our fantasies with each other, then we carried them out. That was the worst mistake I've made in my life thus far.

Some would define it as "swinging". We had other people in our bed, and we knew about it. 99% of the time we were together when anything happened. I know who she's slept with, she knows who I've slept with. Until the OM we had always done everything together...

I am ashamed and embarassed for the life we have lived the past few years, but I know there is nothing I can do about the past, only now and in the future. I know the Lord will forgive me if I can ever forgive myself...

Well she has finally admitted it. She admitted she is in love with OM. Says she's never loved me, I don't know what love is, she knows she's in love with him.

She's packing today, no idea how or when she will move out. She cannot afford gas money to get back and forth to work.

She has stopped telling me she loves me, still tells him. She is pushing me away so hard and so fast, today is especially bad. She is extremely angry at me for something, won't say what. I think it might be because I talked to friends and OM yesterday, now everyone knows.

I don't know, but I'm working on myself and hoping someday she'll come to her senses and realize what she's doing.