Used --
Ups and downs in the recovery process are very common, normal, usual. Just when we think we might be on an upswing, something interferes with our progress and suddenly we're back at the starting gate. Two or three steps backward for every tiny one forward; puzzling and immensely frustrating, but pretty standard fare.
Last night's garage discovery is terribly painful for you, but must be seen within the context of this process. In that sense, given this recovery process and its necessary stages, one can regard the backsteps as vital and intrinsic to your healing, individually and together. In other words, maybe they have to be there and you have to go through them. If you could look at things in that light, it would help you to see how everything fits together and contributes its own piece of the puzzle. You don't welcome the setbacks, but they too help you to move forward.
One of the wonderful values of this board is that our members understand each other. We know where you are and know what you're feeling and going through. We've been there ourselves or have sat with each other and listened and empathized and consoled. Our stories are all different but they're all painfully the same.
You said, "I feel like a fool sitting here and crying and writing this." -- I hear you; I know that's what you're feeling. Not feeling foolish on our account I hope; that's what we're here for. Write to us anytime, cry your eyes out (vital also to the process of healing), let us share your burden.
"I want to crawl in a corner and hide." -- But you didn't! You've posted here instead and let us get involved with you and your situation. You've reached out and allowed us to participate.
"I don't know who the man I married is and even worse I don't know the woman I'm becoming." -- The man you married, believe it or not, is still in there but you can't recognize him as he's buried under tons of baggage right now. He's there but you can't see him and he won't let you see him.
You, on the other hand, are reacting and responding to the situation and to his changes and trying your very best to cope and keep your head above water. The things you are thinking or feeling or doing that you don't like about yourself must be viewed in that light. These are not normal, predictable, stable or easy times for you; therefore these new behaviors have come about as the result. You are, right now, exactly where you need to be with this. It does get better as you get better, as you regain your balance and equilibrium, as you regain your strength and stamina.
I'm glad you've said again that you "want to try" to work this out. You knew it was a long and uncertain journey, but one which, for you, must be made. No guarantees here but you want to know you've done everything possible to right this ship.
I'm glad you're still hanging in there, Used, even after last night's harmful discovery. Remember, most of this work now is for you, not your marriage or your H. We're here for you...
Ammon
<small>[ January 10, 2003, 11:33 AM: Message edited by: Ammon ]</small>