I'm shaking so badly I can barely type. If you read any of my past posts you will see that I really thought that my H had made the decision to put the past behind us and try to rebuild our M. Things for the last couple of days had been great. I was sure I could tackle this like I've always done any problem I've ever had. I should have known from reading this MB that I was deluding myself.

Last night I was in bed sleeping when something woke me up, maybe the finger of God. I relized my H wasn't in bed so I walked into the hall and saw there were no lights on. Wandered around and something drew me to the garage. As I got closer I heard the car door close. I sat on the couch in the dark and waited for my H to come in. When he did I asked if he was in there to use his cell. He admitted that he had tryed to make contact with OW but had been unable to. I lost it. We had a long talk last night and again this morning and found things I didn't know before.

It seem they had and ongoing EA before they actually met and that it's "true love" The kind "we never had" He knows he's committed to staying for the kids but doesn't know if he can ever commit to me like to OW. I'm plan Aing for all I'm worth but to be honest I look him in the face as he's talking and I want to punch his lights out. I feel some real scary hate there and it worries me.

In my mind I relize this is a long drawn out process and we may never resolve it but I do want to try. I guess I don't know how long I can be understanding and try to remain calm when I feel like he's ripping my heart out. I'm just so scared and sad at the same time and I can't stop shaking.

I feel like a fool sitting here and crying and writing this. I want to crawl in a corner and hide. I don't know who the man I married is and even worse I don't know the woman I'm becoming.

Please help me.

Used --

Ups and downs in the recovery process are very common, normal, usual. Just when we think we might be on an upswing, something interferes with our progress and suddenly we're back at the starting gate. Two or three steps backward for every tiny one forward; puzzling and immensely frustrating, but pretty standard fare.

Last night's garage discovery is terribly painful for you, but must be seen within the context of this process. In that sense, given this recovery process and its necessary stages, one can regard the backsteps as vital and intrinsic to your healing, individually and together. In other words, maybe they have to be there and you have to go through them. If you could look at things in that light, it would help you to see how everything fits together and contributes its own piece of the puzzle. You don't welcome the setbacks, but they too help you to move forward.

One of the wonderful values of this board is that our members understand each other. We know where you are and know what you're feeling and going through. We've been there ourselves or have sat with each other and listened and empathized and consoled. Our stories are all different but they're all painfully the same.

You said, "I feel like a fool sitting here and crying and writing this." -- I hear you; I know that's what you're feeling. Not feeling foolish on our account I hope; that's what we're here for. Write to us anytime, cry your eyes out (vital also to the process of healing), let us share your burden.

"I want to crawl in a corner and hide." -- But you didn't! You've posted here instead and let us get involved with you and your situation. You've reached out and allowed us to participate.

"I don't know who the man I married is and even worse I don't know the woman I'm becoming." -- The man you married, believe it or not, is still in there but you can't recognize him as he's buried under tons of baggage right now. He's there but you can't see him and he won't let you see him.

You, on the other hand, are reacting and responding to the situation and to his changes and trying your very best to cope and keep your head above water. The things you are thinking or feeling or doing that you don't like about yourself must be viewed in that light. These are not normal, predictable, stable or easy times for you; therefore these new behaviors have come about as the result. You are, right now, exactly where you need to be with this. It does get better as you get better, as you regain your balance and equilibrium, as you regain your strength and stamina.

I'm glad you've said again that you "want to try" to work this out. You knew it was a long and uncertain journey, but one which, for you, must be made. No guarantees here but you want to know you've done everything possible to right this ship.

I'm glad you're still hanging in there, Used, even after last night's harmful discovery. Remember, most of this work now is for you, not your marriage or your H. We're here for you...

Ammon

<small>[ January 10, 2003, 11:33 AM: Message edited by: Ammon ]</small>

Ammon,

Thank you for your thoughts. You are right, I have to get used to the ups and downs and that means reading, posting and taking care of myself thru this.

I had made a decision not to snoop and try to find out who OW is (she in other state)but this morning I was so angry I checked his cell phone and voice mail. Nothing there but I felt like creepy doing it. And I might be stupid but I told my husband I did it. I guess if I want him to be honest I have to be too. He said he understood why I did it and didn't blame me but I could tell he was uncomfortable with the info. Am I being stupid not to snoop? I hate this.

I keeping asking did I do something so bad in my life that this is my karma? I know I wasn't a perfect wife but I sure tried to be the best one I could. What is really so pathetic is I do love my H still. You never know how you'll react to something like this until it actually happens to you, cause it never occured to me that I would do anything but packup his stuff and toss it and him out the door.

Say a little prayer for me and I'll do the same for you and everyone else.

Used

u&a-

My heart is bleeding tears for you!!

I pulled the same crap on my W at one point...although part of it was head games...I didn't "love" OW...but was seeking attention from OW in a way my W couldn't give me! No strings with children.

Off and on I was having trouble with my step-children and their lack of obedience...also suspected my W of having long distance EA with a friend from years ago. It all added up to me not feeling as though I was her one and only! These issues coupled with never feeling accepted by my Mother "mommy dearest" certainly compounded the issue...those things are past, now.

I thank God for such a renewal in my life!

Reading your words splits my heart in two, as those are the same words (verbatim) my W used with me!!!

I can only say I am TRULY SORRY FOR YOUR PAIN!

My thoughts and prayers ae with you during this difficult time.

I pray for God to deliver your H!

In Christ's Name!
<><

Dear Catch,

Thanks for posting. It's good to hear from someone who is a recovered WS. It makes me believe that down the road somewhere is light at the end of the tunnel. I know there is so much that is good in my M, my kids being the top of the list. Hearing you say some of the things you said really weren't true gives me hope. Thank you.

Used