hello -- I have been married for 20 years (this sept) and I confessed to my wife 2.5 years ago that i cheated 4 times during the first 15 years of our marriage.
Not to make it sound like these are excuses -- but 2 of the times either drugs or alchol were involved and the other 2 times we were seperated. The first 2 incidents were not what one would call an "affair" as it happened and i never saw the woman again. The other 2 "cheats" when we were seperated involved her sister and there was no intercourse involved -- just oral performed by her.
I know that is about as low as one can go -- and i have beat myself up for all of these years since it happened. i ruined a family relationship for my wife and I dont think they will ever talk again.

My wife has never been a very trusting person as she had been burned by men since she was a child. she always looked at me as a "knight in shining armor" until i told her about everything -- i just couldnt keep it inside. i felt very releived when i told her as I had become a christian some years before and i felt that God had convicted me to bring it out.

Since i have told her our life has been borderline crazy -- we seperated -- lost our house -- got back together and have started over but the pain and distrust that she has for me has not gone away. Every argument boils down to me cheating. Every morning our day starts off with a 1-2 hour recital of everything i have done wrong -- and my unwillingness to make it right (as she sees it).

My job takes me away for 1-2 days and i stay in a hotel on the "other end of the road". This also causes a lot of distrust on her part. I always stay in my room and call her to let her know when i going to eat etc. I also carry a cell phone so she can contact me at anytime -- as i try to instill trust for her. She says if i quit my job that will show her i love her and that she could trust me -- but i cant quit as the job pays me 60 - 80K per year and i dont have any other skills to aquire a job that pays close to that.

There are so many other things -- I could go on all day.

I truley love my wife but the barrier that is there can not be overcome -- we are both christians and she says she has forgiven me but when will she overcome this if ever.

Anyone with any ideas, insight, or comments please respond.

Get her over in front of the computer, click on the link in my signature line and read it and all the imbedded links together with her. Let us know her reaction. I will say the job is a problem. Not insoluble, but a problem all the same. I am really glad that my wife's travel has been minimal during our recovery, because every time she is away is a problem for me. It IS becoming less of a problem over time, though.

<small>[ April 14, 2003, 11:30 PM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

Yes, she can recover..you both can..but it does take a lot of hard work! In addition to this site and what you see in John's link, I would go out and buy Torn Asunder by Dave Carder. I would also try to book a phone session with one of the Harley's. Have either of you been in IC or MC, if not I'd highly recommend it. You need to process the A's (both of you do). A's don't just happen, you mentioned drugs or alcohol were involved a couple of times...well...must have been a reason for that and for the problems that caused you to separate. If you want to learn more about couples in recovery...check out the "in recovery" board. You can do a search if you'd like on the trial's and tribulations of my FWH's and my recovery...was short because we both worked really hard to work out our individual and marriage problems.

Best Wishes!

Yes, she can recover...if she wants to do so. If you and your W have not been in counseling...why not? If you have been are you still going...if not...WHY?

See if you can interest her into joining this site, hopefully some of us can help her see that she can have a better marriage not one that's only patched together with a bandaid.

I'm not going to try and do any mindreading...as that is NOT allowed! LOL So I can't tell you why she is feeling how she feels. But they are her feelings and she has a right to them.

You seem to be doing as much as you can, but does she know this? Often we believe we are doing everything, when our spouse doesn't really see it.

You'll note that I'm soon to be reaching three years after discovery of my H's affair...and it was only one and it was a short term affair which didn't involve a close family member, and I still have healing to do. You're W has suffered a double betrayal in one instance (with her sister) and multi-betrayals over a 15 year period. This is NOT an easy one to overcome.

What is it about your job that makes your W want you to give it up? Is it the traveling? Did your other betrayals occur during business trips? Why does she feel this is necessary?

btw...what was the time line of your telling her, separating, and getting back together? Just how long have the two of you been back together during this 2.5 years after your confession? While this may seem to be all of a time, to your W, all of these dates are separate. If you have not been back together for the majority of this 2.5 years...that may be your answer...it's still too soon to expect any "getting over it".