Please o please tell me your not a lakeland ind????this would be to weird

Cinn,

Think about telling your H that you filed for the Child Support (that is, if that won't endanger the final outcome a coule of months from now by allowing him to hide assets, etc.).

If you do choose to tell him, explain to him that you feel it necessary to protect the children (and about the $600 in the hole you are now because of what SHE did). Just state the facts. It is understandable that you need some financial structure in this very trying time and you can't rely on him right now to do the right thing.

You can tell him you still hope that your marriage will work out, but as each day goes by you feel there is less and less a chance of that happening and you want to make sure the children are protected.

How can he argue with that? And if she sees his money is going to be impacted, she might start changing her tune.

You're right, though, as far as telling him what her EX has told you. He won't believe it and it'll just make you look bad. As for her using your name to cash in tickets.... hmmmm.... I might talk to an attorney about that to get some advice on how she might have put you at risk and whether charges could be brought all these many years later. That one just sticks in my craw.

Hi

I haven't posted in ages and only occasionally lurked, although I am now coming back. I just wanted you to know that I am also in your situation. The ow in my case was a former best friend of a number of years. She used our friendship against me with her lies to get to my husband. She told him what a vile selfish lazy person I was and how I had never loved him. More fool him he believed her lies. He says he loves her. She has done this before and has a son as a result of a previous A. She has never been married. She doesn't know what a R is. She says you don't have to work on R. He says him and her have a spark that he didnt feel with me anymore.

My signature is well out of date. I have been through plan B again and moved out - he wouldn't and she said they needed to date to further their R! After a month he asked me back saying he needed help getting rid of ow. I moved back and have been home for a month. ow seems to have kept away, but I feel it is now going wrong again and contact is starting.

I am at the end of the road only so far as if it does start again, I know I will survive and will go straight into a strong plan B and seperate financially.

I am sorry you are going through this. Like you, I know my h loves me. I really feel that if ow was a different person (not a former friend), it would have been over a long time ago. ow has used all the tricks - pregnancy (immediatly followed by a convenient miscarriage, another R (convenient again as it was not local), lies, manipulation, agression, her son.....the list goes on. In my view, she is evil. I fell pregnant with twins earlier in the year. The day before my scan, h told me he wanted to be with ow. The scan showed I had miscarried and needed an op. That night he got back with ow and told her all about it. My sister and a friend send texts to h telling him he should be with me not her. ow sent a reply to me calling me a b!tch for hurting him by getting people to hound him!!! Following my op I went into plan B and moved out. All contact with her has been abusive. She would contact me to tell me when and where they were at it to get me to go away. H can;'t see any of this which is sad.

I think she wants the life she perceives h and I live. I think she sees me as competition. H has not been faithful to her b/c he still loves me but he is running so scared. I know if he ends up with her he will be hurt and possibly ruined, but thats his choice and his life. I can't be a mother to him. I have tried.

I hope I am wrong and he is just in withdrawal, but my instincts are strong on this.

It sounds like your h is being swept along. It sounds like you are doing well in keeping seperate but showing him you still love him and are there for him. Please don't make my mistake in being clingy and letting him walk all over you. It doesn't sound like you are which is good.

I hope this week is good for you and your family.

lh

I am in the Dallas area... not IND.

I had another melt down last night. I went to a my friends house and cried for 2 hours. I think I need to put some distance between him and I. I dont know that it is good to talk to him everytday as he is getting use to it. I am going to try to limit my conversations to maybe twice a week or so.. He needs to miss me and by talking to me EVERYDAY, he is not. He is getting his "fix".

I told him today that I think it is time that I start to date people if they ask. ( I am not looking for a bed partner ) He kinda sat there and then said well thats good. So I dont know if
that was good or bad, but I do need to start moving foreward.

Im sorry you had a melt down.
I dont know if dating at this time would be a good thing, I know for me it wouldnt. TO easy to confuse yourself and others.Does tha tmake any sense? I wouldnt want to bring another innocent into my mess. Plus for you emotionally is it the right thing?
Not judging just asking as our stories are so close.
I read a interesting post today by star. It said try to write everything as if your spouse was r eading. Im not ashamed of any I have written and am thinking of printting mine off for hubby to read. I think its time for me to share with him what Ive shared with you all. I will be mailing you today hope today is 1000 times better than yest.

The dating thing scares the S*** out of me. Emotionally I dont know if I am ready to be alone with another person. I do know that I miss that adult conversation bewtween male/female. I would really like to find someone that I could consider a friend.Someone that I could go out with and just have fun. I have been out of the loop for soooooo long that I feel uncomfortable when I go out with our friends.

Plus, I feel like something is "missing", you know, its like everyone is still the same and then there is you. I feel like the odd man. Whats really weird is that my husband stopped contacting his best friend. His wife is a very good friend to me and has been a rock to me during all this. These kind of things really showed you who your friends are. Anyway, I cry to her. So when I am with them its strange, because her is my husbands supposed best freind, he wont contact him because he hates my ex-bf (has from the time he met her). Right now he is the only person in our daughters life that hasnt walked away. I tell them all the time how much I appreciate it. When we go over there she latches on to him, follows him everywhere. We are calling her shadow. The thing is thats not his responsibility to give her the emotional support she needs and I resent my husband for that. She should not have to look somewhere else.

I am going to a party this weekend. Its my brothers birthday. Its also my ex-bf birthday sunday and that will be a very hard day because I know that MY HUSBAND will be doing something very special for her and that really bothers me...

People keep telling me that time will heal this, but quite frankly, I dont feel any better about it than I did when I found out.

Ive sent you a email if its the right addie respond and you will see a tale of romance destruction and lies..All the things a good soap is made of..You will also see that after all that all things are possible...

Hi

I hope today is a better day for you.

When freinds say, its ok, it will get easier, or its ok, you will get over it, it doesn't help at all, but they don't know how to deal with your situation. No-one does unless they are unfortunate enough to go through it themselves and then its not the same for everyone.

If your h is anything leke mine, he will firstly want to hurt you to justify what he is doing. Then he will want to sit on the fence or have his cake. He will be seeing her and she will be meeting some of his needs, but you have met his needs for longer and so he will wnat to hold onto you as well. This is good for him but bad for your sanity.

In my view, you should consider what led to the A and what he is seeking in the ow and what has changed in you since you first fell in love. In my view (others will disagree), a good plan A is about looking at your self and making changes that are acceprtable to you that your ws is missing in you. In my case working uout what needs of my h were unfulfilled was easy as was making changes to my self. What is hard is understanding why he just didn't open his mouth and tell me what was wrong before he went to ow!

While in plan A mode, you should keep in contact with h to demomstarte to him the new you. When contact gets too much to handle, or the cake eating gets too bad, then plan B steps in. Planb is basically stopping all contact with h apart from the necessary contact re the kids. This would have the purpose of pushing h to ow so she has to fullfill all his needs. This means he has to live the reality of his new life and she will drop her angel routine and he will face facts.

Plan B hurts but it can be good and necessary. My mistake was allowing myself to be a crutch for my h. He left so many times and came back so many times. He learnt that both ow and me would have him back. He has not has to face his concerns or learn about life, because he can be bad and get away with it. Don't let your h learn this.

Have you read surviving an Affair and his needs her needs? They are good books, but all the info in them is free on this site if you serch for it.

In my view, you probably don't know what you want to do at the moment, whether you want him back or not. I don't, all I know is I don't want her to have him! What I do know, is that with me, if it goes wrong again, I will be straight back in a solid plan B. I have demonstrated my changes and can do no more on that. I stayed in contact for way too long and that harmed me a lot. Please don't let that happen to you.

Take care.

lh

I have already realized that there was something missing from me that made him turn to her. When I asked him about that he couldnt really answer it. So I dont know. I did sit down and make a list of all MY FAULTS. How I saw myself treat him in situations. I have had to take a very long hard look at myself and I think my worse problem was that I spoke to him not with him. I have no idea what runs through his head. He refuses to take responsibility for ANYTHING. Even his denial of the affair (they are living together.. ya, no affair)..

This morning he called me and was completly hostile. Trying his hardest to make me argue back. I just told him, I was going to let him go and we would talk later, that did not like talking with him like this. He kept trying to keep me on the phone, waiting for me to fire back and I wouldnt. I finally hung up and he called back about 20 minutes later and apologized.

The only thing I can think of is that he is suppose to do some fence work this evening and by picking a fight he could say he wasnt going over there.

He was going off about our daughter and saying that I am trying to turn her against him, I hate him, I never loved him.. the same song he always sings when he is this way. I just explained to him that I dont have to turn our kids against him that HE was doing a good job on his own, and that I instead reaasure them that he loves them.

I also told him that this is the life that he chose for me... and that yes, one day a man will come into it and he will have to share his kids with that man. If he didnt like it or wanted it different he could come home and work on his family. So then he says yeah and have you yelling at me all the time ... right....

I told him that yelling didnt get us anywhere. But in his mind (and I am sure I can thanks my EX-BF) he is convinsed that I will never change and that I some kind of screaming banchee (actually she is).

Who knows...

Hey lady...
You did good not arguing back. It solves nothing.
Your in my thoughts, maybe he is startting to see wha the has done. Who knows whats going thru th ews mind when they behave as a child.

he has me so damned confused... I am convinced that I am married to 2 different men. He is coming over tonight and I really dont wont any confrontations so I think I will stay in the house and just do my normal stuff. wish me luck!!

I wish you way more than luck...I wish you peace...Ill be saying a prayer for ya tonight ...Nothing negative only positve...And if you want to know something ask...Honesty first...

Well last night went pretty good. He showed up and forgot concrete. But at first he was kind of reserved. We went to Home Depot and on the way there I asked him why when he is with me he shuts up and acts distant, but when we are on the phone, he is himself. He just said he was tired, so I told him that I just wished he would be himself. He asked me to stop at a c-store so he could get some beer and I said "oh you got permission" he was like " what? I dont need permission" See she has convinced him that he has a drinking problem, because he has always come home and had a couple of beers, not a 6 pack just a couple, but thats him... It always was. We go into the store and I was just laughing at him. He asks why I am laughing and I tell him I am just laughing at him. As we are standing at the counter, I point to his beer and say, this is the Danny I know. He just smiled. We get back home and I went in so he and our son could get on the fence. He calls me out and asks me to get him a beer, so I bring him and me one out. I tuck his in my arm and he walks over and takes it acouple of minutes later. It was like we were "us" again. We were joking and laughing, etc. He left about 30 minutes later and then he called me at 10. We sat there and talked for an hour, just cutting up and being ourselves. I really enjoyed it.

She wasnt there and I know that he probably had not seen her, so he was Danny. I just dont understand him. I havent called him today and I am not sure I want to.

I ahd a dream last night that he was talking to her and I could hear them and he was saying that he was being nice to me to keep him off his back. (this is what I think is really going on) I dont know if it was my subconsious talking to my consious.

I dont trust him, I take everything he says with a grain of salt and I dont like that I have to be so mistrusting. But until he can come clean I have to be this way and it throws mixed signals in there.

What do you think?

I think everything you are feeling is normal...
I know I could always tell when they had talked , he turned into a real butt....BUt with nc he was the man I knew...I cant give you a answer...If he had someone to talk to to let it all out...Now hold on Im not defending him ok,,,Im just saying from my experience that once he opened up so much changed..Its just getting to that point. Im glad you had a good night Nd sorry you had a crappy dream..I do that still....I can only give you a cyber hug {{{}}}}} an dhope you have a good day today...One day at a time...patience and do something noce for yourself. Make yourself feel good...Your worth it...

I wish he had someone he could talk to. The first thing he did was alienate himself from his best friends and people who care about him. He still will not call them, he thinks they are "turned against him" ..wonder where he got that from. The only people he talks to from our life is me and the kids and thats limited. I have asked him why he wont call, they are there for him. Our friends have not chosen sides, they love both of us and have said they are here for us both. His best friend is so hurt, he told me that he guesses that he wasnt the freind to Danny that Danny was to him and he doesnt understand why he will not call him. He did call him a week after he left and told him they were still buds, etc. but since then no contact. Another friend let him stay with him for the first week and then felt like he could not be fair (between us) so he asked him to leave (he later told me 3 days afterwards) even gave him his last $100, to help him with a hotel. Danny still hasnt called him. All he has to talk to is me, and of course he still will not open himself up to me and TALK.

There are days like today when I ask myself "why" I am trying... its one sided...But I love him and I just cannot give up that easily on our marriage. Not when there are 4 children who are affected by this. They want him back too, they miss him, they miss the security of him there with them and they are hurting and he is not there for them.

Can you tell I am having a bad day???

How are you holding up? We always talk about me.

Yes I can tell its a bad day for you..Sorry...
Chin up lady, why cant his friends go to him, find, no pressure just let him know he isnt all alone him, seek him out. He may think (with her help) she is all he has...I know it seems like your the one hurting and have been messed on and you have. But sometimes people never grown up in some ways, and emotionally he may be swayed way to easily...Thats a character flaw he needs to address...Would be nice if he would go to counseling...IM composing (lol like my big word for the day?} some more to send to you...If you feel the time is right let him see it...Im not ashamed of what Ive went thru and am going thru..
I can only relate my experiences and the outcomes and damages....There has been good to come out of it... BTW Im doing ok, some problems with kid last night, or should I say her ex-bf...THen I have folks in this morning asking for the ow and saying htey heard things...I just told em IM not in the mood...Her messages still going up all over...What a day!

Wasnt able to access mail today but will send info promised...How has things went so far???you holding up ok????

Hi

Am having a bad weekend. Sorry to interuopt your thread. I can't cope with one of my own at the moment.

H decided yesterday that it wasn't working and he wanted ow back. He hasn't been in contact with her other than sending her 2 letters (after she dropped by our shop and he saw her for the 1st time in over a month). The pain of withdrawal got too much for him again. I have been here so often, I just can't belive he has done it again.

I think my mistake is in bbeing too nice and accomodating and in always being available. He feels he has to work at being with ow and not with me. I want him to work on being with me. All he needed to do was open up with me about his true feelings, but that was to much to ask. He is sleeping in a spare room and says he will look for a place of his own. He wants to get back with ow if she will have him. He says he doesn't know if she will, but I know she will, she always has.

I can't understand why she puts up with it. I only do, because I know the and love the man my h used to be and we have been together 15 yrs. I know the pain he is in, mainly caused by his life crisis, but she has him convinced its all down to me. She has known him 5 mins, why does she fight? I jus don't understand.

Iv'e vented now. I hope things are better with you.

lh

Personally I am not one to give advise right now.

Thursday, I was sitting in my office and I just busted out crying, I had to leave and then when I got home I had to call my husband about the fence and he goes off on me.... I just shut down, cried for 5 hours then I had enough. I wrote him a 9 page letter letting him know exactly how I felt, and how he has made me and our children feel. I told him he was unhealthy and not to contact me anymore, that I could not deal with him. I took off my job the next day and went to his work, dropped it off in his car and tried to enjoy my weekend.

At 2 oclock this morning he calls me crying, telling me he had a dream that I died. It scared the hell out of him. We talked until 3:45 and the whole time he cried. I cried some of the time, but other then that I held my ground with him and didnt give in to HIS sadness.

He called me again this morning on my way to work to see if I made it up ok (no sleep) and we talked for a few minutes.

I dont know what is happening or wy we keep going in circles. He did admit that he did always love me, he just fell out of love with me. That made me feel a little better since he had gone as far to tell me once that he never loved me. I told him that I dont know this person he has become and that I dont like him. That the person I know and love is the man I was married to and that I knew somewhere deep in his soul, he is there, and I hoped one day he would surface again.

I think he will be changing his mind soon when he gets served the papers for child support, but if he hated on me for that then thats his problem, I have to worry about our children and their needs.

I do feel stronger since I wrote that letter, I just hope he reads it over and over and over and understands that I am not going to be his doormat anymore.

Ladies
I can honestly say been there done that. My heartaches for you both.

Lost, you are more than welcome to interupt anything I have going because I am just one of many confused souls searching for a way to heal.and if we help eachother along the way then god has blessed us in ways we didnt expect. As you know you have been in my prayers and will continue to be. The fog has a tight grip on him. The ow is playing a evil game and the one thing people tend to forget is the pain they put others thru. Hold your head up, no lb'ing. BE the woman your heart knows you are, pray..You are worthy, never doubt that.

Cin
Im sorry you had to write that letter. But Im glad to hear you felt a peace over it. I to had to do this as you know, his dream shows a sign to him. One he shouldnt ignore. In your dieing in his dream , it could be you are dieing to him. AS in turning from him. Love is something people abuse alot. I wish you could get him into some counseling. I am glad to hear the [censored] got upset over the dream. He needs to see his subconscience is telling him something. And I beleive he will. I dont know what lies ahead or how much more turmoil ou will endure but I feel like between what info we have shared there is a great thing waitting for you. Cant tell you when where or how. Sweetie, I think you should seek out a counselor near you. I honestly beleive it would a great help to you both.WEll Ive rambled enogh and dont have a clue what I have been saying...

I wish you both the best give me a update please I am constantly searching posting from you two to see how you are doing. Youve both touched my heart.....