I'm new here, but have done a lot of reading and still can't decide what my best plan of action is in my situation. My H and I have had a rough 5 years of M, and I'm ashamed to say that part of it has been my doing...I tend to be quite controlling and nitpicky; my kids and I moved 600 miles away back to our homestate a year ago June and my husband was going to come up when he could transfer with work. This never happened and by Sept we came to a fairly mutual decision that he was staying where he was and our marriage was really over. In Jan I asked him and was told that he had been living with a GF since Oct, which caused me to question whether or not I was willing to give this marriage up yet. As a result my decision was to try to get him back involved in our relationship in the one way I knew he would; physically. Instead of being honest and telling him that I wanted us to try again, I told him that I only wanted us to continue our sexual relationship, which had always been more than adequate. When he came to visit the kids and I in Feb we began the physical part again, which caused us both to consider trying the marriage again. Or at least that's what I thought. After another visit up here in March he informed me that he had moved out of her apartment and was staying with his grandmother; which I found out later was true, for about five days. When the kids and I went to visit and stay with his grandma in April I found out the truth, that he had been lying for weeks about not seeing the girlfriend again, that he was actually living with her again and lying to us both. There was a big blow up which ended up with me starting the divorce process with a parenting plan and child support through an attorney. Things were ugly for a while but then calmed down and three weeks ago he came to visit. I had been told about MB from a friend and talked with him about it, about how much I thought we could make things work if we tried, and how much I wanted to. To my surprise he agreed, he quit his job that Monday morning and Monday night had a long talk with the other woman ending things. That weekend he started acting strange and Monday I called the OW to find that he had been telling her that he was only her for the kids' sake, and would be going through with the divorce and getting his own place...he had even asked her if she would move her and her child up here. When I confronted him he said that he had changed his mind, that he could see that I hadn't really changed at all, that he was in love with her and the minute he called her and ended things his feelings for me died. Because I didn't want to see him leave the state to go back and devastate my kids, I have let him sleep on my couch until he finds a job and can get his own place. Although I have stopped talking to him about it, I honestly wish he would come to his senses and stick to his committment to try. Part of the problem is that he doesn't see his relationship with her as an affair, since we had agreed the marriage was over when it began. I wrote her a letter asking her to please leave him alone, stop taking his calls, and let us give our marriage a chance; I also was honest about our physical relationship since in the last several weeks, although he's lying to her about that and telling her there is none...which of course only increased his anger towards me because it seems she is considering ending things entirely with him but hasn't yet. He swears he doesn't want to try, that he feels she is "the one" and hasn't seen me as his wife since last fall. Another aspect that makes it difficult is that our physical relationship is still active at times; although he claims it's only physical and at this point I haven't said otherwise. I'm at a loss at this point on what to do. To make him leave would send him out of state and back to her, ensuring that our marriage is really over. I truly want to win him back, although he's not perfect and we would still have some issues, but I want him to want to try; but he won't let go of her. I've told him I won't call or write her again, and think that if I did that would only alienate him further. In his mind his relationship with her is none of my business. Again, I'm at a loss and not sure which step to take next.

Click on the link in my signature line. Read the Plan A links.

In my view, if you think of it as winning him back then you are maybe thinking about it the wrong way. Do you want him or do you just want him to leave his gf? If you want him back then you have to make yourself the attractive wife he fell in love with. You can't try and control him. Some of your post sounds very controlling. Sorry.
Consider what you can do in a good plan A. If that doesn't help the situation then you are looking at plan B. Have you wondered if pushing them together is not a good thing? It gives him a dose of reality. If you do a good plan A and show yourself not to be controlling and nit picky or whatever and then have to go to plan B, it can only help show you in a good light.

lh