bump for Danish. How are you?

{{{{{Star*, Ginger, Sue, SAB}}}}}
... Thank you for letting me know you are "with me" still. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
I've been VERY busy at work lately. I work full time as a graphics designer and I love my job and my colleagues.

Today I have read what I could find on the net about different types of affairs and now I'm 100% SURE my H's affair is an "Exit affair".
It was sad reading - No cure - nothing I can do, right?

Star... I read your comments on my Plan b letter and decided to wait a while before sending it. I appreciate your offer to help me write the english version! Thanks! Maybe your help will be needed soon. Plan B is for me - Exit affair or not.

WH and I both attended the meeting at S's school last wednesday. We didn't talk and I placed myself far from him. We were supposed to talk after the meeting but WH was gone! I didn't wait more than a minute before I left and picked up S at my parents. S and I drowe home and when we arrived WH came by on his bicycle... a coincidence - the shortest distance from school (and from his work) to his new home goes by "our" house. He was a little surprised I just left the school and didn't wait for him to get ready - I said "I thought you were in a hurry and left before me" he told me he ran to get to the bathroom and after that he looked for me and then left. We talked a little about the meeting and school and he left.
WH was here half an hour today on my request - I wanted to make the new visitation schedule - now I don't have to see or talk to WH before christmas.

Plan B is still on my mind even though I no longer see reconciliation as a possibility in my situation.
Exit affair - how does the MB/Harleys deal with that?

I forgot to tell you some important things about WH's visit today - I was in a very good mood. I used to use humour a lot before when I needed to get closer to him - he liked that.
Since WH moved in with OW he has had a BAD reddish skin rash (hm... not sure that's what it's called) around his left eye - today I noticed it had spread to around the other eye as well - and it was getting worse. He told me that he had seen a doctor several times and he said it was stress-related. I said "Stress - you never had stress - you are not stressed now, are you?". "Of course not" he said. Then I said with a BIG smile in my voice "it is your punishment from above". "hehe, yeah right..." he said and then left.
Hmmmm... see how little we communicate, eh? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hi Danish
Glad to see you again.
How have you been.I mean you not your situation but you.
I think of you often and wonder sometimes what is worse.Getting over them leaving,or getting over what they have done when they stay.Each has a down side to it.
For you,you know just how your H feels.For me I question daily,is he here because he loves me?Is he here because this is what is right?Does he still think of her?
You know all that stuff.It is so hard either way.
I do admire your strength,send some this way ok. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> How is your S doing?
If you are able keep posting so we know just how you are,we all care so much about you.
Take care and talk to you soon. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Ginger... glad to see you too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I feel good most of the time. I think a lot about what went wrong in my marriage though.
My subconciousness is giving me some dreams at night and I use to let go of my WH and move on with my life.
A few days ago I had a dream where WH was back home and he immediately began to criticize me - In this dream I asked him to leave again if he did not have any love to offer. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />
In my dream last night WH came to me for SF. He told me he missed my body. I rejected him and told him that I had no intention to be with him before he ended his R with OW.
Cool dreams - they make me smile at myself and in a way they help me to see that I am OK <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I am not angry - I have forgiven WH - I love him and want the best for him. I know that I am a good person and there is no reason why I shouldn't like me as I am now. I know that my behaviour through all of this has been the very best I could master, so I'm quite proud of myself. I consider this HIS loss - more than it is mine... I feel sorry for him and the turbulence he brought into his life.
WH said that he wanted someone to make him happy - and that is one of the reasons why he did what he did - I wonder if he will ever see that only he can make him happy in the long run? I believe that each person is resposible for his own happiness. We have to find happiness and joy inside ourselves and share it with our loved ones.

My life is good - even the days where I feel sorry for myself are good days. I learn something new every day and that is a true blessing. I will not waste my time crying when the world is filled with opportunities and love.

Ginger - I don't know what my husband feels - I haven't a clue - and maybe you don't know what your H thinks either. Maybe they don't know what they feel. Maybe they are as confused as we are? What comes out of our mouths when we speak are often not mirroring the true feelings. We are practicing communication skills all the time but words have a tendency to be insufficient. The soul has its own agenda and all things happen for a reason.

Be strong Ginger - a wonderful future is waiting around the next corner. You ARE strong. Believe in your strength and anything is possible. Don't expect anyone to "save" you before you have saved youself - grab life by the throat and shake it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Take care! It means a lot to me that you are here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Dear H

I hope you’ll read this letter and the two pages from the diary I wrote while you were travelling through Spain. I missed you so much and by sending you these pages I want you to get a picture of why I felt so much pain when I discovered the truth about your journey. Maybe you’ll be able to understand why I didn’t want to separate from you when you came home.
It is important to me that you know some of my feelings and thoughts at that time.
Please read them and this letter!
------------------
Once again I would like to acknowledge and apologize for my share of what tempted you to have an affair. Sometimes I didn’t respond to your needs, and many times I failed at showing you the deep love and respect I felt for you – instead of talking to you about our emotions, I distanced myself from you. I regret that.
All my life I was always afraid that the people I loved the most should leave me or die… I was not aware that I pushed my loved ones away from me – to protect myself from being hurt when they died or left me – it’s hard to explain… I don’t fully understand why I acted that way, but through therapy I’m finding the answers I should have tried to find a long time ago, in order to feel better and be true to my soul.
When you left for Spain I decided that I would work on my fear and become more whole as a person… but that’s history now.
For a long time I had a great deal of my attention focused on S - I am truly sorry that this from time to time took my focus away from the importance of spending leisure time with you and nurturing our relationship as sweethearts.
Of course I should have said yes when we got the opportunity to move to the flat in march.
I am proud to say that I now am the person I and you always wanted me to be.
As I have told you before I am willing to do what it takes for you and I to recreate our family and renew our love and respect for each other - that we could be true lovers and equal partners who would support each other and have an unbreakable friendship.
---------------------------
The step I now must take has been in my thoughts for some time – it’s not one of choice but one of necessity – purely to protect and preserve the feelings I still have for you. It hurts every time I see you when I know you live with another woman. It affects my mood – every time I have met you or spoken with you on the phone I feel pain and sadness because I miss you so much.
I hope you understand that I don’t want to destroy anything, but that I must do this to heal and protect myself.
From now on I do not wish to meet you or speak with you.
When it is absolutely necessary we have contact I want it to be by mail or Email.
In emergency situations related to S. let’s use the phone.

I ask you to respect my wish to be separated from you this way.

If at some point you end your relationship with OW, and if you want to wholeheartedly wish for you and I to try and create a loving and truly different future together, I would be very happy to meet you and speak with you again.
Now I must move on making life wonderful for S and me.

I love you deeply.
I will never forget what a fantastic man you were.
I am confident that you will continue to be good father for S.

Take care my love…

---Danish

Danish,
I have been so busy and out of town for a few days and I missed your post.
Thank you for the kind words they were just what I needed today.
I guess God knew today was the day I needed to read them not the day they were wrote.

I was doing so well,focusing on me and knowing that happiness must come from within,not from my H.But I have had a major set back.I hope this is normal.
Sometimes I look at my H and all I see is a man that cheated on me.That did not find me valuable enough to protect me.That did not cherish me or our life enough to withhold from being w/another woman.Somedays the pain is so deep I feel I don't want to try anymore.

Reading your words and your stength did help me.I need to somehow get past this and believe him when he says he loves me.I need to learn to trust him,it is so hard.

Danish I do hope that you will keep in touch,I feel like I have walked a long hard road w/you.You have become a part of my life.I think of you daily and always pray the best for you that life has to offer.May God send you peace right now when you need it most.
Take care my friend.

email me if you want gingerbread1023@yahoo.com

Danish:

That was beautiful. If I were your H, I'd be back to you in a flash. Question: when you do have to have contact with him, how does he respond to you?

Ginger:

I'm really worried about you. Is this only an anniversary/trigger thing that's upsetting you or has this been going on for a while? So not to rain on Danish, you can respond on my thread. What positives (actions) can you see from your H's behaviour compared to last year and now? As I see it, you've already done the hard part. You can get past this too.

Hi Danish,
You don't know me but I am in VA beach also and am wondering if you know of any good marriage therapist. Please help I am really sorry for my affairs and want some help to discover why they happened.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Danish}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Bump*Bump*Bump <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Danish,

I'm new to MB and was really moved by your story.

Don't know what an "exit affair" is; it's not an MB term. It's natural to feel that WH will never come back but remember some facts:

97% of relationships built on affairs will fail, and

last time you saw WH he had a rash on his face due to stress!!!

So why is WH stressed?

Because when he was having the affair with OW it was all "quality time" and now they have to cope with all the more mundane issues of everyday life and I absolutely guarantee that there's some tensions in the relationship, because he's missing you and wondering if he made the right decision, because OW is going to have to leave the country at some point and is trying to get him to commit to go with her and because deep down inside he's carrying a burden of guilt.

WH and OW have only been living together for three months, although I know it must seem like half a lifetime to you. If I was forced to bet my savings I wouldn't bet on them being together in three month's time.

Hang on in there.

Bringing the in-laws into the picture was an obvious attempt to make the relationship legitimate. Don't assume it went well. In the whole history of the world there's never been a relationship with in-laws that was instantly easy.

I'm praying for you.

>>>> Ginger - I hope you are ok! You are in my prayers.

>>>> SAB - Thank you! I kope you and your H are doing great still!

>>>> nikol - I live in Denmark, Europe, not VA beach, so I can't help you I'm afraid.

>>>> lovesaved - thank you so much for your encouragement and your kind words - I hope you're right!

UPDATE:
Last monday I cried like a baby for hours... my parents had to comfort me and hold me like they did when I was a child. All in all it was a good experience and it made me feel very privileged and loved. This was the first time I've cried for months and in a strange way I think I needed it.

This wednesday evening WH and I was in the church attending a meeting about our S's confirmation in may next year. We talked like a normal couple and I noticed that the rash on his face wasn't any better!
I felt good and I know I looked good. New haircut, new pants, - me, slim and sexy. He was always very attracted to my body so I hope he noticed.
When we left the church and we talked a little (smalltalk) and I reached out for his hand to say goodbye and he hugged me for the first time since D-day.

Funny - I'm REALLY, really good at not LB'ing. Why can't he just love me? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Danish
I have been wondering and worrying about you.You sound strong as always.We all need to cry,it cleanses the soul.You are so blessed to have the support from your parents,I am glad that they are there for you.
I am ok.Thanks for asking.Life is difficult right now but I know it will pass like everything else.
Please keep posting so that we know how you are doing.
I miss you when you are not around. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Danish,

Really good to hear from you again.

You wrote: "I felt good and I know I looked good. New haircut, new pants, - me, slim and sexy. He was always very attracted to my body so I hope he noticed."

Did he notice? I'll bet he did.

Q. How do you tell if a man's thinking about sex?

A. If he's breathing!

See also my personal history on page 53 (or is it now 54) of Cerri's general thread for discussion of MB issues.

SAB - Thank you! I kope you and your H are doing great still!

Yes we are! There are still alot of ups and downs but will get there. He's finally coming around.

Ginger - Hope you're ok now!

LoveSaved - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Thanks

SAB - I'm very happy to hear that your marriage is better!

Update:
Suddently a few weeks ago I was offered a wonderful apartment. Since then I've been very busy because I'll move from the house in 3 weeks from now. I'm SO, so happy and my son is too. The apartment is 5 min. walk from his school... all his classmates lives in this neighborhood and my parents have a house right next to the school. The largest park in my city is 200 feet from my (very small) garden.
Next sunday WH will help me clean and clear the house and remove what still remains of his stuff here (lots!).

I feel stronger and stronger each day now. WH always wanted us to get that apartment, and now I've got it!
Everyday at work it strikes me how nice and caring my colleagues are compared to my WH, and I think - why would I want a person in my life who does not love me or care for me? Who lives with another woman and don't give a sh** how I am.
Every time I'm with friends and family my thoughts are the same.
My life is much better than I could have hoped for a few months ago... I'm actually happy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Maybe WH wakes up one day - maybe it's already too late.

<small>[ November 12, 2003, 05:21 PM: Message edited by: Danish ]</small>

Hi again... really good to hear from you and know that you're OK.

You wrote...
"Maybe WH wakes up one day - maybe it's already too late."

I'm pro marriage and I hope you two get back together but I also know that you've been betrayed and are very hurt. If your H comes back he will need to understand this.

Hi Danish,

I don't think I ever responded to you, but I've read your thread. I'm glad you are happy now.

HI Danish
I have wondered about you so much.
I am so happy for you.I guess no matter what God does bless us.Sometimes we don't see it right away.Look at you,although it does not take the place of your family God gave you a desire of your heart,the apt.
I hope that as each day passes you become stronger and stronger.
Take care my friend,you are still always in my thoughts.

Thanks!!!!

I thought I was beginning to get over this but I'm afraid I'm not afterall... not that I cry or anything like that but his actions still makes me mad and sad.

Sunday WH was here to help me get rid of a lot of old stuff from the 11 years we have lived together in this house (Son and I am moving out in 2 weeks). It was an ok experience and I did great - I was relieved when he left after 5 hours though.
I've sent him E-mails (6 since he left in june) and he never replied to any of them. All of them was about S, school and so on. I asked him if he would please send a short reply to let me know he got them because there has been some trouble with his E-mail account.
This evening I sent him an E-mail about an urgent meeting at S's school. I was short in writing but all my mails end with "love from" me.
This time he did reply as I asked him to, but the reply was - Quote: "Read, 'his name'."

Now I have to ask: Why is he so cold still? It's been almost 5 months he's been living with OW - he should be a happy man now. I just don't get it!

Another incident that happened sunday... I told WH that my dad wondered if he (WH) had borrowed his sledgehammer... WH answered in a VERY angry tone that he didn't. I was/am surprised why WH would be mad at my dad too???
I kept my cool and didn't LB all day - now I wonder - again - what this is all about?