Defensive/passive agressive - that's the words i was looking for. My WH is never acting like he's angry - just that tone in his voice and that odd smile that isn't a smile but only a "face" he's putting on.
I know my english isn't the best - I hope you know what I mean? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Danish,

Your English is amazing. Don't ever worry about posting here because of it. If you didn't mention where you are from no one here would ever guess. Well the Brits might claim your English needs touching up because you have color, but no colour. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I am glad things are working out well for you.

God Bless,

JL

Danish my friend I have been wondering about you.I am glad that you are doing better and good luck on the move.I know this is a place you have wanted for a long time so I hope you and S will be very happy there.

All I can say about your WH is,I don't think he is happy and his only offense is a defense.In other words he must protect himself by acting in a defensive manner.I don't think he can stand it that you have been able to go on with life and be happy with out him.Maybe life with the OW is not as wonderful as he would like you to believe.

Keep us updated.
I sure miss you when you don't post.

Maybe reality has cracked his armour. It makes him feel uncomfortable. This may scare him. Some men when they get scared, show it through anger. That could explain what's happening.

There may be hope yet.

I'm glad you're happy my friend. All the best.

Danish we love you!

You may feel that your English as a second language doesn't always say what you want to say but the rest of us feel that we understand completely. In fact you tell us how you feel very well. And show yourself as a very good person.

Thank you for the sweet words - {{{{ JL, Ginger, SAB, Lovesaved! }}}}

I'm very busy these days - trying to get organised bills, letters and documents from all the years (11) we have lived in this house. I find all kinds of stuff - photos, loveletters, letters from S's school, drawings, things we bought together - can you imagine how it is? Triggers all over the place!

BUT - I'm doing OK... I know I must do this and I'm doing it... throwing things away... the evidence of my marriage and the testimonials of my love for H.
The love for him remains though - and that is all that matters to me. He can't take that away and I want to hold on to it for a while.

Our son is getting a lot of positive attention from school. His teachers told us that he's gifted and has a great personality. They told us that he is full of initiative and superb when it comes to cooperation... one teacher said "He's such a positive and happy boy that I smile every time I look at him".
What more can a mother ask for?
I'm looking forward to moving to the apatment sunday.

WH? I love him deeply. He's living with OW. Nothing I can do about it. She's leaving Denmark right after christmas I know for sure. My focus is directed to MY life and my SON's life. I'll leave WH to his own deamons and to make up his mind on his own.

I WILL (hope to succeed on my own if he's not joining me!

tw - I hope you don't think I'm insensitive. I just cannot let months or even weeks go by without a smile - it's against my nature. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ November 26, 2003, 06:35 PM: Message edited by: Danish ]</small>

Hi Danish
Good to hear from you.I am glad that you are able to move on.I must do the same but am finding it so hard but I know I must let go and try and believe that he really does love me not just settling for me because I am the easy choice or what he is comfortable with.

I pray only for happiness and peace in your life and your sons.

Good luck with your move.
Keep us posted.

You're a much stronger woman than I. My hat is off to you. I'm glad things are going as well as they can be at this time.

{{{{{{{{{{Danish}}}}}}}}}

{{{{{SAB - Ginger - and everyone who helped me in the past}}}}} BIG cyberhugs for you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Today I can honestly say that I left all the pain and frustration behind me.

S and I moved out of the house 2 weeks ago. Our new apartment is absolutely wonderful - we both feel very much at home. WH didn't lift a finger to help us move out... sigh... but that's fine with me - as a part of his "new" personality <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

What more can I say? Hm... letting go feels great! Not that I don't love him - not that I don't want him back... but I just love life more and I'm not letting him ruin it, no way!

Danish,

How wonderful for you! I'm so pleased about your new apartment. I suspect that the person who suggested your husband is not angry at you is correct. I have a feeling that fantasyland may not be all that it's cracked up to be and seeing you move on and get the apartment you two always wanted has upset him more than you know. He probably has some jealousy about both the apartment and your ability to continue to be happy. Another emotion that often comes out as anger and resentment is guilt. I think he must feel pretty badly about himself when he faces the family he deserted....even when he receives letters about the son whose life he should be a part of. His anger is actually a good thing...and a positive sign...so don't let it ruffle your feathers.

I have a small suggestion. Just because you cannot love bust, does not mean that you cannot confront him with your feelings about the way he deals with you. Next time it's necessary to converse with him....try telling him something along these lines: DH, I'm confused about the fact that you always appear angry when we talk to each other. Seems to me, that if anyone has cause to be angry, it would be me...and since I've moved past those feelings I'm wondering why you are still stuck there. Could you explain to me why you still seem so angry and cold? It would help all of us, especially DS, if the few times we need to deal with each other could be pleasant.

Confronting him with your feelings is a part of this process....even the healing process. It empowers you and presents you as a stronger person, in control of your own emotions while he is obviously not.

hugs to you!!! My thoughts are so often with you and your struggles. Good luck and God Bless you. I hope your first holiday in your new home is wonderful.

Hi Danish
So good to hear from you.I guess it was about 6m ago or so we both showed up here on this site wow alot has happened hasn't it.
For me the 1yr mark of D-day has come and gone.The feelings I hold inside are still very painful.I am now more angry than hurt.I wonder some days if I truly love my H anymore I know I care deeply for him and still can not imagine life without him the deep love that I once had,that we once shared is not there for me.He has done very little to help me,and I believe it has taken its toll on me.He has asked me twice in the last 6wks or so if I love him,I dont know.Sometime I think it would have been easier if he just would have left me completely.
I guess for all of us here only time will tell.If my H truly loves me and wants only me in his life and our family then I guess he will wake up one day and do what needs to be done to keep us together.

You are so strong,I am so very proud of you.
Take care my friend.
May God bless you and your son.
Love GS

Danish,

Everything you write shows what a good person you are. Out of all the stories on this site yours has hit me the hardest and I'm praying for you that 2

Merry Christmas!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
A russian friend of mine send me this story a couple of days ago - I thought it was sweet - and today I want to share it with you:

Two traveling angels, a young and an older one, came to a wealthy family on Christmas eve. They asked the man in the house if they could stay the night, and he showed them a small cold room in the basement where they could sleep.
The rich family had a wonderful evening meal – all they gave the angels was some water and a tiny piece of bread to share.
When it was time for the angels to go to sleep, the old angel discovered a small hole in the wall next to the mattress and the old angel repaired the hole immediately.
The young angel asked her “Why did you fix the hole?”
The old angel answered very cryptic “ Things are almost never what you believe they are”.

The following night the angels came to a poor mans house. His family shared their dinner with the angels and when it was time to go to bed, the angels was offered the only bedroom in the house – the poor man and his family slept on the floor that night.
When they woke up the next morning they found the host and his wife crying. Their only cow was dying on the field.
The young angel was really mad and asked the older angel how she could permit something like this to happen. “The rich man and his family were cruel to us – and you helped them fix the hole in the wall! This poor man and his family gave us everything and yet you let his only cow die!!!

The old angel said “Things are not always what we think they are” – “In the cold cellar I saw gold in that hole – that’s why I fixed it – so that the rich man would never find it. He already had enough.”
”Tonight when you all were asleep, Death came to pick up the poor mans wife – I gave him the cow instead. In time he’ll be happy again”
“Nothing is what it seems to be”

Sometimes there will be events in our lives that makes us very, very sad. Some people will disappear from our lives – leaving nothing but sad or beautiful traces. Other people will stay in our lives for ever.

Nothing is what it seems.
Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is a stranger yet unknown.
Today is a present – that’s why it’s called “The present”

Live and enjoy every moment – you never know…….

A happy Christmas to you all… Take care!
Thanks for being in my life when I needed you the most!
{{{{{{{{{Star*, Ginger, SAB, Lovesaved, Zorweb, Espoir and many, many others}}}}}}}}

Thank you for that beautiful story Danish. I'm hoping you find happiness this holiday season with your wonderful son and family.

What a wonderful story thank you.
How are Danish??
I think of all the wonderful people I have met here on MB had it not been for something very bad our lives would have never touched one another.I am so thankful for my friends here and the encouragment I have found when I needed it most.
May God Bless your life Danish in 2004.You are an angel to so many without even knowing it.

Take care my friend
Love Ginger

Hi there!
Actually I'm a bit worried about my sons upcoming birthday (friday).

WH called the other day and said that he'll come to S's birthday - "your family have not seen me after we split, and they might as well get used to it" I said that "we" didn't split and he said "after I left you then" - my sister is the only member of my family who have met him (dec.) since he left me in june. WH said that he could feel that she was not comfortable in his presence. I asked him if he felt ok and he said "yes of course, why shouldn't I".

I want so much to tell him that if my family acts a bit strange when they meet him, it's because they don't like what he did to me! My dad is furious at WH because he - my dad - did all the work in our old house that WH should have done. WH is acting very arrogant about it all - acting like HE did all the right things and me and my family are scum.
The truth is - I don't want him here at S's birthday - but I have to, I know... what else can I do but invite him and MIL?

Christmas was nice. S was at MIL's together with WS, OW, MIL, SIL and a cousin.

Danish,

My dear....there is plenty you can do! You can tell him that he and his mother can have your son before or after the party that you have planned for him, because it would be awkward for them to be included. You are not obliged to entertain him in your house....and in Plan B...YOU SHOULD NOT! Don't let him manipulate you this way. He can plan his own birthday celebration for your son....parents who are separated do it all the time. He's not treating you well enough to invite himself to your home. Even if this is for your son....do you honestly think it will be comfortable for him either? I don't.

Hi Danish
I agree with Star.He left you he left his family that means he left the family functions also.It was his choice not yours,not your sons, his.

I wanted to ask you is OW still in Denmark or did she have to leave and go home??

Hello again - and Happy Newyear to you all.

First I want to tell you I'm not in Plan B - sometimes I feel like I kinda just gave up on my M, but most of the time I'm quite satisfied by the way I handle it all.
OW is still living with WH and from what my son tells me they are doing great. They spent christmas together with WH's entire family at MIL's place. According to my son OW will leave Denmark at the end of january. WH is planning to visit her in Australia at the end of July.

Anyway - I thought a lot about what you wrote Ginger and Star* . I know that WH shouldn't have the benefit of being at my place for S's birthday but S told me that he so much wanted his dad to be here... so, well... I decided that I'm the adult here and I've been going through worse scenarios than that... so, I called WH and MIL and told them they were welcome here.
I even asked WH if he would bake and bring some of his "famous" bread (hm - buns?) and he did.

My parents, my sister and brother and their spouses and kids were here too and it all went very well. Everyone praised my apartment and said many nice things - even MIL was full of admiration of the way I decorated and painted - of course WH didn't say a word but I'm sure he thinks its a great apartment and that I did a great job if he allows himself to think and behave in a positive manner.
Fortunately all of my family members treated WH with respect and talked like they use to (but never asked him a question or mentioned anything about his life or OW)- we talk and laugh a lot in my family and everyone had a wonderful afternoon. I invited them all to stay for pizza but WH wanted to go home and MIL went too... my family stayed and S was happy they did.

WH didn't feel comfortable at all I could tell - in which way I do not know? It surprised me a little that the birthdaycard from WH only was signed "dad" - not a word about OW - considering S knows her VERY well! In fact she is always there when he visits his dad.
I suppose WH is still "protecting" me from her in his own way... hm? I haven't met her and I plan not to, ever! I always act and talk like she does not exist.

Long story about almost nothing <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> - I hope you forgive me.

Ginger - are you ok? I hope so!

Hi Danish
Your story was not about nothing it was about your life and that is what we want to hear and know about.

As for me I have run into some rough roads here on the road to recovery.LOL
I'm not sure if I will make it but know that I have to.How I wish I had your strength and courage.

I am happy the party turned out so well for you and your family and keep us updated on your life we have been here since the beginning together and I worry and wonder about you all the time.

If you want to email me do so and we can talk that way.
heres my address:
gingerbread1023@yahoo.com

send me a note anytime would love to hear from you.
Take care my friend
Love Ginger