I am reeling. You all come highly recommended by my friend Starfish - that's why this post is addressed to you.

Let me give you some background first: I am 31, WH is 32. We live in San Francisco, CA. I am unemployed currently - was laid off from the past two jobs I held. WH is pursuing an acting career while working full time at his dayjob as a telecom engineer. We've been married for almost eight years. No children.

Actors work notoriously weird hours, and in close contact with others in an emotionally charged atmosphere. Egos, insecurities, flirtations all seem to be commonplace.

I've been in a serious funk for the past two years. After WH put me through school (I have a BS in Accounting) I landed a job at a Big FIve firm. After I was laid off, It took me 8 months to find a new one. After 4 months of temp work, I was laid off again. I haven't worked since January this year, and although I collect unemployment, it runs out soon.

My therapist and I have also been talking about what I want out of a career, and I have been actively preparing for applying to graduate school.

Our relationship unfortunately has been marked by much hardship - both financial and otherwise. Too much work and no play makes for a miserable marriage. We filed for bankruptcy 5 years ago. The last vacation we ever took was our honeymoon. We've spent the past 8 years spinning our wheels, and it has come to the point where nothing is very much fun anymore.

However, WH & I were actively planning to move to Los Angeles next year where he could more easily pursue his acting career. We've been planning budgets, making lists of things we need, paying off bills and looking on the internet for housing options.

I thought everything was pretty much okay for us. That this was the storm before the clear. We haven't been having SF - I just chalked it up to his exhaustion from essentially working two jobs. I know we were anxious to move, and I thought the stress of that was making things tense at home.

I was wrong. Terribly wrong.

Last Sunday, 7/27, WH and I went to the movies, and then out for dinner. His show had just wrapped the previous evening, and he should have been calm and relaxed. Instead, he was tense and complained of a stomachache.

In the middle of dinner, he blurts out, "Can we talk now?" Sure, I replied. He proceeded to tell me that he was miserable, unhappy and that he wanted a divorce. He said that he loves me, that he likes me as a good friend, but that he's not in love with me any longer.

I know...warning signs? Red flags?

But I didn't focus immediately on the probability of another woman. I didn't want to freak him out, I wanted him to talk to me. So, he went on to say that he feels like he hasn't really lived, that the past eight years have been nothing but struggle and that he has resented me from the very beginning of our marriage. He said he wanted a divorce, but he wanted to remain friends. He seemed very concerned that we remain friends, and then proceeded to ask me if I was going to rake him over the coals.

I was in shock, but I knew I had to buy myself some time, so I suggested that instead of leaping right into divorce proceedings, lets do a trial separation and see a marriage counselor. He reluctantly agreed, saying that if I needed a moderator there to help me understand the inevitable, that was fine.

Yesterday, he asked me out for ice cream. I said sure, and he mentioned that he had a lot on his mind. He picked me up, and we went to the mall. Believe me, my inner warning bells and whistles were going off! Why would he want to talk in such a public place, when just the previous day, we drove to the ocean and talked in the car alone?

He said something about how he thinks that we would just be very good friends if we never got married. He then asked me why we were spending so much money and time talking to "people" (meaning therapists) when what he really needed and wanted to do was move out. He also mentioned that this was just dragging out the inevitable.

I asked him why he had changed his mind - and now seemed set on moving out and getting divorced? That I thought we had agreed to a trial separation and keep an open mind about what the possibilities for our marriage were. He said that he hadn't really made up his mind yet and then asked how I saw this situation resolving itself. I told him that I didn't have any idea, and that I didn't want to get any ideas - that it was too early in the process. He said that he thought we would get divorced and that our relationship would return to its "natural state" of good friends.

This morning, I figured out how to break into his email account and confirmed my worst fears. He is having an affair with a married woman. The few emails that were there are very hurtful to me. He spends much time badmouthing me and saying ugly things about me. He calls her "lover" and he uses such phrases as "I've never loved anyone like I love you" and "I can't wait to start our life together" and "I'm sitting across from L and I'm wishing it was you instead." He was actually emailing his lover at our local internet cafe while I ordered coffee.

There are other emails though. In one, he tells her to return to her husband, because someone already knows and it will only take one person to suspect and ask her husband about it. He, thankfully seems to think I am too dumb and gullible to suspect anything.

I've never met her, but I know what she looks like and what her name is - from his emails.

I have an appt. with a marriage counselor tonight. He knows about it and he's driving me there and picking me up. He hasn't moved out yet, but I can't think of any way to stall him. He's been sleeping in our bed next to me - but with pjs on of course.

So, here are my questions:

1) When and how do I confront him with the knowledge of his affair?

2) Do I let him move out? Do I try to stall him? I'm afraid he's going to get ugly and angry if I try to control or manipulate the situation too much.

3) I'm also freaking out because I have no way of supporting myself right now. Continued leaning on him for FS is a major LB...I need to get self sufficient pronto! or there is no chance of reconcilliation.

4) When do I tell everyone? Whom do I tell?

5) Working a solid plan A...it seems to me that his ENs have changed and I don't know any way to reevaluate them at this time without LBing. Should I just try the shotgun approach - meet all 10 needs?

Please help, I think I need to move swiftly. He plans on moving out at the end of the month and even though we'll still be technically married, I don't know how effective my efforts will be.

Thanks in advance.

<small>[ July 30, 2003, 09:57 AM: Message edited by: *LULU* ]</small>

1) When and how do I confront him with the knowledge of his affair?

Immediately. He needs to know that you know and that you are devastated. He also needs to know that you understand there were things you did in the marriage that were not in his best interests and that you are willing to be the wife he's always wanted.

2) Do I let him move out? Do I try to stall him? I'm afraid he's going to get ugly and angry if I try to control or manipulate the situation too much.

I would stall as much as possible. You need time together to show that you can make changes, avoid LBers and meet the needs he'll allow. It's much harder to do that once he's out.

And Plan A is all about manipulating the situation. Do you have Harley's Surviving an Affair? If not... order it now from the Bookstore link above. You need it. Don't rely on the forum for the advice on what to do... come here for support but make SAA your bible.

3) I'm also freaking out because I have no way of supporting myself right now. Continued leaning on him for FS is a major LB...I need to get self sufficient pronto! or there is no chance of reconcilliation.

Why is leaning on him for FS a LBer? So he doesn't like it, that doesn't make it a lber... it makes it a fact of marriage. Although I do agree a job is in order. But it has to be one that will be compatible with meeting needs and spending time together.... even if he says he doesn't want that... you need to make it possible.

4) When do I tell everyone? Whom do I tell?

Immediately. Everyone. Family, friends, church family. Tell them he is having an A, you are devastated, you want to save the marriage and any support or help they are willing to give you is welcome.

5) Working a solid plan A...it seems to me that his ENs have changed and I don't know any way to reevaluate them at this time without LBing. Should I just try the shotgun approach - meet all 10 needs?

Plan A is not just about meeting needs. It is a strategy to end an affair. So first you need to eliminate LBers.... demands, disrespect, angry outbursts, independent behavior (this needs to be talked about when there is infidelity, there are independent things you NEED to do), annoying habits and very importantly... dishonesty.

Then you look at meeting the needs he'll allow. I would go for the generic top male needs unless you have a good inkling of something else.... and don't force it. Most BS's don't want you to meet needs.... it has to be subtle.

And Plan A includes exposing and confronting. They are at least half if not 2/3 of what Plan A is all about.

Please help, I think I need to move swiftly. He plans on moving out at the end of the month and even though we'll still be technically married, I don't know how effective my efforts will be.

Don't forget to tell her husband. That should be your first call. And I would confront her. Let her know you know.... be courteous and calm.... but let her know that you know and that you want to save your marriage.

It takes an incredible amount of courage and out of character action to do what it takes to end an affair and get to recovery. You are very lucky in that you can do it right from the beginning and not have bumbled around for months or years first.

I would also suggest calling Dr. Harley's radio show. Mondays and Thursdays 1pm CT 1-888-332-5169 Call a little before 1 so you are sure to get in.

Good luck!!

C

<small>[ October 12, 2003, 11:47 AM: Message edited by: *LULU* ]</small>

Lulu welcome to Marriage Builders and I am so sorry that you find yourself in this gut wrenching situation that nobody should find her/himself in, and I hope you realize that you have a huge group of people (BS AND WS) that will support you and will give you advice on helping you to constructively deal with this emotional upheaval.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">1) When and how do I confront him with the knowledge of his affair?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I cannot stress enough how important it is for you to be, as much as possible, in total control of your emotions. So as soon as you are able to calmly, quietly and respectfully reveal to him the truth about his A(affair) without resorting to love busters (angry outbursts, selfish demands, and disrespectful judgements) then do so. But be aware that he will probably be angry at you for 'invading' his privacy, and try to goad you to emotionally blast him to justify his behavior, so avoid being sucked into an argument with him.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">2) Do I let him move out? Do I try to stall him? I'm afraid he's going to get ugly and angry if I try to control or manipulate the situation too much.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You can't prevent him from moving out if he wants to, and if you try to do so it will only make him want to do so even more. So resist the temptation to beg him to stay, and instead try to point out to him the economic advantages to stay put for a while.

Your fear can be your worst enemy because it can sabotage all your well thought out, hard earned and constructive efforts to save your marriage. You may not realize this but he is probably just as fearful, if not more so, than you otherwise he would have left already and he would not insist on wanting to be friends with you after a divorce.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">3) I'm also freaking out because I have no way of supporting myself right now. Continued leaning on him for FS is a major LB...I need to get self sufficient pronto! or there is no chance of reconcilliation.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you have close relatives that you could move with until you become self sufficient? If you do, then I would advice you to seek them out and explain your situation. There is a good chance that they may open their doors to you while you get back on your feet.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">4) When do I tell everyone? Whom do I tell?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If your H refuses to end the A(affair) and send a letter of no contact to the OW(other woman), then you contact the OW's H(husband) and inform him about the A. You should also contact all your mutual friends and relatives and tell them about the A. This is so vital because the vast majority of A's die (not immediately) after they become exposed to the rest of the world.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">5) Working a solid plan A...it seems to me that his ENs have changed and I don't know any way to reevaluate them at this time without LBing. Should I just try the shotgun approach - meet all 10 needs?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please read the following from Dr Willard Harley about Plan A and especially those words in bold:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Since one of these causes is usually unfulfilled emotional needs, the betrayed spouse should express a willingness to meet those needs after the affair has ended."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Many BS's beleive that they can't do a good Plan A unless they meet the WS's EN's but this is a faulty beleif because it assumes that the WS will ALLOW the BS to do so, when reality points that a WS (still having an A )is highly unlikely to allow the BS to meet ANY of the EN's that the OP is meeting. Of course there are other EN's like SF(sexual fulfillment) and FS(financial support) that the WS MAY allow the BS to fulfill except the top one which are the ones being fulfilled by the OP. Should you fulfill his EN for sex? It depends on whether you are able to do so without love busters and without adding to the emotional damage that has already been done to you.

But unfulfilled EN's are NOT the only cause of an A because Dr Harley also says the other causes affairs can be:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"The betrayed spouse's inconsiderate behavior sometimes leads the wayward spouse to believe that he or she has the right to return thoughtlessness with thoughtlessness by having an affair.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">AND

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"A third possible cause of an affair is a lifestyle where spouses spend much of their leisure time apart from each other, and form leisure-time friendships with those of the opposite sex."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So it is possible for you to have met ALL of our WH's top EN's and for him to still have an A.

The important things to keep in mind when you are in Plan A are the following:

1. Avoid ALL love busters: Angry Outbursts, Selfish Demands, Disrespectful Judgements, Dishonesty, Independent Behavior, and Annoying Habits.

2. If your WS does not want to end the A and end all contact with the OP foreverl, then you MUST tell those closest to both of you about the A.

3. Be willing to meet EN's like SF and FS but only if they do not cause you to love bust.

4. Be willing to go to Plan B if after a time of being in Plan A (average 3 months for women, 6 months for men) your WS in unwilling to decide to end the A or end the M(marriage). Many BS's stay too long in Plan A and end up losing all love for the WS and they go straight to divorce instead of Plan B.

Another important thing that I strongly suggest you consider is to go see your doctor and him/her prescribe you anti-depressants. Don't scoff at this suggestion because even Dr Harley suggests it because of the great emotional turmoil that grips the majority of BS's which makes it extremely difficult to carry out a well thought out plan of saving their marriages. Anti-depressants will help you regain control of your emotions so that they will not control your actions and sabotage any of your hard earned, well thought out plans to save your marriage. I took them and they did wonders for me and I highly recommend that you do so as well.

And last but definitely not least, is for you to seek counseling with a pro-marriage professional like Steve Harley or Penny Tupy (cerri, founder of Save Your Marriage Central to guide you in formulating a plan to save your marriage.

You are not alone, all of us are here to help one another and that includes you.

<small>[ July 29, 2003, 12:21 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

CoffeeMan and Lulu...

Yes, yes, yes and yes. The only adjustment I would make is .... no.... not even adjustment.... corrolary is a better word...... is that SAA hasn't been updated since it was written and Harley himself is adjusting some of his methodology for dealing with infidelity....

So it's important to note that the exposing of the affair should be immediate. And by that I mean once you confront him (calmly and respectfully as CoffeeMan pointed out) if he doesn't agree then and there to end the A and all contact with her (and to be accountable for that promise) then you need to move to exposure.

Your husband will do all that he can to make you out to be the bad guy. It will be your fault, he'll tell you that the M was over long before he met her, that nothing you say or do will make a difference, and possibly that he never loved you in the first place. Lulu.... you MUST turn a deaf ear to all of that. It's the infidelity brain cloud, it's not real. It's the addiction talking.... the addiction's way of protecting the source and keeping you from taking action that could endanger the fantasy and stability of the affair.

I see soooo many people, women especially, get sucked into the line the WS feeds them that they procrastinate far too long on taking the crucial steps needed. If you are to be successful you must close your ears to your instincts and intuition and follow the process as Harley lays it out.

C

<small>[ October 12, 2003, 11:23 AM: Message edited by: *LULU* ]</small>

<small>[ October 12, 2003, 11:24 AM: Message edited by: *LULU* ]</small>

Lulu please read Cerri's wise words and etch them in your mind:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Cerri:

"Your husband will do all that he can to make you out to be the bad guy. It will be your fault, he'll tell you that the M was over long before he met her, that nothing you say or do will make a difference, and possibly that he never loved you in the first place. Lulu.... you MUST turn a deaf ear to all of that. It's the infidelity brain cloud, it's not real. It's the addiction talking.... the addiction's way of protecting the source and keeping you from taking action that could endanger the fantasy and stability of the affair.

I see soooo many people, women especially, get sucked into the line the WS feeds them that they procrastinate far too long on taking the crucial steps needed. If you are to be successful you must close your ears to your instincts and intuition and follow the process as Harley lays it out."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Cerri's words are the key to the efficacy of your Plan A.

Keep in mind that there are no guarantees that even with the best Plan A and Plan B that your marriage will be saved BUT if you follow Dr Harley's principles and Cerri's advice you can rest assured that you did everything possible to save your marriage.

There are two recoveries, marital and personal, and while it may not be possible to have a marital recovery it is very possible and very likely to have personal recovery if you follow Plan A and Plan B. The last thing you want is the demons of the past follow you to any relationship in the future, especially marriage.

As far as telling others, she is married. From our conversations, I know that he is very, very concerned that other people will find out. He asks me repeatedly who I have told. But, when he asks this, he is wondering who I have told that we're getting a trial separation...he doesn't know yet that I know about his affair.

Then you need to be ruthless and use this to end the affair. I'm dead serious about turning a deaf ear to the things he is telling you about it being your fault, about moving on, all that.... Worthatry... one of the posters here has a thing about the WS being invaded by an alien presence... use that if it helps you. YOUR HUSBAND IS IN THE CLUTCHES OF AN ADDICTION. The chemistry in the brain is nearly identical and the strategies, denial, rationalizations are exactly the same. You must think of it this way if you are going to be able to do what it takes.

I struggle with the notion that maybe I should let him go. He's so completely unhappy and I am the primary source of that unhappiness.

Don't even go there. You may have done things that were detrimental to the marriage. We all do. He will attempt to convince you that this makes an affair ok. It doesn't. Nothing does. There are ethical ways to approach being unhappy in marriage, infidelity is not one of them. DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Maybe I don't deserve to save my marriage and get a second chance with him. Maybe he deserves to start fresh - in a new apartment of his own, with another person.

Alright darlin'.... that's all the pity party you get <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ... Now let's get to work.

Let me tell you what I know. I was the WS a long time ago. I've been the BS. I'm a coach and I specialize in infidelity. I see it day in and day out. I talk to unfaithful partners, betrayed spouses and lovers. Everyone gets hurt when there is an affair. It is not a new fresh start for him. It's a fantasy that he thinks may be a fresh start... it's not. It's the betrayal and destruction of two spouses and two homes. And the ripples of pain that emanate out from this are inconceivable. We'll hold your hand and support your heart, but you need to take the actions... and I know how scary that is.

C

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lulu:
<strong>I just thought of another thing...I'm probably going to have to confront him tonight, if not in the next couple of days.

He's going to know that I was in his email account because I was stupid and forwarded all the emails to my email address. I checked them off as unread, but you can't miss the big green arrow next to them symbolizing "forwarded".

so should i still purchase SAA even though it is being updated?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So he knows. He'll be mad. He'll yell and scream. He'll make you out to be the bad guy who invaded his privacy. Bummer for him.... he'll get over it.

What do you mean should you order SAA....you mean you haven't yet???? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Get thee to the bookstore, woman.... time's a wastin'!

<small>[ October 12, 2003, 11:24 AM: Message edited by: *LULU* ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"What do I do? How should I confront him? I need steps...I can't get SAA here by tonight. I need emergency triage here. How should I be ruthless with the knowledge that he's afraid everyone will know? He's counting on me to be too ashamed to tell anyone. Do I tell it by email? Do I call her and confront her? Do I do these things before or after I confront him?"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why not practice with us as though we were your WH? This way we can critique your delivery and help you become ready when you do confront him.

<small>[ October 12, 2003, 11:25 AM: Message edited by: *LULU* ]</small>

First things first.... did you read the link I gave you about hazardous therapy? You need to be prepared for that. Most counselors are NOT trained to save your marriage... they are trained to help you cope with the break up....

Here's my list of things to ask:

What is your goal? (Should be to save the marriage.)

Do you have a plan for attaining that goal?

What is the plan? (Should be able to spell it out step by step, should be solution/action oriented and not just talking to see where that brings you.)

What are your qualifications for saving marriages? How does that differ from work that you do with individuals and non marital issues?

How do you define recovery in marriage? (Should be restoration of the feelings of romantic love and the ability to make decisions that are good for both partners.)

What is your success rate? How many of the couples that came to you for help in the last year have restored their marriage, or are actively in the process of doing so? (Most conventional therapists save about 20% of the marriages that come to them for help. Their goal is usually to help couples cope with divorce, not save the marriage.)

If you know that one spouse is keeping a secret that is detrimental to the health of the marriage what position do you take? (Financial issues, addictions, infidelity, health issues…)

What kinds of assignments do you give couples to do between sessions? (This is part of the plan that should be outlined above, but it can give you a deeper insight into the process your coach or counselor will use.)

What kinds of things do you do to keep couples motivated and moving forward?
How do you measure progress?

If my goal is unequivocally to save my marriage, do you think you are the one to help us do so? Why?

When do you recommend divorce as the best option? (Should be rarely as in cases of serial infidelity, addiction or abuse, and only after all options have been exhausted, including a Save Your Marriage Separation.)

Leaving here today, what are some things that you suggest we can do to begin restoring our marriage?

YOU SHOULD ASK THESE QUESTIONS REGARDLESS OF THE PERSON’S EDUCATION, TITLE, REPUTATION OR NAME. IT’S YOUR MARRIAGE, TREAT IT WITH CARE!
copyright 2002 Penny R. Tupy ~ Save Your Marriage Central
~~~~~~

Ok... then about confronting him....yes practice here. I usually have clients give me a list of the points they want to cover so we can talk about it ahead of time. Do that.... begin with what you know and how you know it and then move on to how you feel and what you would like.

C

<small>[ October 12, 2003, 11:25 AM: Message edited by: *LULU* ]</small>

You can't go to Dr. Harley himself. He no longer takes clients. If you go through MB you get one of his children Steve Harley or Jennifer Harley Chalmers. Neither of them uses Dr. Harley's concepts and methodologies 100% especially when it comes to taking a stand to end an affair.

And yes, no MC is far better than bad MC.... as you can see by the outcome of the counseling your husband got.

Did you read the Q/A here on unconditional love? Hang on..... I'll find the link....

here it is... Unconditional love ruins marriage....

I'm curious... you've been a member since 99.... what was happening then that you found MB and joined as a forum member?

<small>[ October 12, 2003, 11:26 AM: Message edited by: *LULU* ]</small>

lulu,

Just had a second between blowing up the balloons and icing the cake. I wanted to just say that you are very fortunate to have this level of help right at the beginning of this crisis. All those months you visited here learning these concepts and understanding this material (but not really needing it) will serve you very well now that you need to apply them. Unlike a new poster, this isn't alien to you. Not only that, but I know you are a great listener and that you are action oriented. Not everyone is prepared to use these concepts to their advantage.....but I honestly believe you are.

Many of these things I already told you, but the additions are vital and important. Acting quickly and thoughtfully has the most likelihood of killing this thing before it picks up steam. So many people delay, not wanting to upset the applecart, fearing the spouse will walk out, and those delays fuel the affair and only make recovery and NC more difficult.

Don't be surprised if you MC doesn't agree with all of this advice. If they aren't pro-active marriage savers, or are very traditional they will NOT agree with all of this.....they may caution you not to expose or confront. Make up your own mind. Look logically at what these plans do.....because the they make sense.

TMCM and cerri thank you so much for continuing to help lulu. She is a long time member here who has never faced this kind of marriage crisis before. But she is no wilting violet that won't listen and act. She isn't interested in simpling getting comfort....I know she will follow through.

You are in my thoughts lu. I'll try to check in when I get a second here and there....but you are in the best of hands.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lulu:
<strong>Okay. Points I want to cover when I confront him.

Dear WS:
I need to talk with you about our situation. I understand from what you have told me - that you are very sad.

I haven't been the best wife for you in recent years and I am very, very sorry for that. I know that my neglect of your needs, my lack of dependability, and my annoying habits have caused you to develop a deep resentment of me. I feel terrible that I have caused you this much pain, and I would like to make amends and be the best wife for you.

However, I know that there is another woman in your life. I know that you are lovers. I know her name, where she lives, and that she is married.

I am crushed by this betrayal. You are the only man I have ever truly loved. I continue to deeply love you, and that is why this affair hurts me so badly. If I no longer loved you, all I would feel is apathy about your affair. Instead, I feel deep, gut wrenching pain and sorrow.

I would like you to end the affair immediately. I would like for you to cease all contact with her now. We were once very much in love, and I have full confidence that we can regain our passion and love for each other. I want nothing more than to save our marriage and rebuild your love and faith in me. I want to be the one that you turn to in times of need or of pain. I want to be your rock.

Please let her go so that she can mend her own marriage and please join me in rebuilding ours.
___________________________________

how's that? too dramatic? too emotional?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Nope, it's good. I would only change where you say you would like to make amends and be the wife he wants to I am determined to.... it's a matter of intention and force.

CoffeeMan? Thoughts? - C