<small>[ January 31, 2005, 02:55 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

tonith she asked me why i didn't try to get back into th house before. i had thought about getting a lock smith which many poeple (MB, freinds, F, etc.) all agreed. instaed i cxhopse a 180 qnd know she asks me why i din't try.

DAMNED IF I DO,DANMED IF DON'T

I have not had a decent nite's sleep in weeks. i fall asleep around 12-2 in the mornig anfd get up for 2 bat work by 7:30. i have lat everyday this week. last sat i told my wife i wasn't going to see th e kids beacuse i had to work in the evening andshe calls oin sat AM and wakes me out of bed. i couldn' get back to sleep.

I NEED SLEEP. I WANT HELP. I WANT THIS PAIN TO GO AWAY.

part of plan was to get back in th house, so we could start communicating again. i had just finished about honesty in saa. she knows about the A, but not about things around it. i want 2 b radicaaly honest with her but she knows nothing about LBs and she creates the atmosphere for dishionesty. that is why iswas easy 4 me to have an A, because when evr i ws honest about my feelings or wnats, she woudl argue w/me and do multiple lb's

hanora,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Are you drinking? Make a deal with yourself, if you are going to off yourself - do it stone cold sober, no booze within 72 hours.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">that's pretty funny. it actually brought/is bringing a smile to my face.

===================
this is a sad state of affairs, no pun intended.
when i search the internet on how to commit suiceid there are ove 2100 sites compared 2 just 700 for how 2 save ur marriage

its 1oclock here in nj.

hanora's line has sobered me up if u will.

i'm going 2 bed, ihave thepills on my pc, but i am just going 2 bed, w/o thetaking them.

maybe thins will b better in the morning.

if i feel the urge 2 try anything i will post bak immediately

thanks for all your help, i'm tired now and i'm going to sleep.

ttsmm <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Goodnight, and try to sleep a full night.

Things always look different in the morning.

Please, Please post or call a crisis number when things look bleak.

No one wants to see you do anything foolish.

TTSM,

Sleep in the hands of God. I send my prayers for a better tommorow.

I already did something foolish, which I will never be forgiven for. I had an A against the woman I promised to love and protect. She will never forgive me. I can't forgive myself.

I ha few hours of sleep tonight and woke up freezing (it's summer in NJ). I sent an email to men's team asking for help. I think I can make it through the night but, the pills are still on my PC and the voices are still going through my head.

There is no way to talk to her. She always feels she is right and her words are more important than anyone else's. Then she brings uo that evryine else is on her side. without getting both of us togethre w/the people who are saying these things i feel she is probably right that I am a screw up. I don't believe I am a sex addict, abusive husband, pathetic human being; and she when says it and that others feel that way as well, I can't but believe it.

I am hangikng on for tonight, but the pain is unbearable.

ttsmm

ttsmm,

Hope you got some sleep. Hope you can find someone to talk to. You need to speak to a counselor. Just fight it for the sake of you children.

Rho

My BIL committed suicide 2 yrs ago. He lived with us for a while.

The result:
My husband became a WS months after the suicide of his brother."Started questioning his worth to society"
His father has become a recluse.
Oldest brother who always was a social drinker is now an alcoholic.
Niece who qualified as a psychologist do not want to go into practise - Trying to find herself
Wives: All dealing with the aftermath of the suicide and trying no fighting to keep their families together.
How many lives were affected: 10
How many families were destroyed: 3

His final note "He knew that the families were strong and that they will be able to deal with it"

Where are we all at after 2yrs:
Broken, shattered and trying to pick up the pieces.

thankyou all,
i'm trying to ick up the pieces of my shattered m & life right now.

where i am staying, i let my friend take the pills. another friend saw my email and was on the phone with me for an hour. i am seeking psychatric help today, once i get to work

i still have pains in my head, chest, stomach and heart. i want the pains to stop. i feel i am a good person, but why have i been given so much to handle in less than a year.

when does the pain stop? when does this nitemare stop? i can't take this pain anymore.

ttsmm

i'm on my way to work right now.

i will try to post more later.

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
ttsmm

TTSmm-

It sounds to me that you may also be a BS. Is she having an A? How did her EA end?

For me, it was driving into a river. I was obsessed with driving into the cold murky waters and allowing the cold to take my pain away. Guess what, I got through those thoughts, and so will you.

My advice to you sir...drive straight to your local hospital. Tell them of your thoughts. You will be admitted for a minimum of 24 hours, but they will take you seriously and give you a "safe" place to feel your pain.

You can't abandon those kids, just like I couldn't abandon mine. You are clinically depressed and zoloft isn't cutting it. Time for prozac and a good psychiatrist.

Do you have an EAP through your job? You need to clean you up first before you can deal with W.

I've been there, others here have been there. We've survived. You will too. You have to take a leap of faith though and do some of what I suggested.

TTSMM,

I can understand the depth of your pain, I've been there. But suicide will only hurt your children more. They need you.

Please call someone for help. This is not a good thing.

Zorweb,

i am at work and feeling sortof ok. i am not doing anything rash for now. i have an appt w/my therapist later today. he wanted to see if i could make it through the work day. i have ot call him at noon and let him know where i am at.

between mb and my men's team i rec'd a lot of support ove rhte last 12 hrs. i sent an email out to my mne's team at 4:0 am and one of them was up and called me at 4:40 am. he convincd me to not do anything last night and to call my therapist. which i have odne.

i did not promise anything other than that for now.

i am hurting and i want the hurt to stop.

i rec'd nine phone calls this morning at work from my men's team, being very concerned and supportive. i am not thinking clearly right now having had 3-4 hours of sleep a night and last nite even less.

i cannot see anything coming from my M besdies a D. she doesn't want to talk w/o lbing all over theplace. i tried to keep my cool, i don't deserve to be treated this way, but she thinks otherwise.

she said she doesn't care that the grabbing the wrists was five years ago, it represents who i am , what i am. that is bs. i have made tremendous strides in how i am and she tosses it aside and when she does, i do. i beleive how can i have changed so dramically? is this really me or is this a facade, an maks to win her back?

i really had 20 pills near my bed last nite and i feel like i have been using everyone around me for pity. but i have cried real tears with the words and support everyone has been gioving me.

the pain of what i did is just too much for me. too much to go through in one year. i am problably repeating myself...
aug 28, 2002 dad passed away
feb 2003 close uncle passed away
mar 21 2003 mom passed away (1 day before her 72nd bday)
may 4 2003 taken out of our house
may 30 2003 stefan's 3rd bday, missed it
june 26 2003 our 10th wedding anniversary, missed it
my marriage is destroyed
tomoorrow, aug 2 2003 i will be 40 with a ruined life. a life that i destroyed and i have no one to blame but me. why would i want ot inflict the people i kno wwith another 40 years of this?

i am still here and i will see my dr tonite

ttsmm

I am truly sorry to hear of your situation TTSVM. I do have to tip my hat off to you for realizing what it is you have done and taking steps to fix them. My WW isn't even at that point.

It sounds like your WS is having a hard time forgiving you just as I had a hard time forgiving and forgetting my WW's A. Hopefully in due time she will be able to. I know I have been able to forgive her but the forgetting is the hardest.

Has your W read any of the MB stuff? It is great stuff and has given me an understanding of everything.

I know how the thoughts of suicide can creep in. But that is the the exact opposite of what you want to do. Rebuild your life so your wife will want to be apart of it with your children. My hope for the future is this will make me a better person and I can't wait to be at that point of happiness when I can look back at all of this and know I had the strength to move on and become a better person. Your children will love you for it. And please don't use them as a tool to inflict pain and try to get what you want. They need love and comfort.

You can do it. Do not give up hope. You did it once and this time around you have the experience of the first time around to your advantage.

Best of luck! My prayers are with you.

Remember your children. Would this be fair to them? Let them know if you can how much they mean to you. A child's hug can do wonderous things when we're depressed. I like the hospital option. It's good to surround yourself with as many people as possible. Physical contact is essential to reassure you that people care.

We do. We really do.

[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[TTSMM]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]

TTSMM:

Time 2 2rn this all around.

Take your being out of the house as an oppor2nity 2 reflect on who you really are, who you really want 2 be, and what your integtrity means 2 you.

Stop worrying about what your W is saying, doing, thinking, telling people... You're in an infinite negative feedback loop with the arguments, the resentment, the anger, and the only way 2 stop it is 2 stop it. Change the subject. Do something that takes your mind of your worries.

Remember these points:

*Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person 2 die.

*When you are expressing your anger via angry outbursts at the people you purport 2 love, you are wrong. Angry outbursts are counterproductive. They will accomplish nothing. They don't even make you feel good for more than a few seconds, do they? So, the only way 2 stop the poison from overcoming you is 2 just stop. It's not wrong 2 feel anger, it's just wrong 2 express it through attacking others - even if you believe they "deserve it."

*you are a good person. You are a thoughtful person. You are an intelligent person. ...there are your starting points. Work on bolstering those truths about you. Cease worrying about what kind of "picture" your W is painting of you 2 others. It's incorrect. But her picture of you won't change until you change how the world sees you. You want 2 foster a confident, truly happy, compassionate and empathic new man. This might seem like "putting up a facade" at first, but you want 2 know the truth? You've been wearing a "mask" your whole life - we all have - and unfor2nately it almost always takes some kind of trauma - like an affair, a death, the breakup of our families - 2 wake us up 2 this fact.

You can do this.
-2long

all,
i made a snap decision from a suggestions from a coworker. i am going oout to san deigo to be with my f 4 my bday. i leave out of jfk at 6pm

i cancelled my appt w/my therpist but will be in touch w/him from cal.

i will keep all posted & go online ou there.

ttsmm

THANKS AGAIN FOR ALL YOUR SUPPOR AND LOVE

PLEASE, PLEASE don't even think of taking your life. I know your pain .... but BELIEVE ME WHEN I TELL YOU THIS ... every day the pain will ease a little ... the terrible darkness will get a little lighter. You ask me, "How on earth could I even know how you are feeling?" Well I can only say that I was on the other end and I was the betrayed spouse only five months ago. My world crumbled. I felt as though I couldn't go on. The thought of taking my life didn't enter my mind. No matter how bad you hurt at this moment, taking your life will accomplish nothing but hurt others, and yes, you are loved by people that would miss you terribly. Ending your life would rob you of a future ... that could possiblly be better than what you had in the past. I don't know why you had an affair ... that is no concern of mine but you deserve to go on with your life and build a new one either with your wife or make a GOOD new beginning. Be strong for yourself, work each day to recover. I found much help here at Marriage Builders, as well as help from two very close friends who stuck by me. Even if you don't feel confortable discussing this with a friend (as some men don't), then stay with us at MB and all of us will get you throuh this. We are all praying for you.

Trying,

I don't agree with cancelling your appt. Have fun in Cal. I hope the change of sceneary helps.

It is not the answer. The pain does go away. I know the pain, I felt the pain. I asked god to take me, many times, I wished I would die. I also knew that my dying would hurt my children more than me divorcing their father. I am the BS, the pain is horrible.

You are not going to like what i am bout to say. I think at this point, you need to stop worrying about your M, and concentrate on yourself. Heal yourself.

I know you want your M to work. If you do not pull yourself together, you cannot even try to work on your M.

As far as your W, at this point, she is not reasonable, she is still hurting, angry, bitter. You will not be able to reason with her until she deals with this. As a BS, I held onto alot of anger and bitternes. Until I let it go, I carried that anger with me. I never realized I was that way until I let it go. I had a way of coming out into other aspect of my life.

Right now, you need to work on you. Find a way to deal with the pain in a healthy way until it gets better.