Sad news. My W called me at work an hour ago. She told me that she finished talking to her lawyer's asst and that tonight, at home, I was going to be served D papers. THIS IS THE DARKEST DAY OF MY LIFE! I am NOT thinking about suicide or anything like that. I said several 'Our Father's' to get myself through. I have a terrible pain in my stomach and my hands are trembling. "Thy Will be Done!" is all I keep saying. How do I act when I get home? How do I react when this stranger comes to my home and serves me the papers? GOD HELP ME!

TTSMM

TTSMM, I'm so sorry that you are in so much pain. I've never been served with divorce papers, so I can't know exactly how you feel, but I wanted to remind you there are people here who are still concerned about you and remembering you in our prayers. My suggestion would be to keep taking your meds and seeing an IC, and surround yourself with friends and family who are supportive. Take deep breaths. God bless you as you go through this.

Just a thought... You may be served with D papers, but is it necessary to sign them? If so, if you really don't want a D you can contest it. That way, she has the burden of proof in court.

Let me know if I'm off base.

SAB,
You are not off base.
She has pictures of her wrists when I grabbed her 5 years ago. Since she found the pic of this woman I was chatting with on Internet, she said she has kept a diary. She has every argument, road rage, coming home late, me confessing to the A 3-1/2 years later, etc. (so she tells me).

TTSMM

TTSMM
I was lurking on this board on July31st when I came across your post and let me tell you it scared the hell out of me.I didn't reply because it seemed many of the others on this board went all out to give you advise and love and I sent you some mentally.

Now I've just finished reading this whole thread and my heart goes out to you and your wife.I think you've done some deep soul searching and it is a long journey you are on. My Husband was very verbally abusive and controlling ( although he never saw it that way ) always my fault. I loved him very much and love him still but I know his LB's devastated me. In the end I withdrew as it was the only way I could protect myself. Eventually we separated and were apart for two years.

He had a lot of baggage from his childhood, basically thought his mother and grandmother were controlling *****es and he was never going to let any woman control him again. Well guess what I was not his mother in fact nothing like her but I paid for what she caused in his young life.

Sexually he also used porn all the time and I would watch with him and even enjoy it from time to time but it ended up feeling like I was in a treesome and thats not my style. Porn stops you from connecting with the person your'e with. For the last 4yrs of our marriage there was no sex (he was angry with me ) personally I think he is angry at all women.

We are very good friends now and we help each other in every way. We share family meals and also spend lots of time together. Believe me it feels good. I think your wife is angry with you for taking her forgranted and it sounds like you all need a little space away from eachother. It feels like to me you are pushing too hard because you are afraid of losing her. Real love has nothing to do with fear. I commend you for not using LB's as they are devastating and do NO GOOD WHATSOEVER.If you give yourself some space and then try dating her and treating her like the queen she is maybe then you can be the King I know you are. There are so many overwhelming feelings overtaking you both right now sometimes one needs some time alone to be able to see things in a clear light. Both of you need help to really see yourselves and eachother and how you came to the place you're in now.

I have been to councellors who I felt just wanted to agree with me and make me feel good and they didn't help much and my H just thought he was right and didn't need a C. It's good to start seeing our faults as thats the first step in changing them. Men and women do not speak the same language and if you can find a good translater someone who can teach you to hear eachother instead of just wanting to be heard that really helps.

Finally, I am so glad you didn't do anything to yourself that night because whatever happens now you are on your way to becoming the incredible MAN you were meant to be.

Cottontail,
Thanks for your support.
This weekend was tough. My W called me at work to order more toys for our D for Christmas. I told her I would take care of it when I got home. Later that evening, after the kids went to bed, I was ready to call the toy company, and my W said "You will probably be upset by what I am going to say, but, I want to be on the phone when you order the toys so I know you are not pocketing the money." In the past, I would have blown up (LBing). This time I only said, "OK." It did bother me me tremendously though. I mean, if I had ordered the toys from work earlier, she would not have been on the phone to 'check up'. What was the difference because I was home?
Another strange point, when she comes down from the bedroom to go to the kitchen, she comes down the strairs and takes the 'long way' to the kitchen (through 2 add'l rooms) so she will not pass by the sofa I am on (whether I am awake or not).
On Saturaday I went out with a friend, male, for a few drinks and dinner. When I came home, my W started to talk to me about her taking a vacation w/o the kids (or me). She will problably go to California to see a girlfriend. So I listened and was supportive. Then I started telling her about dinner with my friend. As soon as opened my mouth, she said something like 'that's your personal life, not my concern.'
On Monday, I was saying to myself, how can I fulfil the EN of Conversation when she doesn't want to talk. Right after that, I went up to our bedroom and she was talking about the kids. We talked for about 50 minutes (far cry from 2+ hours a day to get the min of 15). What was intereseting is that she talked about how her mother was with her growing up. She squashed her beauty and this affected how my W felt out about herself sexually. "It's hard to admit our shortcomings", she said and she apolgized for our sex life. Then she said that that doesn't mean she would have done anything crazy sexually with me, and that you should only do things that are comfortable for you. This was good to hear from her. I felt the urge to defend myself again for what she was talking about as crazy sexually; I wanted those things when I was deep in the Internet and the A. I don't want those things now. But it is impossible (right now) to bring those things up.
Lastly, on Friday, she asked if anyone came by to give me something. She was talking about the D papers. Noone had and she seemed upset over that. I hope to have the strength with God's help to not blow up when these papers are handed to me.

How do I give her space w/o completely losing her? I was out of the house for three months. During that time she sold her wedding and engagement rings to pay for her atty. She changed the locks on the house. She is serving me D papers and doesn't want to talk. Ignores me in the house, unless she needs money. As for dating, read some of my other posts. I told her recently, that I wanted to take her out on a date, and she said, "We're married. You are so weird. Married people don't go out on dates." She is very language oriented; words mean way too much. I have to select every word carefully, or I will hear it later on, and she won't hear the rest of my sentance.

On Sunday, I went to an SLAA (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous) meeting. My behavior, 5 - 6 years ago, was definitely addictive, although I never admitted that at the time. But now, I don't feel I am an SA. I have urges, desires and I am not doing anything that is remotely damging to the M. But with her constant berage of "Your illness..." I am questioning myself. I am going to continue to attend the meetings for a while to get a better understanding.

Thanks again,
TTSMM