Hi h, yes I just recieved your email. Thanks i was worried I sent to the wrong person. You two are headed in the right direction, keep your faith. It will all be ok, just dont get discouraged if she has a relapse and starts to wonder . In her mind wonder is what I mean. I hope it doesn't happen . Take care glad everything is looking up for you. Now we have to help out so. I hope to see her tomorrow . hurtin

Hi Humbleman

Please be very careful, my W didn't believe in A's either. My W had many of the same behaviors when I entered the computer room. If its just a friendship then nothing should be secret. EA's can develope slowly, but they do develope.

Hi all,
Hurtin, I know what you mean about setting up for a fall; some days I feel great and then the next day i can just crash. I just have to take one day at a time and figure out how to get through the day. I asked my H to send me another e-mail this morning but when I got in to work he hadn't sent one *sigh* I feel like if he was serious about this he would know how badly I need to hear from him every day, even if it seems silly to him. How do I get him to understand that even if it seems like a silly meaningless gesture (just an e-mail) it can make the difference to me between a good day and a bad day.
I have a great therapist and last night she and I talked about how my H is essentially a loyal and honest individual and what happened really was a break with character, and not something that happens a lot or will likely happen again. So that helped me feel good, but I also need my H to do the day-to-day gestures of good will that let me know he is serious about us.
I bought His Needs Her Needs at Barnes & Noble before I found out you can buy it on MB at a discount. Then I bought Surviving an Affair here on MB at a discount. Very much recommend both of them.
Hurtin, the title of the post is When can i start to love again? Do you feel you are rebuilding that love?

Hi so, How are you this afternoon? Hun I know believe me how one minute we are up, then next we are down. Men just don't seem to understand things sometimes, and well I think right now your h may be one of those men. I don't think you should even have to ask him to send you a email, he should be doing this on his own he needs to earn your trust, and respect back. I don't understand why he is being so how can i say this, shy<<< with you, Has he told you that he is sorry for your pain? Im glad that you have a therapist to talk to about this. I and my husband really need to go see someone, we are doing much better, but it is still not were i would like it to be. I want his attention around others, and dont want him to be distant. He is sometimes , maybe im just asking for to much, I feel he owes me at least that. He really is trying but now I want more attention on me, and Im afraid I have drove him away from that, anyway back to you. You asked about rebuilding our love. You know I believe so, but im still not trusting the way I should, I think once I can get over that hump It may be easier to love the way I once did. See I never stopped loving my husband, nor did he, we just arent were we used to be in that area. Does that make sense? I understand you when you say also that a silly gesture to you can make a difference in your day, This is so so true. And for the record it is not silly at all. Have you talked to him about how you feel, what you feel you need from him? Is he willing to try at least to do some of these things? See in the very beginning for us, my husband gave 110 % where i was not willing to give even 1 %. I think he felt that nothing he is trying to do is helping so he in a way gave up. Not completely but somewhat. I can see that , and Im not angry for it, just at myself for not letting him help me in his way. But at the time I had to do what I felt was best, which was put the wall up in front of us, so I could not get hurt further. All that is lacking right now, from my eyes anyway is I want that individual attention from him, not just when he wants to make love, but mainly when we are out in public. Do you or humble think that is selfish? Well hun i better get back to checking my mail i have 220 , i swear . lol. Anyway, Take care god bless, and I hope tomorrow brings a much better day for you. your friend hurtin

Hi Hurtin and So,

I Hve included both as the issues are similar:

1. When and how to trust again?
Not easy. Have trust in God and Faith. Have trust in you. Trust your own instinct. Trsut has to be rebuild slowly, something which breaks cannot be build in a day or in the same way as before, however, it can be rebuilt in an even better way.
2. How does the H feel when wife is not responding?
Despondent and frustated. He is repentant , wants to build bridges but he meets a wall.
My W had taken a decision to do the same initially. She went into chats and was in phone contact with her friend.
You have to try to do nice things in response for they give H happiness. Not necessarily wanting sex, thats not upper in my mind at least. Sex lies in the mind, not elsewhere. H should know that.( I do)

Hurtin, and So, I wish your H , would shower more affection on to you. That is the very basic, I think you should take the initative ONCE, and that might let them do the thinking.
You send a nice and lovely email or note showing that you still care.
You care and love your H, show that Now. They will catch on that and then begin displaying their affection more eagerly.

Hope I have been of some help.

I am closer to my W than before, just trying to handle this issue of her chats and phones. I think she will realsie or already has that I am listening to her now.

Take care, both of you.

Humble

<small>[ September 11, 2003, 11:06 PM: Message edited by: humbleman ]</small>

Hi Silverthorn,
Thnx for your input.
I am not being complacent on that . I sit now with her , she chats in General friendship and Life chats. Her furtivenss has decreased a lot, not much fuss with the phone right now. She had told me earlier that this was mainly in retaliation to what I had been doing and hers were all clean chats. I asked her if she still calls him, she just shrugged and said no, its not important anymore.
My problem is , do I put a spyware, I dont want to invade her trust right now. I know her commitment , it is definitely more than probbaly mine was earlier.
So I am just keeping my eyes and ears open. Monitoring mails is easy as she doesnt use any password on that.
Hope it work for me,
you take care,
Humble,

Hi h, sorry i missed you again. I got your mail and was about to write when i got booted, then just came into mb. My husband is doing things for me, he makes breakfast on the weekends, he takes the kids with him on errands, he brings me flowers, what I want and need now is what he was doing when i first found out, and was not ready for. What i need is affection around other people, at home he is great, but when we are out there in the real world he is not close. I know that it is because he is afraid of rejection again. How can i get it back? should I just tell him? That would probably be best right? He just left for work, and one thing he never ever used to do before was wear his wedding ring to work at nite, his job calls for wearing gloves and he would say that he was afraid of loosing it. He has for some time now been wearing it, and i told him i noticed, and thank you. Humble im so glad things are working out for you. About the spy wear, it is so hard , I really dont think your wife has any intentions of an affair , especially since she is so hurt with what it did to her when you had one. I think she is just looking for answers, i went through this believe me we just in our own imature way of thinking want you our husbands to know that we can play the same game. Two wrongs dont make a right, but when we are hurting over infidelity, these things run through our minds. I would never do it although it did run through my mind as well. I dont think you have anything to worry about, but keep an eye on the bills . For your own sanity. Spy ware is so tasteless, I mean if you and you are the only one who really knows your wife feel nothing is wrong than dont risk it. If in a few weeks you feel something is up, i would just confront her, before doing anything else. Sometimes we look for problems, because of our own guilt. Does that make sense to you? Well I think I have typed enough lol. I hope to see you and so, soon. Take care god bless, hurtin <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Hi Hurtin,
I agree with your opinion entirely. I am confident of my wife and I believe it was entirely that thing, that I can do it too, albeit, will not cross the line, so we get a sense of our follies. Regrding your H 's behaviour I have the answer. I know how it feels to be rejected when you have shown everything you have got. HE feels unadmired. You have to take small leads. Like I said a small note or card, men like that.
Then admire and appreciate him in front of others, as to the great things he has been doing with the home and family.
We need admiration and appreciation constantly.
Display yoru own affection in subtle ways, when outside, make more eye contact , brush his arms or hair for innocuous things, hold his hand..you know small things. He will notice them and take his initiative then.
Hug him close, that will rejuvenate him, kiss him lightly.Oops sorry if I became graphic.
.
Phone him at work , say you miss him. Make him his favorite dish for dinner or lunch. Those will instill confidence of your love in him.

Hope everything goes well. Take good care,
Humble

<small>[ September 11, 2003, 11:13 PM: Message edited by: humbleman ]</small>

Good morning, oops, it's afternoon already.
Humble, I wish/hope that your ideas would work on my H. I have always showered him with affection and love, because that is what I wished for from him. Now is no exception. i think that the affection such as calling him, leaving notes, holding hands, etc. just doesn't mean as much to him as it does to me because he doesn't initiate such contact as much as I do or as much as I would like. However guess what Hurtin, he did send me an e-mail today without me prompting him to so that was encouraging. It's the little things, right? What I'd love would be for him to make it a habit but it's hard to teach people habits unless they come naturally.
Humble, your situation sounds like it's improving and you are doing so many good things for your W. It sounds like she is seeing the light about how much you love her and want to do right by her. These things take time but I'm glad she's coming around. I wouldn't make a big deal about tracking her phone calls or "spyware" or anything right now because you have to reciprocate her trust. If she starts to keep secrets from you or acts like she's hiding something then you can dig deeper but it sounds like it was very innocent and perhaps now you are meeting her needs and she won't go looking outside your relationship.
good for you!
Hurtin, you and I are in a similar boat as far as what happened with our Hs. Isn't it encouraging to know that it only happened one time and was just a big, huge mistake but not an ongoing relationship of deceit? When I think of people who have had spouses whose affairs lasted months or years, it just blows my mind as to how they find forgiveness. I try not to think about what my H did and as long as I don't think about it, I can find it in my heart to forgive him and just carry on. We'll see how long this will last but I have to go one day at a time.

Hi there you two,,, humble im so so glad for you, I am going to try your method of thinking, and I will let you know how it works for me. Ugghhh I know this sounds selfish but why do we have to try so hard, we did nada . I understand though and because he did do those things for me in the beginning, and i didnt respond I can understand why. My husband is an excellent father, better than any i have come across and not just because he is my husband . He does things with our kids every single day, even when he is dead tired, as he has been this last week and a half . He works all day long, and now that his employee is sick he is taking over for him at night , leaving at 9 sometimes and not getting home till after 2am. He is so tired that he is not able to sleep when he gets home, and still gets up and takes our son to school. He is truly a wonderful man, he made a mistake and now he has to pay the price . When I first found out I wanted him to hurt as much as I , but now that I am seeing things , I dont want anyone to ever hurt this way, not even my worse enemy. So yes it is very encouraging to know that it was just one huge, mistake with our h's. I don't know how I would be today if it was a on going affair. I thank god for that, and I guess I also have to give him a little credit for that. He could have done it more, (god I hope he never did it more than that one time) but life goes on. So I assume you dont have a computer at home, is this true? I wish you and I and humble could get together in a chat . Humble I was not able to send mail on aol today so I did not respond , but My screen name on hotmail is the same as my aol only without the 2003. Well you two I have to get it is early day at school for my little man, and it is the time to pick him up . Have a wonderful rest of the day. And humble thanks for the bday wish in advance , I plan to live it up that day... hurtin

Hi Hurtin

I did not have time to read your thread but I promise I will.I saw on billibobs thread where you wanted to chat.Here I am give me a day or so to get caught up on your story.I will probably have time to do it tomorrow.

Just wanted to let you know that I saw your request and hope that we can help each other.

Have a good night
Talk to you soon <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Hurtin,
I am sure you will make progress, your H seems such a nice man, one has to fogive and forget, for always remember that the baggage will be around your neck too, if you dont get rid of it. Its not easy, why should you have to do it, yes, thats life! It has twists and turns and that is what life is all about.
Also Saying So, instill it in your H, every successful man has a woman behind him.
You too encourage your H, you have great guys waiting for you.
Take care, Humble

<small>[ September 11, 2003, 11:18 PM: Message edited by: humbleman ]</small>

Thanks Ginger,, I went in and read yours last nite it took a long time but well worth it. Thanks so much for replying I appreciate it. Hurtin <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thanks humble,, Yes i value your opinion. I am trying and as I said I will let you know what happens. Glad to her your w is scolding you again , I think,,,,, lol... Anyway got to put my son to bed otherwise he will never ever go,,,talk to you soon,, Hurtin

Hi Hurtin

I read through some of your thread.I will be honest I did not read the whole thing because I have my GD running around and she is a terror,she likes to make a mess where ever she goes.

How are you doing?I may cheat and ask you to bring me up todate on your situation.I did notice that you got advice from Star.She is wonderful and has the greatest advise.

It seems that your H is very much a part of helping you recover.If I am wrong let me know.But if he is you are a very lucky woman.Count that a blessing.I know it does not make what they did any easier but just knowing he is by your side to help you through this is a great sign.

I will check in tomorrow and see how you are and hope for a little update.

Talk to you soon. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Hurtin,
Hope you had a good day. I seemed to be just anxious around my wife , and I hope to get over it soon.
Hope you get time to relax too.
Later,
Humble

Hi ginger, I was glad to see your thread here. I understand about reading the whole thread boy yours took forever, but wow, what an experience. Yes my husband is very helpful with everything. He trys his best to help me get through this every single day, I am the one on some days, that will not let it happen. I know that what he did was a huge mistake and I do believe he knows this also. After reading some of the forum I do know that I am lucky. His mistake was just one night, and some here are still living the nightmare. How are you doing? Are things any better in your situation? I truly hope so, and if not I hope it will come soon. You seem like such a wonderful loving, and giving person. Some men just don't know how lucky they are. My situation is so much harder than I have even mentioned. Only because my sister and brother in law are involved . I have not spoke with my sister,(not my choice) in a real conversation, in over two years. That is pain in itself. But god knows I have done my best to talk to her, and it is her choice to stay distant. well if there is anything you would like to know just ask. MB has been a blessing in disquise for me, and I told my husband just last nite , that I wish he would come in and take a look, He said he would . So with that said , thank you once again, God bless, hurtin <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi humble ,, IM sorry but im not sure what you mean about being anxious. Are you speaking of the chatting, and so forth? Humble don't worry about it, give her some time and space for now. I think it is just your own guilt that is makihng you anxious, no offense, but it is so fresh in both your minds and that may be the reason behind it.. Take care god bless, and not sure if i will be on in the next couple of days, We are going to celebrate my b day sat so ,, I will get back as soon as i can,, Hurtin

Hurtin

Ok now you have me so curious.How are your S and BIL involved.I know that you probably wrote it somewhere here but if you don't mind please tell me the story.

I am so sorry to hear of the pain of no contact w/S I am sure it is hard.

Yes you are lucky in a way but it does not make your pain any less than anyone else.Remember we all hurt and your pain is as real as anyone else's.

I have been through so much in my life,most of which I have chose not to share,but by far my H A has been the worst.The hardest thing to deal with.

I hope to hear from you soon.
Have a great day!!!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi ginger im finally back,, Sorry about the long wait, but the long weekend took its tole.. Well my sister does not talk to me because her husband and mine used to work together, My husband had to fire hers and ever since then , they have not wanted any contact with us. My brother in law new it was coming, he was talked to many times, asked to do certain things, and they never got done. It was one of the hardest things my husband has ever had to do, but of course they will never believe that. My sister stopped talking to me and my children, she says hi and bye on holidays once in a while now, but that is the extent of her affection. Then long story but i called her, i was torn apart by her not talking to me, so I called to ask why, why , what did i and my children do? She said the only reason she did not want to talk to me is because she knew of my husbands affair and was afraid , (yeah right) that i would get hurt. What else would i get excited,,, i mean really. Now it is harder than ever to even face them I feel angry, hurt, dissapointed, I love them all very very much but it is so hard . Just like you there is so much more i have chose not to say, but it hurts like hell, i have no family to talk to about my hubbys affair, only the people here on mb. I feel my family betrayed me, oh by the way my sister also told my mother, of the affair and she did not tell me either, which hurts so bad. I cannot talk to my mother, im afraid she will only say what i want to hear because she knows how hurt i am with her and my sister about this, Even though all this has happened , I love them all dearly and would love to have my family back, if not for me for our children.. By the way my sisters son is our godson, that is how close we all were before,, anyway,,, I hope to hear from you soon, ginger... god bless hurtin.