Hi SS,
You're words have been an incredible comfort to me during this time. I want wait it out a bit and see what my husband does while I work on creating a future for myself either way. My heart tells me that I have to do that. It’s encouraging to hear that you can bring those love feelings back but I think the key to that sentence is “if two people are willing to work”. Right now my husband isn’t and hasn’t been for quite some time and I wonder if he’s even capable of doing the work. Only time will tell.

I’ll be ok.

I talked with Cerri today. She was telling me how she doesn’t think she knows anyone that’s better off after a divorce. I wonder if that’s true. I might go to the divorce /divorcing board and see what they say. The reason I ask is that if I can’t save my marriage, I would like to know my future will be happy.

Again, thanks for your words. They help more than you know!

Warm Regard,

<small>[ September 03, 2003, 09:59 PM: Message edited by: troubled1 ]</small>

T1,

I am sorry you are feeling at your wits end. It is quite normal for a BS to feel that way, many many times while their WS is in the fog.

By the way, for those WS who can't see what the rest of the world sees regarding their fogginess...... why is there a blue knot on the WS' forhead? Hm..... kinda like the emperor and his 'new clothes'. The fog teaches the WS and OP that it is ok to speak and act as if they are living in a pretend world. What they don't hear is the real world around them. Unfortunately that often includes their family, friends, neighbors and yes, even the family pet.

I remember 1 BS whose WS moved to another state to be with the OW. Her cats hated him while he was in the A. To the cats, I think the WS 'smelled' funny. They did not sense his love for them nor his W.....yep even the animals know the damage an A can have on the household. He eventually recovered and now they are doing quite well. I had the pleasure of meeting Knewjie and [H]. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

As long as he is in the fog, don't try logic. Doesn't work well. Gets very distorted and wears you out.

Instead work on you. Easy to say and hard to do. Keep posting here and if he wants to read, let him. Many a WS think they come here to find ammo. What they find is all the pain and eventually some of it hits them. Some right between the eyes, others are up side the head and still others are knocked off their feet.

Let your H know that there is nothing worse than getting into an MB discussion with an XWS. You won't find too many of them endorsing an A. Yet they are probably just the ones the WS needs to hear from.

Right now there are a couple of guys on GQII who are WS' and posting. Maybe even 6 or so.... they come and go. Some come and hide (read as a lurker) and a few venture to post.

So Mr. T1, let us know how you are feeling. If you are soooo happy with this OW character, then strip all your anger away.....give all to your W, take all you can from the OW (cuz remember taking advantage of an OW are what OWs like best) and always smile around your W. Force it if you have to. Convince her that the OW makes you real real real happy. Doesn't matter if you puke on the inside because your W is already doing that. Most of the BS' here have been on that 'infidelity diet' and lost a lot of weight. Many a BS start looking real good but you won't see them thanking any OPs. YUCK! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Remember Mr. T1, be happy, even if it makes your W sick. I wished that type of happiness on my WS at one time. Told him to go be happy. That is what his son and I wished for him. To be happy even if it made us miserable because we now understood that his happiness was more important to him than ours. Once we admitted that, it was easier.

Don't irriate your W. Don't spend $$ on the OW. Spend it on your W. Make sure that you give all your $$ and financial security to your W. She should get something for her misery. The OW has not been miserable enough to have any financial benefit. If the OW is getting any financial benefit (includes even hotels and meals), then you may have a short life span with her. Once you can't buy the OW what she wants, you will be an 'old hat' and she will be scouting for the 'next victim'. But remember that could be your choice.

If this sounds harsh, it isn't. It is real. It is what happens.

L.

<small>[ September 04, 2003, 02:07 AM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by troubled1:
<strong>

Has anyone ever been in a situation like this and recovered?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I recovered - WITHOUT my wife. On my own, after our Divorce, which she isisted on...
You've gotten so much good advice on this thread. I like particularly what Cali had to say: you focus that you will wind up healthy and whole no matter what happens to your Marriage.
From what I've read, you sound committed to your Marriage. If your husband is the same way (I don't think he is) then your Marriage WILL recover and you two will be better off than before, cause, I believe it does take TWO to make something work, and you have it. He does not. Until he changes his attitude, you are up against a wall.
HLT

You seem better (at least at the time of your last post) than you have for a time. I think cerri is a good choice. I believe she can vastly increase your chances of success.

You're words have been an incredible comfort to me during this time.
I have been given much help here myself, I hope I can give back.

I want wait it out a bit and see what my husband does while I work on creating a future for myself either way. My heart tells me that I have to do that.

Make sure your heart and head work together. One of the reasons I am glad that cerri is helping you is because she has been there. She once was where you are rignt now. Remember that she works on this every day. She knows much more than you or I, and she not only sees the problems, but she sees many different ways of working on them, and she sees what works and what doesn't.

It&#8217;s encouraging to hear that you can bring those love feelings back but I think the key to that sentence is &#8220;if two people are willing to work&#8221;. Right now my husband isn&#8217;t and hasn&#8217;t been for quite some time.........

No, we can tell he isn't - but many respond to good work by their spouse. He may respond to you if you are willing to work on it alone for a time.

and I wonder if he&#8217;s even capable of doing the work. Only time will tell.

Your time will tell statement is so true. Sometimes it takes more time than the other half can stand. That's why I asked what you wanted. It is often so hard to know what you want because the strain is so bad tnat it seems like it would be so much easier to quit - to divorce.
Time will tell is so true, but your marriage is much more likely to work, if you spend that time working on your marriage.

I&#8217;ll be ok.
I believe that you will, but in between here and now and OK lies a lot of work and heartache. I......It's so hard to find the right words.....I wish somehow we could make that journey easier but much of it you will do seemingly with out help. I believe you will look back and realize that you did indeed have help, I just wish for your travel time to be shortened a bit.

I talked with Cerri today. She was telling me how she doesn&#8217;t think she knows anyone that&#8217;s better off after a divorce. I wonder if that&#8217;s true.
Think for a minute who it is that you were talking to. Think about her journey (I would guess she shared it with you at least in part.) I am sure that there is someone somewhere that is happier, but those I have talked to agree with cerri. She is trying to give you a gift of knowledge that she learned very painfully. I believe you will be happier - no matter how this ends up, if you try to save things first.

I might go to the divorce /divorcing board and see what they say. The reason I ask is that if I can&#8217;t save my marriage, I would like to know my future will be happy.

I believe you will be able to make a happy future for yourself. There is happy, and there is happy. Some happy's are better than others. We don't want you to wonder what might have been. We want you to be able to say "There was nothing else I could have done."

This weekend remember that even with all your troubles others think about you and care what happens to you. See you.

SS

<small>[ September 05, 2003, 05:47 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

I'm having a ROUGH Morning. I don't feel very strong today.

Earlier this week I saw that our Triathlon Club was having 20 mile easy spin ride today and my H was one of the leads on the ride. I asked him if he had a problem if I went on this ride. I thought it would be a good work out since tomorrow I'm doing a half marathon. He said no, he wouldn't have a problem with it. So this morning I'm getting ready for the ride and H is moping around the house looking depressed. I don't say anything but I'm pretty sure he's thinking he doesn't want us to be on this ride together. Then he says " maybe you should just go on the ride and I'll ride on my own around here" I said "but your supposed to be leading the ride" He said the other lead could handle it. I asked why he felt that way and he said he just didn't want to be around other people and pretend we're this happy couple. I told him that he should go on the ride and that I would stay home.

This opened up another conversation. He told me he isn't doing any of this to make me unhappy and that he's sad that I'm unhappy and that he wants to make this whole thing as easy and painless as possible. He wanted to know if I was going to do anything to get the house ready to sell and help with that process. He wanted to know if we were going to be able to be civil to each other during this process and speak "constructively" about our situation. I thought that was an interested choice of words because the whole thing is a process of destruction.

I thanked him for telling me how he feels. I told him that it isn't what I wanted and that I felt if he wanted to sell our home then he should take on the burden of that. He made another interesting comment on how I can chose how I feel during this. I told him that's right, we choose how we feel don't we. We make a decision to feel a certain way and then we do feel that way. We've made choices during our marriage to feel a certain way didn't we? He just didn't know how to respond to that.

I keep wondering why he can't see things the way I do. I know this is ridiculous that he should see things exactly the way I do but I don't understand why if he's a smart man, and I know he is, he can't see how destructive this whole thing is. I think he thinks this(divorce) is a constructive and healthy process.

So anyway. I'm crying this morning and not feeling very strong or optimistic. I had been doing pretty well but not this morning. I hope this passes soon.

Thanks for listening.

T1,

I just sent you can e-mail......can you call me?

L.

T1,
Wishing you well tonight. People are praying for you.

Orchid, thanks, please take care of her. I hope you are well lately, you don't say much, but I pray for you too.

SS

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by still seeking:
<strong>T1,
Wishing you well tonight. People are praying for you.

Orchid, thanks, please take care of her. I hope you are well lately, you don't say much, but I pray for you too.

SS</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">SS,
Thanks for the vote of confidence. I am doing ok. The drama is still on but it now resides in the OWs head in another city. The arm of the law is not far away now. PBR is truly a PBR, the rest of the world is not getting sucked into her web of deceit and most thinks she is nuts. They are right, she has been and still is. It is sad but true.

I had a chance to meet with T1 yesterday. She is a beautiful person inside and out. I can't for the life of me figure out how her H can be soooo _____. Ours is not to wonder why, ours is but to ___ or _____. So with that I will just stand by until she calls.

T1, I hope you are doing well. I can't say I understand the mind of a WS (even though I have lived with one), but I can say that as long as his confusion keeps peeking through, he knows he is fighting against himself. Just don't let him give you the short end of the stick. If this A of his is soooo good, then he s/b willing to have the OW give up her life of luxury of the A and it's fancies and material possession then willingly live in a cardboard box under the freeway because the WS is worth more than all the possessions in the world. Hmmph.....haven't seen one OW do that yet. Ya know? On the other hand most of the BS have done just that.....the main exception is that we were much younger and in love. Hey, in love......wow what a difference between true love and an A. BIG DIFFERENCE. Don't forget that. You are priceless, OWs are worthless.

Hugz,
L.

I'm feeling grief beyond words this evening. The depth of this pain is too great to bear. I don't know how i will get through this night. My husband and I spewed at each other this evening. He threw his beer at me and screemed and I told him exactly what kind of person I thought he was and told him I was going to tell his whole family so they can see what I've been dealing with. I love him and hate him all at the same time. It's definitly beyond repair now. I want out but I can't let go. what's wrong with me?

Why is God ignoring me? when I cry out to him I get nothing but emptyness and dispair in return. I don't know how to recover from this. I don't know how to get through the next 5 minutes.

Hi T1,
I wish your H would help you now, when you need help.

I am sorry you feel such darkness, Even though I know God is there, there have been times that I have felt very alone. I hope you take some comfort in talking to Orchid. I hope you call her when you need someone to talk to.

I have felt Gods love directly many times, but I notice that it us usually through other people that he meets my needs. I hope we can help with that. You call out for help, I know there is not much we can do to take away your pain right now. Saying that we care (and we do care) doesn't fill that hole in your soul very well.

Please have faith that you can get through this - that someday you will feel happiness again. Don't let the dark feelings get the best of you.

When you run, especially when you run long distances there are times when you feel that you are finished, that you can't go on. You know it would be so easy to just stop at those times, but you reach inside and somehow you find a way to keep going far beyond where you thought you could go. You can do that now with your life, you can keep going and there really is a finish line out there waiting for you. Someday this race will be over, and your time won't matter so much - but it will just be if you can find the strength to finish.

Many here have been where you are, and come out the other side a better person for their experiances. I send encouragement, hope, and love. We always wish we could do more, I will add my prayers to yours.

Please continue to pray and I believe you will be able to feel love come from God also. Do the best you can, and when you need strength, you will find it.

I don't know what else has happened since you last posted, I believe it is not going to improve all in one day. This is going to take time, and endurance. I am probably not telling you anything new, but sometimes it helps to know that it won't be this way forever, it just seems that way.

I'm sorry we can't always be here when you hurt the most. Please know that we do care, that we want to help.

Take care of yourself, you are worth taking care of, I believe what Orchid said - beautiful inside and out. I believe you can do this - whatever it takes.
See you when I can get back again.

SS

T1,

Why didn't you call us? How are you doing now?

We are home now, call the home # if you want.

L.

<small>[ September 09, 2003, 11:09 PM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

Hi SS and Orchid,
I'm feeling better this evening. This is sooo tough. Everything is going so fast and it's out of my control. He is putting the house up for sale and I just have to go along with it.

Orchid, I thought about calling you but it got so late. I just didn't think anything was going to make me feel better last night.

I wish we could just separate for a while so I could keep my sanity. I keep thinking of everything we are going to lose. Our marriage, our home, our neighborhood and neighbors, we have two dogs who I love so much and I don't know what's going to happen to them, will we have to split them up? It's all so sad. What am I supposed to be learning from all this? I'm terrified that I'm going to see him with someone else after we separate and that will just kill me.

Isn't it easier to try to repair what we have than split up? Why doesn't he feel that way?

T1,

The important thing is helping you feel better. Helping you make sensible decisions to protect you. Right now the WS is NOT making safe or sensible decisions for his family (that includes you and the pets).

As for him doing the 'right thing', well it just might not be in his grasp right now and losing your home may be what it will take to help him see reality.

T1, look in the mirror, this A is not about you not being a good person, W or friend. It is about how he allowed himself to cultivate a bad attitude and relationship that is destined to fail. Yet like the proverbial 'bull being led to the slaughter' is how a man who is in want of the prostitute. Those are not mine words, it comes from a much higher source. That makes the impact all the more important.

Maybe you think you can affort to lose your home but you still have your life, health, sense of right and wrong, your wits, beauty and self worth. You really have more going for you than he does.

I know it is hard to let him drop and hit bottom but he does not appreciate your help so I recommend you back off from trying to pound some sense into his A brain.

Don't threaten him. Not a good move. If you feel you need to tell his family, then do so. Do it with great thought and know you are chancing his rage. So what? He is going to give you his anger either way so it probably doesn't matter anyway. Oh yes, he may say 'if you tell my family, I will never come back.' Right, the WS threatens a lot. When mine told me that, I told him I needed to help me keep my santity. Since he wasn't around, I needed to protect myself and if I needed to do it again, I would. I did. I informed both his parents and their support (despite a lot of dysfunction in his family), my MILs supported my family and not the A or the WS.

However, when telling family you need to realize that his their son, brother, cousin, uncle, etc. They might not appreciate what you are saying and may not react as you expect. If so, be prepared then go do what you feel you need to do. It is up to you. There is more anxiety before one tells than stress after the fact.

So no more yelling at him ok? I told my WS before that I just couldn't waste any more time on his anger. Just wasn't worth it for me. You know what his later response was? (it used to take a while for stuff to sink in his brain during the A). His response was.....don't you love me? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Go figure <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

JMHO,
L.

Hope this helps.
L.

<small>[ September 10, 2003, 10:17 PM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

T1,

How are you doing?

L.

Hi Orchid,
Did you see the moon tonight? It's spectacular! Wish I had someone to share it with.

I'm having some pretty dramatic mood swings today. I don't know why. One minute I'll feel strong and the next minute I'll feel lonely and hopeless. I think about what it will be like to come home and not have anyone there that's interested in hearing about my day. I feel lonely and he's still here.

How long does this last?

Hi T1,

Those feelings last a while....until you are ready to move forward. When your heart and mind get in sync.

Why? IMHO because his turmoil is spilling over into your life. Without your approval or request. Just dumped in your lap. Pretty rotten 'eh?

Remember what we talked about. Keep reading those books and get ahold of 'love must be tough' by Dr James Dobson. Good one for the BS dealing with an irrational WS.

Hugz,
L.

I can't handle whats happening to me. My husband filed for divorce today at lunch.

T1,

Filed for D at lunch? Did he use the express window? Ok T1, time to hanker done on your support group.

Call me. We can go out and talk if you want.

I am almost done making dinner.

L.

<small>[ September 11, 2003, 10:03 PM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

this pain is searing. I can't handle this. He's so heartless. How can I love him so much? How can I continue?

T1,

IMHO, the man you love is the not man causing your pain. He has the same name, basic look and even finger prints. But his character, inner soul, demeanor and maybe even his smell is not the same. Like an imposter, this man is attempting to make you throw your life away. Will you let him rob you of your life?

I am sorry you are going through such pain. I certainly understand and it all brings back mine way too clearly. Hearing your voice quiver tonight, made me see myself. I am sorry hon for what you are going through. I wish like a mom, I could take away your pain. Unfortunately, I can't but we here can help you cope.

U know you can all anytime. Visit your doctor ASAP and get in touch with a good IC/MC. A visit to that 'other' specialist w/b helpful.

take care and keep posting. Theraphy could include posting here. He is not worth any of your anger right now. He is not appreciative of your feelings. At least not yet.

Pray for patience, a clear mind and a calm heart. WS and OPs hate it when the BS doesn't fall apart. Most OWs especially want to control the BS. They prey on the WS and act as if they are helpless when in truth, the OW are the most cunning and evil manipulators.

Don't fall prey to their tactics. I'll bet if your H saw this, he'd be angry, shocked and probably feel hurt that he could even be described as such along with the OW being painted as a w_ _ _ h. But for now that is what they look like, so no sense trying to make him look better than he is.

If anyone had treated you so bad before, he probably would have been the first to run to your defense. The fact that your very protector has now become your worse adversary, has you in shock. Open you eyes, recognize it and take protective action. He would if he were you. I am sure he would not want to be receiving what you have been dished out.

On that thought, I will close this post.

Hugz,
L.