I don't know where to turn and I really need some advise. Maybe I am a bad wife after all...but I am still a person.

Here's a quick summary:

I've been married to a man for 3-1/2 years. In July, I found out that he was having an affair with a 17 year old. When I confronted him, he told me she was just a "friend". But the phone conversation that I heard from them says otherwise. So needless to say, I told him to get out and I wanted a divoce. Even though he said that he was not having an affair, he did not oppose to the divorce at all. He even told me that he will give me everything in the house and just take a few of his things. We had agreed on almost everything...except our 2 sons...he want custody of 1 of the boys and when I told him no, he got angry and threaten to take my oldest son (2 years old). I am now going to my lawyer about getting a temp custody order. Here is the problem. I don't believe that either one of the boys are his kids. The reason that I think it is because during the 3 years we've been married, we have NEVER use any birth control. I've had 3 one night stands during this past three years and the kids were conceived right afterwards. I know that I've cheated on him and there's not much of a difference (only my affairs were one night stands and his affairs was planning a future with another).

I don't know what to do. Should I tell him that the kids are not his and he can just go on with his life and leave us alone or should I spend all that $ to fight for custody? Please advise.

You've found this site, GREAT!!!

Read as much as you can about love banks, love busters, and infidelity.

Sounds like there's been quite a bit of dishonesty in the Marriage (who's doesn't though?)

TIme to have a heart to heart with your husband. I wouldn't spring the paternity secret just yet though. Does he know of the ONS? Does he know you know about the 17 year old? Read about love busters and have an honest conversation with him about the hurts and resentment over the years. Can't do it face to face? How about writing him a LONG letter?

I agree with StillHereMakingIt's statement that there has been plenty of dishonesty on the part of BOTH. If you are here to try to save your marriage then you need to assume responsibility for your own actions and confess to him about your 3 PA's (physical affairs) and of the possibility that the kids might not be his biologically speaking. Just like you deserved to know the truth about his affair, so does he deserve to know the truth about your past infidelities so that he can make a decision to divorce you or not. Dishonesty brought the two of you to this point and unless the two of you make the choice to get rid of it, your marriage is on death row.

As far as the custody of the children, you may be in a little bit of hot water because many States have laws in which the H is declared the father of the children born during the marriage no matter whether they are his biologically or not. If this is the case, then you could find yourself in a legal battle for custody of the kids, if your H decides to fight you on their custody. So contact a divorce lawyer to find out what your States laws say regarding your situation so that you can formulate a realistic plan of action with regards to custody.

You may also want to go to IC(individual counseling) to find out why you started having your ONS so soon after you got married. There may be personal issues beyond the marriage that were involved in your chosing to be unfaithful, and they need to be resolved or they may surface again in this relationship or a future one.

Good luck and keep us posted on your situation.

This kind of post really gets me going. How can a woman live with getting pregnant and make her husband believe that the child is his, especially multiple times as you have. You need to be honest for once in your marriage and tell your husband the truth. He may want to work on rebuilding the marriage, but for now he needs to know the truth. Having three one night stands indicates that your marriage may not be worth saving. You have put yourself and your husband at risk for possibly fatal STD's, such as HIV, and have rolled the dice on getting pregnant. Brutal honesty is what is needed right now.

nc_mom,

As another poster pointed out, most states have a "presumption of paternity" law - which presumes that the husband is the father of any child born to a married woman.

If he is listed on the birth certificate as father and has behaved toward them as if he is their father (accepted them, acknowledged them etc.), he may have parental rights even if he was told that he was not the biological father.

I'm no expert, but this is what I remember reading.

In my state, in order for the father named on the birth certificate to be removed from it and a new certificate issued (with either "father unknown" or another specific father), all parties must agree to it. If the mother wants to remove him, the "certificated" father (if he has previously accepted the child) must agree to give up his parental rights and be removed from the birth certificate. It is not enough for the mother to claim that he is not the father or even to produce a DNA test proving that he is not the biological father - she would also have to show that he did not accept the child.

All that said, I suspect that if you D, you will, as most mothers do, gain primary custody - and your H will be compelled to pay child support.

-AD

I'm going to ignore all the betrayals in this situation and stick to the custody.

If you want custody...fight for it! Bringing up who is or who is not the father will only make things more difficult. It could well leave your H's case for custody stronger not weaker.

See a lawyer and find out about your rights in your state. Do tell your lawyer ALL...he/she will advise you on what to do with the information you give him/her. I doubt seriously that they'll want to bring up any fact which may cast a bad light on your fitness as a mother.

There still is a double standard alive and well. Women who cheat and pass off another man's child as their H's are not looked on kindly. While men who cheat are often given a pass if their betrayals lead to an OC.

<small>[ September 16, 2003, 03:29 PM: Message edited by: just a wifey 2002 ]</small>

Actually, Just is right, there is a double standard.

But, not the one she speaks of and I really hate to mention it, because I hate to see this travesty perpetuated. If your H had an OC he WOULD have to pay CS. If your is NOT the father of your children he will have to pay CS. Unless the younger one is less than 2 in some states.

The good news for you is that your H is going to be completely screwed by you with regard to CS and custody of his children, no matter how much you cheated and lied to him.

If you don't tell him about the possibility that he is not the father, I feel and I hope that you get your just rewards. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Dishonesty is one thing, dishonesty about children and their heritage and screwing over some guy, even your H because you are too gutless is something that is very difficult to forgive.

I do hope you decide to at least be honest with your H. He may be screwed anyway. Actually, he very likely is with regard to the 2 year old. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

The behavior of both of you is bad, but lying about children and thair parentage is in my book reprehensible.

God Bless You, Your Children, and your H.

JL