don know how please help

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lil lees:
<strong>don know how please help</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Trust is earned not given ... I don't know your profile ... BS/WS or OP ?. Care to give a bit more background ?.

-rh-

If you are the betrayed spouse, click on the link inmy signature line.. Just know that it will take time for him to earn that trust back - months to years.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by redhat:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lil lees:
<strong>don know how please help</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Trust is earned not given ... I don't know your profile ... BS/WS or OP ?. Care to give a bit more background ?.

-rh-</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by redhat:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lil lees:
<strong>don know how please help</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Trust is earned not given ... I don't know your profile ... BS/WS or OP ?. Care to give a bit more background ?.

-rh-</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">sorry,i am a bit confused with this writing in stuff(just learning computer)however,my story is in JUST FOUND OUT .i am waiting to hear from someone for advice.if i hear forgive and move on i will puke!the pain is what i am having a problem with.he chose everyone closest to me ,which also changed my life.i feel very alone with noo one to turn too.what are some signs that he is only here for his son?he does things great one week then it slowly falls into old habits.i have all different feelings inside,but most of all i feel like a fool.too many times i brushed things off.didnt want to seem like a ball n chain and know look where i am?anyways need some input,i am lost thankyou kindly
lil lees

lil lees,

Welcome to the forum. Earning trust, overcoming the pain and rebuilding a marriage is a process....not an event. As you begin to put a recovery plan together and add the elements that re-establish trust, like accountability of time, honesty and openess, spending time together...eventually when his actions show consist care and protection....trust will slowly return. It takes a long time. It hurts for a long time....but it does ease up.

Please go out today and buy a copy of "Surviving and Affair". The process that needs to begin is explained throroughly there and more completely than I have room for in this space.

Please fill in some of the details. You say that he chose people closest to you. Does that mean there was more than one affair? The affair partner was a friend or relative? Has the affair ended? What conditions are in effect to ensure that no contact will occur in the future.

I'm sorry you are hurting so badly. Keep posting and we'll help as much as we can. I try to encourage everyone in this sitch to get real marriage counseling...this is no substitute for the real thing.

Good luck and blessings.

hello,you had asked for more details with my situation.when i said that he had chose people closest to me ,they included my 17 yro sister,my best friend in wa,my best friend in b.c.,his ex-girlfriend(that he said that i was being too parinoid bout when she would call and he would leave the room,said he needed silence so he could hear her on the phone....GOOD ONE EH?.Then ther was another girl i knew just from hello's,then there was porn's,strippers....ect.
and i could go on to words talked with them.he said that he chose them,cause they were who he was comfortable with and knew i would not find out(thats comforting)well coming from a christian home my mom always told me the holy spirit is the BIGGEST TATTLE TAIL and she was right.you see he played with my heart for 3 yrs,i would ask him if he was happy to just make sure that all was well....his reply was absolutly baby....so why does he lie?
just end it and let me go on in life.and i asked him to at least tell me that if he ever did fall,let me know before sleeping with me.i should have a choice if i want to put my life in jeaporty.i had to go to dr's and get every test know for std's.it was the scariest 2 weeks of my life...i am ok!But ,how does a man say that he was too drunk to now what he was doing(with ex)
yet when i asked him,what if you got her pregnant?he replies....don't worry i asked her first if she was on the pill!but i thought you had been too drunk?so you see i am feeling like a fool here.and to top it off my mom just passsed away last dec,i only have a 24 tr brother in this world...no one else...obviosly no best friend either.and the day he said his goodbyes to my mom as she layed in her hospital bed moments away from death,he left to get kids (staying with best friend in b.c.)and i stayed at hospital with my mom ,he went and was With my best friend.how can anyone be at a hospital in tears,everyone was in tears hearing his goodbye to my mom,,and then 30 min later is rubbing the butt of my friend?no consoling my babies that there only grandma in this world is dying(my kids were very close)one thing i am happy for is that my mom is not here to see the pain i am in ,it would have been too much for her.as a mother if this were my babies,the guy better run faster scared than i can mad!if i could turn back time one more day ,one more hour to spend holding my mom,she was only 56.so you see the pain is huge right now even 9 months later .we don't talk bout it,i just use this colum to vent and hope some great advice.we did see councellor for a bit but couldn't afford more and just like school,when you are out of it for awile you tend to forget things.that is what i am worried bout i am just exsisting right now,breath in ,breath out.my kids are my joy of my life,they are my high.well hopefully i have shared enough now that maybe it is clearer to you ,i thank you for taking the time to listen to my story.

just breathing....lil lees

(((((((((lil lees))))))))))))))

That's a big hug for you. I lost my mom at 58, ten years ago....and it still hurts. But she is in my life, and you will feel you mom in yours.

The bad news is that it sounds very much like you husband has a sexual addiction. Without help, they do not go away. Until he gets treatment, there is every reason to believe that he will continue to hurt you. I think that this relationship is not safe for you and that you are going to have seriously consider separation....and a Plan B.....to get your husband into the treatment that he needs. I am so sorry if this information hurts you, but I am honor bound to protect you with the best advice I can....and that is it. If you would like some links to sexual addiction resources, I can provide you with some.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. Keep posting.

THANK YOU FOR ANSWERING SO FAST.THIS IS ONE OF MY HIGHS IN A DAY TO SEE WHAT SOME ADVICE I CAN READ.ONE QUESTION THOUGH ...IS THIS JUST THE COUNCELLORS ANSWERING OR IS THIS PEOLE READING MY STORY AND THER ADVICE TOO?JUST WONDERING I HAVE NOT FIGURED OUT ALL THERE IS TO KNOW YET,I AM STILL LEARNING COMPUTER.ANYWAYS ,BOUT MY HUSBAND ,HE IS NOT MY HUSBAND.AND WILL NOT BE UNTIL THAT SMALL STILL VOICE INSIDE SAYS IT IS THE ONE.WE DO HAVE A SON TOGETHER AND HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR ALMOST 4 YEARS.THERE IS A AGE GAP BETWEEN US ,HE IS ONLY 25.SO MANY PEOPLE SAY THAT CAUSE OF HIS AGE,HE IS MORE PRONE TO THIS KIND OF STUFF.WELL WHERE DOES COMMON SENSE FIT IN.FROM THE COUNCELLING THAT WE HAVE RECIEVED WITHIN OUR FIRST MONTHS OFFINDING OUT,THEY HAD TOLD US BOTH THAT HE)HAS A SEXUAL ADDICTION PROBLEM.YET I COULD NEVER FIGURE IT OUT ,WOULD HE NOT BE TRYING TO GET SO MUCH FROM ME?ITS LIKE HE GETS A RUSH FROM GETTING THINGS HE CAN'T HAVE.I KNOW WORD FOR WORD WHAT HE SAID TO EACH GIRL,AND IT IS ALOT OF HE CAN SHOW THEM THINGS.....COUGH ..COUGH..I CALL HIM THE 2 MIN MAN.OK THAT WAS A BIT ON THE BITTER SIDE.HE ALSO SAID TO MY FRIEND THAT IF HE DOESN'T ORGASM IT IS NOT CALLED CHEATING.(WHAT?)HE SAID THAT HE COULDN'T STAND MY FRIEND ,AND THAT HE TRIED TO GET HER TO SEE IF SHE WAS REALLY MY FRIEND,SO THAT IF I KNEW SHE FELL INTO HIS TRAP I WOULD GET RID IF HER.COME TO THINK OF IT ,HE COULDN'T STAND ANY OF THEM.SO WHAT AM I DEALING WITH HERE?PETER PAN SYNDROME?WHAT KIND OF HELP DOES HE NEED?EVERYBODY LOVES HIM,THEY CANNOT BELIEVE HE WAS CAPABLE OF DOING THIS TO HIS FAMILY.MY BIGGEST THING IS HE DOESN'T WANT TO TALK BOUT IT .HE SAYS IT IS OLD,FOGIVE AND FORGET.HE SAYS THAT HE HAS NOT GIVIN ANY REASON IN THE LAST 9 MONTHS TO NOT TRUST HIM..YA BUT HE IS WITH ME ALLDAY FOR THE PAST 3 MONTHS .IT IS A LONGER STORY THER BUT QUICKLY WE JUST MOVED 1000 MILES AWAY SO I COULD BUY RENT TO OWN HOUSE AND THE WOMEN WON'T GET THE HOUSE APPRAISED...I TRUSTED HER SILLY ME!(OLD FRIEND)SO NOW I AM OUT HERE IN NOWHERE AND HAVE TO MOVE AT THE END OF THE MONTH.WOW I CAN'T EVEN GO THER RIGHT NOW,I JUST WANT TO KICK MYSELF.MY KIDS IS WHAT I AM WORRIED BOUT .I LEFT TO MAKE A FUTURE FOR US AND NOW LOOK WHAT I HAVE DONE.ANYWAYS SO HE IS WITH ME GETTING ME SITUATED IN NEW HOME...NOW TO GET ME OUT.SO WITH HIM HERE I SEE HIS EVERY MOVE.YET HE COVERS THINGS WELL.BUT I AM TIRED OF TRYING TO SEE IF HE WOULD DO SOMETHING WRONG.GOD GAVE ME EYES TO VIEW THE BEAUTY IN LIFE NOT TO FIND THE WRONGS IN PEOPLE.YET I AM AFRAID!IT IS MY HEART AND MY KIDS THAT ARE ON THE LINE.THEY ARE AWSOME AND DESERVE A GREAT DAD.HOW LONG CAN YOU BRING UP THE PAIN WITH THEM?IT IS NOT THAT I HAVE TO TALK ALL THE TIME....I DON'T HAV ETIME ,I HAVE 4 KIDS...LOL. BUT SOMETIMES I NEED TO TALK BOUT IT .HE LIKES TO PLAY POOL ONLINE AND HE CHOOSES WOMEN MORE THAN MEN,I TOLD HIM DON'T YOU THINK AFTER ALL THAT YOU HAVE DONE IT WOULD BE SMARTER TO PICK MEN FOR A LIL WHILE.HE SAYS THAT IS STUPID,IT IS NOT LIKE HE CAN HAVE SEX OVER THE PUTER OR IT CAN GO ANYWHERE.WELL I DON'T KNOW WHAT BUSH HE WAS BORN UNDER BUT I RECON YOU CAN.ANYWAYS TONIGHT I AM VERY UPSET WITH HIM I THINK YOU CAN TELL,HE IS STARTING TO TALK TO ME LIKE I AM ONE OF THE GUYS.FROM DOING EVERYTHING AT FIRST SO HE WOULDN'T LOSE HIS FAMILY,,TO JUST BEING LAZY.DOEN'T HELP WITH KIDS VERY MUCH.WATCHES TV PLAYS POOL.I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS BATTLE AND TOLD HIM THAT IF HE THOUGHT HE COULDN'T ENDOUR THE FIGHT TO KEEP US THEN TO REMOVE HIS BOOTS.I WAS JUST THINKING,...WHEN I FIRST STARTED DATING HIM ,I ASKED IF HE HAD EVER CHEATED ON HIS EX?Y AND N HE SAID,I GUESS THEY BROKE UP FOR 2 WEEKS AND HE TOOK SOMEONE HOME,STARTED BUT COULDN'T FINISH,TOOK THE GIRL HOME AND WENT TO HIS EX AND CRIED SO SORRY,SHE TOLD ME THAT SHE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT THE BIG DEAL WAS CAUSE THEY HAD BROKEN UP.HE SAID THAT HE NEVER LOVED HER,AND THAT HE HAD ASKED HER TO MARRY DUE TO A NEAR DEATH ACCIDENT AND HE DIDN'T WANT TO HAVE NOBODY IN LIFE.NOW I GIVE HIM A SON,(THE CUTEST I MUST ADD)AND HE DOES THIS,YET IS ALWAYS ASKING ME TO MARRY.HE SAID THAT WHEN I WAS NOT ROUND HE DID THIS STUFF..AS HE SAYS OUT OF SIGHT OUT OF MIND.YET HE HAD DONE SEVERAL THINGS WITH MY SISTER WHEN I WAS WALKING IN FRONT OF HIS STUPID BUTT.OH I AM SO SICK TO MY STOMACH.WHAT HAVE I GOT MY FAMILY INTO?I DON'T THINK THIS IS JUST AN ADDICTION,I THINK HE JUST DOESN'T LOVE ME.WHAT IS YOUR OPINION?I COULDN'T SLEEP KNOWING I DID THIS..I WOULD NEVER DO IT TO BEGIN WITH.I MEAN HOW CAN HE STOP IN THE MIDDLE OF DOING IT FEELING GUILT FOR HIS EX THAT HE DOESN'T LOVE AND NOT STOP WITH MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS?HE CALLED MY SISTER YOUNG MEAT AND THOUGHT IT WAS COOL CAUSE ALL THE GUYS THOUGHT MY SIS WAS HOT AND SHE LIKED MY MAN.WHICH I FOUND OUT IN LETTERS TO HER FRIEND(LAYING ON MY BED SHE FORGOT TO HIDE)SO I CONFRONTED HIM HE SAID THAT IS SICK SHE IS ONLY 17.WHATEVER!MY DAD WANTED TO PRESS CHARGES.AND THAT IS WHY I THINK HE IS HERE .HE IS SO AFRAID THAT HE WON'T SEE HIS SON.I THINK HE WILL HOLD OUT FOR 5 YRS JUST SO WE CAN'T PRESS CHARGES ANY LONGER.(HEARD U HAVE 5 YRS,DON'T KNOW IF TRUE)I JUST MET MY DAD WHICH YOU HAVE ALREADY READ IN MY OTHER LETTERS.
ANYWAYS I COULD GO ON AND ON BUT THIS LETTER IS LONG ENOUGH.THANK YOU AGAIN FOR TAKING THE TIME .PLEASE LET ME KNOW WHAT HE IS TO DO FOR THIS ADDICTION...HE WENT TO 4 MEETINGS IN A GROUP CALLED PURE DESIRE..HAVE YOU HEARD OF THEM?IT IS A 26 WEEK COURSE BUT THINKS HE HAS IT UNDER CONTROL...CONTROL TO ME IS KEEPING YOU PANTS UP.I AM NOT AFRAID OF BEING ALONE,AT LEAST I DON'T THINK SO.I DON'T HAVE MUCH SELF-ESTEEM THOUGH.I USE TO MODEL AND ALWAYS GET COMPLIMENTS FROM PEOPLE.BUT THAT MEANS NOTHING IT HAS TO COME FROM WITHIN MYSELF.HOW DO I GET IT.?IS IT NOT WHAT SPOUSE DO TO OUR SELF ESTEEM WHEN THEY DO THINGS LIKE THIS?HOW DO YOU FIND A MAN WHOM WILL LOVE YOU UNCONDITIONALLY?IF IT IS A 1800# TO FIND ONE ,CAN I PLEASE HAVE IT ...LOL.OK I WILL GO NOW THANK YOU VERY MUCH


CONFUSED,LOST,EMPTY,HURTING,AND SUCKED INTO HIS LIES TOO MANY TIMES LIL LEES [/LIST]

lil lees,

Do me a little favor, writing in all caps...with no breaks like paragraphs, makes the post incredibly difficult to read....so if you could keep that in mind for next time it would be great. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> IS THIS JUST THE COUNCELLORS ANSWERING OR IS THIS PEOLE READING MY STORY AND THER ADVICE TOO? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">With the exception of cerri....there are no counselors here....only regular people like myself who have worked through many of these issues and will read and try to help if we can.

This is not a substitute for real counseling.

lees, I think you need to think long and hard before marrying a man with a sexual addiction who has no gone through treatement....in fact, I think you should think hard about even dating him!

What do you want to do?

Hi Starfish, thank you for answering my letter.Sorry that my last letter was so difficult to read.You asked me what i wanted to do?Well ,I wish i could tell you.I feel like a fool,yet on the other hand I do love him.I want to know how to know if your man is going to change.How do you look for things?How do you tell if they are sincere?We have no communication at all,which will end the relationship if no change.One big question I have is How do you talk bout the pain without bringing up the past?Things that happen in everyday life can give you the similar feeling I had prior to finding out,...so how do I share with him issues that are painful without bringing up the past?He says I just want to fight when I do try and talk to him.Yet,he has no comforting words.Everything is fixed with sex to him.I think sex is the last thing he should be concerned bout.I was reading in another letter that one of you said that after an affair,6 months of no sex is good,till trust has been brought back.Yet, the women asked "but ,will he stray?My question is the same.Another thing star,he says that I have to forgive or it won't work.To me because I am still here is my first part in forgiving,but what is he to do?.....prove?....How?.....
What can I expect in him?
thank you lil lees

lil lees,

Forgiveness is a process. He has to do his part and you have to do yours. His part requires that he do somethings FIRST so that you can have the closure to be able to put things behind you.

Some people need information....I did. My H had to be willing to answer all of my questiosn (and I had to provide a safe environment for him to do that by not Love Busting when he did.

Remorse....the wayward has to be able to show that he is truly sorry for hurting you and that he understands what a dispicable thing he has done to you and how devasting it was for you.

Then he has to have a plan to prevent from doing it again....to protect you. For you, I would imagine it would include addressing his sexual addiction either through counseling or a 12 step program. Also he would need to be able to outline for you what steps he would take...a plan....to avoid temptation in the future. He may need an accountability partner.

He would need to be willing to be accountable for his time and his finances. That would mean that you have a schedule of his day, he communicates with you regularly, he's honest about what he does and what he spends.

If he can consistently do these things.....trust and forgiveness will occur...without them they don't. How can you tell if he is sincere. You can tell if he is willing to do the above things. If he isn't.....run for you life!

hello star,
I just read your letter and went to check out love bursts.I have a hard time with angry outbursts with him.And as for annoying habits,I smoke so he says that i am breaking that part of it cause he hates it so much(yet he was a smoker up till 8 moonths ago.I would love to read these books, I will look in the library here.I live in a very small town,not much to choose from.
howevr,i needed him too answer questions as well,
yet when i would ask some back,his reply is i told you ...end of it.He doesn't have answers to why's ....he said he didn't know.Like when i asked him why he did not stop like he did with ex?
He gets very frustrated with me.He says that i make him relive it and he wants to forget bout it.He has made several promises since this finding out and has failed all but one.
I have made him one promise and have failed that too.He says that he uses that against me in defence.
It all looks like a tit for tat to me.
he watches me type sometimes,no time alone.
he gets angry with what i write,saying when does he get to talk to you ? He just seems to be putting so much effort into trying to defend himself,than trying to see betweeen the lines of why i am writing to you.To me he has no defence.When I read some of these letters and see that some are blaming themselves,it angers me.We had a great relationship prior to this all(i thought we did)We never fought ,sayed things mean.He only had 1 problem....we could not live togethr yet.Long story ,he is american,me canadian.Anyways,he has done some councelling,but said that he is a new man.Just a few classes doesn't fix things.Don't you think I would see change in his patience with me if he truelly understood?

lil lees

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Don't you think I would see change in his patience with me if he truelly understood?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes I do. But what are you willing to risk to exact change? Are you willing to defend you boundaries? Go to Plan B? If you can't find the books.....let me know. You know if you call Dr. Harley's radio show....he'll send you books? LOL!

Hello Star,

Well, I have thought alot today ,and you are right!I need complete seperation from him.I am not happy,I could spend months writing you ,telling his every move.However,it won't get me anywhere to just vent.An action has to take place.I feel like screaming so loud to him so I can be heard.I have to me ther for my kids and this is robbing me of the joys kids bring.I cannot change him,I wouldn't want too.He has to see for himself where he has to.I rack him up as a PIG.My hurt is too deep right now so it is best that I let him go.I did check out the library...no luck on anything in this area.But I am tired of being the one whom is looking for help.I will continue to search for myself,but to heal me.It is too much work to try and heal and look for positive changes in him.There has to be willingness on his part too.I see nothing...except he is going to church more regular.That alone doesn't make you a christian,nor going to McDonald's makes you a hambarger.I have had my fill today,After him sleeping most of the day ,since he doesn't want to talk ,then getting up to play pool with of course woman and striking up conversation with them.I told him that I felt shut out when he does,'t want to talk to me yet,will talk to stranger and make jokes.He told me to grow up!I am done Star,I can not take no more.I will be moving at the end of the month,at that point I am telling him to go his own way.I thank you for all your help ,this has been a true blessing.I am not good at keeping things bottled up.I will still reply to this if need be until I move ,then when I am settled,I will send a how I am coping letter.I am a bit afraid,with no one out in life to help me when I fall.But ,it is funny how just when you think you haven't got anything more,your survival mechinism kicks in.I know I will be fine,I have to be for my kiddies.I refuse to let them down.

As I continue my journey I will always trust that when God closes a door ,He always opens a window. lilLees