Hi folks, I guess I have to start by going through my tale of woe. I have been suspicious of my wife's behavior with a married friend whom she knew before we ever met. I have been suspicious for six years, but felt unable to act due to a greater problem. You see our son got involved with drugs when he was 13 and if you have been through that experience you know the hell that it is. My wife and I spent seven years doing what we can to help him. About six months ago, after his second time in in-house treatment he turned the corner. I can't tell you how happy I am about that. He got his GRD (alternative HS graducation), got a job, and most of all gave up the drugs.

I now believe that it was during those seven years that my wife turned to this friend. Life at home was a living hell due to our son's addiction. However, when she visited this man she was basically on vacation. All of the family problems, plus the usual obligations and chores of running a home were lifted and they could concentrate on each other. Keep in mind that due to my son's addiction, we rarely were able to get away together. A responsible adult always had to be home to guard the fort. Many sacrifices were made by both of us.

Now I realize I am not perfect, I have a temper (which I now control much better than when we were first married), I can be forgetful, unthoughful, and sometimes say things that are mean spirited. However, in the years we have been married we always worked out any problems, wrongs, and disagreements (except this one). We have NEVER gone to bed angry with each other. Despite my imperfections I DON'T DESERVE THIS. I am imperfect, not evil. And I have always spoken and demonstrated my love for my wife in many ways. Even during the darkest depths of our son's addiction I put effort into our relationship, though not as much as I would have liked. The same is true for her. Both of us found our efforts limited due to the energy drained from us in handling the addict in our home.

My wife's friend lives out of state and she took advantage of business trips to see him. However, since our son's recovery, things have gotten worse. A few months ago I found an old letter when I moved our bed to clean under it. The letter confirmed what I long suspect and been in denial about. She is having an affair with this friend. According to the letter she is only fully alive when she is with him. WHAT AM I, CHOPPED LIVER???

This past summer he made business trips to our city. Both times, my wife spent most of the weekend he was in town with him. Now she has told me that later this month she is going to travel to his town and see him. She will be with him the entire weekend. There is no business trip. This is a personal trip. Note: I have no idea what his wife will be doing that weekend or what she thinks of this.

Right know she has the best of both worlds, a good, loving, attentive and loyal husband, finally a peaceful homelife, and we are able to plan trips and outings together due to our son's recover. And, she also has her lover.

I can't accept this situation. I told her that this trip hurts me deeply. She said she was sorry. That's it. The trip is still on.

Sorry I took so long. I had to get this out.

Welcome to the forum auto <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Sorry to meet you this way. I hope you have read most of the things on the site....if not....start there. Pay particular attention to the descriptions of Plan A and B. Buy a copy of "Surviving an Affair", it will your bible and give you direction and insight. You are going to begin by doing an excellent Plan A (the most sucessful strategy for ending an affair). I'm going to give you cerri's guidelines (our resident coach on JFO)

Plan A consists of stopping ALL love busters...all! You can discuss how you feel, but without disrespectful judgements, angry outbursts etc. (read up on Love Busters). You will fill the needs your wife will allow you to...which may not be too many. For now....during this strategy...do not expect her to do the same. Do expect her to lie, say awful things to you. Tell you she doesn't love you, that he is her soul mate...etc. etc. It means nothing while she is still infatuated with this guy.

You're right you don't deserve this. You are partially responsible for the state of the marriage....but she is 100% reponsible for the affair.

Have you confronted your wife about what you know? The next step will be to call his wife. Can you do that? Exposing the affair is where most people lose their courage....and it is ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL. It should be done as soon as possible. Expect her to react violently to the fact that you do it. That fades quickly when light shines on the ugliness of this act. Do it for the right reason....not revenge...but an effort to end the affair and recover your marriage. Here are the guidelines:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Plan A as Harley meant it to be...

Plan A is not (repeat NOT) about making the WS happy, or feeling good.

Plan A is NOT, contrary to popular (and very incorrect opinion), about "making yourself a better person," or "working on yourself."

Plan A is ALL ABOUT the straying spouse. In Willard Harely's ever brilliant words, Plan A is a stategy to end the affair and to entice the straying spouse to reconsider the marriage.

So, it has several elements that should be done at the same time.

First is to eliminate LBers and to meet needs as best you can... recognizing that the unfaithful mate may not allow the betrayed partner to meet needs.

Second is to CONFRONT the unfaithful partner with what you know. Doing so (of course) in a way that is respectful and about you... how you feel, how you are affected by the affair.

Third is to expose the affair to the scrutiny of the world. The lover's spouse or s/o, coworkers, family, friends, church family, children, etc.

ALL OF THAT is Plan A. And it should be done as much as possible simultaneously. (If you don't believe me call the radio show Mondays and Thursdays at 1pm Central Time and ask Dr. Harley for yourself.)

Plan A must have a deadline. It's called Plan "A" because there is a second step... aptly named Plan "B." Willard Harley suggests a max of 6 months for men and 3 months for women before going to the next step. If Plan A hasn't worked in that time, it's not going to.

(I challenge you to find anyone who has done Plan A longer than that and been successful. I define successful as the A ending, n/c promised and verified, and the couple working a good recovery plan which includes meeting needs, eliminating LBers, getting in 15 hours a week of UAT, and most importantly following POJA.)
--

--
Plan A is not about being a nice guy. Plan A is about ending the affair.... being a nice guy is part of that, but only part. That's why confronting and exposing are crucial elements of Plan A... and if you're not doing those things then you can't really say that you're doing Plan A.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Hi Auto,
Your post captured me as I have had to put 3 kids through rehab because of drugs (all clean and sober now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )but I remember the sheer hell of living with kids that are addicted.

And, my partner..like yours had an A while it was all going on. I can relate to the "so glad you were able to have a vacation <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> " thinking. We've been recovered over 3 years now, and I can reassure you that many of those feelings fade.

I'm unclear about something you posted. Have you confronted your wife with your discovery of the letter?

Whether you have or have not doesn't change where you should be right now...firmly in plan A. If you haven't read the "Surviving An Affair" book yet, you can always read about this on the site. Starfish gives some excellent advice.

Hang in there,
T

Send his wife a copy of the letter you found. And read up on Plan A, as the other posters hae suggested. There are some relevant links in the link in my signature line that will elaborate on what Star has said.

<small>[ October 05, 2003, 01:33 PM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

Twyla, I have not confronted her yet. There are two reasons for that. Well, actually three. One is that I love her and don't like the idea of a confrontation. Two is that I am not very prepared, so I must read and study what to do and how to do it so that I don't make things worse. Three is that I hate the idea of going through the confrontation and all of the grief that it will probably cause. Yes, I know that it must be done. I just have to take a bit of time, study and lean, and dial up my courage. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Right now I have the same awful feeling in my gut I had when our son was using drugs and basically laughed at us and told us where to go. At least that experience strenghened me. I hope so at least. This one is going to be a lot harder.

<small>[ October 05, 2003, 05:19 PM: Message edited by: auto009988 ]</small>

auto,
to not confront her is to inable her to continue down her path of disrespect and general disregard. tell her you know and ask her what she intends to do about it. then you should be sure to inform the W of the OM. she also has a right to know. DO IT! DON'T EQUIVACATE... JUST DO IT!

look, nothing meaningfull can be accomplished untill she understandss that her little love affair is out in the open. if it were me i would tell everybody that i know....and that she knows! family, friends, people that they both work with, everybody. and yes! she will be angry and guess what? that's just to bad.

look, she is in a place right now that just doesn't work for you or her family...and if that's where she intends to stay then OK...but guess what? that doesn't entitle her to remain your wife! right now she is having it all...she has you and her family and the enjoyment of having her lover whenever available. and well guess what...shine a little light on what's going on and then see how romatic her cheating life style is to her.

by the way...do not approch her with anger or complaint. simply tell her that you know what's going on and ask her what she intends to do about it. be civil, be kind and don't lose your temper.

if it were me i would see a therapist and lawyer both. not to begin a divorce but to know your rights and to get a professionals opinion on how to handle this mess.

ignore the situation if you want to and if you can go throught life sharing your wife with the OM, other wise you need to take action.

coach

The interesting thing about this situation is that except for the OM, our marriage is very good. I think I can honestly say that most people not knowing about the OM, would view our mariage as a great example of what marriage can and should be. She is kind and considerate to me at home, helpful, understanding, etc... Except, of course, for carrying on with the OM.

I think she may be a cake eater. What is the defination of one?

It is used to describe someone who wants their cake and to eat it too. In affairs, using Harley terminology, they are getting some emotional needs met by their spouse, and some by the OP. Pretty much any WS that continues to say anything like "we have a good marriage" falls into this category, as do most others, especially those that carry on long-term affairs. (I understand that you, as the BS, were saying that above, so this is not in reference to your comment.)

Since you have admitted to an anger problem, please read up on "Love Busters" on this site. You can also order the book. "If Only He Knew", by Smalley may also help you understand how that anger has damaged your marriage. Your wife may not think it is so good.

Thanks for the advice. I am going to spend a day or two or three reading and reflecting on the current situation. Be back in a few days. Thanks again.

I am finishing my breakfast, alone. My wife is out of town on her trip to see the OM. This morning I plan to call her at the hotel she is supposed to be at and tell her how I feel. That's it. I simply want her to know that I am deeply hurt and that this weekend is one big emotional downer for me. I will simply state the facts and not blame her.

I wish you luck. It is about time that you inform your wife of what she is doing to you and your marriage. You need to be proactive and stop being in denial. The bottom line is that your wife will never respect you until you respect yourself. Knowing and allowing your wife to have sex with another man and not saying anything to her gives the clear message that you are acceping of this betrayal. Your wife is lying to you and away for a weekend to have sex with her lover. If you do not stand up and confront this then who will? Are you seriously willing to have a life where you allow your wife to have sex with another man behind your back and lie to you for fear of a confrontation? Enough is enough. If the roles were reversed do you think your wife would have been so accepting as you? I wish you luck and it is good that you are finally going to express youself to your wife. Once the affair is exposed to the light of day it may begin to fade. Good luck.

I called her and told her the simple truth that I am hurting because she has left me for the weekend to visit OM. She told me she was sorry (about my hurting, that is) and could tell from my voice that I am hurt. She also told me to do something fun this weekend. (Yeah, right.) She told me she loves me. I told her I love her.

Rather than act out a love buster, I politely made my goodby and hung up the phone. I actually feel somewhat better, though certainly not good.

Bryanp, Six years ago I probably would have acted sooner, however, six years of dealing with a teenage addict has not only drained my energy, but taught me well how to supress the emotional pain. (Maybe I should get a roll in the next Star Trek movie as a Vulcan!) However, I now am feeling the same about my wife's EA/PA as I am about the addiction. I have a pain in my gut and my instincts are screaming that something is not right, that things do not make sense. One of the few benefits of my son's addiction is that it taught me to trust my instincts.

<small>[ October 11, 2003, 10:46 AM: Message edited by: auto009988 ]</small>

You are right that you need to study how to approach your WW without making the situation worse, so follow Star*fish's advice (also read Dave Carder's 'Torn Asunder' and Michelle Weiner Davis's 'Divorce Remedy') ASAP.

You have two enemies at the present moment: Her affair and your fear of ending your marriage. You can't stop her from continuing her affair with the OM (although you can out them so that everybody knows aobut it) BUT you can stop your fear by making accepting and making peace with the possibility that your marriage may not survive her affair and not getting your hopes up by relying on her words alone (the old saying 'actions speak louder than words' very much applies here). This is called Emotional Detachment(ED) and it will get you off the emotional rollercoaster by giving you control of your negative emotions like fear, anger and despair which can sabotage all of your well thought out and hard earned efforts to save and rebuild your marriage. ED will make it possible for you to exercise the patience and perseverance that are necessary elements to save your marriage. What you are actually detaching from is fear, anger and despair NOT love.

When you finally do decide to confront her, calmly and respectfully ask her how is your son going to react when he finds out that his mother is having an affair? Afterall, if the affair destroys the marriage, then the truth will finally come out for all to see, including your son.

What?
You tell her that you know that she left you this weekend to be with her lover and she tells you that she loves you and you should do something fun for yourself this weekend? Unbelievable. You would have thought that she would have started crying and showing remorse and immediately come home to confront the issue. Telling you to go and do something fun for the weekend while she knows you know that she is spending the nights with the OM absolutely blows me away. I am unable to understand her response to you. How amazingly disrespectful to you.
I think you have some long and hard thinking to do this weekend. There is an old saying no consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. You simply cannot allow her to be a cakewoman to you. By the way, you should not be intimate without her being checked first after she returns. I am really sorry for your pain but you have taken the first step. She will have to make a choice because it is unfair to you to be in a marriage to you and keeping her lover on the side. I wish you luck my friend.

Hi,

In addition to the support you have received, go find a good MC. You need to NOT suppress your feelings. It is not healthy for you and allows your W to continue her disrespectful and outright cruel treatment of you, your M and your family.

As for her wishing you to have fun, this is a cloak WS form of babble to help her feel less guilty of her actions. She is on a roll and will not stop even if it ends her M, not right now.

However, you should not be manipulated to enable the A. When she returns, how is she going to feel the results of her actions? What real loving thing should you and the children do?

Welcome her back? No. Kick her out? Hm.... These are opposite reactions. You may come up with something better.

Also, don't listen to her woe is me stories if you and your family take action. Work as a family unit and she will have a harder time attacking you personally. She may say you are turning the children against her. Tell her you are protecting the family from this 'the stranger from within'.

Many of us have noticed very inhumane attitudes whem one has transformed into a WS. BEAWARE and becareful.

take care,
L.

I am pretty much decided that I am not going to kick her out or leave myself. However, I am not sure of physical intimacy for both emotional and health reasons. What a drag! I will NOT suppress my feeling anymore. And I will tell her I want to start a POJA so as to strenghen our marriage. It just makes sense.

I am curious if this is common with women who have affairs. That is, do they want to keep a loving, secure and wonderful homelife while they have a lover on the side?

The whole thing is bizzar to me.

I can't really tell from your posts if you have been direct with her. Have you come out with the word "affair"? Have you shown any emotion or anger to her?

Does she have the belief that she's still putting one over on you as far as this "friendship" goes??

It strikes me that you've been pussyfooting around this and not coming out and revealing what you know or accusing her.

I get the impression that she set up this trip to go visit her "friend", and you accepted it without any outbursts. So she thinks you're OK with this friendship.

I hope you've done the reading here that you need to do -- because this is going to continue if you don't start implementing a plan. Confront, Expose, and Plan A. Get yourself ready, and have a deadline. This affair needs to end -- the sooner the better.

Lexxxy, you have nailed it.

I have been pussyfooting around the affair for far to long. I do not regret focusing on my son's addiction and ignoring my Wife's behavior. I did not need another battle to fight. We fought his addiction together (Thank God for that!). Had we become distracted by this affair our son might be dead. Some may view this as an excuse or rationalzation for doing nothing. But, my son is alive today and sober. I was not willing to bet his life.

Nevertheless, you are correct. The reason for avoiding conflict no longer exists. This weekend has been sad and hurful as my wife spends it with the OM. But, it has also given me the time to focus on the issue, study a lot (this site and many hours at the library researching material on infidelity) and taking a few walks to let everything process.

Thanks for the advice and good thoughts.

<small>[ October 11, 2003, 08:22 PM: Message edited by: auto009988 ]</small>

Many people, both men and women, like to have a lover and a spouse who fill different needs. Around here it is referred to as "cake-eating" as in "have your cake and eat it, too." Also known as fence-sitting.

I have done enough thinking for one day. Right now I am just plain angry. I want so much to be wrong, but my instincts can't be that wrong. I think I will have a glass of wine, read an entertaining book and get some sleep.

Adios.