Hey Everyone,<P>Home for a minute, thought I'd tell you what's going on.<P>The main reason I was so down last night was Robin caught me doing something underhanded.<P>She paints for a friend of ours, on the weekends. This is where she met LRB.<BR>Felling a little desperste I called our friend and aked him if he would not let Robin paint.<P>My reasons were two fold. One out of respect for my D &I, two to keep her away from the construction painting alcoholics and there disease. She got sucked into thiere fantacy world last summer, and thats what led to her EMA.<P>My friend says ok he'd do that for me. He is also a recovering drug addict, thats how Robin and I know him. Well he decided to let her work and told her I called and asked him not to let her. Great!!!<P>Last night when I talked to her she confronted me on this. I told her I did it and why. She said that I had a lot of nerve, and what about boundries. I said you don't care about any, her reply was , we're separated. I cannot tell you how that hurt. Then she goes on to compare me to her wife beating ex-H and how he tried to get her back.<P><B>WHERE IS THE WOMAN I MARRIED, AND WHEN IS SHE COMING BACK!!!</B><P>At this point I saw red lights flashing in my head and stppoed that part of the conversation.<P>Then she tells me how much it's tearing her up that she is hurting me so badly. I said thats nice to know when I am dieing inside.<BR>She said I'm sorry.Once again I saw red lights flashing in my head and stppoed that part of the conversation. I said this is real hard and I'm trying not to talk to you about LRB. She asked if I wanted to talk about something else. I said I'd like to talk to you for several hours, but I can't I don't have anything to talk about right now.<P>She told me of the arrangements for tonoight and we hung up on a good note.<P><B>WHERE IS THE WOMAN I MARRIED, AND WHEN IS SHE COMING BACK!!!</B><P>This is what I've been thinking about all day. It is real hard not to cuss her out. That would only run her off. Yet she stillsees LRB.<P>I want to know what happened to the time away from both of us so I can think.<P>Who does she think she's kidding!!!<P>Things were going pretty well and I had to muck it up.<P>Hopefully now that I've shared this I can put the bat down. And get back to my plan. <P>Be her friend. Eat the pain and anger when I'm around her. Play this conveluted game better than her, so she can pull her head out of you know where.<P>I know the real Robin is in there and wants to come out, but the evil Robin won't let her.<P>Patience! Patience! Patience!<P>Time! Time! Time!<P>Two of the hardest things to come by.<P>I WILL NOT GIVE UP ON HER!!!<P>Thanks,<P>Bill<BR>P.S.<BR>I had to ask God to forgive me for trying to do His job for Him.<P><BR>"commit to the Lord what ever you do, and your plans will succeed" Proverbs16:3<P><P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Bill,<BR>This is one of those things you must trust the Lord on. Everytime I tried to manage things they blew up in my face too!<P>You did well not to continue lovebusting by yelling at her. I was unable to do that.<P>Go back to your plan and turn everything over to the Lord. Don't try to handle by yourself!<P>Do you think your w may be on drugs ? I'm like you in that I can't see why she wants this kind of life.<P>Take care and God Bless!<P>Bob

Bill,<P>You sneaky son of a gun. This is something that I would have tried. Repeat would have. It always blows up in your face. Don't use underhanded methods to win Robin back. It doesn't work. Provide a safe and comfortable place to be. You will get further with this way. <P>I certainly can see where you are coming from though. I would have done almost anything to get Val back. I could have gotten her back but not for the reasons that she should be back. I'm not done yet!<P>Looks like your aren't either.<P> <P>------------------<BR>"It's not over till we say it's over! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? H*ll no!" Blutto...Animal House 1984<P>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Medic<P>

Bill,<BR>I thought about trying to get both om and my ew to be fired. I even called their place of work and talked to the HR mgr. Unfortunetly, adultery wasn't against company policy.<P>I'm still tempted to write head of hospital about the affair as I heard thru the grapevine that om is thinking of applying for a mangement position.<P>Bob<P>------------------<BR>"You can't always get what you want! But if you try real hard,you might just find, you get what you need!"<BR>Mick Jagger<BR>

Wil,<P>I can't tell you how many times I fell off that wagon, don't beat yourself up. You ended on a good note right? Well she must not have been to mad about it.<P>I think you should consider setting a deadline on your part a thing. If she comes around by then, then you won't need it. But if she doesn't... you might.<P>Here is the reasoning behind my madness.<BR>You have made it very clear that you love her and want her back, and she KNOWS this!!!<BR>You are providing a certain amount of safety net in this approach. Letting her eat her cake and have it too. But at the same time this is necessary in order to deposit enough love units so she will know what and who you are and want to be.<P>But there does come a time when you have to cut the strings to that safety net. When you do, if you have done plan A well, then she will withdrawl from YOU!!!! She can't do this very well right now b/c she still has you when she needs you, and with that she isn't missing much.<P>I know that this is not her intention, its part of the sickness that she is facing. Your W is alot like my H was. His OW was 12 yrs. younger than him. This age difference will definately have its affect. This will not last I promise you that!!!!!!!!<P>The question is will she look at you as an attractive alternative, and will she feel she can come back?<P>The friend thing was not good, don't trust anyone!!!!! In situations like these you often find that the ones you thought were your friends & on your side, aren't necessarily.<P>Don't even think about the cutting the strings thing yet, its not time... just enjoy the holidays. Will try not to tell her...<P>1. that you love her<BR>2. that you could talk to her for hrs.<BR>3. how much you miss her<P>Even though they are true, that is not benefitial to your goal. She must feel as though you are slipping away, not that you are so desperately in love with her that you'll aways be there. She must see you happy and it must seem as if to a certain degree that you are getting out and having fun w/out her. So she will wonder about you some and ask herself what she is missing.<P>{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}<P>Genie

Obviously this "friend" is no such to either you or your wife. Otherwise he would have understood what it was both of you were going through and would have respected your wishes...<P>It's one of the dilemas people in trouble most often face. Who can I trust? Who can I lean on? Be careful of those whom you confide in and who you ask to support you - there's a lot of untrustworthy snakes and spineless worms out there!<P>I hope it all smoothes out soon. Hopefully your wife will understand you only had her best interests at heart...<P>------------------<BR>~~ Elixir ~~<P>

Bill, I know exactly what you're going through. Believe me, I have spent hours dreaming up some pretty insidious plans, not to mention thoughts about lodging an out & out charge of fraternization which would jeopardize two careers, & retirement benefits! Oh, it is so very tempting!! <P>But, I haven't, & I can't really tell you why. Other than, I guess I truly believe in the karma thing. So far, I have seen some payback-- H had to spent four days in the apartment without heat or hot water because he didn't get the utilities turned on in time. His new job has him working nights, & he is NOT a night person. The last time I spoke with him, he didn't sound happy, at all. OW has melanoma, & she has had repeated reoccurances since the affair began. What goes around comes around. And, often with a vengeance.<P>Now, don't get me wrong. I am not wishing ill will on anyone. But, I just believe that everything has a way of evening itself out. If you keep throwing crap out into the universe, it WILL come back and get you.<P>So, I don't think anything we do will ever be as bad as what they already have heading their way at warp speed.<P>Just wait and see....

Hey WilliamJ,<P>I have so many bruises from falling off that damn wagon !!!!<P>I try so hard not to LB, I'm not even supposed to be talking with him, but he won't call when he says he will, and I manage to answer the ph. !!!<P>This would have to be the most stressful period of the year for all of us here - Christmas - such a time of joy, love, giving and friendship, but we have none of that with the people we love and care about the most. Our spouses.<P>But, we will all overcome this, in our own ways.<P>As you may or may not know, all feelings for my H just went, just got up and left. I felt nothing, not anger, nor hate, nor love, or like or friendship. Just nothing.<P>But, in the last two days, I have missed him so much, and want to start trying to deposit those love units again. I think I must still love him. I doubted that for such a long time.<P>That just may be the way God is working with me. He is showing me my feelings, and guiding me with my heart.<P>However, back to you - so what you fell off the wagon. Pick yourself up, pat yourself on the back because you remained calm and composed, and get back to depositing those love units. You have done so very well, you know it, and she knows it. God is with you, and helping you, and gently reminding you that you are human too. We all have failings and faults, but the one thing we can't be faulted on is our love for our spouses. Remember that. Also remember that anger is a part of this - if we hide it or bottle it up - we'll end up in one of those places with rubber on the walls !!!<BR>You handled your anger so well, it was there, but didn't rise to the surface. Let us have the anger, we'll be there for you. You can also say it to us coz it doesn't hurt us, or harm 'our' relationship !!!<P>Have yourselves a lovely lovely Christmas, and focus on how happy next year will be for you both.<P>Big and bigger hugs to you<P>Jo

Bob,<BR>My faith is growing strongewr everyday. Iknow God is in control. I need to stay ouy of his way.<P>I don't think she's using drugs. That lifestyle has no real responcibilities.<P>Medic, <BR>You have no idea how sneaky I am. I can Dope fiend my way with just about anything.<BR>No further underhanded means to get her back. <P>And yes you are right, I'm not done yet either!<P>Genie,<BR>I do understand your madness.<BR>I would be most grateful if you could email me. I have some more questions for you.<BR>wconklin@carolina.rr.com<P>Elixir,<BR>You are right about some friends. If he had any #@lls I wouldn't have had to ask him, he would have done it two months ago! I have 3 friends I can completely trust.<P>Syd, <BR>I like to think what comes around goes around. I hope it's warp 9.9. I'm waiting.<P>Tonight Robin had to come by to drop off my laundry. She doesn't mind doing it at all never has. Anyhow, nice short visit, I kept everything light. She was her usual uncomfortable again. She commented on how Abbey has so much room to play, again. I was eating some won ton soup and she said she had a craving for our favorite Vietnamese resteraunt. So I invited her to lunch next week. She readily accepted. Gave me a hug when she left. No barganing or I love you, I miss you, I was just pleasant. She is haveing dinner with SIL and her NA sponsor. My SIL is reraly pissed at her sister, and her sponsor is getting tired of her head being you know where. I prayed for God to talk to her through these two women, and to open her eyes and ears. We'll see.<P>Tomorrow my folks will be here, maybe that will have some effect on her. I'm praying for a grand X-Mas present.<P>Thanks,<P>Bill<P>"commit to the Lord what ever you do, and your plans will succeed" Proverbs16:3<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Jo,<BR>I was replying to the others posted.<BR>I'm glad your feelings are coming back for you H. I got my anger out in my basement, after I cried my eyes out.<P>I forgot to add that I wore one of Robin's favorite outfits. She noticed.<P>OB is, how did medic put it, not bad looking if you close one eye and blink rapidly with the other, and if he doesn't smile or talk.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Bill,<P>You help me even without trying (and our friends helped me by replying to you).<P>Tonight I'm feeling down. We had a great weekend together (as a family) but today the entire day sucked- woke up late, business didn't go as planned, my masseuse canceled an appointment because had to go out of town for a day and then W's out again tonight. I was ready to put up a post regarding this (in a %$&#@?=!!! mood) and saw your post. The truth is, if she had been here I would have probably LB bad. Looking at it this way I'm glad she's with %$&#@?=!!! OP getting off (this sounds bad).<P>Hang in there, Bill, don't forget your goal and try to make the best out of these circumstances.<P>Alex<P>PS: I don't feel down anymore just by re-reading the replies to your post. Thank you again.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Live and learn

Alex,<P>call it the theriputic value of one individual helping another.<P>Hang in,<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Bill,<P>I've learned so much from you. You know only too well what to do - the wisdom will come to you for both the what and the timing.<P>You've implied it to me, and I'll say it directly to you - our Love is what will help us both conquer these situations.<P>Now for the hard part for me. Bill, I'm only far too familiar with the OB scenario. I'm ashamed to admit, but I think it might help here to do so, that some 20 years ago a woman 12 years my elder pursued me vigorously. It's like the Mrs. Robinson thing - you're a kid and horney and don't have the sense God gave you to care or understand about other people's lives and feelings. Jo was right, Bill. I can absolutely guarantee you that this will not last. He's a kid, and he'll eventually do what all kids do - go off and live a new chapter in his emerging life. When that happens, Robin will be hurt - or she may come to her senses first - either way, you want to be there.<P>Before all this I swore to my wife that if she ever had an affair that I'd surely leave her. I really want to be able to do that, but I just can't. That her EA wasn't physical doesn't matter - the pain is just as unbearable. It's the intense Love that keeps me going. I suppose, Bill, that we don't know who we really are, until we have to face life directly in the eye. <P>I want so badly for Robin to feel for you - not that you're in pain, because that's pitty and won't directly lead to love - but because of the Love she has buried within. That's what has to surface, that's what you're digging for (and so am I). <P>I'm routing for you Bill - everyday. Let's help each other to stay focused and not let the fear and pain get in the way of what's really important here.<P>I'm with you.<P>SamH

Thanks Sam,<P>We are all boeing forged by tis fire of infidelity.<P>Fell free to corrispond via email.<BR>I believe I posted my address.<P>No matter what we'll survive.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

I just happened on the board and am overwhelmed by the posts. I have one question in general that I am asking of you.<P>Why in the world do you take this kind of abuse? Why not recognise your spouse as defective and move on? There are so many quality people in the world that I cannot see wasting time with someone of your wife's character. Even if she changed her mind and returned, how could you ever accept her back?

engineer_bob,<P>I think I can answer your question for most of us, certainly for me. The answer is True Love. That means the right fit, feel, comfort, desire to take care of and please, and pure happiness when you are together and anguish when you are apart. <P>By the nature and tone of your post - you've never felt that. That is real hard to find. And, since we as humans are not perfect, it's just as hard to keep. If you ever find it, fight for it. Learn up front how to keep it rich and alive. I'm sorry for you.

WilliamJ,<P>Aw, don't beat yourself up too much over this. this probably won't be the last time you LB.<P>This time is extremely stressful for you and your D, too. I agree that the LRB will eventually move on to the next chapter of his life, leaving Robim hurt and needing consolation from somebody..YOU!<P>Keep the faith and do better next time. That's all we can do as humans.<P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>