Last night I tried to get us to have a long talk about the what we want/value for each of our individual lives so we can determine if that vision of M is attractive to both/either of us. I imagine that she is still in the fog but it was still very hard to hear. Plan A in effect for 1 month and making little to no progress with WW. Your comments would be appreciated.
1. She said that she feels like she has made her decision regarding our relationship i.e. to end it, and she said others have felt that she had made that decision also. She can be a stubborn woman and when she gets her mind made up it can be hard to change it.
2. She would like to change jobs and move to the Northwest to become a nature interpreter for school groups. This has been her ideal job for a while but was supporting our family with different work while I'm in school.
3. Wants a separation from me and OM to find herself but wants to maintain access to house and dog. Continuing to be a cake eater.
4. She feels doesn't deserve to be happy with me because of what she did to me/us. This is guilt and self-defense for her, protecting/preventing her from working on M.
All in all, I came away with several themes: she wants to escape the mess she has made and doesn't want to do the hard work to fix it for herself or M. She continues to be trapped between what she desire for her life (not the M) and what her parents tell her she should be doing (save the M). Maybe it really is over and she just isn't willing to admit that to herself or to act upon it, including out of care/loyalty to me. That realization is brutally painful especially while trying to do a good Plan A.
I know my body will be taken care of financially, physically, and even socially. But emotionally, I feel like a wreck. My love bank is low but I see a hurting scared woman who I have loved and cared for who needs big help, but is unwilling to seek it. She just doesn't seem to want to do the hard work for herself or M. That makes me sad for her, that she will have to return to this pain alone later when love was here to help her now. It's a sad situation.
