Several people have posted items from MWD's 180 list. I am curious as to what is behind this list.

What are the conditions that these guidelines are to be followed? What is the marital environment?

Do they fit in with a plan A or B in any way?

Here it is auto009988, Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

They complement Plan A because in Plan B there is NC(no contact) with the WS.

Thanks TMCM.

I am wondering if MWD has published some background to the items on this list. For example, how she developed them and why she supports their use.

They seem pretty reasonable and well thoughtout. I am simply a curious person. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by auto009988:

I am wondering if MWD has published some background to the items on this list. For example, how she developed them and why she supports their use.

They seem pretty reasonable and well thoughtout. I am simply a curious person. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">MWD has published the books 'Divorce Busting', 'Divorce Remedy' and 'The Sex Starved Marriage'. You may want to read the first two to learn how she developed them.

Dr. Robert Huizenga has also developed his own list of things of what to do and not to do when it comes to a BS dealing with his/her spouse's affair. Since posting them would consume too much space, I'd be happy to e-mail you Dr Huizenga's list if you like.

auto,

I too am somewhat curious and more concerned than anything about this list. For 1) because it isn't listed as a Part of Plan A (It should be understood that this is recommended to complement Plan A. And for 2) While it makes good points about getting on with your life, it doesn't state under what circumstances it should be used and for how long.

Should you use it for the duration of your Plan A? And if your spouse is somewhat compliant, meaning they are making steps toward stopping contact (because most WS do not cease contact immediately) and talk over with the BS should you use this list? If anyone is familiar with this list and has insight please share.

ANother thing about this list. If you adhere to follow it completely

Quoted from TMCM's Garage in italics, Michelle Weiner Davis's List

9. Do not schedule dates together.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.

when can you discuss with your partner when the A had eneded? Is this intended to be used if the A hasn't ended and WS is actively in A? If WS recognizes that he/she would like to change and wants to discuss the M with you, is the BS not suppose to answer. It might be helpful if more detail was given to how this list is intended to be used.

^^

One thing that I am wondering about this list is if it assumes no affair and no other person. MY impression is that it assumes no affair is taking place. It seems to me to assume that two married people are having difficulties between themselves with no affair and no other person involved.
Maybe I am wrong. That is why I asked for some background on the list.

<small>[ December 21, 2003, 02:28 PM: Message edited by: auto009988 ]</small>

freetobe and auto009988 you both may be interested in reading Carolkh: A Succesful Divorce Busting Story for an example on how MWD's 180 degree list helped Carol with her H's affair.