Hi everyone,

I am new here and I hope i can get great help from you all....

I November i found out W is seeing another man and it seems that this was going on for over a year to two years to what I can figure out....
She does not know that i know but see how she sneaks out and uses the cell phone as their cantack and voice mails., Some times I even notice emails.....

This OM is a co-worker of hers located in different buildings, they have planned many get togethers and I feel this has gone to a PA....
W has asked me for a D a few times but does not stick to it when she asks and that confuses me more, I will not file b/c i do not want a D...

I love my W with all my heart and we have thre wonderfull children that are my life. My children i feel can see whats going on and they show it by being frustrated , argueing with each other and not wanting to do anything including listening to the parents...
This OM has came in and I cant believe he has no respect to some one elses family that he is destroying....
This OM is also married with kids and I bet he goes home and act's like nothing is going on and has also sex with his wife and Mine....
Me on the other hand , my W is so in love with this OM that she has ignored me and have no sex or not even a kiss...
This OM has told her everything and has her eating out of his hands and calls her all sweet names like young love would be....

This has stressed me alot and I am not sure what to do, please help me and share some advice....
I do want to save my marriage, I love my Wife....

Thank you
Deep Pain

Welcome to marriagebuilders. You can start by reading all the information here, especially Plan A. After you get Plan A down, you can let the OM's wife know what is going on. This will expose the affair and make OM and your wife furious. But it is necessary to end the affair.

I'm glad you found this place. We will help you through this mess.

I have three pieces of advice for you:

1. Read Dr Harley's book 'Surviving An Affair'.

2. Implement Dr Harley's Plan A And Plan B.

3. Seek the services of an MB oriented professional like the Harley's (Steve and Jennifer) from the Marriage Builders Counseling Service. or Penny Tupy (our resident MB coach who goes by the handle of cerri and who hangs out here at the 'just found out' forum) the founder of Save Your Marriage Central. These proffesionals will not only give you much needed support but also help you formulate a marital recovery plan that will give your marriage the best chance to survive and rebuild from the ordeal of your affairs. They are not cheap but they are many times cheaper than divorce lawyers.

While we are not professional counselors we can help you by offering you emotional support during those dark times when everything seems hopeless. Good luck and keep us posted on your situation.

Hello,

I am curious as why you have not contacted the OM's wife? I have a hunch if she is contacted then the chances are increased that the OM will dump your wife. By keeping quiet about this all you are doing is enabling her to continue the affair and hence be a cakewoman.

My advice is much like TMCM's and Bryans. It is contained in the quote below. Pay particular attention to the Plan A links, because that is where you will need to start. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You can recover. Many people have. It isn't easy, and not everyone succeeds, but as long as you are both working on it, your chances are close to 100%. If your spouse is NOT willing to work on your marriage, is denying involvement in an affair despite the evidence, and/or is continuing an affair, read What Are Plan A and Plan B? after reading the "Basic Concepts" links below. In that case, you need to start Plan A with the help of a marriage counselor (see item #2, below). There are a couple terrific posts about Plan A that are worth reading at: Plan A, Doormats and Love Busters by Zorweb and Cerri on Plan A, which will help you avoid some of the common pitfalls. Your situation is harder, but your chances of saving your marriage and actually making it better than before are still good. But, whether your spouse is "on board" or not, you should do three things:

1.) Learn. The most important and helpful single source of information for my wife and I was “Surviving an Affair” by Willard Harley (hereinafter referred to as “SAA”) available at the Bookstore, Amazon.com, and bookstores all over. SAA is THE best book on the market for helping one get to the root of “the message of the affair” (BUT YOU HAVE TO DO THE QUESTIONAIRES!). It (along with the Basic Concepts section of this site) is also helpful for giving you a vision of what a great marriage should look like. The approach of SAA to this problem is that the best defense against affairs is to have a great marriage. My wife said we had a good marriage, but she still had an affair. She was kidding herself, but it was not until we read SAA and saw what a great marriage should look like that we could clearly identify the problem areas and had the tools necessary to fix them. So that you can get started right away, while waiting for SAA to arrive in the mail, read everything in the Basic Concepts section of this site. Next, read all the Q&A's on infidelity on this site. They are found at How to Survive Infidelity

The phrase “the message of the affair” is from the book “Torn Asunder”, by Carder (hereinafter referred to as “TA”). I personally think this is the best book on affair recovery we have read. In particular it deals with the two different paths the recovery of the betrayed spouse (BS) and the wayward spouse (WS) need to take, and deals w/ remorse in a way that I prefer to SAA. Read it together, if your spouse is willing. If not, go through it yourself. If you or your spouse has issues with control, you might also want to read “The State of Affairs”, (SOA) by Todd Mulliken, which also treats the remorse issue similarly to TA. SOA also deals with "the vision thing" for marriage, which is neglected in SAA.

2.) See a marriage counselor. This is hard. You need help. These boards are populated by amateurs. MC’s are professionals. There is a difference. They can help deal with issues the books don’t cover, and customize things to your individual situation. That said, there are lots of bad MC’s in the world. Read, and take to heart, How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor. You do not want an MC that is going to teach you how to live with an awful spouse, or how to adjust to divorce. Too many of them do, as is documented here: Hazardous Counseling. Reading that link may scare you off counseling, but it should give you some good ideas to ask a potential MC before you start w/ them, so you can avoid those that give you the wrong answers. You need one that is committed to helping couples have great marriages, and knows how to do that.

You are on an emotional rollercoaster right now, and there will be times that you will think it would be best to just divorce your spouse and go on with your life. Though there are no guarantees, recovery IS possible, but it takes time and effort. You will hate yourself if you don't do everything you can to make that happen. Give yourself the time you need.

3.) I understand that you may not be a person of faith, but for me, getting my spiritual life in order was crucial. As I said, this is hard. I knew I would need all the help I could get. Repenting of the habitual sins in my life let me stop pushing God away so I could hold on for dear life. I had to humble myself and ask Him what I had done wrong, and what I could do to be the husband He wanted me to be for his child, my wife. This was not about blaming myself. It was about doing what I could to do my part in having a great marriage. My wife could participate or not, but I had to know I had done everything I could do. It also helped me to let go of thinking about what SHE needed to do, since I couldn't control her, anyway.

You might also want to read through: WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses, but keep in mind that these are the writings of amateurs. Get the books, read the articles, and see a GOOD counselor - you need the best help you can get.

Of course, that is just my opinions and what worked for me, who experienced it once, first hand. Harley, who has helped HUNDREDS of couples through this process, lays out his program in the following link: How to Survive Infidelity You will find that I mostly followed his plan. It works. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

I love my W with all my heart and we have thre wonderfull children that are my life.

How old are the children??

This OM has came in and I cant believe he has no respect to some one elses family that he is destroying....

Believe it. The OM in my WW's life is just the same. They are selfish, self-centered jerks. They will bend and break any rule to justify the affair. He has damaged your marriage and is working to destroy your family. You owe him nothing.

This OM is also married with kids and I bet he goes home and act's like nothing is going on and has also sex with his wife and Mine....

See what I mean? You owe him nothing. Do yourself and his wife a favor. Call her and tell her what is going on. He is hurting her with the affair. By telling her the truth you are helping her since she can make her own decision to stay in the marriage or leave.

This OM has told her everything and has her eating out of his hands and calls her all sweet names like young love would be....

How nice for your wife. Is the OM there when the kids get sick and throw up? Does he pay for the food, clothing and shelter your kids need? Does he clean your house and watch over your family's safety and well-being. Of course not! He can do all of those wonderful romantic things because he has NO RESPONSIBLITY for your wife or your kids. And he doesn't care about your children or you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Read Surviving and Affiar ASAP. Get on Plan A. Stop letting your wife and the OM make the rules.

<small>[ January 24, 2004, 09:08 PM: Message edited by: auto009988 ]</small>

You've got to contact the OM's wife.

If he is just using your wife he will drop her pretty quick...and odds are that is exactly what he is doing.

Thank you all for posting and giving me your advise..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

My children are D-14, S-10, S-7.....

Their are all messed up and I am trying to keep the family together but it's hard, i also try to spend alot of time with them......

I will read Plan A and start on it right away to it's advise.....

I was thinking of informing the OM W but I thought it will drive my my wife into his hand much quicker due to the OM W throwing him out....

I just cant understand her, she still tells me what she wants to do like renovate the house, go on a family vacation. Last year we did alot of thing to our home and I just dont get it if she wants to leave.....

thanks.
DeepPain

Tell his wife. You'd want to know in her shoes, right? Beyond that, affairs grow in secret, they die in the light of day. There are exceptions of course, but that is the normal course of events. Even if the OM's W does throw him out, throwing the affairees together is sometimes the quickest way to end an affair, actually. You are right that it is a risk, but statistically speaking, your best odds are to tell.

deep

Affairs are like addictions. Secrecy is the "ectasy" of the addiction. Most affairs once in the "light" quit becoming affairs.

Two things happen.

One the gig is up no more free ride. If there is no real feelings there the affair ends quickly if not instantly. Or.........

It becomes a relationship ripe with all the realities a relationship carries with it.

The weight of reality is what tends to kill affairs that continue after discovery.

By remaining silent you are allowing the affair to go on in secrecy on the OM's part.

I know you are all right, keeping in it quiet will make the affair stronger. It just the the out come that worries me, but it has to come out....

Do you think that an affair might die too if it has been going on for a year to 2 years secretly.
Imn November I started to see signas comming out too strong that made me wonder whats going on???

Dont you al think if it gets exposed at their work would be more affective at first before the OM's W finds out, then they would be nervious about the companies knowing an affair if happening on their premises....

I have seen a few affairs happening in the work place and seen the company take action and dismiss both of them......

What are your thoughts.
Thanks
Deeppain.

have you talked to your wife yet?

The Plan A/Plan B approach is the best chance that you have to save your marriage. Plan A involves telling others who might make a difference, starting with the OM's wife.

John's last post is correct! You need to confront your W and you need to let OM's W in on their affair. You stated that you feared the OM's W will kick him straight to the curb...that doesn't happen very often. Most BW's will at the least attempt to keep their marriage together. While some may throw their WH in the street, most will also leave the door open for them to come back home with tail between legs. Most affairs do not end marriages! Most MM will drop the MW/OW rather quickly when the affair is outted. (I'm not saying that all do...but stats are stats for a reason.)

Therefore you first weapon is the truth!!! Use it! Your second weapon is being open to forgivness and to listening. It's being very clear that you want your marriage to succeed and become better, one with honesty, love, caring and kindness at it's foundation.

Good Luck!

Good morning everyone....
Thank you for your thoughts and advise....

I have put some thought to it and I agree with you all, this A must be exposed b/c i do not see that it's getting better....
I reading plan a/Plan B as you advised and I will prepare the exposure....
The only thing that gets to me is that if i approach her ahe will fly of the handle and dinie it unless i show proof.....
I would like to see the exposure come out from another area to me and then I can have better control over the situation, remember I love her and i want to save our marriage and the hardest part is that she works with this guy and she has a good job and she just got promoted.....
I want to her job to expose the A first and then goes to the OM's W to me.
Give me your thoughts.
Thanks.
Deeppain

Start with the OM's wife. Just let her know what is going on and that he is causing a lot of problems in your marriage. Ask her how things are going for her. Refer her to this site.

Don't tell your W you are going to do this. She will warn OM and they will come up with a story.
Yes she will be furious, they all are. But this is the first step towards ending the A.

Thanks believer....
i agree that the OM's W should be informed and be aware of whats going on.....
How about the exposure at their work, how would you think that will turn out...

thanks.
Deeppain

Start with the wife. See what happens when she finds out. My H's OW's H was a great support for me. He also let me know when she had "plans" be be with my H for the weekend, and when she moved in with my H.

It has been helpful and comforting to me to be able to talk to him.

After you let his wife know, give it some time and then expose them at work.

Deeppain,

I can not tell you what to do. My WW was in an A with a co-worker, so I will tell you my experiance.

The day after D-Day, I told my W she had to quit her job without the two weeks notice as I could not stand them being together any longer. N/C had to happen immeadiately. She agreed to, but had a problem with the fact that she would be hurting the company. She came up with a plan where she would work mornings and he afternoons so they would not be together. I said fine as long as someone knew about it. Exposure makes it much more difficult.

She called the OM that day and told him about this. He agreed. I was next to her when she did it, and it was obvious she was not too pleased with me and very concerned about the OM. The fog is tough to handle sometimes. He called the VP at his home that day. It was a Sunday. The next morning my W went in early and the VP just told her to pack up her stuff as the AM/PM thing just would not work and would be disruptive to the rest of the employees.

That afternoon, the company fired the OM in a very humiliating fashion, and asked that my W go back to work. She told them very clearly that I was asking her to quit like that in the morning. So they removed him to make me happy to get her back. Only the exectives knew about the A. In the afternoon, they called an improtu meeting to announce that my W left for personal reasons and she was a great employee, and on an unrelated note that the OM was fired. That he was no good, and a virus to the company. I should not have, but did I ever love that. The OM blamed me for it all and was totally pissed with me.

My W did go back for three months until a replacement was found and trained. The OM again was pissed as he felt she was stabbing him in the back for going back to work. God love him for that. It made my W start to see his real colours.

As for the OMW. I would have told her on D-Day, but could not because she was 7 months pregnant and I was fearful of what that news may have done to her. I made it very very clear to the OM that I was going to tell her but would wait at least a month after she gives birth. I suggested that he come clean with her first.

I wrote a letter and enclosed the evidence I had 6 weeks after she gave birth and hand delivered it to her. She did not know who I was. I just rang the doorbell, Said are you "*****" and handed it to her and left. A couple of weeks before I did this the OM called my W to find out if I was still going to tell his W. My W said yes, I think so. He could not understand this. In any case this forced him in a way to tell his W about the A, so she knew about it before I gave her the letter. That was good. They did stay together and I far as I know they still are.

Now there are some differences here between your situation and mine. My W was scared of losing me. Yours maybe as well but is in a fog, so Plan A is very important in your situation.

If I were in your shoes. I would have exposed the A to all concerned, give it the light of day and then try as hard as I could to win the woman I love back. Plan A. I did follow plan A after D-Day.

I would also be careful to not do it in a vengeful way. You will tell the story in a much different way if you do. If you do it, it has to be just b/c you want your W back.

I guess, I would probably go to the OMW first and see what kind of effect that has, then if neccasary go to the employer.

If you have evidence gather it and use it. You are some strange guy with a story about the OMW's husband. She very well may not believe you.

Thanks PTM for telling me your sit.

How long has your wife's A lasted before it was exposed at her work.
your sit is like mine but my W does not know that i know.......
Did you approach your W with evidence or just your findings.
I want this to be exposed but thinking how it should be done....

Would like to here your thoughts
thanks.
Deeppain