Hi . I recently discovered this site about a month ago . I have been married for almost 13 years . A couple of months ago , my husband told me that he had developed feelings for someone he works with . He has always been very affectionate and loving . I feel like I had been trapped in the "super mom" time warp . He says that he felt like I didn't love him because I didn't always reciprocate those feelings back to him . I know this is why he has feelings for the other woman , because of what was missing in our marriage . I wasn't filling his emotional need . He thinks he is in love with her . He can't understand why he can't get rid of the feelings he has for her and wonders if it's the real thing . He DOES love me . He talks about our future together , but then is plagued with his feelings for her again . What do I do ? I have been trying to be patient and wait for him to realize why he has those feelings . Hoping he will realize that it's lust and not love . I have truly changed . I want nothing more than to be by his side and can't wait to see him and be close to him . How do I convince him that this will last ? We also have two children who are aware of the situation and are becoming greatly hurt . He says he doesn't know what he wants , but knows he needs to make a decision . He says he just wants to be happy . He's scared to let go of her , if things go back to the way they were . I love him so much . What do I do ?

Can you make a thoughtful request for him to work through "Surviving An Affair" with you?

How serious this is depends on what boundaries have already been crossed.

Has your H told the OW that he loves her?
If so how did she react?
Is she married?
If so what does her H know?
How closely do they work together, how often do they see each other and do they see each other alone?

It's a hopeful sign that he's confessed this to you. It's not a good thing that he's trying to make up his mind. There shouldn't need to be a decision to make because he's married to you.

Is this OW even available to him?

If leaving you and going to live with her isn't a real option then he has no choice but to focus on your marriage. There are great materials on this site for marriage building. They've worked wonders for my marriage.

He needs to agree that any contact he has with this OW is only ever about work and they don't discuss personal matters. If he cannot stick to that then he must change his work arrangements to avoid contact with her. I would still say this even if it leads to dire financial consequences. However much it costs it'll be cheaper than divorce!

Hope this helps.

<small>[ February 12, 2004, 05:35 AM: Message edited by: lovesaved ]</small>

Hi,

D-day for me was less than a week ago so I'm not sure that I'm the person to be giving advice but I understand your situation so thought I'd lend a little support.

Read the marriage builders site. I don't know if it works in the end but it sure has made me feel better. It's amazing how many times I found myself saying, "Yes, that's it exactly." Our emotions sometimes make it impossible for us to sort through our feelings or to see things for what they are. This site will help you.

My husband is a workaholic and I'm a supermom (talk about running away from our problems). My husband had an affair with his boss. The physical affair lasted about 2 months but I'm not sure how long the emotional affair lasted. Until I read the marriage builders site I didn't even know there was such a thing. I realize now that an affair is an affair whether physical or emotional.

I'd take it as a good sign that your husband is talking to you about things rather than hiding it any longer. Perhaps it's his way of reaching out to you. Work hard on yourself and really soul search as to why you aren't filling his love bank...I used supermom as an excuse but when I really started looking at things I realize that I was in a state of withdrawal (as was he).

You're right. Your husband probably isn't in love with her but is just excited by the newness of the relationship. Take the bull by the horn and help him understand that by filling his love bank and allowing him to fill yours. Like I said, I'm new to all this but it just makes sense that if you're both meeting each other's emotional needs there would be no reason to look elsewhere for someone else to do it.

I'd also try to see if he'd be interested in looking at any of the material on this site. It just might help him sort through and understand his feelings and then he'll be able to realize that love for this other woman is not what he's feeling.

Best of luck to all of us on this site.