thanks Cwmac.
Preacher back when the A happened (june 19 2002) I put things together, so ive lived until recently with the thought of my wife with another man sayalmost a year and a half of distrust pain and anguish along with a 3 month separation to boot. now its been weeks if not a full month since actually knowing she slept with someone. when should i start trusting her again if i may be so bold as to ask?
I say holding on to anything for any extended quantity of time, wounds the soul far more than her actual affair. after spending this long distrusting her I choose to trust, she didnt have to tell me. should i punish the honsty she had in telling me? in the span of time after the affair she couldve left at any moment for the OM. She didnt adn here we are , I could choose to revisit the pain on her by continually bring it up...... or could choose to PROTECT, CARE, BE HONEST with the woman I hold above all others ..... I can not imagine living a life without her . we married when she was 18 and i was 22.
to say that i am inconsistent is a little bizarre. the only thing consistent about me at this point is my inconsistency. im up im down usually in the same day....... nothing matters... then everything does
THE ONLY THING I WILL NEVER WAVER ON IS MY LOVE FOR MY WIFE AND NEVER GIVING UP ON MY MARRIAGE.

"wether tis nobler in the heart, to weather the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or by opposing, end them"

"It may be sorrow never to sing,
and to go silent throughout the brimming day,
It may be sorrow never to love ,
but deeper griefs than these beset the way.

To have missed the perfect song,
and by only a half note lost the key,
Theres the sorrow ,theres the grief,
the pale sad staring eyes of lifes tragedy.

To have missed the perfect love,
not the hot passion of untemperd youth,
But that which lays aside its vanity,
and gives you for your trusting worship,truth.

This it is to be accursed indeed,
for if we mortals love, or if we sing,
we count our joys, not by what we have,
but by what kept us from the perfect thing."

Hello,

It is really sad that your wife still refuses to tell you who the OM is and that you think it is with someone at work. As long as she continues to withhold this information from you I think you will continue to have major problems. She continues to put the health and welfare of the OM over you. How do you think she would be reacting if the roles had been reversed? Either you have honesty in your marriage or you don't. It is like water torture the game your wife is playing with you. It is very sad that she does not see how destructive what she is doing to you and your marriage. If she does not believe in you to be honest with you then I simply do not know how you can trust her in the future. Unfortunately she apparently does not realize that she continues to disrespect and humiliate you by her actions. Again apparently there are no consequences to her actions by keeping the identity of the OM a secret to you. Maybe you should consider the ramifications and its meaning to you and your marriage. I wish you luck.

Well in a previous post it was said that I should not push the issue and just keep going on with what i was doing.....when she reads the book hopefully she will understand the need for total honesty........

Cliff,
There's nothing unusual about your behavior. I think most BS are very inconsistent in their behavior towards WS/FWS especially right after DD.

In my case I'd bounce back and forth from loving moments to complete melt downs in which numerous locker room names for females were used (sl@! and wh@^* to name a few) That's all part of the process for some. It's very confusing to WS/FWS though.

You'll probably run through the various scenarios before it's all done:

Revenge: Having an A of your own. For the selfish reason of wanting to know that there is someone out there that wants you.

Abandonment: Leaving her to fend for herself.

Trust: Will you always be the proverbial sleeping cat that always has one eye open.

I forget are you on AD's? They do help.

cwmac

No i really hate pills, and am scared of becoming a zombie like guy with a smile on my face even though im dying inside. I guess that an immature thought of AD's but was on serzone once and didnt like the feeling when i took it. and lucky me after i started a reprot came out saying serzone cause's liver damage

Cliff,
There are other options. BTW just about everything in modern society causes cancer.

cwmac

lol ya your right about that.
today was tough, she came home from work sick, and instead of feeling much of anything I was pretty blase about that. I ran around and got her the stuff she needed picked up her prescriptions came home cooked her chicken noodle soup made sure was comfortable but i actually felt resentment about it a little and i dont know why
bad day bad day. cwmac would you go see your regular doc for these AD's?

Cliff,
It's up to you. Two choices:

1) Go to your local HMO PPO doctor (this is what I did at first) They will probably have you fill out a form or interview you. How sad are you on scale of 1-5? This type of question. If you're in a small town and your doctor really knows you this can work unfortunately my doctor doesn't know me very well.

2) Go to a psychiatrist. They'll ask the same questions but they know how to interpret the responses better than a GP doctor. Also if the AD's don't work they are probably better suited at making adjustments. My IC made me go bc. the AD's perscribed by the GP weren't working all that well. And no I'm not bipolar nor do I have multiple personalities. Just severe depression that has lasted way too long. (Probably due to the long odyssey of discovery)

I really wish I had taken the advice from all of the old timers and gotten on the AD's as soon as I stongly suspected the A. I'd probably be off of them by now.

cwmac

<small>[ March 15, 2004, 07:41 PM: Message edited by: cwmac ]</small>

thanks

well asked once again who it was and how and where they met. got a "i dont feel comfortable telling you right now."

Hey Cliff,
Sorry to see that the W is stonewalling you on this. I hope she reaizes that this is something that you need to recover.

Did she tell you,"why she didn't feel comfortable telling you?"

Does she think you're going to grab your shotgun and go varmint hunting?

Question: How do/did you react when she gave you information on the A?

Is she normally a conflict avoider? Maybe she thinks that all of this will eventually be forgotten and swept under the rug.

Forgotten, never; forgiven, yes.

cwmac

I am sorry that I don't have time to write more, but I have to get my little girl to bed. I just wanted to say that she really does need to tell you anything you want to know. You won't really recover otherwise. She's being self centered by refusing to. I would suggest going to findarticles.com and read "Shattered Vows" and ask her to do the same. Glass does a GREAT job of explaining why you need to know.

Also, the book Torn Asunder is very, very good. Good luck.

well i reacted as well as any body could i guess. she told me "cliff, I had an affair" and thne started just crying and sobbing. I immmediatly hugged her wanting her to stop hurting.....I touched her cause i hate when she hurts. she hurts i hurt.

and yes she actually said "im afraid if i tell you youll hunt him down and kill him" and that is a direct quote.i roll my eyes at this statement cause at most i want to tell his wife.which if im right about who, she worried cause this guy and his wife just had a baby.....

also yes she acts as if to just kind of sweep this under the rug. i had to nag at her for days to fill the EN's questionnaire, now im doing it for the book SAA

<small>[ March 16, 2004, 10:22 PM: Message edited by: cliff ]</small>

I'm starting to get pissed off at your wife!!

An affair is one of the most selfish things a person can do. After the A some WS continue their selfish behavior as your W is doing. Her needs and the OM's needs are taking a higher priority to yours just as they did during the A.

BTW, your W knows exactly how to make you back off. She cries and you forget your question and run to comfort her. Next time she pulls that calmly in a soft voice say," I'm sorry that this is upsetting you but I firmly believe that I need to know this before I can begin recovery until then we're just treading water. Don't you want me to start recovery?

Who do you think it is? Have you mentioned to her your suspicions? Maybe just make the posative assumption and force her to prove that you're incorrect.

cwmac

<small>[ March 17, 2004, 01:15 PM: Message edited by: cwmac ]</small>

well i told her this morning that i do not feel comfortable sleeping with her(making love) and until i kow who it is, i will not make love with her and i will not be able to move forward in our marriage plus i wouldnt be going to a wedding with her because i do not feel like we r a couple. also i said if she loved this guy that much to protect him then i wish her the best i would be fine on my own i only want her to be happy.

well she mesaged me on my cell "come have lunch with me and i will talk to you"
fingers crossed hoping that this is for real.......

<small>[ March 17, 2004, 10:00 AM: Message edited by: cliff ]</small>

Hello again,

I hope you read and reread the latest post to you from CWMAC. How can you not see that you are being manipulated? She is allowed to be deceptive and not honest with you. The Harley's believe that it is essential that all of the betrayed spouses be informed of what transpired. The basics of radical honesty is not being practiced by your wife.
Again apparently there are no consequences to her actions and you take her on a vacation instead. From her point of view it makes sense never to tell you and keep the truth from you since you are in fact enabling her to continue with this type of behavior. I know this sounds harsh but you continue to allow her to disrespect you and your marriage. As long as she shows tears you turn to mush. Please read cwmac again and again. She continues to put the priority of her own selfish behavior and that of the OM and his marriage over you. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words. The OM and his marriage is her priority and you are secondary.
I wish you luck and hope your wife realizes how destructive her behavior is to you and your marriage.

well at last she has told me the truth. it was someone she worked with at another store (she works in a chain grocery store) so that monkey is off my back. i did have to promise to NC with the guy but i can live with that all i wanted was honesty.... so that we could move forward.

Great job Cliff:

What you said to her was perfect. This is a perfect example of how tough love can be effective. It forces the WS to step into reality and out of the fog to realize the consequences of their actions and the repercussions that will ensue if honesty is not adhered to. It seems to be shown so often that until a betrayed spouse shows some backbone that the wayward spouses refuses to show honesty and respect toward their partner. The bottom line is that you did great and your wife realizes what she may have lost with her contined withholding of the truth. I am sure she respects you and your marriage more now than ever. Good luck.

well she was a little perturbed by what she called an "ultimatum" but she told me anyway and after said she was glad she did.

depression hitting a little harder tonight than usual, while talking and asking me not too have contact with him or the OM W, she said "I went to him willingly, I wanted to be with him in any way i could. I went into his arms willingly"

to say that hurt would be like saying the ocean is a bit salty or that antartica is bit chilly.
once again my self esteem went out the window she was affectionate tonight but i just wasnt in the mood ,i visualize them together now more than ever .it comes more into focus the longer i think about it her holding him tight as they come together, her face in passion .heer scratching and biting his shoulder ( things shes done for me but now i associate everything she has done in a sexual way with me with him) I asked it was a sexual reason she had the affair she said no but at this point , I am totally crushed as a man. i never knew how much of my self esteem was from her when we made love, i have no confidence except at work where ive been on the job for years and as always i excell there but at home i feel just like im walking on eggshells .im unsure of when and how to iniate anything from coversation to intimacy. hope to get an appointment tommoorrow with DR for some ADs'as i have never felt so worthless as i did today. i dont eat much sleep well (you can see the time i write this) I feel absolutely worthless right now .................hate feeling like this. I will be stronger tommorrow, i hope.

"Once in Persia, reigned a king,
Who had engraved upon his signet ring,
A maxim true and wise,
Which if held up before the eyes,
Gave him counsel at a glance,
Fit for every change and circumstance,
Solemn words amd these are they,
Even this shall pass away"
god bless every one
my prayers are with you all everyday.
cliff

especially you LOY you go girl you are pretty amazing hope your timw with your pastor and your H gets you on the road to recovery finnally

Please go see your MD and at least discuss AD's.

cwmac