Counseling yesterday went ok. We basically talked about the problems we had with this past weekend. We signed our in house seperation contract. I expressed I will always have a problem with OM, even if she says they are just being friends. I won't be addressing that issue unless she decides to actually work on the marriage. Her viewpoint is the next 6 months is to learn how to be friends again. We talked about working the bugs out of the in house seperation, and the fine tuning I did on Tuesday. Since Tuesday morning, I've been avoiding her like the plague at home. Mostly to shield me from the hurtful things she continues to do, and preserve what ever feelings I have left.

She did approach me Tuesday for a hug, be still my beating heart. That completely threw me off, especially since she hasn't initiated anything since DDay. She even called me honey, last night. That didn't phase me though, I think it was more habit.

ITB:
I hear what you're saying. I've reached the point where I'm no longer going to allow what she's doing to hurt me. If yesterday was any example, then I'll be fine. If she's willing to continue going to counseling and following along with our in house seperation agreement, then that's what I'm going to do for my kids. They still need their mother. With the way things are going though, I don't think she's really there for them right now. Which is fine by me, because if it comes down to divorce, it'll be much easier to get the kids. Right now, I'm spending TONS more time with them. I'm being strong for me, and for them. But, I've got to continue going through this for their sake. This is a big if, but IF she can get herself out of the fog, and decide to actually start working on our marriage, I would prefer it. I still love her even with everything that's happened. But it'll be a long time before our relationship is strong enough to stand the test of time. Thank you for your opinion, just wanted to let you know I'm definitly protecting myself now.

Well, yesterday was interesting. DD(12) had her psychology appt. After hearing everything, he recommended we put her on Zoloft. DD(12) not sure how drugs are going to help her deal with the situation, even after Dr explained how stress causes chemical imbalances. Personally, I think it'll help her, considering we'll be dealing with this for the next 6 months.

I'm still trying to meet as many emotional needs she'll let me, but I'm moving on with my life, doing my things, and spending time with my girls.

WW had a car accident yesterday. She was in the left lane of a 2 lane one way street. '87 Dodge Ram Van tried turning left from the right lane through my WW's car into a parking lot. WW is okay, thank goodness. Looked at the car, it's not too bad, but definitly needs some work. Passenger door is caved in a little and door won't open. Insurance agents are investigating.

After finding out WW was ok, as we were ending the phone call, I told her I love you. She started her response like she has for the last month, with I know, but then she followed it up with I love you too, thank you. Well, I'm not going to read too much into that, but it wasn't a reflex response.

Yesterday, advised WW that she's responsible for paying for dates too. So, she's agreed to pay for alternating dates. Tonight, she's paying! We're going to shoot pool. I'm hoping it's a good night.

RW,

Keep your head up. I enjoy reading your posts. Your consistent and you're trying. I try to draw strength from you. Today I feel down and think that I will start a thread of my own.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Recovering H:
<strong> RW,

Keep your head up. I enjoy reading your posts. Your consistent and you're trying. I try to draw strength from you. Today I feel down and think that I will start a thread of my own. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks Recovering H, I appreciate the support. I never fully understood what it meant when I was told this was akin to a rollercoaster and there would be good days and bad days. Well, I definitly understand now. Having my own room to go to when she turns on her computer makes it easier to cope with, but it doesn't help knowing she's still talking to OM.

I've got such a long time to go through, and it's a struggle just to make it through each new day. This is by no means easy, especially since WW wants nothing to do with MB. So it's difficult to follow the strategies listed here. But I try to fit in what I can where I can.

I'm pretty much using this thread as my own journal, who knows it may help someone else. We've got a date tonight, so I'm hoping for the best. Keep your chin up, and hang in there. Some people here have been doing this for so long, I don't know how they've managed. I remind myself every day, if they can do it, I can do it.

Well, last night wasn't too bad. We went and shot pool for an hour. Came home, and she fell asleep on the couch. Next week, bowling.

Today she took the girls to a raptor(bird) demonstration. Appearantly they all had a good time.

I went to a friends house after work and stayed there until 8pm. Got home to find out WW somehow managed to buy a cell phone. No doubt to call OM. I'm sure she'll come up with a lot of other justifiable reasons, but oh well. She did bother to tell me there was dinner in the fridge if I wanted some. How nice.

Tomorrow is family day, DD(12) is going to a friends BDay party, and WW, DD(3), and I are going to go hiking or something.

Well, going to go get me some of that dinner. More later.

Sunday - Family Day, uh huh, yeah right.

DD(3) came down to my room around 6:30am, ugh, wanting to watch TV. I turned on the tv, and around 7am I went upstairs.
From the WW's door I said, "You awake?"
WW said, "Mmmm hmmm."
I said, "Can I come in?"
WW said, "Mmmm hmmm."
I said, "Can I lay down next to you?"
WW said, "Mmmm hmmm."

So, I spent the next hour just holding her. It's been so lonely having to keep up my end of the in house seperation downstairs, when the love of my life is upstairs. Surprisingly enough, when she woke up she mentioned how nice it was. I expected her to be mad I even asked to cuddle.

After we got up, was outside on the porch smoking, when WW came out with her new cell phone and instruction manual. Well, how nice to see her miss a call from OM. That kinda ruined my morning.

WW and DD(12) left around 10am to take care of the horse and go pick up a gift for the friend having the BDay party. Around 11:50am, I get a call from WW on her brand new fancy cell phone, the car just stopped running while she was driving down the road. Immediately, I start thinking the accident the other day, must have done something that wasn't visible to the naked eye, so I asked her the standard questions. Everything seemed to be working, but the engine wouldn't turn over. I picked up some gas, and yep, she'd run out of gas. The accident must have done something, because the gas gauge indicated she had about an eigth of a tank, and the low gas light never came on. I guess she does need me for something.

Well, yesterday was absolutely beautiful, when WW got home, she laid down on the couch, and took a nap. I refused to waste such a beautiful day waiting for her to have Family Day, so I took DD(3) and we cut the grass. WW woke up about 3:30pm and left to pick up DD(12) from the BDay party and to stop by the store for groceries. She brought the groceries home, and then went with DD(12) to the barn to ride her horse.

When they got home, DD(12) was upset, WW was on the phone with OM from the time she picked her up to the time they left the store, and never asked how the party went or if the BDay girl liked her present. Personally, I think there are some justifiable reasons to have the cell phone, but I think all it did was make it easier for WW and OM to talk to each other.

On WW's online journal that OM has access to, put up something requesting her friends ask her 3 questions that she would answer. One of the questions was, if you could be anywhere instaneously, where would it be and why.

Her response was New York because that's where the man she loves is. Whatever.

Ended up chatting with her on AIM last night from my room downstairs. Asked her why she allowed me to cuddle with her yesterday morning. Her response was she's starting to miss me being around. Guess I'm doing something right, however, I don't see how our marriage is going to go anywhere, because I'll accept nothing less than NC with OM. So, I guess it's time to step it up a notch and make myself more nonexistant. No more cuddle time. I'm not even sure if I want to attempt to show any affection when we're out on our dates.

I do know I'm not as upset about the whole phone thing as I thought I would be. I think with her pushing me away as much as she is, it's really pushing me away. I think making my self non existant to her is the only way to preserve any feelings for that may still remain. I just don't know. I can't see doing this for 6 months.

Sad part is, I have friends and family already trying to set me up with other women. I have explained I need to see this through to the end, regardless of what the outcome may be. If anything for closure for me either way.

Supposed to have lunch date with WW today. Waiting on her to call me to let me know when to pick her up.

Oh, WW made me very angry last night. She was watching a TV show on the Hallmark channel last night about a dressage show. DD(3) wanted WW to read her a book, after requesting a few times, WW snapped, yelled at DD(3) and threw the book across the room. I calmly picked up DD(3)'s books and took her to her room, and read her books to her until she fell asleep. Later, after WW's show was over, we were outside smoking on the porch, and she said she felt guilty for losing her temper with DD(3). I pretty much ignored that comment, and went inside and she offered me a hug before I went down to my room.

RWukovich,

Does this mean you're preparing the industrial strength cold shoulder? Good idea... then she can't use you this way. She obviously likes having it both ways, using you when she feels needy, but snubbing you (and now the kids) the rest of the time. Selfishas she is, maybe it will give her a slight shock towards reality. Stay strong, man.

why do you stay with her? gert out now! grow a pair! don't take this abuse from this woman! why are you still there? she hurts the kids, she hurts you! if you think this is in the best interest of the kids, you are mistaken!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ConfusedScott:
<strong> RWukovich,

Does this mean you're preparing the industrial strength cold shoulder? Good idea... then she can't use you this way. She obviously likes having it both ways, using you when she feels needy, but snubbing you (and now the kids) the rest of the time. Selfishas she is, maybe it will give her a slight shock towards reality. Stay strong, man. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's my belief. I'm documenting all the time she spends with the kids, so if it comes down to divorce, I will have the documentation supporting why she shouldn't have custody. It's so hard having to deal with this day in/day out. She's getting to the point now, where it seems like things are good between us, but she's still stuck in the fog. Nothing I can do until she gets off the freakin fence. So, I press on with my life, for me and my kids.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by woshoa:
<strong> why do you stay with her? gert out now! grow a pair! don't take this abuse from this woman! why are you still there? she hurts the kids, she hurts you! if you think this is in the best interest of the kids, you are mistaken! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why? I thought that was obvious. Because I love her. And thank you, I have a pair. I'm going through this to do what I can to ensure I get custody of the kids. Yes, it's hard on the kids. It's hard on all of us. When it's hard on the kids, I do my best to be strong for them, and give them what she doesn't.

Well, we had our lunch date yesterday. It went surprisingly well. Of course, she sprung something on me I was expecting. She's trying to find a new job, and I don't mean in the local area. Currently, she's got her sights set on Pitsburgh. MUCH CLOSER to OM. She even went so far as to talk about I could find a job there. I think I made it pretty clear, I wasn't going to Pitsburgh if there's no us, and then I said, guess we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

She called before she left work and talked about stopping and picking up seeds to work in a flower bed next to the back porch. I indicated I thought it was an awesome idea. Of course, I didn't express that it kinda made up for the lack of a family day. So, we worked on the flower bed until the sun went down, which was close to 8pm.

Then she had to go clean her horse stall. She didn't get home until almost 10. The barn is only 10 minutes up the road. I mentioned it must have been the worst stall ever. She said it was so beautiful outside she decided to sit on her horse bareback and let her graze. Personally, I think she was talking to OM on her new fancy dancy cell phone.

It's Tuesday, and she indicated she's going riding tonight or working on the front flower bed. But, she's off Wednesday, because she has to work Saturday, so we may work on the flower bed then, or she could have it done before I ever get home. Whatever.

Things seem ok between us, but I still feel the pain of what she's doing everyday, and try my best to push it aside. I'm never going to get over her as long as it continues to hurt when I see it. Next counseling session is next week, and will have been 2 weeks since the last session. Seems like an eternity. I think I'm going to see if we can change our in house seperation date to begin from the 13th of this month, because I moved downstairs on the 14th. The significance of this is, our 6 months would then end on our anniversary. Either a new beginning, or a fitting end.

Well, not long after I posted yesterday, WW added an entry to her online journal. She talked about how she and the girls worked on the flower bed. Nowhere did she mention anything about me. The only time she mentions anything about me there is when it's something negative.

After doing that, the surprising part was last night. She got home around 6pm and was on her way to the barn by 7pm. She didn't get home until after 9:30pm. DD(3) was bathed, and trying to fall asleep on my bed when WW walked in. She dropped her stuff at the end of MY bed, and laid down next to DD(3). After DD(3) fell asleep, I picked her up to go put her in her own bed. WW had dozed off and woke up when I was picking up DD(3). I thought the moment I picked up DD(3) that she would be following me upstairs to her domain very shortly. Got DD(3) in bed, and I thought to myself, that's odd, WW didn't come upstairs.

She was still laying on MY bed in MY room. I stood there for a moment, pondering what to do since her eyes were closed. DD(3) had been using my toss off blankets instead of being under all the covers, so I pushed them over some and sat down on the edge of my bed. WW opened her eyes, and I suggested she go take her contacts out. She said in a minute. Ok, at this point it became obvious she was in no hurry to leave. I laid down facing her, and since it's only a twin bed, the toss off blankets were between us. I rearranged them more comfortably, and she asked if I was trying to make sure I didn't touch her. I was like, uh, I can touch you if you want me to. She said it was ok. So, I threw the toss off blankets on my chair and scooted closer to her. I gingerly put my arm up on her side. I thought about how nice it used to be to just hold her, and I said I miss you. She said You do? like she was surprised or something. A moment later, she rolled over with her back to me and pulled my arm tightly around her. After a little while I said I had to get up to go turn off the outside lights, and she should probably go take out her contacts. Rest of the night pretty uneventful.

This morning however, before I left, I asked her if she got that job in Philadelphia (not Pittsburgh like she'd originally told me) wouldn't that effectively end what we're doing? And she said I'd move with her. I replied what? on a wing and a prayer? She said, she probably wouldn't get it anyway.

Well, she called me after I got to work and asked me why I asked her that this morning. And I told her I had mixed feelings about it. I could tell her some, but the others I felt should only be discussed in the counselor's office. Well, she pressed, and I told her. If she got the job, I'd be happy for her, because it would be a step up from the dead end go nowhere job she's in now. I then mentioned how close it is to OM. And she said, it's not like she planned it, it just happened to be where the job opportunity is. I said I understood that, but it didn't change the proximity any. Then she asked, well, if I didn't go, what would we do, seperate the girls? And I said no. She said, I would take both of them? And I said no. She said, so you would keep both of them? And I said yes. She's upset at this point. So I point out the small amount of time she actually spends with the kids and she got really upset with me and said she was done with the conversation and hung up on me.

Sounds like you are doing very well. Just keep it up. By the way, can she take the horse to Philadelphia?

I honestly don't know. I can't imagine how hard it would be on her not to take the horse.

Appearantly, she took our phone conversation as me saying she's a crappy mom. But she used a different word than crappy if you know what I mean, I took them from her online journal. She's doing an excellent job of painting me as a horrible person to all the people that have access to her journal. What bothers me, is it's like 2 different worlds were living in. The way she describes things, is totally 100% at the other end of the spectrum about how things occur from my perspective. Like this morning, I never even got a chance to finish telling her my perspective before she jumped to her own conclusions and ended the conversation by hanging up on me.

Going to get off work early today to try and talk to her before the kids get home. I'm hoping I can get her to sit down with me and actually LISTEN to what I'm saying vs jumping to conclusions.

Personally, I feel she actually expects me to follow her to whatever city she gets a job in whether we're together or not. I still can't understand that.

<small>[ April 21, 2004, 11:28 AM: Message edited by: RWukovich ]</small>

She is still very foggy. Stick to your guns, and keep talking calmly to her. The rewriting the marriage thing is just so she won't feel so guilty. Just keep continuing to be good to her, and she will soon give it up.

Yeah, I know she's in the fog, and there's nothing I can do to bring her out of it. She's going to have to make the effort, then I can support her.

I'm not looking forward to going home early to try and talk to her. I just know, she's not going to LISTEN to what I'm saying. But, I have to try. Patience is the hardest thing to come by, and she has none. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Thanks for your support believer.

I came home from work early, just to catch her on the phone with OM. At least she didn't deny it. I know because I checked redial and it was the number she always calls after she's called him. I told her I didn't understand why she did that, and that if I wanted to talk to him, I would have already. I explained I have his work number, work email, and personal email. Guess she didn't know how to handle that.

Talked to her about what happened this morning. Turns out, I hit a nerve. She really expected me to follow her around the country even if there was no US just so we could both be with the girls. She said she wasn't going to send out any resumes (yeah, right) and that I was holding all the cards. I explained it was a hand I didn't want. I don't want her to stay just for the kids and not be happy.

Told her that I didn't think she's a crappy mom, that I think she could rework her day in a manner that gave more time to the kids. She said, she likes to be able to ride in the daylight. I said, fine, go to the barn when you get off work, I'll worry about dinner, and when you get home you'll still be able to have quality time with the girls before they go to bed. I'm sure she thought about how that would cut into her online time.

Problem is, she doesn't think she'll get any of the jobs she's trying for. I told her, I thought just the opposite. I think she's an excellent writer, and that she would get the job. I explained I didn't think I could handle moving to Philadelphia with her and the kids and there not be an US. I said, if she was to hook up with OM that I didn't think I'd be able to handle that. And to ask me to do that would be unfair.

Well, the rest of the afternoon seemed to go well after she got over her attitude. We worked on flower beds more and grilled brats. Personally, aside from this morning it ended a pretty good day. I just don't know what she's holding inside that she's not sharing. At this point, it's always that way. I'm just going to have to check her online journal just to see what's on her mind. Not like she's telling me.

I do have a complaint though. She's been making sexual innuendo's. I told her it wasn't nice to tease. She's still not stopping. Guess I'm just going to have to stop acknowleding when she makes the innuendo's. In case you're wondering what I'm talking about, we had bratwurst's for dinner. I'm sure you can figure out what I'm talking about.

As far as last night is concerned, I asked her about that as well. I asked if she did that because she wanted MY closeness, or was I just filling a roll. Didn't really get a straight answer from that.

From the looks of it, she knows I'm not playing any games where my kids are concerned. She knows, if we divorce I'll fight her for custody, and she knows I have great odds for winning. I guess she realized today, that not everything is going her way. I do have some control over my life.

I even went so far as to point out that I have a hard time believing her and OM are just friends, considering she has contact with him every day one way or another. Be it phone calls, instant messages, or messages left on a website for each other. I even told her I was aware she makes me look like a jerk to her online friends on her journal. Then I asked her if she ever mentioned the good things, like yesterday when we were all working on the flowerbed. I know she didn't mention me at all, she said She and the girls worked on the flowerbed. She said that she used the word we to imply all of us. I know that was a lie. I even asked her to show me the journal. She said I've already invaded her privacy once, and she won't let me again. Wouldn't she be surprised I already know?

At this point, I have no idea where this is going, but I do know this. It's not bothering me as much any more. I even went so far as to tell her today, if she wanted to go that bad to go, I wouldn't stop her. But I told her to remember one thing. I love her unconditionally.

I think the next week will be interesting, since our next counseling session is next Wednesday. We're still supposed to have our date night over the next couple of nights. Supposedly we're going bowling. We'll see. We both have to work Saturday, won't that be interesting. I'm sure she'll be using her free weekend minutes on her cell phone to talk to OM. Sunday family day, supposed to be a nice day, think we're going to the zoo.

I'm down in my room, and last I saw her, she was laying on the couch with DD(3). I think they're both asleep. I'll be darned if I'm going to wake her up so she can get online and chat with OM. And I know that's what will happen if I put DD(3) in bed.

Think I'm going to watch a little tv, then I'll go to bed, hopefully I'll be asleep before she wakes up.

Sounds like you are developing some boundaries. It is good that you can talk so calmly about everything. I think that is the best path to take at this point.

Be sure to take good care of YOU. This is going to be a long process and you don't want to get worn out. Hopefully she will come around soon.

While I was getting ready to leave for work this morning, noticed WW's cell phone flashing. Assumed this meant she has voice mail, and I told her about it. She asked how I knew, and I said I was walking by where she keeps her purse and the flashing caught my eye. Which is true. And I was just letting her know.

After I got to work this morning, I checked her online journal, and saw her best friend told her this is exactly what her exhusband did, and she recommeneded she get a lawyer now.

She called me because DD(3) was being cranky this morning and asked me to talk to her. After talking to DD(3), got to ask WW where we stood after yesterday, and she said she wasn't sure. I asked if we we're ok, and she said she supposed.

I mentioned her talking on the phone to her best friend last night, and if she told her what happened. They both feel what I said yesterday sounded like I was trying to call her a crappy mom, when all I was trying to say, was I was trying to suggest a way for her to spend more time with the girls.

I asked WW if her best friend had any recommendations, and she was honest and said she suggested WW get a lawyer. I asked her if she was going to do that, and she said she couldn't afford one at the moment, and wasn't sure if she was going to do that. I guess time will tell.

Here's to keeping my chin up. I have no choice but to continue moving forward. Should talk to WW again at some point today, and I'll bring up our date night again, as she still hasn't said what night is good for her.

I'm not feeling too good about this ending well.

I'm feeling very good about this ending well. Try to do something fun with wife once in awhile. Show her the H she fell in love with. Sometimes too much relationship talk gets boring to WS.