Well, WW surprised me today. She sent me an email link for divorce mediation. So I asked, does that mean she's made her decision, or is that link for if she makes that decision. She said it was for if we make that decision. Great.

After our conversation last night, I think she made her decision and just needs time to get the money together.

I called her and admitted to reading her online journal and asked what was true, what she posted yesterday before she came home, or what we talked about last night. She said what we talked about last night was her position, and she had changed her mind. yeah right.

When she came home from work, she brought me a letter that she spent 2 hours writting. I was expecting a Dear John letter. But it mostly talked about her feelings, and why she changed her mind, and the difficulty in making a choice. It also talked about her feelings for me, well, ok, lack of feelings towards me.

I've continually expressed I think we have a real chance at a new relationship, if she'd only give up OM. I knew she had a tough decision before this past weekend, now I imagine it's even tougher.

She said she wished I handled yesterday differently, it would have been easier for her to make if I had blown up and lost control. I think she expected that, and she expected me to try and kick her out or leave with the kids. She was not expecting me to behave with detached reserve. I think it confused her. I can't think of any other reason why last night would have changed her mind.

I do know, that what she wrote me in that letter isn't something she's shared with OM, can say for sure about her best friend of 20 years though.

I went ahead and called a lawyer today, just to see where I would stand if it came to the big D. Basically, I'm in a better standing than her. However, the adultery wouldn't factor in because it wasn't witnessed by the kids.

Of course, the whole divorce thing would cost an arm and a leg. WW even suggested if we decided to part company, we could just get a legal seperation and stay married. I'm like wtf?

I told her I thought of giving her the easy way out and just telling her to go and not let the door hit her on the way out. But I can't do that. I have to see this through to the bitter end, and I absolutely refuse to make this any easier for her.

Talked with DD(12) today about where we stand. She understands I've done everything I can. I told her it looked like divorce right around the corner. She's come a long way, and like me is ready for this to be over, one way or the other.

WW mentioned today she's dreading counseling next Wed. I told her I was too. She asked why, I said, this whole situation is painful, and having to discuss what happened in detail won't be nice. She said we could always cancel it. I didn't respond. I know the counselor is going to express WW needs to get off the fence, and quit jerking me around.

Not sure it's going to matter much, WW mentioned today she's considering the physical seperation like the counselor originally suggested. I said, I thought at this point that was only a pre-amble to divorce, but she thinks it would be good for her and me.

WW also indicated she still wants to go out with me on Date Night Friday. Before she left this past weekend, I planned for us to go to the horse track. I've never been, and I was going to go anyway. She further went on to suggest we take the girls to see Harry Potter on Sunday.

Oh, and here's another side note, WW actually said she thinks she's been sabotaging our efforts. Well, no duh. She thinks the last month is ruined. I said not entirely, we're still able to communicate without bashing each other, and we're able to get along. Both of those things took effort on both our parts to get to.

I just want to let out this primal scream at the top of my lungs.

<small>[ June 12, 2004, 12:04 PM: Message edited by: RWukovich ]</small>

As long as WW has OM, she will not have feelings for you the way she should. That is the problem. I think it is almost time for you to go to Plan B. Otherwise you may lose your love for her.

Believer: I know, but I think it's coming down to that anyway. I'm waiting to see what's said in counseling next Wednesday. She's already said she's considering moving out because she thinks it would be better for both of us, and I told her I thought at this point, that's only leading to divorce.

I've been thinking about that. I'd really like to know how she thinks it would be better. What does she hope to gain? Insight on her decision? I don't know. I'm not sure a full blown Plan B would even help right now. Personally, I'm shocked I haven't kicked her to the curb. I don't deserve this. Nobody does.

RW,
So sorry to hear about WS move to the physical. That was the most painful post to read, especially considering the progress you had made recently. I guess your suspicions were well-founded. That she could come back and even talk about it is amazing.
I can believe she suggested bypassing counseling, it's a way for her to avoid being confronted with and accepting responsibility for her actions in front of a 3rd party. Don't let her out of it and make it easier on her.
I congratulate you on contacting a lawyer. I am aghast that they said the adultery is of no use. How is that possible? Oh well, what can you expect. I agree you shouldn't let her take the easy way out, you need to have professional representation or mediation to show what the final agreement is, so she can't come back later with claims otherwise (if it gets to that point, i mean). Her "physical separation" is just another means to remove the influence of your (and the kid's) presence, which causes her guilt which impedes her efforts to carry out further contact w/ OM (as recent events show how she behaves when she gets out of your sight).
Good luck, and I hope she comes to the right decision, whatever it is. And she needs to make her decision soon, rather than run you & the DDs over the coals any more. If she is just now waking up to the intensity of your love for her, is she also seeing the pain she's causing and the senseless charade she thinks she's carrying on? Hmmmmm.
Our prayers are with you.

It's been a few days, have a few things to add.

That night we talked, she expressed she was undecided.

I called WW and admitted to being in her online journal, and I asked her what was true, is she or is she not undecided? She said what we talked about that night after her post was true, she's undecided. Then she went on to tell me that that morning, she woke up and DD(3) was sleeping peacefully, the birds were singing, the coffee smelled wonderful, and she thought to herself, why would she want to throw everything into upheaval. I told her I wished I could believe anything she told me.

Surprise, surprise, she spent 2 hours writing me an 8 page letter detailing her undecisiveness. Obviously, I can put it all here, but I can give you the gist of it. She views her decision as being a one way street. If she decides to leave, there is no turning back, if she decides to stay, there is no turning back. If she leaves, and her feelings change, then she'll regret making that decision. If she stays, and her feelings don't change, then 2, 5, 10 years down the road, she's going to regret it and view it as her life was wasted. She went on to explain what she's looking for in life, and how she feels about me. She also went on to talk about how OM came to be in the picture, like she was justifying it.

She also admitted if she chose to stay, she would have to have NC with OM forever. I further acknowledged, I understood if that happened, that things wouldn't automatically be perfect again. I explained I understood she'd always feel someting for OM, but over time it would dull. I continued with, I didn't think things would be a bed of roses at first if she decided to stay, because there would be the seperation of her and OM. I didn't want to call it withdrawal or grieving, because she doesn't view it as an addiction. I told her when she first started talking to OM she already viewed me as being absent from her life, and that she didn't fall in love with him over night. I said, if she reversed that, and OM is absent, then talking to me, and working with me, could lead to love again.

I said, there are no guarantees in life, everything is a risk. I said, I'm obviously faced with a very similar choice, but I think staying and seeing if we fall in love again is worth it for us. I've decided to try the risk, and I told her she needs to do what she needs to do.

I had been planning date night this week for the last 2 weeks. We were going to go to the horse races. WW has a passion for horses, and I've developed one as well. I told her I was still going with or without her, and I told her she was more than welcome to still go if she wanted to. She said she did. Well, WW is sporting a new necklace from this weekend, it's OM's, and last night before we left, I requested she not wear it. Didn't need to go into any details or explain myself, but she took it off. Now, I could have requested she leave it home instead of not wearing it, but I decided if she took it in her pocket, wouldn't matter to me as long as I didn't have to look at it. So, I don't know if she left it at home or took it in her pocket, and don't really care.

OMG, the races were AWESOME! I even bet on a few of them, and won one of them. For a $2 bet, I got $6.20. It was $2.50 per person to get in, and the race program was $2. Was able to bet on a few of the races, and had an excellent time.

WW's barn manager, Charlie, does a lot at the horse track, and knows lots of people. He's sweet on one of the boarders at his barn, and she, Kelly, has a daughter. Charlie decided to show up to show us things, most people don't get to see. WW invited Kelly and her daughter to join us. Charlie took us around to the back corner of the track where the barns are, and we were standing next to the wall around the track. I could look down and see the sand on the track. This spot was incredible, the din of noise from the crowd was absent, and when the horses approached the corner, it was like rolling thunder reverberating around and through me.

Before we went to this, I realized this was one of those things WW was talking about in her letter, about the passion in life. I fully embraced the experience last night, and made sure I told her what a wonderful time I was having. I must have appeared like a little boy in a candy store.

Today is Girls Day out, not sure what they'll be doing, but I hope they have fun. Tonight is the Belmont Stakes, where a horse named Marty Jones, it's all over the news, has a chance at winning the Triple Crown. The Triple Crown is where 1 horse wins 3 major races: Kentucky Derby, Preakness Stakes, and the Belmont Stakes. If he wins, he'll be the richest racehorse in North America. For wining the Triple Crown, he'll get a $5 million bonus, plus the Belmont winnings of $600,000. At the track last night, we decided to watch this late this afternoon. Appearantly though, she has later plans to play an online version of scrabble with her best friend, best friend's married boyfriend, and OM. I'll proabably make myself a stiff drink, and go soak in my tub or something.

Sunday, we're taking the girls to see Harry Potter. I think we're having our lunch date on Monday, not sure yet, haven't really discussed it. Counseling is on Wednesday, and WW does NOT want to go, but said she will.

She's afraid the things I didn't say when I found out, will all be said at counseling. Mostly I think she's afraid of what the counselor will say. She feels, the counselor is going to judge her. I can't talk for the counselor, but she's supposed to remain unbiased and impartial. However, she's been lied to and deceived as well, so I've no idea what she will say, but I do know one thing, she agrees WW's decision can't wait till October like originally planned.

Things get better and better. More things to bring up. WW can't afford to move out on her own without filing for bankruptcy. I'm not sure what WW is doing, but she mentioned yesterday her mom called and wants to buy round trip tickets for her and the girls to come visit from July 8 to the 18th. WW asked what I thought of that, and I honestly told her, I'd much rather she went to her Mom's instead of best friends. WW went on to say, not like her mom would tolerate that anyway. WW further said, not like OM would fly to California from New York anyway.

WW said she told her mom she'd pay for 1 of the tickets. Well, I know round trip tickets between Illinois and California aren't cheap. I'm mentioning this, because, WW is not saving up money for a divorce or moving out. Because of that, I expressed I liked to believe we'd have a decision by then. I don't think she understood why I said that because she explained her mom thought of DD(12) as her granddaugther and always will even if we divorce. I would like to think so, but that wasn't what I was talking about, and didn't say anything else.

And here's my final kicker, when WW and I were talking on Tuesday night, the day she admitted to being with OM over Memorial Day weekend, she said something along the lines of not like I could have kicked her out or anything anyway, because both of our names are on the lease. I thought that was an odd thing to say, but didn't think anything else about it because I'd never actually thought about it. After our face to face lunch, she was afraid when she got home I'd try to kick her out, or I'd be gone with the girls. She was not expecting neither one of those events from happening. As a matter of fact, she didn't expect us to have the pleasant evening we had. WW does not understand why I haven't left her after all this, and said any other man would have been long gone. I told her how could I leave when I love her? Her response was how can you still love me? I said, because some how, I've managed to keep the hurt seperated from how I feel about her.

Now I hope it doesn't come down to this, but I realized our lease was only a 12 month lease, which rolled over into a month to month lease. There is nothing stopping me from signing a new lease with the landlords, one without her name on it.

I'm hoping at Wednesday's counseling session, the counselor can help me decide on when WW has to give her decision. Plan B will go into effect if WW does not provide her decsion by that date. That should affect WW's plan for the visit to her mom. I feel bad about that, for the girls. But I can not allow her to drag her feet any longer and subject me to this. OM doesn't even know about any of this undecisiveness. I don't even think her best friend knows. She's still telling them one thing and telling me another.

Wow, almost forgot something. Last year, best friend came to visit. At the last minute, I learned best friend's boyfriend was coming too. I didn't know then that he was married. I found out later that night, when the cops showed up at my door at 2 am, because his wife filed a missing person's report. Appearantly she found my address and phone number in his office, she had one of his coworkers check his office for anything. Well, she had a friend in the police department that contacted my local police and they came out to see if he was there and ok. Obviously, he was. Sad part is, best friend did exactly the same thing for WW this past Memorial Day weekend. To get to the point, best friend's boyfriend's wife, called boyfriend to get my name and phone number. Best friend called WW and told her. WW called me to tell me. Best friend is afraid of what I'd tell boyfriend's wife. I immediately said I don't want to get into the middle of that, I've got my own problems. I further explained as much as I dislike best friend right this moment, she has a very good reason to be concerned, because now, I can reach into her life. I'm torn, I like best friend's boyfriend, he really is a nice guy, in a really bad marriage. His wife is very abusive, I don't know all the details, but I feel sorry for him. I don't know what I would say if she called. I don't see how I could not be honest.

For the overall picture, I'm tired. It's time for WW to get off the fence once and for all, and to be honest, I've reached the point I really don't care which side it is. If she wants to go, ok, have fun. If she wants to stay, then I'll continue to give 110%. I do know one thing though, I will not be the first one to leave this marriage. I refuse to spend the rest of my life wondering if I did the right thing, or if there was something else I could have done.

I love you all, and I love who I've become in this process. Thank you all for your support and advice. I'll be glad to move onto a new forum, be that Divorced/Divorcing, Plan A/Plan B, or even In Recovery would be ok. Stay tuned.

<small>[ June 12, 2004, 12:09 PM: Message edited by: RWukovich ]</small>

Sounds like you are doing the right thing by not rushing anything. At some point soon you do need to go to Plan B. Your wife is cake-eating big time.

You will find Plan B very peaceful. Also you can get on with your life, without the constant tension of the rollercoaster.

Talked with WW today. I explained why I was still here, since she didn't understand because any other guy would have been gone by now. I told her because when I married her, I married her for better or for worse. I even said, and it doesn't get much worse than this. I told her, I'm not going to be the one to walk out of this marriage. I also said, if she decides to leave, then we need to stop living together. Meaning one of us will have to move out, and I know she can't afford the rent on this place. So she knows, it's not like it'll be ok, to keep on living with me. I refuse to keep living with her if she makes that decision, every day has been a nightmare as it is, as anyone who's read this thread will know.

I explained I realized how serious this decision is for her, due to the ramifications to everyone involved. And it's not something that can be decided over night, but at the same time, and she finished this sentence with, it can't linger.

Personally, I know she's leaning towards leaving, but I'm at the point I don't care which way she decides. If she leaves, fine. If she stays, I'll continue to give 110%.

She also admitted that she didn't know if she'd be able to completely break off all contact. I'll cross that bridge if she decides to stay.

Now for some lighter info, we took the girls to see Harry Potter today. From what I got to see of it, it was pretty good! DD(3) had to go pee every 15-20 minutes, so that was annoying. Not to mention, the little old lady that was sitting next to me wearing way too much perfume, and blowing her nose and snoring.

Plan to have lunch with WW tomorrow, no idea where I'm taking her yet. Counseling on Wednesday, told WW she didn't need to worry about anything I'd say, because I've already said everything to her that I need to say. She's worried about the Counselor judging her. I think she should be worried, especially since she lied and deceived the counselor as well. Should be interesting. One of the things I do intend to talk about with the counselor is how long I should wait to get an answer from WW. Nothing beyond the end of the month is acceptable.

Here's an interesting twist, WW was worried about me kicking her out, but the attorney she talked to told her as long as both of our names are on the lease, she can't be kicked out. Well, WW failed to realize when we signed our lease, it was a 12 month lease which rolled into a month to month. There is nothing stopping me from going next door to the landlords and signing a new lease, one without her name on it.

Here's the funny thing, she's mentioned this a few times, but she suggested we could just get a legal seperation since she never plans to get married again. Yeah, right, like I'd want to do that. Well, boys and girls, it looks like we're done, I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. It'll obviously be as soon as she gives her decision, especially since she's already said she's leaning the other way.

Talk to you all tomorrow night to let you know how Monday goes!

*see, I'm dealing with this much better than before! But, no, I'm not happy, just coping.*

<small>[ June 12, 2004, 12:11 PM: Message edited by: RWukovich ]</small>

Picked WW up for lunch today, on the way there, she told me she emailed me with a copy of what she posted in her online journal. Figured, since she sent it to me, I'd share with all my readers. Only thing changed, are names to protect the innocent.

10:06 am - and...it's Monday again
Not a bad weekend at all. Friday night we went to the Thoroughbred track with the barn manager and his girl and her daughter. We had a lot of fun, BS made some bets and won $6, but that's it. I kept picking losing horses! Guess if I bet on something other than silk colors and names, I might actually choose a winner every now and then!
I took the girls to Forest Park in St. Louis on Saturday, we had a picnic in the park, chased ducks, did some walking, played on the playground and rode the ferris wheel. I thought for sure the ferris wheel would be expensive, but it was only $3 for the three of us. DD(3)was SO excited about it, and she was making me nervous because she kept wanting to stand up in the car and peer over the edge! GAH! Or she'd lean really close to the little door to peer out the cracks. Ferris wheels have never, ever made me nervous before, but I sure was nervous riding it with my three-year-old. It's amazing how your kids makes you change your perspective of things. Sunday I went riding. Star was kinda crappy, but we had a quick lesson in remembering our manners and it was all good again. She just brain farts every now and then, her Thoroughbred brain cell kicks into high gear and she gets all flaky and hyper. We took the girls to see Harry Potter Sunday afternoon. Excellent movie. It's the first Harry Potter movie I didn't fall asleep halfway through, so that says something. DD(3)didn't much care for having to sit for 2 and a half hours in the theater and she must have had to use the bathroom at least five times. I think she's good for hour and a half movies at this age, the longer ones are just pushing her ability to sit still and pay attention.
BS and I had a long talk yesterday about lots of stuff. He wants me to make a decision about whether I'm going to continue working on the marriage or not. I understand completely him not liking being in limbo, I don't like the feeling much myself, but I'm so worried I'm going to make the wrong decision. I know that staying in a marriage for the kids isn't the best thing to do, but sometimes I think it would be the best thing to do, for them. I don't know if I'd be happy staying married, sometimes I think I would be able to live with it, sometimes I know I wouldn't be happy for very long. Yeah, things aren't bad right now, we are communicating better than we ever have and we are getting along better than we ever have, but I still can't stand to have him touch me and the thought of him moving back into my bedroom bothers me. I know he'd want to move back into my bedroom if I decide to continue trying to make the marriage work, and I don't want that. Yesterday he talked to my mom, and told her everything that has been going on. She told him it sounds like I'm behaving like my dads did. I didn't much care for that comparison at all. I won't abandon my kids, like my dad did. My mom also keeps telling me that it is my obligation to keep as stable an environment as possible for my girls, and if that means that I have to sacrifice my happiness for their mental stability, then that's what I have to do. She constantly reminds me that BS is a good provider and doesn't drink or beat us, and that should be good enough for anyone. But I also want to be happy, and I just don't know if staying with BS would be fulfilling and happy. Yeah, I'd be comfortable, financially, but is that worth giving up a life of happiness for, financial security and my girls' emotional stability? He seems to think that I can be happy, if I gave him an honest chance, instead of just half a chance. I've been trying to give him a chance, I've even been trying to find the smallest good thing to latch onto to try to love him again, and I haven't been able to find it. And the decisions I have to make absolutely must be based on whether or not I think I can be happy staying where I am. Nothing else must come into consideration at all. That's not easy to do. Easy to say, hard to actually do. Sigh. I think of all the things I could lose, and then all the things I could gain. I could lose my comfort, my horse, my girls, my vehicle. I could gain my freedom, my happiness, a sense of "self" that I've lost. How do you make this kind of decision? I worry about stupid things too, like how my mom will react if I tell her that I just can't make the marriage work anymore. I know she'll say I'm being selfish, because my girls' happiness should always come above my own happiness. I hate it when my mom is disappointed in me, I've always tried so hard for her to be proud of me, and this would just be one more thing that would let her down. I've spent most of my life letting her down, so this wouldn't be anything out of the ordinary.

Thoughts? Opinions?

I think its about time for Plan B. Your wife has the world by the tail, and can't appreciate it. She needs to find out what life is like without all the nice things she has become accustomed to.

Sheesh - all she can find good about you is you don't beat her?????? It's all about her right now.

I agree with Believer. She's focused on the wrong things.

Well, I would love to Plan B, but I can't afford to move out, can't afford a divorce. All I know, is I'm getting tired of this living nightmare. She contends she hasn't felt anything for me in a long time, well, news flash, this was all dumped on me only 3 months ago. Not like I can turn off my emotions like a light switch.

Boggles my mind she would even consider staying just for the kids. That's no way to live. I can't/won't live that way. I made it perfectly clear, I do not want her staying just for the kids, I only want her staying if she's going to work on the marriage. After reading everthing I've read, and listened to what she's said, she doesn't want to be in love with me. I'm a conveinence, and I won't tolerate it. If she decides to stay, and she won't have NC with OM, then I'll be forced to make a decision. The only way I can move out is if I quit paying for her car and insurance, that will force her to file bankruptcy because she can't survive on her own with the bills she has. Heck, it's in her words a few posts up.

Here's the most surprising thing, she's going to counseling with me today. I was going to go with or without her for my own sanity. Imagine my surprise.

I'll be honest, I have no idea why she sent me a copy of her online journal post, but it hurts my feelings. She can't stand my touch, but she says I'm a good looking guy, and I don't disgust her or revolt her. So what gives?

Then of course there's that whole sleeping next to me thing, before I read the email with the copy of her post, she told me it was because I make her hot and sweaty, and I snore. I confronted her about that, and she got angry. Turns out, I'm not supposed to question why it appears as 2 different things. I accused her of lying to me, or lying to them. Well, took some time, but it turns it she wasn't lying, just not telling me the whole thing, which we all know omission of information is still a lie. From what I can understand, she didn't want to hurt my feelings at lunch, or didn't want to face that at lunch, but it's all true, I'm just getting bits and pieces here and there.

Here's the way it is, she says she's human, and therefore needs to be touched, which is why she hasn't wanted me to stop, but wants it as little as possible. She'd rather be touched by and sleep next to OM. Whatever. Not to mention, she said she feels any touch I make is in her opinion some sort of sexual advance.

Somebody, please, wake me up from this nightmare!

<small>[ June 12, 2004, 12:12 PM: Message edited by: RWukovich ]</small>

Sorry you are hurting. You are a good looking guy. The only problem is that your wife is infatuated with OM. And as long as that is the case, she will have no feelings for you.

Right now she has the best of both worlds. That is why Plan B would be good for your marriage, and YOU. Let us know how the counseling goes.

Well, I have reason to believe she's going to call it quits at counseling today. Obviously, I won't know until I get there.

I feel like the convicted felon walking down death row. I don't think the Governor is going to call...

Dead man walking? I think not... as long as she gets off the fence, you can start building your life again, without being her hostage. Although painful, it lets you start on a constructive path where you can concentrate on you and your DDs.

Good luck, whichever way it turns. I hope the best for you & yours

Hey! Any update?

Well, there have been some interesting developments. I'm not going to go into all the details right this moment. The most recent surprising developments were only about an hour ago. You know me, long winded, and love to stick to the details.

I won't leave you all hanging, I'll give you some details. You know I went to counseling today expecting her to say it's quits.

Well, that's what she was going to do. I'm not sure what made her change her mind though. She went to the barn to ride her horse, and was on the phone before she got out of the driveway.

I figured she was on the phone with best friend or OM. She talked to best friend extensively appearantly.

When she got home, she told me this: I don't want to spend the rest of my life wondering if I gave this an honest chance or not. I'm going to tell OM that I don't want contact for awhile. I'm not going to set a time frame for awhile because that puts to much pressure on the situation, but it's not going to be just 1 or 2 weeks.

So, she's going to stop talking to OM and she's going to really focus on us. I have my doubts...

We both agreed there is no guarantee that she'll develop any feelings for me, but at least we'll both know we give it another chance.

I was stunned, never expected that especially after what I was expecting at counseling, and I'll save all that for my next post.

<small>[ June 12, 2004, 11:57 AM: Message edited by: RWukovich ]</small>

Ok, here goes...

As you know, I had my reasons for believing we were done yesterday, and that she'd say as much at counseling. We were sitting in the waiting room, and WW mentioned she'd avoided talking to everyone yesterday, to include best friend and OM. This in itself was surprising to me, but made me think she was possibly trying to think clearly about the situation before following through with her decision. She appearantly thought I expected an answer at counseling even though I said before I only intended to ask the counselor's opinion.

Counseling started off with us talking about Memorial Day weekend and how we were getting along since then. It's not been easy. I expressed I wasn't as mad about what happened, as I was mad at the premeditation. WW maintains she lost those loving feelings for me long before OM. Which is why she's been saying all along he's not the cause of my problems. Of course, now that he's in the picture, he is a problem. WW also expressed trust was an issue. The counselor said that was my problem to deal with. I said, if I was willing to keep working on our relationship, then I was willing to work on trust. Of course, there's another issue now, she expressed being mad and resentful that I wasn't the way I am now all along. She even asked the counselor if that could be preventing her from feeling anything positive about me. The counselor told her yes, she's going to have to get over it if she wants herself to be receptive to any growing feelings of love. The counselor also agreed with me when I said, she won't know she's feeling anything for me until one day, BAM, she'll miss me when I'm gone somewhere.

I'm not sure I can recant everything said, but I'll try my best to keep to the main points. The counselor said it was normal for relationships to become complacent, and it takes a lot of hard work to keep things alive. She also said, some recover, and some don't, it all depends on how much of an effort is made by the couple. But that's only if it's 2 people involved, when you involve other people things rapidly deteriorate beyond the point of no return.

I spoke up and said, I was more than willing to continue giving 110% if she wanted to give us a real chance, one not involving anyone else. I said when she told the counselor and me they were just friends she was lying, and that only set us up for failure. I said, in the right environment, meaning me being the way I am now, and time anything could happen. And it's that possibility I'm clinging to. The counselor agreed, there are no guarantees in life, and that our relationship is only what we make of it. The counselor told WW she was going to have to take a chance and go out on a limb.

It was about this point, WW asked what would we do if we did this and found out later it's just not going to happen. I said, then I'll know we gave it our best shot, and we can walk away from this better than we can right now. I asked the counselor based on the serious nature of the choice WW has to make, I don't want to rush her into making one, but at the same time, we all know it's not something that can wait. The counselor didn't answer the question. Wasn't long after this we scheduled another counseling session for another 2 weeks.

At this point, I'm thinking to myself, wtf? Already, things I expected to happen didn't, and things I didn't expect to happen did. Meaning, she didn't say it was over, and we had another counseling session. I was sure this was to be the last.

WW went to her room when she got home. She was reading a book, this would be the third day in a row. She didn't stay in there long, 30 or 45 minutes. We made barbeque chicken leg quarters for dinner. After dinner she went to the barn, and was on the phone before the car ever left the driveway. I knew after the way counseling went today, she was really at odds with something, and was calling best friend or OM. I figured more than likely it was best friend. Think she got home around 9:30 or so.

This is when things really began to get interesting. I went outside for a smoke, and wasn't too long before she joined me. She asked me what I thought of counseling. I told her I went in there fully expecting her to say it was over. She said that's what she was going to do. I asked why she didn't. She said that was a good question. She asked me if I could continue living this way, the way we are now. I thought about it a minute, and responded we both need happiness, and the only way I could do it is if we were making an effort to see if we could get back what was lost. And if we couldn't, then at least we could both walk away knowing we did everything there was to be done. She then started telling me she didn't want to spend the rest of her life not knowing if things could have been different by giving an honest chance. This is the point at which she said she was going to let OM know she wanted to break off all contact for awhile while we figure this out. I asked how long awhile was, and she said she didn't want to put a time frame on it because that would put pressure on the situation. Basically it boils down to awhile could be indefinitely, or as short as a month.

I'm completely stunned at this point, as you all know, it was the last thing I was expecting. Of course, trust is an issue. WW is concerned about being questioned all the time like a child. Obviously, feeling that way isn't going to help. The only thing I can think of is letting her give me some ideas on what she thinks she can do to help with my trust issue. Of course, there is the possibility this is all just a ploy to buy more time. Oh, and another thing, I said if she was going to give this an honest chance, she needed to stop wearing his necklace. She asked if it bothered me. I said yes it does.

Well, I think that's as close as I can get to yesterday's events. I'm expecting her to let me know at some point today that OM was advised of the situation, and from what WW has said, he has already said he'd back off if that's what she wanted. I'm assuming, this will probably take place over a phone call from work. I suppose I could ask for some sort of verification.

Ok, now you all have all the facts. I don't know what to do at this point. If she's sincere, what can I do to get back that loving feeling? Do I move to the Plan A/Plan B forum? Do I move to the recovering forum? I didn't expect this. Think I need to get the Fall in Love/Stay in Love book, and maybe have her read it with me. Of course, I've got Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs.

I think I'm still in shocked stunned disbelief. If she's jerking me around....GRRRRRR.

So the governor did call! Great news. I would continue to do what you have been doing. Don't expect too much, and you won't be disappointed. Try to spend time doing some fun things together.

It's hard to keep doing what I'm doing. How do you express your love, affection, and everything else to someone who isn't receptive?

I can do those things, but every rejection just pushes me away. I don't expect much, except a legitimate chance.

She's going to have to prove to me in some way that she told him NC, and then she's going to need to show me that it stays in effect. She's already admitted that's going to be the hard part.

I know, one day at a time. Sigh. I'm thinking I need to change forums, where do I go? Plan A/Plan B are for getting rid of OP. I think we've done that. Can't say recovering, because there is still no committmant to stay, only an opportunity to see if something can happen.

Try general questions - lots of traffic there.