Hope you have a good weekend. At least it should be peaceful. I guess just keep on Plan A'ing. You are getting good at it. Wait and see if she gets a job. Then you and the horse can Plan B.

Well, to be honest, I'm starting to stress a little bit. It's actually been VERY relaxing with WW and girls gone. I've been able to get plenty of sleep, and good sleep at that. No nightmares about my messed up marriage waking me up in the middle of the night.

I have all these great plans for everything to be so awesome when WW and the girls get home, but some inner part of me just knows WW will find something wrong. It won't matter how much I've done, or what I've done, or that it's all out of what she considers my character to be.

I'm exploring things about life, and trying to break out of the paradigm that is my life. I like to think I'm doing a good job of it. I KNOW I'm at the crossroads where one path includes my marriage, and the other one does not. I can honestly say I can easily go down either road. I just don't know how long I can camp here.

Holding my head up and Plan A'ing like there is no tomorrow.

Well, it's Monday. Any updates?

Well, Saturday night, WW called, and surprised the heck out of me by initiating an I love you first. Sunday, I was greeted at the airport with a hug and a kiss. The BBQ pork steaks were wonderful, house was clean, there was absolutely nothing for WW to do when she got home. The dessert I planned was also a big hit.

WW ended up getting on the computer, but I refused to let her know how it affected me, and I stayed in the living room on the couch watching TV until about midnight. As I was on my way down the stairs to my room, WW asked if I was going to bed, and I said Yup, and she said good night, so I said good night.

I was tired enough it didn't take long to fall asleep, and imagine my surprise when WW woke me up about 12:30 and invited me upstairs. She told me I was welcome to stay upstairs with her last night. Of course I did, and I thanked her too. I don't know when it will happen again, but I won't be asking for it. I've learned my lesson, this is all about GIVING, not GETTING.

All in all, I'd have to say things are very pleasant at the moment. WW recieved a call from a paper in South Carolina, she talked with the editor for awhile. Supposedly, WW's resume hasn't been rejected for the Lexington, KY paper either. DD(12), WW, and myself would rather go to Lexington, so WW is going to call them tomorrow and see how the prospects look.

Bottom line, I'm still not moving anywhere until I have a "warm fuzzy" about our relationship.

Well it's looking warmer and fuzzier by the day. You are doing very well. Just keep it up. You are getting much more from your wife than most of the men here. I think the fog might be thinning. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I'd like to think you're right Believer, but where I used to be optimistic, I find myself pessimistic. WW's pessisimistic, and her view point is if you expect the worse all the time, then it can only be better. You know, I used to believe I'd rather be happy all the time, and only upset when necessary.

Maybe I'm expecting too much, I don't know, I think if she's going to choose to stay in this marriage then she should start behaving like a wife. I guess, the rift between us is wider than I thought, that we'd have to continue doing these things the way we're doing them. I guess, it's because we're trying to deal with all the problems that caused the rift in the first place.

Believe me, there aren't any dances of joy going on here, not yet anyway. Remember the month of May, and how good I thought that was? I'm not going to claim we're on the road to recovery, until I FEEL like we're on the road to recovery.

It's been the people that posted on my thread that have gotten me to this point. I really don't think I'd have lasted this long. I can only say one thing, thank you all, I've learned a lot. The most important thing I've learned is to tend my rose garden every day, whether it's with WW or not.

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote WW a letter explaining why I love her, and asked her to do the same. Her response was she needed some time to think about it. Well, I didn't have a problem with that since it took me a couple of weeks to put all the feelings into words. Last night I sent her an email asking about it, and she responded with she's thought about it, and I should have something today. We'll see.

Just a quick update, not much has changed since my last post.

WW still spending all her free time at home online or on her cell phone.

Oh, and I decided I'm cutting back on my Plan A. This morning I didn't make coffee and I didn't wake her up to tell her bye and I love you. In times past, when that didn't happen, she'd call and ask why not. But I really think that won't happen.

This feels like a false start to recovery, and I refuse to let myself get sucked in. Counseling is next Wednesday, so I'm going to do my best to prevent any LB's between now and then just to be on the safe side.

Ok, I was wrong. WW called me before she ever left the house. Of course it was to get the Dial up number and login info for our ISP so she could dial in from work on her laptop to download mp3's sent to her by a guy on Deviant Art.

While I was looking up the dial up number she asked if I was running late this morning. I said, yeah, and asked how she knew. She responded with I didn't say good bye and the coffee wasn't made. Surprising how she notices the freaking coffee's not made when she hasn't acknowledged it being made for the past few days.

I slipped up and said I love you when we were ending the call, and got an I love you too. Kinda made me feel better since I didn't get any yesterday. I have a hard time keeping in the GIVING mindset without expecting anything, In a normal relationship, both partners do for each other so both receive something and don't have to miss it or expect it. But when you're not receiving anything on a regular basis, you become deprived, and crave it.

I know how it is to crave getting needs met. Been going through this for 16 months. Try to find ways to meet your EN's through other people. Your wife seems to still be foggy.

But I think you are doing well with the MB program. Your day will come.

RW,
Following your sitch as I have, I’m always feeling this sense of foreboding. Your W just comes across as, I guess uncommitted would be the kindest way to describe it. I get the feeling that she kind of likes the situation just as it is. I mean if nothing ever changed, I think she would probably be just fine with it. It’s as if she knows just how much hope to throw your way, with out committing anything of her own to the bargain. Or am I totally wrong?

If we look at this thing what do we see? She said she was working on the relationship then goes out of town and not only meets her lover; she spends the weekend in bed with him. So Ok, this is old news, but then she promises no contact and I think you realize that that’s not happening. But here’s what really scares me. I don’t think the OM really means anything to her. I’m getting the feeling that as long as she can flirt, cyber and just generally not work on the marriage, then she’s OK with staying with you. Worse yet, I get the feeling that she would think nothing of another little fling with some one new if the fancy struck her. It’s really a question of attitude.

If on the other hand you start making demands on her, asking her to really work on recovery and the marriage, she turns on you. Marital boundaries are LBs to her. If you ask that she behave like a W and mother, she throws the “you’re controlling” label at you. And so you, in fear of loosing your hard won position with her, don’t know how or where to draw that line in the sand so to speak. And she is so fine tuned to you that she can pick up on something as small as you not making her morning coffee to call you on! Yikes! This woman is scarey!

RW, I’m sorry to say that as your describe the situation, I don’t see any real change in her She was going to leave but instead changed up on you just enough to give you hope. And so there she is, safe and secure in foggy groggy land, having her cake and eating it to. So tell me, is my analysis wrong here?

Coach

I'm afraid I have to agree with coach on this one. She is keeping you in such limbo that you are not making any moves. She's giving you just enough hope to keep you from doing anything "drastic" like making her leave or commit to the marriage. My heart hurts for you.

Michele

Coach,

I'm with you 100%. Especially since I just got off the phone with her. I asked once again about the letter she's supposed to write me explaining why she loves me, yeah, I know I wasn't going to bring it up again. She said, she couldn't think of WHY she loves me, and further said I'm comfortable she guesses.

I think at our next counseling I'm going to ask if she's ready to make a 100% committment to the relationship, and if she's not then maybe we need to do the physical seperation until she makes her choice.

I told her my perception of the email she sent me that she had made her choice to commit 100% to the marriage, and I asked her if what she really meant was she was committed to actually working on it. She said yeah. There were more things said, which led me to believe we're doing all that can be done to work on things. We all know here, there are far more, and better things we can do than what little is being done.

I think to truely work on things we both need to be 100% committed to the relationship.

Ok, I'm seeing there being to possible outcomes still. She could actually be sincere, and of course not sincere.

After talking with a friend yesterday, I realized, even if I ask for the physical seperation, she won't go. The reason for this is, she would have to sign a lease somewhere and could cause her problems when she gets a job somewhere. That in itself is of no concern to me. I don't think it will be too much longer before she knows anything about the Lexington opportunity, and if it falls through, she's taking the South Carolina opportunity.

Now, she went to the gym when she got off work yesterday, and then went and cleaned her horse's stall. Well, no biggie really. When she got home, I was in the middle of getting DD(3) out of the bath tub and all dried off and ready for bed. We're talking within 2 minutes she's asked me if everything's ok. I'm like yeah, why? And she said because I hadn't said hi or anything. So, I responded with, sorry, was taking care of DD(3) and turned to her and gave her a hug and a kiss.

It's little things like that, that have me thinking it's actually possible she's sincere. But don't worry, I'm not getting my hopes up, or quitting my job and moving across the country unless things FEEL good. And they still don't.

As far as Plan B, she's leaving, it's just a matter of time. My friend suggested to me, since that's going to happen regardless of what I do, then just in case she is sincere, I should keep Plan A'ing, otherwise I could be shooting myself in the foot.

Well, surprise surprise, yesterday I asked her if we were doing anything for Date night this week, and she said I don't know.

She just called me and asked if I wanted to go see a movie. I said sure, which one? She replied King Arthur of course. Didn't get to talk long, she had to leave for a story, but I said I love you as I was getting off the phone, and she said, I know, then added, I love you too.

Does anyone else think I read too much into everything? Because to me, for her to respond that way, would definitly make it not a reaction, but at the same time, it felt like she was saying it for the reason Michele mentioned earlier.

All in all, I'm trying to put up my own walls of protection, in the event this is a false recovery. If I'm not mistaken, I believe that's called self preservation.

Anyway, at least I get to go see a movie! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

RW,

My belief is that one is not in recovery until they stop doing the things that caused the breakdown to begin with.

It greatly concerns me that she has not stopped the internet use. It's one thing to check email, check the weather, etc., but to continue doing what got her to the EA/PA in the first place shows no recovery effort in my mind.

I also can't get over the comment that she can't promise she'll never participate in cyber sex. HUGE red flag. If she is unwilling to commit to that, in my opinion, there is no hope for recovery.

She may be saying things you want to hear, but until her actions meet her words, I would be so careful, if I were you. I don't mean to sound gloomy, but I worry for you.

Comfort level is what she is going for. As long as she is comfortable and keeps you just comfortable enough not to do anything "drastic" she's eating the cake that she's got, so to speak.

Michele

I agree with you Michele. The problem I face is if I bring up she's not stopping what caused the EA/PA in the first place, she'll get defensive and say nothing she does is good enough and she is always wrong.

As a direct result of that, I need our counsler to point out to her what she's doing isn't healthy for ANY relationship. I intend for that and a few other things to be discussed at our next counseling this Wednesday.

Turns out, the editor for the paper in South Carolina asked WW to send him her references when he talked to her last Monday. She did. She used references from the paper where she's working now. One of them was her editor. He took her aside after he talked to the South Carolina editor and told her he had nothing but good things to say to her. He also told her he'd like to see her go to a paper that's still in the company. The Lexington KY paper is in the company and WW expressed she's trying for a position there. He told her he knows the editor there and will call him on Tuesday.

This is how WW expects things to happen. When she gets the job, she'll relocate and work on finding a place for us. I'm supposed to look for a job in the meantime while maintaining our current residence. WW advised Lexington is only 6 hours away and we can commute on weekends. She also mentioned she'd have her horse moved right away though.

Thing here is WW still hasn't verbally committed to the marriage 100%, so I know we're not in recovery. At this point, she'll be relocating at some point in the near future, of that I'm sure. I'm to the point, I'm just going to let her go.

The counselor told me in my last counseling to keep doing what she wants us to be doing and not worry about a job offer until it gets here. Well, my fear, is the things that need to be worked on before that won't be.

I have absolutely no intention of moving anywhere without feeling like we're really in recovery and she's no longer doing the things that are destructive to a relationship.

RW,
I know you've spoken w/ her about it before, and I can't believe she expects you to drop your life to follow while everything is unsettled like this. Proves how much of a fog she's in, I guess.
Keep up your efforts, and I hope the counseling goes OK, although from your trials & tribulations thus far I can't see her suddenly seeing the light or committing to anything that will disturb her little bubble of reality. I sincerely wish you luck though.

Thanks CS. I think I'm surprised at the stage of indifference I've reached. I know I love her, because how all these things make me feel when they happen.

If WW doesn't commit 100% prior to relocating and things REALLY feel like they're getting better, I'll have no choice but to Plan B.

This is one of those issues I plan to bring up in Counseling on Wednesday.

RW -

You have to talk to your wife and explain that you will not be able to go with her under the current conditions.

I was reading an article by Shirley Glass where she said that sometimes when people have a poor relationship with one parent, they marry someone who is strong and dependable. They don't want to repeat the relationship they had with the parent.

But after they get secure in the marriage, then they start to want to work through the relationship with the parent, and somehow make it right. So they have an affair with someone that is not safe and secure.

I think that is my husband. We have been going through this mess for 16 months. He would prefer to stay married to me (safety and security), but wants to spend all of his time with his girlfriend.

The guy even thought he could move in with me, and still continue on with the OW! And he wrote that out of "respect" to me, he was giving me a week's notice. Talk about foggy.

Sorry to threadjack. But I think your wife may be the same way. I think she would be quite content to live this way forever.

I think that's probably going to be brought up in counseling this Wednesday when the counselor finds out WW is very close to a new job.