Hi I'm pretty new to this forum.

My questions:

When to confront my Wayward Wife about her adultry?

Should I confront the Other Man?

Since he's just 19, should I confront his parents?

How much financial support should I offer? Minimum?

Is it time to switch to plan B?


Background:

Married 9 years and have 3 kids ... 1,4,7. I'm 31 and my wife is almost 29. The OM is 19 and in college. Wife is not employeed (stay at home mom). OM is a student.

Our marriage had ups and downs. 8 months ago I Started back into Graduate School (while working full time). She needed something to fill her time and started getting deep into the internet.

she met a guy and they hit it off. I now know that he pledged love her her almost 8 months ago.

Well, as you can guess, she began to spend more and more time online with him and I did the usual controling complaining things that a husband does when he feels he is being ignored or replaced. she was spending 8-12 hours a day online with him and other friends she had met... but mostly him.

about 30 days ago, things blow up. she tells me that she doesn't love me anymore and she wants to leave. I believe at that moment, our love accounts are at an alltime low. I went throught he usual cycle of begging, crying pleading ... to no avail. After a week or so of this, I ran into Homer McDonalds book where he gave some quick tips on how to improve things. I've often thought of his books as a first aid kit ... not real surgical material. Anyway with that suggestions in the book, I have been able to get the fighting out of the house and to improve communication, but we were chasing a second plan of action, separation.

A week ago, I learned just how serious she was about the OM. She took a trip to see him and another friend. It went from an Emotional Affair to a full Physical Affair.

She doesn't know that I know.

I went through the gambit of emotions, and I still do. There's hurt. There's loss. there's still love and there's repulsion. I still think that the ideal is for us to reconcile. I still want her back.

Yesterday I helped move my W out of the house. Very friendly and such. Very helpful. When I left for the evening she told me she loved me. I think she recongnizes several things I'm really good at in our relationship, but the OM clearly is filling her need for communication, appreciation and intimacy. He's the exciting one now.

I fear that the separation was a really bad idea. It gives her too much freedom to expand this fantasy. I know she plans a return trip to see him.

Part of me wants to keep things quiet about the affair. I have made some progress in the last 20 days or so. But she has also switched to a physical affair in this time period and I fear that he's way to appealing for me to compete with now.


Advice is appreciated!

Hello,

I am sorry for your pain. It is extremely important that the affair be exposed to the light of day. It is important that you contact this 19 year old and his parents and inform them that you know what is going on. In addition, you inform your wife of course and make her realize what the consequences of her action will be to her now and in the future if this continues.

She is having sex with this young man. Keeping quiet about this is the worst possible thing you can do. You are in fact enabling her to continue with the affair and accept the fact that she lies to you. The more sex she has with this guy without consequences the more involved she will become. Right now it is very romantic and in the fantasy world because everybody is keeping it quiet. Making everyone aware of the affair will lead to problems in that relationship which will hopefully get out of the fog. Again keeping it to yourself is absolutely the worst possible plan. Read up on site and they will tell you it is essential to make everyone aware of this ongoing affair. I wish you luck.

Bryan,

So by annuncing my knowledge, I show her that she is causing great pain to me. No longer can she have the fun and think nobody is getting hurt... and it will make her own up to her part in the failed marriage. Would you agree?


Funny, when she said we needed to separate, she said that she didn't know what would make her happy. It's been said, "wickedness never was happiness".

Thanks!

<small>[ April 06, 2004, 11:16 AM: Message edited by: 30HardDays ]</small>

Hi - Bryan is right - you need to expose the affair, you need to be honest with your wife that you know everything, the EA and the PA, that you are hurt, devastated but you still love her and want to make things work, that you understand this past year has been tough on her and that her needs have been neglected but you went to Graduate School so your family could have a better life. Tell her you want to work on your marriage but being apart is not going to work.

I would ask her to come back home - write a NC letter to the OM and agree to MC - Best of Luck
Sandy

Hello Again,

I agree with everything you said. I think you got it. By the way it is classic for a cheating spouse saying they wish to separate to think about things. What it does is allow them to see their lover without any problem. Again making it clear that you know and making others aware of it by exposing the affair to the light of day makes it far more difficult for the affair to continue. If the roles were reversed, do you honestly think your wife would have kept quiet about it? The bottom line is not to enable this affair and allow yourself to be a doormat.
No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. I wish you luck.

30

I'm sorry for what you are going through and want you to consider what bryan is saying.. but I really believe you made a mistake in helping her to move and not suffer any consequences.. I really think you need to expose her affair to family members to get her to face reality.. and you need to try to get her back home. If she is allowed to continue seeing this guy she wont want to work on things at home.. she is so deep into her fantasy world right now but given time both of them will have to face reality and she will begin to question what she is doing with a 19 year old..and she will wonder how she could leave her family for him..

If she seems to be wavering at all, now is the time to tell her to move back home and work on things in your marriage but first she has to tell the OM goodbye and begin NC (no contact)

Please keep posting and reading here.. Pick up a copy of the book After the Affair and seek counseling. The only way to get through this is for her to let go of her fantasy world and face what she has done..Good luck to you.

Wishing you all the best
Lmh

So is it time for Plan B or is that dependant on how the confrontation goes?

30,

No it is time for Plan A. Do a very good plan A and if the A doesn't end, Plan B will be much more effective. Bring the A to the light of day, it is unlikely it will end immediately since it has been going on for so long. But, do your best plan A, then if you start to feel you love dwindle, it will be time for plan B. It is harder with children, but it can be done.

One thing that you should do is be the best dad you can to your children. They are the link to your marriage so do as well as you can with your schedule.

30, this is NOT an overnight process so it will take a lot of time and patience on your part. So settle in and get a good grip, you are on the emotional rollercoaster whether you want to be or not.

God Bless,

JL

<small>[ April 06, 2004, 06:19 PM: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</small>