Getting some better here. Wife has always had a very hard time really expressing herself. I finally dug out of her what the reasons were for the whole thing. She said that it was my taking out frustrations on her from work. At first she said, she took it because my job is a pressure cooker. But, eventually I guess I made her my punching bag "verbally". I didn't realize I was doing that. I have a tendancy to "go off", I look back on it and know she's right.

But, now I think about it and it still makes me mad. If she would have just sat down and told me how it was making her feel, I know I would've stopped. I love her more than my own life. It would've slapped me into reality. She didn't tell me, she just backed away from me and found someone who would listen.

She gave up on me! She didn't give me the credit that I would even come around to see her point. Instead, this person became someone that she talked to all the time. I became suspicious of this person and I talked to her about it. She denied anything and said that she was just a friend, but she would back away from this guy > she never did. It just became a secret. She would meet him for lunches and things like that.

I went on a business trip a month ago and came home and after that we were even farther away from each other. She would stay on the computer all hours of the night. Would make day trips that were out of character for her. I became suspicous again, and confronted her and forbade any more contact with this guy. She agreed and we went on. But there was no change at all in her behavior.

About a week ago a family member of the OM came to me and gave me a handful of cards, emails and notes that he found and gave them to me. It was incontravertable! There was no way to deny what had happened between the two. I was looking at my wife's handwriting suggesting things that made my skin crawl. I almost threw up. I conftonted her about it and she began to lie, but after some more talking it came out and she confessed everything.

It's been a week and we are making progress. One day she'll cry, the next I will. But the one thing we have in common is that we still love each other and we love our children. We both want it to work. I'm leaving my job and moving away - far away. We're starting brand new in a new place, and we're both excited about it. I'm having to leave what I've worked for in my job for 15 years, but my marriage is worth it. She is sick about me having to give up so much, and she knows that it didn't have to happen. But, if I have a great job and lose my family, what good am I?

Keep us in your prayers!

There are many similarities in our circumstances I'm just a month or so and many peaks and vallies ahead of you. It can get better. I, like you, am lucky enough to have a WW that wants it work. In my case it took a while for the fog to lift but now that it has I see the light at the end of the tunnel and a lot of it is due to things I've learned from MB.

Hi,

I generally hang out on GQII but I'm venturing out today. I'd like to comment on a couple of things you said.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But, eventually I guess I made her my punching bag "verbally". I didn't realize I was doing that. I have a tendancy to "go off", I look back on it and know she's right.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can so easily understand your W's behavior, so maybe I can help you see where she's coming from.

Okay, you used her as a verbal punching bag. This doesn't feel good to the recipient and over time it wears down her self esteem. It also makes the punchee afraid of the angry person. Your wife was (and probably is) afraid of you to some extent. You can laugh and scoff and say "But I would never hurt her!" -- the truth of the matter is, you have hurt her, and greatly. What's more, she never knows when another verbal assault may be coming. She doesn't feel safe with you. She can't even protect herself by changing her behavior, because you're angry at your job, not her. She is the victim of your anger and has no power to change the situation.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But, now I think about it and it still makes me mad. If she would have just sat down and told me how it was making her feel, I know I would've stopped..... She didn't tell me, she just backed away from me and found someone who would listen. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Okay, so she is hurt, afraid, and skittish around you because you have taught her to be this way. She is fearful, and powerless. Can you see how hard it would be for her to come to you and tell you how unhappy she is and why? She's afraid of you! You've made it practically impossible for her to open up and be vulnerable around you. I've been in her shoes and it's a frightening, lonely, lost place to be.


Have you read up on Love Busters? I recommend you read it over and over and over! Then tell your wife what you've learned and what you're doing to change your habits and behaviors. Encourage her to fill out the questionnaire so you can see which of your LB have the most profound effect on her. When you see the answers and your blood boils <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> thank her sincerely for being honest with you, and giving you the information you need to make your M better.

I have great hopes for you two. For one thing, she was able to search within herself and tell you the truth about her reasons. I hope you thanked her for her honesty and made her feel safe and loved! For another thing, she says she wants the M to work and is excited about moving away with you.

So, it's all my fault?
Make no mistake... I am not an abusive husband by any stretch of the imagination. I have been working on how to handle my stress at work. I guess I always thought that a husband and wife could talk to each other about things they were going through at work. That they work things out together.

But she wouldn't talk to me.... then she had the affair.

You're right... I guess I had that coming, right?

Too much Oprah Winfrey!

help,
I posted to you on your other thread.

I'll repost here differently....

NOTHING.... NOTHING ....NOTHING....justifies an A. Not even a REVENGE A !

I will never faulter on that point. I can understand WHY...but never condone that behavior. Trust me...my FWH tried that one too when he was deep in FOG..but I quickly reminded him that boat had too many wholes and would never float.

If problems occur, and don't seem to be getting better, the choice is not an A...the choice is maybe filing for D or seperation. Sometimes that's all that is needed to wake up the spouse who has emotionally checked out.

The other thing I might let you know now...is your WW will NEVER know how much this hurt you. There are NO words, that can ever really put her in touch with the pain she's caused. Don't try, it's futile.

I know you're angry. I read it in your posts. If you don't vent, and I mean really VENT here and get a better handle on it...you might vent on your W...and you don't want that...well in some way I know you really DO want that, but that won't help either of you.

Remember, although your emotions are running wild....your ultimate goal is to save your marriage, you love your wife..remember that.