I just want myhusband to say that he did not have affairs, even though he could, because he loved ME, because I was the one that he did not want to hurt, not the other husband.

How would this help you recover from the fact that you had an affair?

Edited to add:

Be careful ~ you do not paint yourself into a corner... you are about to imply that you DID have an affair because you did NOT love your husband!!!

Be careful.

Pep

<small>[ October 05, 2004, 12:11 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Wow, you really like to read WHATS NOT between the lines!! I am talking about my husband, not myself. My reasons were not lack of love for my husband, there were many factors involved and he knows them all.
So the implication that you are stating here, is not valid!
I have loved my husband all my life and I still do!!
I am a different kind of person from my husband, and he knows this too. My reasons were others, completely different than lack of love for him <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

<small>[ October 05, 2004, 11:04 AM: Message edited by: Myrta ]</small>

OK, it goes without saying that I would not want to hurt my wife--- that is a given. But, I also recall a distinct dislike for the idea of doing harm to the potential BH.

As to the allure- heck- I was tempted and it was all the result of what I thought was innocent flirting. But, whenever the potential WW said something undesirable about the potential BH I was turned off. That is how I feel, that is the truth!

I also realized that if I ever became an OM at one point I would have to say something undesirable about my wife and I could never do that. In a sense those two things made me STOP! It was not religion or the fact that I am Mr. Morality. I simply did not like the idea of hurting others.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Myrta:
Wow, you really like to read WHATS NOT between the lines!!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">~LOL~ Myrta!

Thanks for that one <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Pep

He had plenty of opportunities to having affairs, but he always stop himself short of having them, because of his consideration for the OM. Not because he loves me, and would not want to hurt me. Just because he did not want the husband to look like a fool!!
How considerate!!!!

I think the best reason for NOT having an affair is because one loves his / her self enough to avoid choosing degrading ways to deal with stress and disappointment in life.

An affair is a self-loathing decision, in my opinion. it has very llittle to do with how much one loves or does not love their spouse, but has a great deal to say about how one loves and respects the integrity of the self.

What do you think?

Pep

<small>[ October 05, 2004, 11:18 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Sgt Pepper:

I guess I write these things to try to understand. From my perspective NOTHING makes sense. It is a helpless feeling and the sad thing is that things cannot be changed. I keep having ups and downs and simply seek answers.

I ask myself why Myrta did this and how come I did not do it. I want to know how a person falls in love when married to someone else. I just cannot imagine that! Cerri said that some folks fall in love very easily whereas others don’t----- I can buy that! But, I still cannot understand how Myrta fell in love.

<small>[ October 05, 2004, 11:34 AM: Message edited by: Stanley568 ]</small>

Hmm, I think it should be CommanderPepper! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
I really think ,that is the main reason why people have affairs. Because of the lack of self respect. That was something that I grew up with. All around me, I just saw disrespect between my parents my older sisters,etc. Of course that does not excuse having my affair. But I think that really influenced the way I saw life and right and wrong!
My husband tried to change me, to be a better person, but I guess this far after being married, my TRUE bad self came out!

Stanley, well, gotta jump on this one. I am like you, exactly. I have had many opportunities to have an affair, but never did. Mainly because I loved my husband, but also because I would always think about the OP's wife. I AM a religious person, and have always applied the golden rule -"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

My husband decided to cheat with a woman whose husband was in Iraq, defending our country. My WH was always proud of being a veteran. And he used to always treat everyone right.

It is beyond me how he could justify his decision to hit on another man's wife. It is so out of character for him. But he firmly maintains that he is an honorable man. YUCK!

My husband tried to change me, to be a better person,

That's not possible, H cannot change you. You are a better person than you care to own up to at the moment. It's more thrilling to beat yourself up with a stick ... Your level of "badness" isn't so bad.

but I guess this far after being married, my TRUE bad self came out!

Now you're being silly! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I think your true self is only beginning to find her voice, but you are a little afraid of all her power!

Pep

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think the best reason for NOT having an affair is because one loves his / her self enough to avoid choosing degrading ways to deal with stress and disappointment in life.
An affair is a self-loathing decision, in my opinion. it has very little to do with how much one loves or does not love their spouse, but has a great deal to say about how one loves and respects the integrity of the self.
What do you think?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It makes sense and it explains why the image of my wife was not present when I decided that having an affair was unsavory. The only image that came to mind was of a husband who was in a wheelchair suffering from MS.

As for Myrta, she has done great considering the circumstances. She did not have the greatest childhood and nevertheless became a good person. I consider her GOOD despite all of this. If you met her you would see a ton of great qualities and I would never let her go. I write the way I do to understand and feel better about all this mess.

Sgt Pepper:

Thanks for your succinct and to the point remarks!

CIAO!

Myrta:

Sgt Pepper made very good points!

When I feel down I tend to write to see if I can find a way to feel better. As you know I still deal with the affair everyday. As much as I don’t want------ there is the feeling that I completely failed as a husband. The two people involved in the affair rationalize that they have to do whatever they do because of my shortcomings as a husband. In other words OM gives WW what she does not get from H. I saw comments like that in the emails I intercepted. So on a daily basis I feel like a failure and my self-esteem goes down.

Sgt Pepper gave me a good point of view as to why I never had an affair. It had nothing to do with you Myrta! I would not have an affair with a married woman even if I were single. So in a sense you were not a factor in the decision. By the same token perhaps I can conclude that you had an affair for reasons that have nothing to do with me. I have suspected this for a long time even though you keep saying that you were neglected. To be honest---- at the time it all started you were not neglected or taken for granted.

MYRTA, I HAVE AQUESTION. THIS IS A DIFFICULT ONE AND THERE IS NO EASY WAY OUT:

Your OM was separated---- in other words--unattached. Whenever you had to call there was no need to do it at certain hours or days. There was no need to worry about a wife lurking in the background. You could visit anytime, there were no restrictions like OM had to endure with you.

1. If OM was married ----- Would you have the affair anyway? Would that make a difference?

<small>[ October 05, 2004, 01:00 PM: Message edited by: Stanley568 ]</small>

STANLEY--- <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
I do think that would had make a diffference!!! I would ask him once in a while , if he wanted to work things out with his wife and I would get out of the picture. That would had bothered me greatly, yes.
Now, I have a question for you Stanley!
If those women that wanted to have affairs with you had been single? No Husband to hurt, would you had sex with them? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Myrta

I do think that would had make a diffference!!! I would ask him once in a while , if he wanted to work things out with his wife and I would get out of the picture. That would had bothered me greatly, yes.

What is it about MM betraying his own wife that bothers you ? Why would commiting adultery within another person's marriage not be OK for you, however betraying your own marriage seemed OK at the time? Why the different standards in conduct?

I don't understand.

Pep

SGT PEPPER!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
OH MY!!! YOU LOVE THIS!!! READING BETWEEN LINES!
At the time I was having the affair, I did not bellieve I was wrecking my marriage.
Also, I would not want to deal with another woman (wife)calling me, and asking me whats going on. If that had been the case, NO AFFAIR, would had happened!!
I repeat it again, when i was in the affair, it was the furthest thing from my mind, that my marriage would end or be in j eopardy. I thought my husband would never found out, and no one would be hurt. It was like a kid that steals something or gets a cookie when he is not supose to. I thought there were not going to be any consecuences to my acts. But there are consecuences to everything, but I found out TOOOOOO LATE!

MYRTA

Originally posted by Myrta:
SGT PEPPER!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
OH MY!!! YOU LOVE THIS!!! READING BETWEEN LINES!

Are you normally quick to anger? Why are you angry? I ask questions when I don't understand something...

At the time I was having the affair, I did not bellieve I was wrecking my marriage.
Also, I would not want to deal with another woman (wife)calling me, and asking me whats going on. If that had been the case, NO AFFAIR, would had happened!!

This is what I think you are saying... An A with an unattached man is safer and less likely to be exposed. Correct?

I thought my husband would never found out, and no one would be hurt.

Did you ever wonder if YOU might be hurt?

It was like a kid that steals something or gets a cookie when he is not supose to. I thought there were not going to be any consecuences to my acts. But there are consecuences to everything, but I found out TOOOOOO LATE!

It's not too late... I see lots of hopefulness in your situation.

Pep

PEPPERBAND--No,no, I am not angry <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I am just amazed that you always managed to get in between what is not written.
No, I did not think I would get hurt, but I did... BIG TIME!
Yes, I do think having an affair with an unattached man or woman is easier and less risk for being exposed! Less people involved.
And thank you for your vote of confidence in my marriage! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

MYRTA

Myrta said:


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Now, I have a question for you Stanley!
If those women that wanted to have affairs with you had been single? No Husband to hurt, would you had sex with them? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Myrta, I told San San in another thread that both men and women are programmed to have more than one partner. That is nature’s way of preserving the species. I guess in the right circumstances I could seek another mate. You know me quite well and you would immediately recognize something different in my face if I had a relationship with another woman. SO the answer is:

1. I could not have a relationship with another woman while I am with you. I don’t have the tools and the knowledge to pull that one.
However, I guess I could have sex with another woman if there was no deceit. IMO, there is no such thing. However, I am human and in the right circumstances I could do it. I do not profess to be better than you or anyone else.

Myrta, I don’t blame your desire or curiosity to see what is like to have sex with another mate. I have the same sensations you do. My problem has to do with the lying and manipulation of the spouse to accomplish the goal. As you said one must be mischievous and perhaps it may all sound like harmless fun at the onset, however, once the brain chemistry changes is lights out.

I am just amazed that you always managed to get in between what is not written.

It's a gift (maybe a curse?) ~LOL~

... I am an annoying old lady sometimes! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />


No, I did not think I would get hurt, but I did... BIG TIME!

*bingo*

I think the person who suffers the worst hurt is the one who had the affair.... even if it does not seem like it at the beginning.... (NEVER argue this point with a newly wounded BS.... it will not make sense to that person until years later)

The loss of self-respect and self-love is recoverable Myrta. It is!

My H is a very good example of someone who recovered from the worst mistake of his life... My H's A was a moral low point. His A was with the wife of his life-long friend. How low can you go?

But, Myrta, my H did not recover his self respect by any blame shifting of his mistake. He took it on the chin, all the responsibility. And by doing this, he then accepted the power to change himself.

I think this *side-bar* discussion ---> "H did not have an affair because he did not want to hurt any other married man, but he should have not had an affair for another reason... that he loves me."

STOP THE INSANITY! (remember that crazy blond woman on those infomercials... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

The issue is NOT why your H did NOT have an A... the issue is, what are you going to do to fix your marriage? To heal your wounds? To restore intimacy in your marriage? What are your weaknesses? How can you protect your marriage from this day forward?

Stop going sideways.... it's a waste of your energies.

Take your responsibility for your affair square on the chin, and thereby grabbing the power of recovery....

You cannot fix what you will not acknowledge.

It's not "easy" ... but it is simple.

((( hugs )))

Pep

PEPPERBAND!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
Oh, I do acknowledge my mistake, a huge mistake. The thing is what can I do to restore my marriage?
Since you already been there, done that, you can give me good pointers in what for me to do and for my husband to do as well.
So, I am going to assume, you just realized how much your husband suffered by his mistake? More than you? Less than you? The same? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
What do you recommend I change in myself? How I think,how I see things, everything? I am already grown, an adult, do you think it is really possible to change at this stage of my life? I am already 49 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> a bit too old to change my ways. How can you reform an old person?
By the way, Sgt>Pepper? how come you never appeared to be logged on? I see everyones name but yours! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
Thanks

MYRTA

P.S. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO BE MY ADVISER
SINCE JL, FORGOT ABOUT ME!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Oh, I do acknowledge my mistake, a huge mistake. The thing is what can I do to restore my marriage?

Is there anything you have said that you are NOT willing to do?


Since you already been there, done that, you can give me good pointers in what for me to do and for my husband to do as well.
So, I am going to assume, you just realized how much your husband suffered by his mistake? More than you? Less than you? The same?

Can't compare suffering of 2 individuals. And who cares who suffered the most? It's not a contest where we keep score, is it? Isn't it enough to recognize your H-love is hurting, and you want to comfort him when possible?


What do you recommend I change in myself?

You go first. I don't know you. Pick something you think you need to change, and then ask the board how to begin.

I am already grown, an adult, do you think it is really possible to change at this stage of my life? I am already 49 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> a bit too old to change my ways. How can you reform an old person?

shaddup ya little squirt! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> I am 55 !


By the way, Sgt>Pepper? how come you never appeared to be logged on? I see everyones name but yours!

In the profile set up, it is one of the options to remain invisible.

Pep


P.S. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO BE MY ADVISER
SINCE JL, FORGOT ABOUT ME!!

No way JL is much more gentle than I am... trust me! I can be as blunt as a kicking mule.

I tend to speak my mind,and I respect the same level of honest straight-forward replies from you. We might not be a good "fit".

Pep