Hah, I’d love to tell S_ to post here. But you and I just had that conversation about being told what to do, didn’t we.

S_ doesn’t like this “MB Place” all that much. She reads some posts I print out for us to talk about, but even that is becoming old for her lately.

You and Stanley have developed a pretty good ongoing dialog here. S_ and I dialogue a lot using Retrouvaille techniques. So it’s not like we don’t communicate. Funny thing is, we used to communicate well about everything. Or so I thought.

It’s as if this A snuck up on her 10 years ago and then she developed this double secret life. She stopped communicating about most everything after that.

Thanx for the good wishes. Same to you and Stanley.

T

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Originally posted by Myrta:
First of, I do not like my husband or ANYONE to tell me, what to do or not to do. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Marriage happiness / satisfaction is greatly increased when both spouses use a fair system of negotiating solutions to disagreements.

The goal is to find win / win solutions.

Dr. Harley has such a system, POJA.
Negotiation via POJA

Harley also believes that a culture that encourages beliefs of self-centeredness as a way to happiness... is destroying marriage.

How self-centeredness destroys marriage

Please read and consider both concepts as a way to make your home and marriage equally comfortable for both spouses.

Pep

Pepperland:

I will pinch hit for Myrta on this one. She is not self centered---- she tends to be the opposite and goes the extra-mile for others, however, she is not a classic codependent either. However, everyone that knows her sees an unselfish person who is not into material stuff. She has often return many gifts from me because she finds then to be expensive.

However, she can be stubborn and sometimes her reactions are difficult to read. Such as getting rid of all notes and letters of the affair in D-day because they had a high sentimental content and holding on to a T-shirt and flannel pants she used around the house. It would seem she had romantic attachment to the latter, but I don't think she did.

I agree with you 100% that selfishness is the root of most evil in the world as well as the break-up of marriages.

After my H ended his A he let me destroy a Seiko watch that the OW gave him. It was kind of ceremonial thing. He was willing to get rid of anything that she had given him, without a second thought.

I believe it is selfish and wrong to hold onto any gift or reminder of your A after you have agreed to recover your marriage. This is especially true if your having these things is a trigger for your H.

Sometimes it is difficult to read some of a WS's rationalizations for continued self behavior.

Myrta - Are you still around? I haven't posted lately because you and your husband seem to be doing well.

Believer!!! Oh yes, I am still around. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
Lots of controversies surrounding me here. It seems like I am the "persona non-grata" here now.
Yes, we are doing better, I think. I am trying to talk as much as possible to my husband , answering his questions and doubts.
I hope you are doing well . Anything new with your husband and the OW?
Take care!
Myrta

No Myrta - you are a shining example of how a FWW should behave. Nothing new with me and WH. Same old, same old. So hang in there dear.

Believer---No,no, please, I cannot be a shining example, maybe a bad example....But,no, please, I dont behave like anyone here, I am not worth "anyone's time, according to some.

Take care of yourself!
Myrta <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Myrta - Ignore anyone who says anything different. You ARE a shining example. We at MB love you very much, and have lots of hope for your marriage and family.

Believer--------- <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> You make me want to cry, because you are always, always being so positive with me. Since the beginning of me posting here, you gave me such good ,positive feedback. I really admire you for having such positive outlook after everything you being thru.
Wow, you deserve the best! I am sure you will have it soon!!

Thanks
Myrta

Myrta,

I don’t want you to leave.

T

THOS- <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Really??
No, I dont want to leave MB, because I know it is good to talk about this with others that are going thru the same problems. Plus, I know, my husband appreciates that I am here. Here, I can express more, than when I am talking to him. I am much more "talkative"here than in person. In person, I get really intimidated with the magnitude of my pass actions.
How is your wife and the painting she wants to keep? Anything new? Is she thinking about getting rid of it?
I hope so! If not now, later on, eventually she will probably do it.
Take care
Myra

Myrta

How are you today?

I’m just taking a break from housework.11.30pm here in Perth right now ……lol
The house has been over run with young nieces and nephews who love to come and see Uncle Aussie and of course my daughter goes all ga ga over the 5 year olds . Don’t even think of kids yet my girl… <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Mmm that new man of hers just looks too nice & too serious ………. I keep telling her 18 is too young to get married these days but you know kids!! Did you or I listen???

Anyway been ironing Aussies uniforms in just the ‘right’ way as he goes back to the regiment on Monday. That means no more lunches together, no going to & from work together…..,,I’ll miss that.

How has all been at your place? Has Stanley been feeling well? I wondered how he was going after he & Aussie were talking .
That was the time Aussie was just asking questions day in day out. I know how they want it all and deserve to know, but I don’t think they understand how hard it is to talk easily about the affairs and all the details. It makes me feel so unclean and I have to force myself to keep going..

Have you been going ok through this last week? You do sound so strong and determined not to accept anything until you are happy with it all. I think that is great! At least when you do that YOU feel right about it!!
The thing I notice here is some, especially the men, seem to not give you any time to actually assimilate the information and suggestions that are made. I at least need to sit & think on what is said and evaluate what it means to me.

So a few days ago I screwed up my courage & I did give Aussie ALL the details as I could remember them & he’s been very quite and avoiding me since. He got a phone call today and went all secretive shutting himself into the study, any other time before my affair he would have just walked around the house while he talked. Doesn’t really trust me in anything at all right now.

Guess it’s a bit of waiting game right now to see how it all going to go. Up or down

AW--I hope you are doing well, I know it was not easy for you to tell your husband the details and know to feel rejected all over again. It will get better, he has to assimilate the information. He has to accept the information, he has already forgiven you, and he loves you very much. You will make it, because there is a lot of love in your marriage, even after...
Your daughter wants to get married? REally? thats way to young for now a days. I got married at 18 but those were different times, the 70s!. She needs to live first on her own. She will see that!
AW---I feel really bad, with things here lately, I mean in MB, not my home <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ....I dont know how it escalated so much, but so many people (men especially,yes)hate me. Harsh words had been exchanged between JL and myself ,between TMCM and myself too. I dont know,,,how it got like this anymore. But I dont like it. I am sorry because I offended some, was really not my intention, but I was pushed to do so. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
My husband and your Aussie dont exchange posts anymore I've noticed. I guess they got what they got what they wanted from each other already. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
My husband has his ups and downs. This morning he seemed kind of angry with me, when he left for work, even though he told me everything was fine. I read his posts to SadWW and I see his frustrations. Will we ever put this behind us??? I hope so!!
Take care!
Where exactly do you live??

Myrta

Hi Myrta

First I dont believe ANYONE could hate you!! They might disgaree with you but I can't see anyone hating you. I don't think you have a mean bone in your body. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Does my D want to get M?? I suspect she is thinking about it a bit too much with this latest boyfriend. They go looking at rings and things and I get nervous....lol
However Aussie says he can't marry her until he graduates from Duntroon Miltary college as an officer ... I don't know if thats worse or not. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
I hope she gets to live with some girlfriends first & has some innocent fun for goodness sake.

Well Uni starts in February for her so maybe it will distract her for a while... I hope.

Aussie, well I hope he loves me still, even a bit. I have had no ILU's since this all began which is understandable but very hard to accept.
I don't think Aussie has been doing much serious posting for a little while, he seems to be on a semi permanent 'gone fishing' right now, on everything <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Have to admit I am a bit uneasy with his attitude as it seems to be a sudden turn a round from what was going on before......... suppose it will pass.

Yes I know what you mean about the big mood swings our H seem to have. I see the suppressed anger there all the time so I see he's trying not to LB me at all, but its hard to know how he will react.
I'm sure STanley is in the same boat, not wanting to say anything nasty when he feels like yelling & screaming. My MC says this is normal for the BS to go through this see saw of emotions but it will ease off. Boy do I hope she is right.

Aussie & I live in Perth In Western Australia in Australia. Its our spring time here and we are looking t a pretty hot summer I think this year.
But it's lovely here right now.

Make sure you look after yourself Myrta as well through all of this. I found I was getting ill not looking after myself and that was not going to help anyone.

I don't think this will ever be over as such. It will most likely just fade and melt into the background of our lives. Hopfully we will be stronger & wiser, and with our husbands.

Ladies,

I know you are wondering why your BHs want so much information. I think the problems in their minds are: "How did this happen? What did OM do that was so great? (And most important) How can I prevent this from ever happening again?" Unless he knows the facts, he cannot come to grips with how to protect himself from more hurt from you.

Yes, Myrta, really. For the very reasons you wrote down yourself. Plus, I like to read your posts. I see you opening up, becoming much more than you were during your A. You might just be on your way to becoming the person God wants you to be.

It is a joy to contemplate.


T

Thos--YOu are right about opening up. Since coming to MB, I can see that I am so similar to other women going thru the same. And my husband can see that his reactions and ups and downs are very normal for what HE is going thru. We are much better as a couple since getting so much feedback from everyone.
I do hope you will convince your wife to come and post. Just tell her to do it once and if she does not like it, then she has the choice to leave. She might like it and get hooked! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Take care.

Myrta