Last month, on our youngest's birthday, not only the OW but also her next door neighbor gave her gifts. Around the same time, the OW started buying clothes for the kids - I asked the kids to leave them at her house to wear there - my H insisted that he could buy the kids clothes anytime he wanted to, and I wasn't to object. I assured him that HE could buy them all the clothes he wanted. <P>He took the kids over to her house the day after Christmas. When my kids came home, a couple of them said that all the presents they got, with the exception of one from the OW's son to my son, said "from Dad". I don't know what, if anything, that means. <P>

Nellie,<BR>Not sure what that means, either. But it sounds good! I bet it made your kids feel better also.<BR>TNT

TNT,<BR>My son actually seemed a little surprised that this second "Christmas" was not much of a big deal - but it was interesting that the first thing he said to me after his father left was that the presents had all been signed by his father.<P>He took the kids to dinner tonight, and our ten year old started crying at dinner, and wouldn't tell him why. When she came home she started crying again, gave me a hug, and said that she was sad at dinner because she missed me.<P>My H has made a point of saying goodbye to each of the kids when he leaves, ever since one of them got upset because he forgot to say goodbye. He seemed disappointed tonight when none of the kids was paying attention when he went to leave - sometimes I wonder if he thinks they don't care anymore.<p>[This message has been edited by Nellie1 (edited December 28, 1999).]

My ex is super-sensitive about the way the kids treat him. He even told me the youngest didn't seem to love him anymore. What gets me is that he can't see that his actions caused all this. An affair just makes them idiots!<P>AD

Nellie,<P>The affair and his leaving IS going to affect his relationship with the kids - they will always know that he chose to leave, even though them may still continue to love him. It is one of the consequences of his choice to leave....<P>They may not act like they ar enoticing that he is giving htem individual goodbyes, but I think this is very goo for him to do to help repair some of the hurt, especially with the older ones.<P>Roll me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

already divorced,<BR>My H hasn't spoken to our 17 year old in months, because she won't speak to him. He left a Christmas card for her with money, and a note that said he had a present for her that he would give her if she asked for it. Just like his leaving is all my fault, the problems in his relationship with this daughter is all her fault, according to him.<P>Roll Me Away,<BR>I don't think the hurt can ever be repaired, even slightly, if he doesn't come back. Maybe they will eventually stop missing him, but in order for that to happen they will have to stop loving him. If the two oldest feel any love for him, they certainly hide it well.

Nellie,<P>It just breaks my heart to keep hearing no light at the end of the tunnel for your older kids and their father.<P>I wish he could understand how he has hurt them, and what they expect from him now. Would they be willing to journal their feelings about their dad and his behaviors toward them?<P>I still think that there is hope for him as a dad, if he is trying to be sensitive by not putting OW's name on the gifts, and him signing the cards himself.<P>tnt<P>

TNT,<BR>It breaks my heart too, but the older kids basically want nothing to do with him. They have said they no longer have a father. In their eyes, the relationship with their father is not just damaged - it is dead and buried.