It's been a long time since I've been here. Almost 4 years to the day since my wife's second affair. Since then we've been divorced, made up, dated, engaged, married and now separated... and we all know where that leads.

I don't know anything for sure this time except she's suddely very unhappy w/ me, already moved out and quit wearing her wedding band on the correct finger today. And she's spent an unusual amount of time at work, but as far as I know she was at work.

The craziest thing is even she says it's only been since New Years. But it's bad.

Signs are there, but nothing solid at all and it's that d@mned gut feeling and of course the knowledge that she's done this at least 2 times before (admitted to) over the past 13 years. Oh and she's planning a trip out of town when she's not so busy at work in 3 weeks.

I don't want to rush into a divorce, but it hurt so bad and for so long last time. I can't put myself or my 2 kids through this extended pain again.

I just love her so much... but I hate this so much more. Right now I would do anything to save our marriage. But part of me doesn't and I hope that part grows. If I just knew for sure there was someone else I could give up. But our recent happiness keeps my heart open.

I really believe I did the best I could trusting her again, giving her very fair boundries(really not fair to me), and not checking up on her. I can give examples like me asking her what time she'll be home and she getting defensive about it... NOT asking her to be home at a certain time but asking when she'll be home.

This is already turning much longer than I meant for it to be <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

But all in all, this isn't nearly as painful for me as last time. Don't get me wrong, it hurts like hell, but it goes in waves and the bad pains don't last long. And this time I haven't forgotton then remembered that we're apart. It was so weird last time... I would wake up or just momentarily forget we were apart. And then I'd remember, god it would hurt, it was like I found out for the first time over and over.

My biggest worry is for the kids of course. My son was too young to remember much and my daughter did't get along with her mom the last time. But now, it was really great, all aspects of our marriage(as far as I knew) and family, and now boom. Sorry kids, mom and dad are splitting up.

Oh well, I have the house and kids. What more could I want.

I'm really sorry to ramble on like I have. Just posting to my normal message boards would probably be a buzz kill to many readers... any RUSH fans out there? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I also wanted to say hello, again. I hope I don't need this board alot, but is good to know that I'm with people who understand.

If you've taken the time to read this thank you. Sorry for the bad grammer.

Oh had to add... she doesn't want to do counseling. Says she'd be going through the motions but that's it.

<small>[ January 22, 2005, 03:29 AM: Message edited by: kb4jb ]</small>

Sorry that you have to be back here. I can't imagine going through what you have. I am having a tough time dealing with my own sitch. I am also so sorry for your kids. I felt the same way about mine. My H and I were always very loving, and after he told me, I thought what would my daughters say if I just suddenly left. Would they always blame me for not trying? wouldn't they wonder how mommy and daddy could be so perfect one minute and divorced the next? I still don't know.
I am really sorry that she doesn't want to go to counceling. If you want it to work, I would suggest that you keep trying to get her there. I read that most couples who do not go through it end up divorced. I hope I am wrong, but thought you might want to know.
I would definitely keep posting here, especially while you are going through this initial pain. I have found tremendous help. My thoughts will be with you.