My H is a sweet, caring and sensitive man who always try to accomodate my needs. He helps me in my work, he gives me support and encouragement and he plans for many sweet surprises for the past seven years we've been together. He is the role model husband in the eyes of our friends. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

He is an extrovert whereas I'm more homely. He told me only 2 mths ago; he gave up most of his activities after we're married and hat he had been sweeping his needs under the carpet and did not want to tell me for fear that I may get upset.

I also found out two months ago, about 6-8 months ago, he got to know this girl at work. He told me the OW said she didn't mind if he stays married. He admitted that he did like her and saw alot of similarities in them. But he had a hard time coping with lies and guilt.

He broke it off with the girl soon after the A came into light. But at the same time, he wanted a seperation for the two of us to "sort out his thoughts".

He said, although the A did not amplify our existing problem (incompitability / see things differently). It brought him back to himself. He missed the freedom he had before the marriage.

I've been back at my parents' more than a month. Occassional contacts through text msgs and met up three times. He said he still loves and misses me lot (I do too) but I'm beginning to feel the distance and the wall building up between us as day goes by. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I read some good books. Hoping to put some ideas into actions. But do not want to rush into it as well because he is unsure of his direction now.

Questions now are:

1. Should I just leave him alone for the time being? I'm feeling insecure. The longer we're seperated, the lesser things we have to talk to each other (that's how i feel) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

2. Should I just move back and take concrete action suggested in some books? I'm afraid by rushing him into it, it will push him off sooner.

Someone pls helpppp...i'm at my wits' end.

Though I'm still new at this and can't offer much in the way of advice, I strongly recommend reading all of the material on the site. It sounds like you need to go into Plan A (other, more experienced, MBers will have more to say, I'm sure).

I wish you all the best!

C

bump

So Lost I am sorry you are here and in this situation.

First of all, you need to really listen to him and what he was saying that he has not felt himself for a long time. Why was he putting his interest aside? As I found out the hard way, I realized that all my hobbies and interest were put off because my husband never really let me or encouraged me to continue them. Sounds harsh but I was putting more common ground into his interest and ignoring mine. That took away from who I am. I never realized how unhappy that was making me. I felt like there was something missing in my life. Do you think he might feel the same?
I would recommend reading the book His Needs/Her Needs.

But what I don't understand is why would he say that you might get upset?

As for the separation, I would ask him if there is a chance to get into MC. You both need to sit down and decide what the separation is for. Is it to help the M. come together or is it to slowly end it? I know what you are going through. My husband cheated on me and I realize now that was not the reason for us to be divorcing. We are currently living with a convenient marriage. But his behavior and what has been going on in the last 5 years or so. So basically it was the icing on the cake. Affairs don't happen when a marriage is successful. I would really recommend IC for you and MC for the both of you. Then in MC you both can decide is this M is worth keeping.

Move back in (it is your house, too, after all) and go into Plan A. You will find details in the links contained in my signature line link. Plan A is really designed for someone whose spouse is involved in an affair (I'm not sure his is really over...), but in any event, it can also be used to try to convince a spouse to re-commit to a marriage.

Beyond that, read up on the Policy of Joint Agreement, and try to implement it as much as possible. That will mean communicating with him extensively about what he wants, and really listening to his answers.