Several months ago my husband told me he never was "in love" with me, but has a deep, abiding, familial love for me. But he wants more. He says he's gone most of his life without having the full "in love" experience and he wants to have other relationships. Ideally, for him, he wants to continue our friendship and family (we have several children) and be happy together--but he has decided firmly to have other relationships.

Obviously, I've had a roller coaster of emotions. I felt like I could either accept what he wanted (as horrible as it was to me) or leave (even worse for our family. And I do love him and feel loved by him.)

He's had a relationship with a woman (a psychiatrist, no less, though not his) that has intensified over the past 4 months. I knew he was involved with her and that the relationship was progressing. Oh, did I mention she's engaged and her fiance is clueless about what is going on? And she thinks that I am clueless? Though, my husband has been very open and honest with me, in the attempt to keep our relationship at some "good" level.

Today they got a hotel room and had sex. They'd been intimate before, kissing and petting. But I kept hoping my husband would get disillusioned before they crossed this line.

But they didn't, and I know it was romantically and sexually satisfying to my husband. She's declared her love for him, and my husband gets giddy whenever she's around. I so, so, so much wanted my husband to change his mind and see that this affair wasn't REALLY what he wanted.

So what do I do now?

And I feel guilty because I feel like I am "conspiring" with him to have this affair. I knew he was getting a hotel room today. I "pretend" that I don't know anything when I'm around his girlfriend. And I'm trying to "accept" things in the attempt to keep something of our relationship. And I feel so guilty that I'm "helping" him instead of drawing a firm boundary like "stop this or lose me."

Purchase and read "Surviving an Affair".

Pay particular attention to the parts covering the dynamics of an affair, EXPOSURE, and PLAN A.

This is your starting point. Until you get the book, read all over this website, consult your MD for some AD's and get ready to go to work.

Keep posting here for advice and support. It's a wonderful site for what you (and most all of the rest of us here) are going through.

Best wishes,
SD

Sorry to read this unfortunate situation.

Even psychiatrist's can be in a fog when it comes to common sense.

Did he come right out at tell you that he had "romantic sex" with her?

The question for you is what do you want? What concerns me is that people get the idea that people should stay together for their children. My opinion is that if the parents are unhappy, then the children are going to see and sense this and model that as what a marriage should be. Because that is their normal. If a couple is having hard times and are still deeply in love with each other and they want to work it out, than the is a different story. Then the children are learning a great deal of responsibility. Regardless. I guess it works both ways....!

Did you talk to your husband about the ABC's to why he feels this way? I can understand what your husband is saying because that is how my husband viewed me. I felt like I was just there so he settled for what he could get. I guess we had that "familiar" love. I met my husband very early on and I didn't know didly. I thought I did!

I am not so sure what a "good level is" Who the heck is he fooling? Does this man want his cake and eat it too?

I am not sure if Plan A would work for you. Any suggestions here? Maybe start to plan B. If he security is threaten, maybe he would reconsider. But is that what you want knowing what he said?

Laughing here because I find it commical that he can be so open with you and not to expect to hurt you in anyway <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

So if you are not in counseling, I highly recommend you do. This is going to be one heck of a ride for you.

I wish there was more I can say. Your husband is almost like mine. Clueless. But it took me two long years to figure it out really. He made me open my eyes to see what I was missing in my life.
So in ways, I thank him. I know sounds absurd!
I think we are attached because of the history and that is it! So you may want to think about what you need from him and what you are missing too.

Keep posting and let us know! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Ali~

<small>[ February 09, 2005, 07:49 PM: Message edited by: Ali88 ]</small>

Yes, I think you are enabling his A if you don't expose it. Is there any way you can contact her fiance? He has a right to know before he marries her. What about his family and boss? Then the next steps are a request for no contact between them. Then if that fails, go to Plan B.

<small>[ February 10, 2005, 07:22 AM: Message edited by: SAB ]</small>