My spouse continues to have contact with the OP inspite of my requests to end it. She says it is friendship but I have found a note from OP saying love. Wife says she wants to work on our marriage but not give up 1-3 hours per week in person(in public setting) with OP. We're 3 months past DD and I am losing patience and not doing well building her love bank -- I can't get past her insistence to keep him as a "friend". She has stopped calling him secretly -- reducing calls from 3 to 8 hours per month to less than an hour for their volunteer work. She says I am "badgering" her, controlling her, ect. We're somewhat stuck. Every time I bring up OP, she explodes with anger -- saying that it is us, not him that is the problem. I want to work on us, but cannot understand her belief that it is okay to maintain this "friendship". Question: Do I (re) confront OP and tell his wife, whom I believe does not know? I am hoping that OP might back off if his wife was aware. I am sure this will anger my wife further, but a talk with OP's wife and him may expose this for what it really is and possibly force and end to their contact...Advice? Help?

2xTrying
In order to rebuild your relationship and marriage with your wife the affair must end and with no contact between the two. Your wife will be able to continue an emotional affair with lover and unable to move forward with you.
Do what you feel is appropriate to expose the affair and to end all contact. I am sure your wife will be irate about it but what choice do you have or has she given you. If you wish to salvage your marriage you will have to expose the affair.

Good Luck and best wishes toward a great outcome my friend.

Dave

Hi,

I just wanted to share what I did in the past.

Right after d-d I contacted OWH and talked to him. My husband was aware of this and he was not angry about it.

Each time I had found out that OW had tryed to contact my husband I contacted OWH.

I can just say from what I expererieced that my husband didn't want contact with OW after the affair was exposed but OW did try a few times.

My husband didn't ever get mad when I contacted OWH.

He understood how important "No contact" was and he understood that there was no way for a future "friendship" between him and OW.

This was "MY" boundary and I told him clearly that I would not accept and contact whatsoever.

So it is up to you whether you wife feels that she can stay in contact with OM or not. If you are "taking it" there will be no reason for her to "rethink" her actions.

If she feels that she "must have contact" with OM and is aware that this is "hurting" you, it might be time to consider a "perfect" Plan A for a certain time.
Plan A does not mean that you have to accept her seeing and talking with OM............
(read all you can about Plan A)

When you then feel that you are "loosing" your love for your wife and when it is hurting too badely, you can go for Plan B!!!!! But it's important to first start off with Plan A for a certain time............to give her "positive" things to "think about".

But even though "exposing" the contact to OMW will "upset" your WS............it's the way it goes. You have to EXPOSE!!!!!!

Your wife is definately going to be upset and furious but this is out of guilt and shame.

You then stick to a straight Plan A.
bb

Hello 2xTrying,

Welcome to MB.

Your situation is a classic one.WW(wayward wife) wants to keep her "friendhip with the OM(reads: I want to keep the affair going).So of course she blows up when you suggest that she end all contact.They all get mad at that request.

Badgering and controlling,in her view,is that you are asking her to stop doing something that she wants to.The OM IS a big problem here.He has to go.Don't let your WW tell you otherwise.You and she cannot work on your marriage or develop and maintain feelings for one another with him in the picture.

So,this is what I recommend you do at this stage:

1)Expose the A to the OM's wife.Do it now.Your WW and the OM will be MAD but too bad.That is a consequence of their actions.Like vampires,they will screetch at the exposure in the light of day but it's necessary to help end this cheating.The OM's wife could be an ally too,in time.You will be hard pressed to find anyone here at MB that will tell you NOT to expose.So,if you need more convincing,I will bump up WAT's Affair Exposure 101 on the GQII message board for you to read Ok?

2) Since your DDay was 3 months ago,I am sure you are running out of steam and patience with your WW,as you mentioned.That is understandable.That is why there are time limits on the Plans here.If you can,try to give one last burst of Plan A love bank filling time with your WW then come over to the GQII board where we can help you draft a PBL(Plan B letter).It's getting close to being that time.

3) Get a profile so other's who do not know your story will have an idea of what is going on with you and how to help(ages,marriage length,kids,how old,etc,etc).

Have you purchased any books yet to read? Any of Dr.Harley's? If not,definitely take a look a the MB bookstore and get SAA(Surviving an Affair) and HNHN(His Needs,Ner Needs).Also,"NOT Just Friends" by Shirley Glass is excellent.

Check out exposure thread ok?

O

Thank you, Octobergirl. I will take your advice. I appreciate the advice. Is the profile just the sig at the bottom of posts with ages & such?

Yes.

Octobergirl -- Forgot to mention: I've read Love Busters and we're in MT with some IC. Amazingly, the therapist says contact with OP is okay in our situation -- since they are friends and wife won't act inapproriately going forwar. While that may be true, discovery of letter killed that assumption.

Hi again,

I would have to wholeheartedly DISagree with your counselor.It's up to you but I would consider a new one,one that is Pro marriage and thinks like Dr.Harley.He is expensive but you could try counseling(phone)with Steve or Penny Tuppy.

Any opposite sex "friendship" that makes you uncomfortable is not worth losing your marriage over,or maybe it is for your W? What does she think about that? Ask her.

Please get the book by Shirley Glass.It is excellent and discusses "friendships" between men and women.At the very least,your W sounds like she may be in an EA,based on what you mentioned.Her actions and reactions do not speak of a completely faithful W.

O

Hi 2x,

Here's the link to that exposure thread OctoberGirl mentioned...

Exposure Thread

It's worth reading AND doing! This is heartwrenching stuff, but it can be done. There are plans that work on this site. Best of luck to you.

Natalie

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Amazingly, the therapist says contact with OP is okay in our situation -- since they are friends and wife won't act inapproriately going forwar. While that may be true, discovery of letter killed that assumption.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't walk away from this therapist - RUN!!!!

And - absolutely, positively tell OMW.