I'm new to this site and am hoping for some help or feedback. I'm very sad that after finding out about my husband's eomtional affair 3 years ago, I find out he's been visiting porn sites on-line for a long time and he even sent out to e-mails to unknown women. Her's some background:
I've been married almost 30 years to, up until 3 years ago, thought was the love of my life. We got married young, at 20 & 21, tho we both dated extensively and non-exclusively prior to getting engaged. 12 years later, after building a business together and traveling, we started a family; now 4 children later (one set of twins),, I think we drifted apart.
3 years ago, I found out my husband was having an emotional affair with a woman he had worked with. I found the following e-mail excerpts when he left his e-mail account open one morning:
1) from him " Hey, Baby - I get busy signals on your line, call me."
2) from her "..sometimes you have to hit me over the head (not hard tho) .. I have a website to check out, something about "babes"
3) from him " ..hitting you over the head will never happen. Can't guarantee that other parts won't be subject to certain "disciplinary" attention, tho (17 ..18 ..just 2 more...19...)
4) from her "be careful sending stuff like this....that's not to say I'm opposed to other games."
5) from him, "And here I thought you were ready to take our relationship to the next level. Oh well, I'll just have to keep fantasizing..."
6) from him " You know ALL of my fantasies by now, don't you?"
7) from him, "New CHICK??? NEVER. Re-runs are only acceptable with the original cast However, the tack shop may be interesting when you're writing scripts...."
Upon my discovery, my husband claimed no wrongdoing, that it was innocent flirting, sending dirty jokes back & forth, and it was only that one week's worth of e-mails. I claimed his addressing her "Baby" signified an amorous relationship, not to mention the sexual references. He claimed "Baby" had no significance, tho I never heard him call anyone but me by that name. Later that day, he had taken this woman car shopping to give her his advice, but he didn't tell me about it, and he had lied to our children as to where he was going. My contention to him was if she was "just a friend" how come he never introduced me to her and had to lie as to his whereabouts? I told him his contact with her, e-mail and otherwise had to stop or I would divorce him. He said he would stop, that I was the only woman he ever loved, that there was nothing romantic involved with the other woman, that he was the only person she could talk to.
After 8 months of marriage counseling, we found out our marriage had been on the rocks for some time. Several factors had contributed: I had post partum depression and didn't know it - 2 years before I had felt I was in a hopeless situation, no communication with my husband and we weren't having sex anymore. He has a bit depressed with job changing and the responsibility of a large family to feed.
I was willing to accept my responsibility in the decline of our marriage, but upon questioning my husband now & then as to how he really felt about this other woman and other details, things didn't make sense. a year later, upon my snooping with phone bills and computer usage, other information came to light and he had been withholding this info from me. He had lied about how often he talked with her. He told me he had only recently occasionally called her, to help her with her problems or to just socialize (he knew her from grade school).Now I found out during the last year of their "relationship" he had called her about 2-3 times a day, and once again in the evening or at night. He also called her twice from our vacation, because "it was a "habit". Judging from 3 years of phone bills, he had progressively called her more and more each year, culminating with 3-4 calls per day and e-mails as well.
I couldn't figure out why he called her so much if it wasn't a romantic relationship. But I felt the marriage was worth saving, that I loved him, that he claimed he would never do something like this again, that he wanted our marriage to work, etc. It was at this later time, that she contacted him for professional reasons, and he answered her back twice. I found out about this due to my snooping, because my trust in him had been shattered and even tho we were mending things I still felt vulnerable. I felt betrayed again, because he chose to keep this from me because he thought I would get upset, which I definitely would have. But I had made it clear to him a few times he could not keep in contact with her, that she should look elsewhere for professional help. His claim that she needed this one last bit of help really irked me. I thought he had made it clear to her to never contact him. So at my urging he wrote her a letter to this effect.
At this point, even tho things were emotional, we were happy to have found each other again and I felt like we were once again in love and happy as a family! I could have continued healing at this point but for what happened 8 months ago.
As I have 1 teenager and 2 soon to be teenagers, I was going thru my computer files and found some pornographic website visits.We have 3 computers, so I checked my husband's computer and was shocked to find a huge amount of pornographic websites. Upon asking my husband about it, he admitted he occasionally goes to these sites out of curiosity. He said he had nothing to hide, so he took me to his e-mail, and to his surprise an e-mail he had sent to someone was still in his mail!As I read it outloud, he was adamant he had not sent it and finally it dawned on him to admit it was him:
"Scarlet -- if you are for real, look no further. I am a well-built, extremely sensuous person who lives in ______ and may be just the thing you are seeking. I can provide the mental, psychological, and of course, physical manifestation of all your fantasies. If you are serious and would like a discreet, public meeting to check things out further, e-mail me ASAP. Looking forward..."
He claimed that was 'probably' the only time he sent an e-mail, that he only views the sites, does not get involved in chats or has had on;line affairs, that this activity only enhances our lovemaking. I found out he was a member of some 70 pornographic websites, some spanking sites, etc. One month later, I went into his account(at this point he gave me all his passwords) and found ANOTHER e-mail he had sent someone 3 months earlier:
"Okay -- I'll get to the point, If you are interested in the most sensuous, exotic otk experience ever, I am the person for you. Extremely discreet, and looking for an occasional playmate, no strings attached. I am a 40ish Male, professions., very educated, sexy and fun. If you are in the slightest bit interested, e-mail me with some basic info and I will respond in kind. What have you got to lose? If not, you'll never hear from me again. But aren't you the slightest bit curious? You'll never know unless you reply now. Waiting For You."
Now my husband claimed that was the only other e-mail he had sent, that he really wasn't going to reply, he just wanted to see if someone would respond; he claimed he was not pursuing an on-line relationship or real-life situation, that he just got carried away.
I immediately lost all trust in him felt this was not acceptable behavior and he disagreed by saying "can't you just look the other way since I'm not bad in any other way and I'm basically a good husband and father?"
I told him it was either go to a sex therapist or get a divorce. I had been seeing a therapist meanwhile all this time and felt he needed to as well.
The outcome of all this is that now he has been seeing a sex therapist for 8 months and we find out he has a compulsive sexual problem, done in secret, predating his earlier affair, stemming from his childhood. It was labeled paraphelia, a compulsive pornographic problem, where he becomes a completely different person online and says things he would normally not say.He says he has been viewing pornography for many years and that his affair with that other woman 3 years ago was an extension of this.
My problem is I can't understand how a person can talk in a sexual way on-line and not talk that way to her on the telephone. To this day he says talking with that woman was only in a business or friendly way, not in a sexual way, that he could not talk with someone on the phone that way. I feel betrayed all over again and my self-esteem is very low. If he was thinking all that pornography would enhance our love-making, I can only think he was fantasizing I was someone else during all our lovemaking. How do I compete with that? I was jealous of the sexy way in which he talked with the first woman, and then with the "unknown" on-line women.
My husbands asks me to be patient while he & his therapist sort things out. I feel left out in the therapy process and told him I want to know the truth about everything very soon, that we need a recovery plan very soon and that in order for our marriage to survive I have to be able to trust him again. He and his therapist have gotten mad at each other recently and now my husband will be taking a polygraph because he feels I & his therapist don't believe him that those were the only 2 e-mails he ever wrote (other than the earlier affair) and that he wasn't doing much more than viewing pornography compulsively.
I question whether he telling me the truth now, that he never touched anyone, but what is the difference? I feel like I'll never be enough for him. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Is there anything else I can do or we can do? I feel resentful and wondering who I really married, and do I still love him? Is it worth all the heartache?
Thank you for listening,
Juliette times 2
