Hi you guys!<P>My H and I have been to a counselor here - and although I feel he is ok for one-on-one, I am not sure he has a real approach to save a marriage. Plus my husband does not like him. <P>Anyway, My husband agreed to talk to Dr. Harley - we have an appt on Friday. My hope is that he will agree to more after the first session. I have read a great deal of this website and read the book Surviving an Affair. I believe in all he has said throughout each. Is he good at getting to the heart of the matter and hooking someone like my H who is so undecided, but on the verge of moving out to gain perspective and to explore his feelings for her (GAG).<P>My husband always asks, "How much does it cost?" When I told him he didn't say anything, but to continue talking to Dr. Harley, he will have to feel from the beginning that it is worth while. <P>I agreed that if he would talk to Dr. Harley, I would not ask any questions or talk about this the rest of the week. I did not agree to not continue doing nice things for H. Last night, before he got home, I had written in a card a nice letter explaining my actions from Sunday night. I also left 3 goofy surprises wraped up for him in the guest room. He came home after work to watch a movie instead of going to practice which was a nice surprise. It was late when he went to his room, but I assumed he would open them. He has always been a sucker for surprises. When I went to cuddle this morning. which I sometimes do, he wanted to know what they were for - he had not opened any of it. He said it did not feel right. When we got up, he started downstairs without opening them. I told him they were goofy and to please open them. Well, he packed the card to read at work and opened the gifts. He thanked me and said that was nice. I told him the I was sorry I made him feel unfortable, but that he did deserve them??? He said it just confused the issues. Am I doing too much? Should I back off, I don't want to seem pushy!!!<P>Hope you are all doing better than I feel. I'm going to try and reply to others today - I've been needy here and just posting for myself. I guess we all need that sometimes!<P>Have a great day!!!<P>------------------<BR>H<BR>

While in Plan A they may feel guilty 'cause they screwed you over & you are being nice to them. It's not Plan A which is making them feel crappy, it's their actions and your reaction. Of course it confuses the issue for them! Good!<P>Don't overdo it though. You want to start working on your behavior patterns that you will be able to do for the rest of your life! If you are doing lots & lots now, what happens in a year when you are tired of doing everything?<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A>

Hi dhj,<P>You know what? If it makes you feel good to give your husband gifts, then keep doing it. Let him know that you're just doing it because you like to do it, and not to place any pressure on him. I don't know what your card said... possibly you could've been a bit smothering. Only you know that... <P>I guess it's important to let him know that he is the one that needs to make the decision and you are willing to give him time, but you aren't going to stop loving him and showing him you love him. <P>Above all, exude confidence and self-reliance.<P>--airheart

For a few weeks, I was making dinner for him when he came to visit the kids, because he was picking up one of them and getting here late. One day he got here in a great mood, and a few hours later when I returned home, he was even more distant than usual - a few days later he told me that he was "uncomfortable" eating dinner with me here. Immediately after that, he started spending even less time here. <P>It seems that the minute he starts getting a little closer, he takes 20 giant steps back. I also have wondered if Plan A is pushing him farther away.<BR>

Hi dhj,<BR> That's a good question...When I found out about my H's affair I plan A'd him to death....definitely drove him away, but I think it's because I came off desperate and very needy.......however, I was like everyone else when they first find out- devastated, insecure and desperate. Once I did get some confidence,(had to confront a possible life without him and knew I would be ok)and then went to Plan B he came back. I now know I will never go back to that awful, needy desperate behavior, I feel if he doesn't want to be here he can leave. So, I guess what I'm saying (like Airheart says) whatever you do you need to be confident and self reliant....hard I know!.....Lu