Hi all <BR> Well, I've been in Plan B for about 10 months. Those who know me know the whole sordid mess. I used to post frequently about a year ago and then distanced myself for the last few months while I tried to move on. <P> And lo and behold.........3 counseling sessions together for the first time!!! And next week we are going out "to talk", just the 2 of us! Our counselor is wonderful. He is really into this "differentiated self"<BR>theory. I have ben reading the "Passionate Marriage" as he suggested (not an easy read) and agree that many issues apply to us. <BR> If you had said to me a month ago he would have even wanted counseling I wouldn't have believed it. He also said tonight (for the first time) instead of blaming me as previous..... that he knew he failed others and then the counselor helped him to see he really failed himself.<BR> I am amazed that we are actually doing what Plan B was meant to do. I really stuck to my Plan B and was very coldhearted about it. He waited in the car when he came for the kids, I stuck him for every penny that I could, I filed for divorce, and the children and I basically went on with our lives. It hasn't been easy. My children have suffered through out the whole thing. But I did make it my point of showing them life would go on and could still be good. I think my husband has seen that he would have to subsist on a meager salary. The young girl he got pregnant has nothing in common (well 1 thing) with him and he might be beginning to see her for who she is.<BR> AND the biggest step of it al....... He seems to be blamning me less for everything!!!!<BR> Now where are we going? I don't know. Can I ever really trust him? My kids do miss their father. I have to contend with the OW's child somehow. I know it is early to worry too much. Just when I thought well, time to move on...... The counselor says he doesn't know where we'll end up with this and I can't guess it either. Any comments, suggestions, advice etc. would be apreciated.<BR> Thanks,<BR> Kris<BR>

How did you go from plan B to counselling? Does he still see OW?I don't know your story but would be interested in more details. I'm sorry I don't have much advise to offer but it does sound hopeful.How long did you plan A?<BR>What is differentiated self?<BR>Sorry to ask so many questions and not have any answers but I can say Keep hanging in there. It looks like things may be paying off for you!<BR>Good luck!

Kris,<P>I'm glad things are looking up for you. Keep up the good work!

MAEZY - I don't mind the questions but don't know if I have the answers either. <BR> Question#1 - How did we get into counseling? Well, it was a little sneaky on my part but it may have payed off. He had met with my 9 year old's counselor a few months ago. After that meeting the counselor said to me, "Why are you filing for divorce? Your husband wants to come home... he is just not ready to yet." I had seen nothing that would indicate that to me!!! About a month ago I scheduled an appointment with that counselor and asked why he had said that and to ask him if he thought it was worth trying to wait. At the time I really felt it was over and this was my final bid and was ready to move on. The counselopr set up a meeting. I was surprised he agreed. We have had 3 so far. It has been TENTATIVELY positive but I don't know where we are going from here. <BR> Question 2 - How long was I in Plan A? I was in Plan A about 4 months from D-day with my husband leaving 4 times during that. The young girl he got pregnant was calling the house, they were still working with each other and he was here in body but not in spirit. It was killing me. It was harder for me to Plan A than Plan B. When he asked to be separated the 5th time I gave him the plan B letter the next day.<BR> Question#3 - Does he still see the other woman? He had a 2x sexual affair with a young co-worker and a emotional internet affair going at the same time. He got the 20 year old pregnant. I'm not sure where we stand with that... I don't know what I can tolerate at this point. I really believe they are not together but now have the baby connection which he wants to keep. That's why I have to decide what I want I guess.<BR> Question#4 - as to the "differentiated self"... It is hard to explain and I am struggling through the book. NSR sent me a post not too long ago that connected to something about it. You could look it up or ask him on these boards. It had to do with being your own person and pleasing yourself before you can be intimate with others.<P> I don't know if I was helpful but I am tentatively hopeful and that's not a bad thing around here!<P>K - Any suggestions? <BR> Kris

Quakermom321- Thanks for answering all my questions. Sounds like your H is in MLC??? I guess you'll just have to take each day as it comes. You may be surprised by your own patience and ability to work at things.

Kris:<P>Well, I'd say to stick with the counseling, to see how things go. You also should have a pretty clear list of what you need from him before you let him move back in: that could include him working on behavior changes prior to moving in, or it could be a counseling program after he moves back (assuming that's what you want). You've got lots of issues to negotiate in terms of the OW and the OC (feel free to drop by the pregnancy board).<P>Try to do all this negotiation using the POJA---getting buy-in from your husband will be very important. It sounds as though he's going to be willing---and given that, my advice is <B>always</B> to work on the marriage...<P>

K - I want to work on the marriage but so much has happened that my usually optimistic self is more cautious. I think counseling is the key also and I can be patient this time as opposed to how I was while in Plan A. I want to be patient. I want to do it right. I only would be willing to reconsile if I thought it would work for good. If I thought that this is how he would continue to solve his feelings of inadequacy then I would have a hard time doing it. The adoption/ OC issue is very complicated. My children are all adopted and this really put them in a tailspin. How can you tell kids this is their "forever family" if one partner bails and fathers a biolgical child? In Oct. My 9 year old ended up in the hospital's enmergency psychiatric unit because of these issues. My kids have been through enough. <BR>I will post on the preg.board also and any suggestions are always appreciated.<P> Kris