My husband really thinks he's the only one who has felt like he has. Can anyone give him/me hope that these feelings are normal and how other husbands overcome them?<P>Read my story under PRAYER: (I'M LOSING MY FIRST LOVE)<P>Like my post reads, my life all changed as of May 29, 2001. My husband said he doesn't know if he loves me anymore. He said he's been feeling this was for some time now, like 6 years. He said he's been lying to himself for this long and he can't take it anymore. He wants to end our marriage so he can have some self happiness. He said he feels dead inside. He said he doesn't even feel he wants me to come back home. He asks, if it is a sin to stay in a marriage if you hate being in it. As you know he is a police officer and works third shift. We have twin girls that are very active. In the last six years we bought and acreage which needed a lot of work, he got this police job, and we had twin girls. We have not had much time for each other. My husband also works a part-time job 2-3 times a month on his days off at a local hospital. Then in spring and fall he helps out a farmer. He said he has felt some of these feelings before this all happened. He said he's been trying for so long and lying to himself he's happy and he's not. I NEVER knew he felt this way. I have not gotten any of these feelings from him either. Yes, there have been times when you feel unhappy in a marriage, but who doesn't. How could I have helped if he didn't say anything for so long. He said maybe it's the time in his life where we were just not meant to be. He may have just chemically changed and won't ever be able to love or be in this marriage. I told him to talk to Dr. Harley about it, I'm a student myself. He said one of the single guys he works with is going to rent a house in July sometime. He asked my husband how things were going at home. He said there not BAD but NOT good. This guy told him if he ever needed a place to stay he was welcome to stay there. I told my husband that I did feel right about him living there. If he needed time to think he should do it by himself, but he should ask Dr. Harley. He keeps telling me he hasn't made up his mind what he's going to do. (Divorce or not) He is getting himself convinced that divorce is the only way he will feel better, he will have his own personal happiness back and won't feel so dead inside. Last night I told him we had to agree on one thing now. I told him we have to committ to working on our marriage. He agreed. He would try. We are going to go over our LB and EN questionaires this week. He said he has felt a great deal of guilt lately for what he's all done. He also said he still has a plate full to work out with the OW. I told him I don't want to talk about that anymore. He agreed and thanked me. I checked his cell phone and I don't show him calling as much. I still have the feeling they are making contact in someother way maybe on a LAN phone. I confronted him of all his calling her every hour at work then at home. I said it could effect his job if anyone found out he was doing this on duty. He works third shift and still sleeps in our bed on his days off. He still eats with us at the dinner table. The only thing he has been doing in the last week or so is not wearing his wedding ring. He lied and said he hurt his finger. Then yesterday morning I saw he was not wearing it again and he finally told me he didn't feel right wearing it, but he did put it back on. I think he needs to hear some positive things. All he is thinking is negative, what if it doesn't work. What if I will feel like this for the rest of my life in this marriage. He doesn't have any patients. He feels he should feel better right away. I also feel that sometimes he wants to see or feel results before he tries something. I also feel he may be doing this counselling with Dr. Harley just to do it to satisfy me and so he can tell us "SEE ALL THE COUNSELLING AND TRYING DIDN'T WORK" My husband is looking for anythings that says divorce is what he needs because he has had these feelings for too long and it's not worth trying anymore. <P>Please have those who have been through this any found hope please respond to give my husband hope.<P>Thanks,<BR>LOVEMESS <BR>

Dear LoveMess, I'm the BS, but wanted to let you know many of the things your H said, my WH has said, word for word. My H, too, thinks he is the only one ever to have felt this way, and that it means either that he is going crazy and/or that he and I are the only married people who have ever gone through this. I have seen other posts in the forums which also quote the words of WS's that could've been transcripts of my conversations with my H. So many of us here have so very much in common, it helps to read stories from all stages of relationships. There are success stories out there and they are encouraging, keep searching through the older posts. Look up lostva's posts, her tale is an inspiration. Look up responses to questions directed at the WS's, there are posts from WS's who are back in their marriages and happy about it.<P>You and your H sound like you are on your way to healing...I wish you all the best, octavia99

How is your marriage right now. Where do I find Lostva's posts. Under Plan A/B and how far back. I would like to read them. I don't know if I made our marriage sound like it's healing I feel very doubtfull yet. My H is uncertain what he wants or feels. LOVEMESS <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by octavia99:<BR><B>Dear LoveMess, I'm the BS, but wanted to let you know many of the things your H said, my WH has said, word for word. My H, too, thinks he is the only one ever to have felt this way, and that it means either that he is going crazy and/or that he and I are the only married people who have ever gone through this. I have seen other posts in the forums which also quote the words of WS's that could've been transcripts of my conversations with my H. So many of us here have so very much in common, it helps to read stories from all stages of relationships. There are success stories out there and they are encouraging, keep searching through the older posts. Look up lostva's posts, her tale is an inspiration. Look up responses to questions directed at the WS's, there are posts from WS's who are back in their marriages and happy about it.<P>You and your H sound like you are on your way to healing...I wish you all the best, octavia99</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

You can find lostva's posts by doing a search in her name on this website<P>My H said many of the same things. We have been separated for 4 months now. I continue to hope it will work out for us.<P>Good luck to you.

Dear LoveMess, I'm sorry to say my own marriage is not doing so well these days, but I'm not giving up hope. My WH was saying the things yours is one year ago (and D-Day was in Sept. 2000), but I didn't find SAA until this past February, and I didn't get onto this MB forum until two months ago or so. So as I see it, you are in a relatively better situation--you are here, the tools you need to save and rebuild your marriage are all available to you and your H, together with some really wonderful support from the people here. And your H has indicated he is willing to try to work on the M, that is great. The fact that you are able to say you don't want to talk about the OW now is significant--I am still having great difficulty avoiding that topic and people here have pointed out how big a LB that can be to a WS. If and when things get better between you, you may be able to discuss the OW--or maybe you won't need to at that point.<P>Know that it is not going to be easy, the term people use is "roller-coaster ride" and that is so accurate a description. You may honestly take responsibility for your part in the state of the M pre-A and find that your H isn't responsive. Often you are going to feel miserable and yet have to try to be the best person you can be...that is really hard, but you will reap the benefits of Plan A for yourself, no matter what happens in your M.<P>For lostva's posts, do searches under Recovery and General Questions. Also, try a search under General Questions for posts of [H], the former WS of knewjie. They are working successfully on rebuilding their M.<P>All the best, octavia99

LoveMess,<P>It may not be much consolation but my wife of 17 years used many of the same words after I learned about her affair with OM. She was very negative and down about our future together immediately after the revolation. I couldn't believe this was the same woman that I married and had three boys with. The only hope I can pass on is that at this point (10 weeks after discovery day) she is willing to participate in the phone counseling and 'homework' with Steve Harley. Good luck to you. I've found a lot of support on this BB.

I"m a BS also- married 15 yrs and 3 kids. my H said MANY of the same things your H says. I think its midlife crisis and affair fog combined. My H confessed about his A finally after I confronted him several times. He said, "I felt like our marriage was over in my head before the A became physical." Excuse me? Why didnt he give ME some clue? Apparently according to him he'd been 'unhappy' for years. I think it was alot of situational stress combined with his not wanting to share his true feelings with me over the years. Instead we just 'did what we needed to do to run the house, further his career and take care of our 3 kids. He met a single OW at his work who had just oodles of time to listen to his woes over lunches and after work events. Eventually he was seeing her on the wkends claiming he was at the gym. By the time he finally confessed to me he was VERY involved with her. He said he was leaving me for her- moved out for a month staying at her place then moved back home saying he wanted to reconcile but he didnt really he just lay on the couch like a lump. I found out he was secretly back in touch with her( she took a job transfer as she was mad at him not divorcing me for her-she's a REAL piece of work!) she pressured him and confused him so much he filed for divorce on me saying he was SURE that was what he wanted. Then he cancelled it a few days later.I think he felt at the time that our marriage was so damaged by years of STUFF then his affair and the consequences- he said he didnt see how I could ever forgive him and he was afraid to do the changes necessary to make our relationship improve. ( He had alot of doubts that it COULD improve) Then went thru 6 wks of awful withdrawal and depression- not committing to me still sleeping on the couch. I finally told him LOOK if you want a divorce, I"ll go for main custody of the kids and take them to another state where I have relatives and start my WHOLE LIFE OVER! At first he didnt believe I would do this but by this time I was totally fed up and had really decided on all these plans. I even had a lawyer by then since I had to get one when he filed for D on me. He thought it over for a few days then FINALLY seemed to snap out of the self centered coma he'd been in for 4 mo. We are now in joint counseling and he's quit saying stupid things like ' I'm not in love with you anymore' or "our marriage is hopeless' or "I dont feel any affection for you' - we actually went 7 mo without any intimacy during this mess and afterwards. I'm amazed things are finally working out for us now. Hope this encourages you that recovery is possible. lifeismessy

I am 46 years old. My husband and I haven't ever heard about plan A and plan B. But it worked for us 15 years ago. We just had our 25 years anniversary this year.<BR>I must be honest and admit that I was the one who wanted out. We have two children and at the time even they couldn't stop me. I was acting the same way your H is acting now.<BR>My husband tried intuitively with plan A. It didn't work cause, as he was more lavish I was more nervous about fact that he is making trap for me to stay. I asked him to leave house and we separated for about 4 months. Never in my life I felt so lonely even with my children around. Friends deserted me of course in some way cause they didn't feel comfortable in a situation like that (they were mostly our mutual friends). My dreams about future with OM just disappeared. My family couldn't stand what I am doing. I couldn’t stand all that guilt. My husband was patient enough so we came to the point when after he asked me if I am willing to TRY again I agreed but without real will. But to be honest I was scared that if it's not working I have to go through all that pain again and I asked him to promise if it's not good he'll let me go easy. He agreed. It was hard for both of us for about a year or more. We agreed to try to change. Both of us. Change didn't come suddenly but gradually during the years. It gets hard even now sometimes but now we know how to work on it. <BR>On our 25 years anniversary I told him: Thank you for loving me so much!<BR>So there is a hope!<BR>My daughter is having a hard time now in her relationship. I tried to explain to both of them that those things happen once in everyone’s life and they can be resolved. I prey to God to give them strength to understand what’s right and wrong. Cause wrong decision as mine was are ruining so many lives…Would ruin mine after all.<BR>