I have a detailed post on the Just Found Out board under same topic. Let me start of by saying I love my wife very much. I tapped the phone to get more details. I did get more details but you dont always like what you hear. In away I glad to finally know the truth but it hurts at the same time. She has told me she is not in love with me but does love me. She will not admit to an A. But i know for certain otherwise. I have heard her say she is in love with the OM and he with her. I also know they are having sex. He is married w three kids all 10 or less. We have two 16 & 8. I confronted with an itemized phone bill last Monday at my sons ball game. The OM is his coach and her co-worker. She became very angry and I told her I was going to confront the OM. I didn't but really want to. However, Im not sure what I will accomplish. She asked for a divorce and then recanted the next day. Her reason was for the kids. I dont want a divorce. She wont fees up to her A. She is almost acting crazy like. Restless, overly emotional. We can hardly discuss the situtation with out her brusting into anger. Its almost like she is on an emotional rollar coaster her self. sometimes she can be really nice and talk as if nothing is wrong. Im hurt and feel the door to my heart is closing. I want my family back. However I realize that until OM is out of the picture Im not really gonna be able to get things back to normal. She refuse to go to marriage counselling. Any thoughts??? please help.

I'm sorry for your pain. Take comfort in knowing that you've found a very helpful site with truly caring people. I would first check out the links that NSR has. Also, I would get a copy of "Surviving An Affair" (SAA). It has been a lifesaving for me and countless others (well, a sanity saver). A person needs to focus on having a plan for dealing with this mess. Learn and implement Plan A. We have to try and correct whatever we can (ourselves) and see what emotion needs we haven't been meeting for our spouse. You can only change YOU. <P>I have only in the past few weeks seen real improvement in my W. This has taken us 8 months. Usually, it doesn't take that long, so don't get discouraged. There are no guarantees, but most of us are willing to to whatever we can. The best advice I can give you, from my experiences, is to avoid anger at all costs (LBing). It took me a very long time to get to that point. I became obsessed with the affair itself - getting denials all the while (despite mountains of proof). I tried to just concentrate on me: trying the best I could to be a better husband. I also plunged in to doing little things for myself. Our own needs become seriously ignored. Be prepared for that. Eventually, it will pay off. Read all you can and post often!<P><BR>I should add that it is encouraging that your W decided against filing for divorce. At least a part of her has hope. Look for small positive things to hang on to.<BR> <BR>IFS/Mark <p>[This message has been edited by Ifeelstupid (edited June 27, 2001).]