I'm sorry for your pain. Take comfort in knowing that you've found a very helpful site with truly caring people. I would first check out the links that NSR has. Also, I would get a copy of "Surviving An Affair" (SAA). It has been a lifesaving for me and countless others (well, a sanity saver). A person needs to focus on having a plan for dealing with this mess. Learn and implement Plan A. We have to try and correct whatever we can (ourselves) and see what emotion needs we haven't been meeting for our spouse. You can only change YOU. <P>I have only in the past few weeks seen real improvement in my W. This has taken us 8 months. Usually, it doesn't take that long, so don't get discouraged. There are no guarantees, but most of us are willing to to whatever we can. The best advice I can give you, from my experiences, is to avoid anger at all costs (LBing). It took me a very long time to get to that point. I became obsessed with the affair itself - getting denials all the while (despite mountains of proof). I tried to just concentrate on me: trying the best I could to be a better husband. I also plunged in to doing little things for myself. Our own needs become seriously ignored. Be prepared for that. Eventually, it will pay off. Read all you can and post often!<P><BR>I should add that it is encouraging that your W decided against filing for divorce. At least a part of her has hope. Look for small positive things to hang on to.<BR> <BR>IFS/Mark <p>[This message has been edited by Ifeelstupid (edited June 27, 2001).]