I asked my WH to stay in the other room until we separate. Like I knew he would, he is suddenly very attentive and tries to initiate sex. He hasn't been in our bed for 2 nights and he hugged me this morning from behind and said he misses me.<p>He kept pressing me in the bathroom as I was getting ready for work. He knows this is our weak point. Every time we've agreed to separate he knows it only takes a hug and a kiss to melt me.<p>I miss his touch so much and I've had nightmares both nights he's been out of our room. I want to be strong. I told him this morning that I don't want to be touched or kissed because he was with his coworker.<p>I am so weak when it comes to his touches! Would you suggest a letter explaining that I don't want to be intimate, etc.?<p>I just called his work and left a message that I had to ask a work related question. He called back very professional and said I needed to talk to someone else in his office. He mentioned they had a breakfast and were getting out a little early.<p>My heart aches wondering if he's going to head out with his coworker. I know it doesn't matter anymore - I made my decision, but it hurts and is making me weak.<p>Thanks for reading!<p> [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Free..
ugh im sorry that is so tough for you. I guess it wouldnt be practical for either of you to have a new place to stay in the meanwhile. <p>If you are positive about plan B'in hun you have to be resolute. I cant say I would be able to do it, but I know from your posts you are made of sterner stuff than me. Sometimes BS' have trouble getting over the memory of their WS withthe OP so much that they cannot think of affection from their WS. If you are trying to avoid affection, maybe you could use that to your advantage and think of them together. I can sure as hell say the thought of my WW with OM can remove any thoughts of affection in my head whatsoever.<p>
Anyway. Hope the best for you! you deserve it<p>-HI

Free2BMe,<p>He can't hug you or kiss you, if you don't let him within a one foot perimeter of you. When I went to plan C, I simply asked my H to respect my personal space; if he 'forgot', I asked him to please step away.<p>We talk a lot about boundaries here and they are usually about limits to conduct. This is just another kind of boundary, a physical one. Since you know this weakens your resolve, cut it off at the pass.<p>What do you want F2? (1) to continue cycling through the same patterns you have lived through since before d-day; or (2) to break the pattern? Your pick - door #1 or door #2. You cannot pick both at the same time. Sorry.<p>Hugs to you,<p>OneDay

With all that he has done I have never had a problem being intimate with him. Up until about a month ago SF has been awesome. It's just the thought of him being with this woman that I feel so much more betrayed. Does that make sense? <p>I know he told a diff. OW things that I had said and done in anger (like drive past her house every night to get a glimpse) and she told me he told her what I was doing. And he also told her I had forced him to write a no contact letter to her. I feel doubly betrayed by this.<p>I'm sure he's told his coworker OW things that I said in anger to him about her. It hurts to think it, but after 2 years of this I know his patterns.<p>Thanks so much for your reply - it helps to keep me focused!<p>No, we really can't afford an apartment while we work this out. We should have our tax check back within the nest 3-4 weeks so we'll probably split it and he can use his portion for a deposit on something.<p>I'm just so sad because I know he is a good person, he's just not a good husband! I hate that everyone just loves him and doesn't know what he's capable of.<p>~ sigh ~

Oneday,<p>We were posting at the same time. <p>You are so right - I want to break the pattern. I'm going to write a letter with my boundaries. We still say we love each other - do you think that's strange?<p>Thanks for your thoughts and support!

Getting out of the situation as fast as possible is important. I understand your weakness. My WW was living with me while we were seperated for one week and I was miserable (especially since she was still seeing the OM during that time). I wanted to hug her every time she passed me in the house. Not only would that make me appear weak to her, it also would be a major LB in our current situation.<p>If you want to preserve your love for him, IMHO, set up the boundaries of no physical contact (no seeing you naked either) and set up seperate living conditions quickly.<p>Oddly enough, my WW and I are much nicer to each other (so far) now that we don't live with each other -- and I also don't feel the need to touch her when I see her briefly. Don't let yourself be manipulated during these trying times.

Thank you, Longing!<p>I see what you mean about even seeing each other naked. Even though we sleep seperately we are still both getting ready for work together in our bedroom and master bathroom. He was pressing against me and trying to be sexual at every turn.<p>I do need to set boundaries - I'm just afraid he'll adhere to them (I know, it's cakey!).<p>Grrrrrrrrr! Why did he do this to us? [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]

Honestly, I think you want him to adhere to them. As much as I want to hug and kiss my wife, I can't stand the thought of being with her at the moment because I only imagine her comparing me to the IM in her head. It does terrible things for self esteem so I try to avoid those negative thoughts.<p>Additionally, he should not get his cake and eat it to. He knows he screwed up and he is trying to manipulate you with his advances. I don't think it is possible for him to have come to terms with his bahavior and feel remorse (yet) so I would not think his advances to be more than self-interest.<p>You cut him off not to punish him but to protect you. We are VERY vunerable at this time (won't just someone love us! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] ) and being weak to their manipulations does us no good. My WW manipulates me as well with her anger -- best way for me to avoid such is to avoid her until she comes to terms with what happenned; or she stops manipulating me.

Longing,<p>I'm sorry I'm not up on your situation except for what you've typed here. Are you in Plan B? What is your timeframe and goal for this plan?<p>My goal is to be legally separated from my WH. My ultimate goal is to be divorced at the end of the 1 year mandatory separation. I have fleeting thoughts that we might reconcile, but they are just fleeting. I really don't think he could do or say anything to change the damaghe he's done.<p>I told him he could be faithful and loving from this day forward for the rest of our lives together and I'd still not trust him - never. And that is why I need to move on as much as it hurts me.<p>I've put an update from last evening on my other thread if you're interested. <p>My H used to use his anger to manipulate me - that was over a year ago. If we had an arguement he would get in his car and leave for a short while, but he knew it was effective as I would panic about where he went. A year ago I paniced all the time when he'd do things, now I've come to terms that I can't control his actions and I can't control out outcome. I feel much better and am not in constant hightened fright.<p>Thanks for checking in today!<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Free2BMe:
<strong>Longing,<p>I'm sorry I'm not up on your situation except for what you've typed here. Are you in Plan B? What is your timeframe and goal for this plan?<p>Thanks for checking in today!<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] </strong><hr></blockquote><p>Yes, I am in plan b with limited contact -- soon to be moving to even more limited contact. My target date for plan b is March 28. If I can last longer, great.<p>Legal seperation sounds good in your case. But, a lot can happen in a year. I often feel that I could never trust my WW again but I don't think either of us know what we are fully capable of during these times. Love overcomes many boundaries. I know that I WANT to trust her again.<p>If you still have any feeling of love for him, then I think you still have a chance to rebuild that trust and the marriage.<p>I think you are doing the right thing -- moving on as if the marriage is over. I am trying to do much the same. The ball is in their court now.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Longing:
<strong>I often feel that I could never trust my WW again but I don't think either of us know what we are fully capable of during these times. Love overcomes many boundaries. I know that I WANT to trust her again.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Whenever I start to go backwards I think about how I will never trust him again, so what's the use. I do love him, but I will never trust him. I can't torture myself for the rest of my life and this is the only way.<p>We spent yesterday together (a day we'd taken off prior to my request), and the morning was somewhat tense. We started talking about who would get what and I asked him to get a separate checking account as I have payments coming out of the existing joint checking. He commented, "you know you're the one who wants this, I'm not going to be the one making all the changes". Hmph! I was seething at this remark, but pretty much kept my composure. I just mentioned how we are both a little bitter and angry and our emotions are understood. Blech!<p>We are going to tell the kids tomorrow afternoon. His oldest knos (so I'm sure he's told his brother), but my 2 don't know yet.<p>What will you do after March 28th, Longing - make it a legal seperation?<p>I'm so torn!<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Good morning,<p>I still haven't set the boundaries! I just don't want him to get nasty. I'm sad but I constantly replay ALL the lies from the past 2+ years (yes, even before marriage). I know he's good at pretending to love me then fall back into his ways.<p>We're supposed to tell the kids today - I think he's hoping I'll change my mind before we het to that. His kids stayed with his brother last night and H left a bit ago to join them then one son has basketball. I'm assuming all this as he didn't share his plans. My kids will go with their dad around 4:30 so this talk mightnot happen if we don't all get back to the house early enough.<p>I just keep thinking about how free and at peace I will feel once he is out of the house. <p>~ sigh ~