I'm a bit scared about a conversation I'll be having with H probably tomorrow.<p>Ive written a Plan B letter and another letter that outlines an idea I have about trying to restore our marriage.<p>THe thing is, I only want him to read one of them. I guess I'm asking him to decide if hes going to try with our marriage or not. If hes not then I dont want him to read the idea. <p>I emailed a message telling him Ive written these two letters and that he needs to choose which one hes going to read. If he chooses neither (fence) then I guess I send the Plan B. He rang tonight wanting to discuss my email but I was feeding my baby and it was rather late. I wanted to go to bed feeling ok about life, not upset about what he thinks of me - this happens too much.<p>So, I guess I need some support with this. Im scared hes going to rubbish me and tell me off for suggesting anything. I react pretty badly to him. when I said I didnt want to discuss it tonight he said that next time i send an email like that that i should be available to talk about it as it stresses him out. I feel a bit angry about that statement as it was 10pm, i'd just gotten home from counselling(didnt want to undo the evening) and i was in the middle of breastfeeding. I know he will say things to me that will hurt, so late at night is not appropriate. Id go to bed and not sleep like i usually do when he rings late and has a go at me.<p>Should I suggest we talk with someone else there?<p>Dancer

Dancer,<p>If you are intimidated by your H then having someone else there would be a good idea. I would suggest your counselor be the one, not a friend or family member. <p>Did you go over what you'd written with your counselor? It might be a good idea.<p>As for your H's comments about wanting to talk. Now that you've had time to think about it, it might be a very good idea to email him back setting some boundaries. Saying something like: Ahile you can understand that he was a little stressed by the email, calling you as late as he did will not work as you can no longer allow this emotional rollercoaster govern your days and nights. Then tell him which times/days would be appropriate. You probably know his schedule so make them some that you feel will work for him too. Then let him pick the time. <p>Or tell him that you think it would be best to discuss this with the couselor present. He may not agree to that because then he cannot intimidate you. So be ready for that and stand your ground if you feel it's important to you.<p>I can understand how you feel about his intimidation. My ex-H used to do that. Actually he still does. He comes at me with an attitude that says "if you don't agree with me and give me what I want I'm going to herange you until you do." It's horrible. So I just choose to not talk to him now. We communinate almost 100% via email.

We're having our first mediation session after Easter (waiting for him to book the time still). Its primarily to do with setting out a parenting plan together. But would this be a good time to discuss the email? Either of my counselors wont be able to see us both for a while, one not at all, and I'd like to keep that part of my life separate if possible. I could ask someone from my church, but then again, its MY church.<p>???<p>Dancer

The mediator has more to do with legal issues. I don't think that would work. <p>As for someone from your church. If there is a pastor who could do it that would probably work. I would not suggest just some member of the church.<p>Instead of having a huge discussion, could you break it down into smaller ones? Maybe even broach some of the topics via email? That might work to keep both of you from feeling attacked.<p>For instance, you could email him (or have a short discussion with him) telling him that after all the work you have done, you feel it's very possible to save your marriage. That you still love him and would like it if the both you could give the marriage six months to a year. Then ask him what he thinks of it. <p>If he says that he is not interested give him the Plan B. If he is interested give him your idea.<p>Maybe you are planning to do too much all at once and the enormity of it is as overpowering as dealing with him.<p>Does this make any sense?

Out of curiosity, what does your idea to work on your marriage letter say? Of course you do not need to share it if you do not want to. But I'm curious.

Zorweb,<p>I'm a little frightened to put it on here as my H knows who I am on here, and I'm fairly sure hes told OW and her H too. Although he says he doesnt read this anymore.<p>I noticed you have an email address...is this an appropriate way to tell you? If so, is it<p>z----zorweb@hotmail.com
or just zorweb@hotmail.com<p>I guess I just want to hear him say he does not want me to be his wife or to even try, that way I know for sure I can Plan B and feel confident in it, but of course I want him to say yes I want to give our marriage a go. The excuse Ive had from him in the past re giving it 6-12 months was that he didnt think Id cope with another possible separation.<p>Dancer

<small>[ June 05, 2003, 12:48 AM: Message edited by: Eleonora ]</small>

My dear Dancer,
You are in good hands. I bet Z will have some good input for you.
Elizabeth