Hopefully Healing~
I just read your thread in recovery. I also just posted in Plan A/B about what I thought was our recovery which is obviously still Plan A.....<p>I totally understand what you're saying. My H says he ended his EA with OW at work, but she is still talking to him everyday. I also wonder if he's leaving out that they are going out to lunch, etc., just like they used to before the "end." He always lied about their contact so the question is 'has he changed that much in just the past few days?' He also has said the thing about 'hurting her.' What about US, their wives? Anway I'm going to paste a reply I just wrote this morning to another BS about my experiences so far with Plan A:<p>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
....it is VERY difficult and you could perceive it to be humiliating. Especially if other people know about the A and what your H is doing to you and your M. But it's your H who looks like a butt, not YOU!<p>However, you can choose to look at it from another perspective......This is totally my opinion, remember, but I have done a lot of reading on the MB site and believe I have a pretty good grasp of Plan A and B. We've had a rocky M and along the way I know the Lord has opened my eyes about to how to act/react to his many LBs. It meshes so perfectly with MB advice that it blows me away!<p>To move from the humiliation perspective I have had to concentrate on ME. I KNOW I'm a good person, treat my H with respect, kindness and love. People like ME and nothing my H can do can change the way I feel about myself. Don't get me wrong. It's hurt tremendously that he's gotten involved with OW at work in (supposedly) an EA. But I can pull away and not get all entwined in letting him project this junk on ME. I see myself as being coated in a heavy layer of Vaseline! So when he tries to make me feel like the EA is because of something I've done or not done, it doesn't stick. I know the truth. HE is the one with the problems he refuses to deal with!<p>I may not have met ALL his EN, but I sure as heck did my darnest! No one could have met all his EA as mean and nasty as he's been at times and I think I went waaaaay past what was required of me as far as being forgiving, loving, etc. He certainly wasn't meeting all MY EN. I have made a choice to love him and stand for my M. It's MY CHOICE. So, what my H does or says during this time really makes no difference at all!<p>The point of Plan A to me, is that I have a time-frame that I'm operating within. You're quite right that this would be impossible to continue indefinitely! But since it's my choice and I'm in charge of THIS game--I CAN DO IT!!<p>After I began to find out how close their relationship was last fall, and my H consistently refused to admit it was anything other than just 'friendship,' I knew I had to seriously do SOMETHING to make ME feel better about myself. (This was long before I found the MB site and even heard of 'Plan A!') So I joined a gym and started working out! The positive changes that working out brought into my life have been tremendous! I feel so much better about myself. I have so much pride in being able to do the workouts. I've changed some of my eating habits, drinking lots of water and cutting out soft drinks. I've lost some weight! My body is getting in the best shape I've ever been in. And I FEEL so good about myself it's hard to believe--with all the craziness I'm in the middle of with H, OW & EA! (H even notices my new shape, which feels good too!)<p>My H told me he ended it with OW on Tuesday (4/2). Each day he has told me things she's said to him at work. I felt hopeful about it ending, cause he's always put me off before when I would press for an END. H would say he had to work things out, do it his way, etc. All those things that really mean it's continuing, but acting like to me he's bringing it to an end. <p>Last night when I casually asked 'so, how's things going?' in a VERY nonthreatening way....he blew up and said he's so tired of me questioning him about OW and pressuring him. Really over-the-top reaction to a very innocent question. Especially since he'd agreed I could ask him anything I wanted to about OW or EA. He said I didn't "know how hard this is." Please, give me a big fat break! HE'S the one that doesn't know how hard it is!! I almost feel like I'm back to square one in Plan A, but I know we've made some progress. I think OW is REALLY the one pressuring him! She does NOT want EA to end! H has said he really hates to lose the friendship and feels sorry for her cause he sees that I was right about his involvement in EA--that she is starved for attention (her H said he didn't mind her friendship with my H as long as it didn't 'enfringe on his time') He sees his interaction with her in cell phone calls, lunches, etc., met her EN for that attention. I think he's finding it VERY difficult to get loose from OW and EA. They see each other at work everyday. <p>I'm going to hang in here and fulfill the time-frame that I set for myself in Plan A. H said last night after he got so upset that all this 'lovey-dovey stuff' is probably fake and he doesn't appreciate it! IT'S WORKING!!! He HAS perceived a change in me and it's making him really crazy!! yeaaaaa<p>Even though our night was upsetting, his observations about my behavior being different gives me the boost that I needed. I told him "I'm not being fake at all. I'm trying to be the person I would be if J**** was not interferring in our lives. I would be happy, loving, peaceful and calm because my life would be great! And that's who I've decided to be, no matter what is happening around me. I'm your wife. I love being your wife. And I want to continue being your wife. I've made a decision that no matter what happens I have the right to be who I am." He didn't know what to say after that! It sure shut him up! <p>I'm encouraging you guys to focus on YOU! Find something to do that makes you really happy and feel good about yourself....I don't care if it's a hobby, or job, or just cleaning out all the closets and getting rid of a lot of junk. I started cleaning out our attic after Christmas. My oldest daughter, watching me throw things in garbage bags for Goodwill, said it was 'scary' how I was getting rid of so much stuff I'd saved for years. It felt very freeing to get rid of so much baggage that I'd hung onto! Try it! Maybe my H is next! I don't know. I just know for NOW this is where I am, and it's an okay place to be, because I'm in control of ME and that feels GOOD!<p>Just remember: You're good enough....you're kind and loving.....and gosh darn it, PEOPLE LIKE YOU!!! <p>God Bless you~
amazingrace
