I have a question for experienced BS. I was hoping we had entered recovery, but maybe we're still in Plan A.....not sure at all today. Sorry this is so long......<p>My H also works with the OW. He's a flooring specialist at a national chain of home improvement warehouse store. OW is a head cashier. He's top is sales regionally for past 2 years--hero of the whole store. Very charasmatic, charming. EVERYONE in the store LOVES him. OW thinks she's got the captain of the football team! It seems to be a BIG EA. I've really had my doubts, but beyond maybe a kiss (he's been very vague about that) or something it does not seem to have gotten sexual. He SWEARS it never got there. <p>It started last fall with them going out with a group after work to bars to de-stress. H has problems with alcohol. I don't drink at all and have a big problem with him drinking. There lies a big EN that she filled. She sat with him and drank a couple of beers with him. A few times I've tried going with him, but watching him drink is so painful it has never turned out well. He also wants to close the bars (i.e. stay till closing time). It's such a huge waste of time I wind up miserable and it shows no matter what I do to paste on a smile. Also, H says OW really hates for him to drink so she tries to get him not to drink so much. Anytime I've tried that in a bar with him he just got VERY ANGRY. She told me once that she was only trying to look out for him. I told her he didn't need 'looking out for.' He's 49 and has been fine so far without her help.<p>He refused to admit their relationship was anything but 'friends.' I knew better. I felt she was very serious about him in a much deeper way. I spoke with her on the phone 4 times about my problems with their going out to lunch together (alone in her car), my problem with her calling him on his cell phone on his way in to work, my problem with her going to bars with him (alone & in a group). She would promise they were only friends and that she would stop calling, being alone with him, etc. Then it never stopped. A 'friend' does not put your M at risk, especially when asked to stop doing certain things point blank by the W. H would say there was NOTHING going on except talking, so what could be wrong with it? He said he didn't even see her as a woman, etc, just a friend. I told him she might feel differently, but he couldn't see it. (So he said.) She called him every morning on his way to work. (Our cell phone accounts are online and I knew his password.)<p>I drove around looking for him when he was late a few times and found him sitting in her car. Just sitting there talking. I didn't like that one little bit, but I still didn't have any proof it was A. (I had never heard of EA till reading about it recently when I found the MB site!)<p>Finally 2 weeks ago I put a tiny recorder in his truck and was able to tape H side of 2 cell phone conversations with OW. Heard him laughing about giving me his promise to stop seeing her. They weren't just talking about work like he'd always said. They were talking about how they could keep seeing each other and laughing at me. That did it to me. Actually hearing him laugh at me. It hurt so bad I almost couldn't function. Three days later I hired a private investigator to find proof of a PA. So far he's found nothing. Maybe it really is just an EA. H found the recorder and it was BAD for a little while, but I was able to tell him what I'd heard and no longer could he hide behind the 'friend' excuse anymore. He started to admit that the relationship had 'taken on a life of its own' and he said he didn't plan it or mean for it to get so serious. He told me how important I was, that he loved me and didn't want to lose me. He also said she was very important to him and he didn't want to lose their friendship, or 'hurt her.' I was Plan A-ing my behind off.....it sucks, it's really HARD WORK and NOT FAIR in the least, but it's what I chose to do to give our M every chance to survive. We've been M 30 years and have 5 kids, 3 grandkids--there's 12 in our immediate family! It came down to H wanted his cake and eat it too!<p>He very reluctantly agreed to go with me to MC last Thursday. MC came very highly recommended. If my problem with H was leaving dirty socks on the floor, he would have been great. Our problems seemed out of his league. Told my H that a marriage can't survive with a girlfriend involved. DUH Told me we had to come to a decision about a date for it to be over (the OW thing), then I had to 'begin the trusting process.' Didn't say how to do that. Told me I'd "know" if he hadn't really ended it with her. I asked 'how? he's lied to me all the time about the whole thing; I still wouldn't be clued in if I hadn't hid the tape recorder.' He said I would just 'know.' He didn't set up another appointment. Handed us his card and told us if we wanted to talk another time to just call him. Gee thanks.<p>On the way home my H said he didn't tell us anything we didn't already know. I said I know. I was so disappointed I wanted just to cry. Biggest waste of time and money ever. We were going out of town the next day--Good Friday--to go with our daughter to visit her husband in basic training at Family Day on the army base. H didn't contact OW that day (Thursday), even though she wanted to see him before MC appointment (he told her about it) AND before going out of town with me. <p>We had a great 3 day weekend. I took articles printed from MB site about Recovery from Infidelity #s 1, 2 & 3 and he agreed for me to read to him on our 3 hour drive there. He seemed really speechless. Said it explained what had happeded exactly. On the way home I read him the ENQ and he told me his answers. I had already filled out my ENQ and read him my answers. There's very little I'm not meeting, but the recreational companionship thing about going with him to drink was one...... While at the hotel we had wonderful sex. I took some really playful things to wear, etc. One thing the Lord has done in me after finding out about their friendship last fall is show me that I needed to really be willing to meet his needs about certain aspects of our intimate life. I have done what I felt led to do and our sex life has never been better. Maybe that did protect H from EA going to a PA. Couldn't have hurt. I knew I had an edge on OW there! <p>We talked about H going back to work Monday. I felt OW would pull out all stops, feeling that she was losing him. He thought she'd be mad he hadn't seen or called her Thursday and just wouldn't speak to him. Dream on......<p>She left the sickest note in his locker about how she had had the worst weekend cause she hadn't been able to talk to him, all she did was think about him. Begged him to meet her after work. Said she HAD to know how he felt about her, that she loved him .....it was like a note a 16 year old would write; not a 49 year old woman married for 28 years! He brought it home to show me, BUT he met her after work! Didn't call about not coming home from work or anything.....I was sick thinking what might be happening. Came home at 2 AM drunk as could be, talking about how sorry he was, but he cared so much about her. He said he could NOT stop seeing her. No way. Said she wanted me to 'share him.' UGH<p>Tuesday morning we had it out, but I was calm. He mentioned moving out. I told him I loved him, but at this point all I wanted from him was a decison about what he wanted to do. That I couldn't live with his lies or feeling his betrayal indefinitely. I was really ready for Plan B. He called on his way to work and said he wanted us to get thru this together. That that was all he wanted. Offered to call in to work and come home, but I told him what would that solve? She'll still be at work tomorrow.....<p>The PI was watching them that day, but drove around the store to get another parking space and when he got back around both their vehicles were gone! I called the store to talk to see if he really wasn't there and they told me it was his day off! UGH the feeling in the pit of my stomach. The PI drove all over town looking for his truck and her car but found nothing. I left a message on H cell phone that I knew he wasn't at work and wanted to know where he was. An hour later he called and said he'd just ended it with her. Said he'd told her it was too much trouble. Not what I'd chosen for him to tell her, but it was the first time he'd ever said he'd told her that. He always said he had to work it out, do it his way, etc.<p>Wednesday (4/4, the day after he told her it was over) she waited for him to come out of the store and asked him if she could talk to ME about still being able to talk. Said she'd promise me that it would never be anything physical. Said I could have all the sex part. Wasn't that kind of her? I laughed and told him 'I don't think so.' He said he told her he thought what I had the problem with was the time he spent with her. Guess he finally heard me. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I can tell she's not finished with EA. She's still trying to figure out a way to be able to see him/talk to him. I told him that Wed. night and he agreed. He also said "I hope I can do this." I did not want to hear him say that. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I guess my question is.....We're not in recovery yet, are we? I'm giving him the option of quitting his job. I have daycare in our home and pretty much pay all the bills. His money is for groceries, remodeling projects, benefits like insurance, etc. He just got a big raise last week so I know he hates to quit. Like someone else said, I don't want him to resent me for making him quit. But with her still in the picture and really infatuated with him, I have a real hard time seeing him drive off to work. And what do I do with his EN for recreational companionship that I don't meet? We go out to eat and shop, etc., but going out with him while he drinks seems to be something he knows I can't do and doesn't even allow me to do. (I sort of have to be invited to be there with him.)<p>Thanks so much. I know I'll be okay no matter what happens, but I've put a lot into this M and don't want to just throw in the towel. He says he loves me, and acts like it most of the time. I'm just really tired of this being my total focus. I'm exhausted thinking about it all the time. I want to get past it, but only time can do that I know. And I guess I'm afraid of what the future will bring. I'm not talking about it unless he brings it up, but I still blow it occasionally. How do you fill your need to know what's going on without LBing? My H seems to think that he's ended it, I shouldn't be thinking about it all the time. Then sometimes he says he understands, but it's clear he doesn't quite get it. He says he's trying to tell me what she says, etc. But I have this fear that he's leaving a lot out.....<p>By the way, OWH told her he didn't care about her going out to lunch, drinking, talking to my H as long as it didn't "enfringe on his time." OW told my H a while back that she was sort of jealous about how much I hated their relationship. She said no one cared about what she did. H said Wednesday night when he was telling me what she said, that he sees what I said about her being starved for attention is true and he feels sorry for her. Yikes, that's not what I wanted to hear either, but at least he's talking to me about it, honestly this time I hope.<p>What do you guys think? I'm trying to Plan A my behind off, but don't know how long I can wonder if he's done with her or not.<p>God Bless you all~
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