Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 5 of 9 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 8
S
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
S
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 8
Part 2
This is the way I read blinded WS' mind:

She said youre weak and pathetic. You are. And worse--- so unlike her deart OM (though she was "thoughtful" enuf not to verbalize her comparison). Her OM has "integrity" and has "balls of steel" - even if he just mops floors. Proof? He did not jump on to her like a crazed dog, did not do any crying, any begging, any whinning, (probably did not even bribe her with a massage) and just laid his cards on the table - get out of your marriage before I come in - or Im gone forever. He did not even care whether he would ever win her family's approval.

What can be more blinding romantically than a you and me against the world drama? Coupled to this is her rebellion-streak - the more people tell her that she's making a big mistake, the more she is determined to prove otherwise.

Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 8
S
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
S
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 8
Part 3
In creating life strategies, when youre doing something consistently and its pushing u further away from the resuts you want (your beloved Plan A) - then it means - you are using the wrong strategy - and its time to do a complete 180 - and see if a drastic turnaround will bring u closer to your goal.

If you TRULY LOVE HER, set her free. By doing this and letting her make her own mistake (who knows it could be true love afterall)- the 2 bestest things could happen : the one you claim you love finds lasting love and happiness or two, she realizes her huge mistake and takes steps rectifying it. Either way, she cannot play victim anymore and accuse people of making decisions for her. True, she would have paid a great price for her folly but she would be learning a very important life-changing lesson at the end

If you TRULY LOVE HER, let her family go as well. Assure them of your love and support but let them know that you will start distancing yourself away from them so WS can have some semblance of a family life. Understand that her lack of family network (because theyre on your side) is pushing her closer to her OM. Rest assured that in their heart of hearts, her family will always be loyal to you.

Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 8
S
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
S
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 8
Part 4
Now you. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO STOP HURTING. Cant you see that you are trapped in a very toxic cyce? She is manipulating you by giving you bits and pieces of crumbs and telling you that it is not "right" to give you false hopes. She is feeding you enough so you wont die from famine. Why is she doing this? She is establishing a good safety net around her - just in case - she discovers all her trouble wasnt worth it afterall.

Now my suggested strategy. Talk to her family and explain why you have to let them go as well. Tell them that you have found a good support group over the net (which is true!) and that you will run to them for comfort for the meantime so WS can feel that she has her family again. Give it time. She will discover later on that she is not getting their full support not because of loyalty to you but because of her actions do not warrant approval. At the time time, the mere mention of internet should send some chill over their spine. As you know, internet breeds romance and more A's if I may add. Ask them for divorce lawyer references even.

The trick here is that you will give her family ideas/perception about the WS finally losing you. They will in turn tell her that some Internet peope are "cudding" you and that you seeking an appointment already with a divorce lawyer.

Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 8
S
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
S
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 8
Part 5
The table has been against you for a while and she is slippping away from you on a day to day basis - you should turn this table on your favor now and start making her feel that youre the one she's losing, not the other way around.

Talk to her. Tell her that you are tired and finally giving up. Ask for her forgiveness - for your past shortcomings and mistakes. Tell her that you did not mean to be manipulative/controlling nor to cause such a huge wedge between her and her family. Apogize for not being able to give the kind of love and happiness that this OM seems to be giving her.

Ask for her forgiveness too that you cannot keep up anymore with this fight over her love. Tell her to relax already because the divorce will be forthcoming. tell her that you cannot promise that you will put yourself on hold for her BECAUSE YOUR EMOTIONAL NEEDS MATTER TO.

Lastly, give your blessings to her in her pursuit of "love and happiness". And then cap it - with a similar sentence that you seek her blessings to in your pursuit of emotional recovery, love (emphasize this!) and happiness.

The strategy here is make her feel the essence of FINALITY. she is keeping a yo-yo relationship with you and OM because she is not sure that she is doing the right thing.

the drama queen in her will see you in a totally different light. she will see that you love her enough to let her go but MAN ENOUGH to say - youve hurt me enough, now go. and dont come back

now what could be a more delicious catch than a man who has been in hot doormat pursuit of you and now has emerged into a more assertive, calmer, wiser, stronger man? ready to move on and worse, pursued by other women (we'll make her think this) and not interested in you anymore??

women!!!! our brains are really wired for torture!! so give her that.

Do not initiate contacts w/ her. Keep calls, casual meeting w/ her short but friendly. Put imaginary twinkle in your eyes. Mention about taking a trip, preferably somewhere that the 2 of you planned but never had the chance to take. Talk about the possibility of some friends joining u in that trip.

this will seem like a complete departure from your earlier plan. but at this point - i dont think u have anything to lose anymore.

i hope i am able to give you a fresh option. btw, this strategy will backfire soon as you show any sign of weakness.

i am praying for you and WS. i hope all works out for the best. be brave. the hurt will be there and the pain will linger for a while - but what doesnt physically kill you, will strengthen you.

God Bless!

Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 8
S
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
S
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 8
huge blooper. i shoud have been using WW instead of WS. my apologies. its bad enuf that im poor at spelling but to be poor at acronyming!!

Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 234
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 234
What spartanhearted means is, in other words, go into plan B; actually do the things she suggests that you hint at, with the exception of hinting at or filing for divorce right now. Seahorse is doing a model plan B now. If you read her thread in 'Just found out', she went into plan B right on the dot after 6 months, in spite of having better hope from her guy than you do now.

ps: Actually she did continue her plan A after he moved out upto 6 months - that gives you a little less than 2 more months. What would your counselor say? But then Plan A is more attractive on a woman and less attractive on a man.
I doubt that she is deliberately keeping you hanging by giving you bits of hope. I think she truely regrets hurting you.

<small>[ August 17, 2002, 04:19 AM: Message edited by: relate ]</small>

Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 123
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 123
Hi Spartanhearted,
Boy for being new you are right on the money! I loved the thread. My WH has been doing a good game on me too. I have given him two plan B letters now and he just does not get it. Although this 2nd one was a week! Wow! He then comes in here and yells and screams or calls on the phone and leaves nasty remarks when I am not here. He has hid and will not admit to this A since a year ago as I suspect, but am not sure. I was sure around May and would not say it until I finally had a PI get into his cell phone - got the 24 same numbers and did a reverse. Now he is mad at me and called me all kinds of names for that snoop and I also changed the door locks, drew out the balance in the bank. He abandoned me and I am on workers comp and needed to pay bills. He never has given me a dime. I do not have a physical address either! I did file for a divorce, but something kept telling me no. Sure it was God. Backed off, but did file for support. These nit picking things verbally he do says, only hurts me and I can not keep my mouth shut. Lots lastnight. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Yes I am sorry for it as I kept telling him to leave and he would not, so then I told him as long as he feels as he does about me to go home and live with his girlfriend and I was going out to get my needs met! Yikes did I say that really? Well I never meant it, but must be he believed it as he left. I called his cell after he left here lastnight and told him goodbye and not to do this to me anymore as I get my head on he messes me up. He makes this to be all me! I only work, eat and sleep as I have done in the past 11 years. This same thing has been going on now since May. I can not be loving when he is so mean. I have surgery pending on my wrist and forearm the 26th and he is not kind about that either. This WH has always been right and controlls every word that comes out of my mouth or changes it or tells me I am wrong and should handle it another way pretaining to family issues or anything I do. He is gruff all the time - no wonder I raise my voice, just sick of being hurt, lied to when I know different and being nobody. got any suggestions? I love my H with all my heart even after all his nasty's.

Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 8
S
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
S
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 8
pls. read this "success" story.we all can learn from this.

inspiring

Joined: May 2002
Posts: 9
O
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
O
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 9
Dear aanast,
Hi,I hope you are still making it. You know I have been working on getting up the guts to do this for a while. Well right now I am in Florida and from here we are driving to boston. Um so I dont know your email address! So you can write me even a blank email if you want just so I get your address at **edit**.Please I would love to hear from you. Its such a shame that I haven't been able to for so long. I am so nervous about starting college-I have never even seen the place before and I don't know anyone. Please stay strong, we all have our crosses to bare and some are heavier than others. You know you are doing what you can so stay true to yourself.
with love,
one who cares

Last edited by MBLBanker; 10/30/11 08:32 PM. Reason: removing email address
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 8
S
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
S
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 8
Part 1
Thank you LoveNCare. For a whlie I was worried that my post would come hurtful but not helpful - this is the last thing I want to happen.

Continue posting here as I can see that there are so many peope interested in seeing an acceptable ending for aanst2 and the WW. Im sure that there would be more quaified people than me putting in their opinions that could prove useful to you and applicable to your situation.

My 2 cents for you meanwhile include the following: Calm yourself - BEFORE ANYTHING ELSE. There is no sense dwelling on your hurts and on the WH and on the day to day pain he seems bent on inflicting you. Stop giving your power away by getting agitated and very angry.

Part 2
While this BB offers tremendous help to everybody, remember that YOU ARE STILL YOUR BIGGEST ALLY. Any agitation you do to yourself makes the tunnel that you are in longer.

I know - easier said than done - but you have to pull yourself together luv - while we figure out a way to bring you towards the tunnel's end.

Theres a way out of this, be strong.

Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 123
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 123
Hello spartanhearted,
Thanks so much for "Your two cents"! I know I have to shut my big Italian-Indian- English mouth! I just have a hard time with being called nasty names and him downing all I do, which is not much. I go to Mom's or to sisters and swim. Love to get the sun! Hard sitting here by self all the time. I do have a kennel but that does not take much time up. I have started an internet business so may give me more to do now. I really want this marriage to work, but maybe I blew it totally the other night. One of my biggest fears and oh yes would be my fault this time as I did say lots. He is jealous and why when he has someone else? Really weird to hear that. He even cuts down how I dress and how I do my hair which is really nice. I have lost lots of weight again, dropped 50 lbs and on my way to a 5-6. Maybe this is what is bugging him as I always look nice. I worked up till June so it was always uniforms as I am a nurses aide and had to pull my long hair back. If he is so worried about me why then doesn't he give up affair and tell me if he feels anything for me. At least try to put something back that he has taken? I would never do what he has done to anyone as I am a God fearer and do love God. He even scoffs at that and I told him not to laugh at God. I thought he believed also, but maybe I was wrong? Well I do appreciate your 2 cents as I feel you have a good head and see things different then I do. I just do not know what a good plan now would be. I hope I did not totally screw up. Thanks again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 412
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 412
Hi
I would like an update on your situation.
have you read surviving as affair...divorcebusting
and divorce remedy. You have to become the man your wife fell in love with.

Without the begging pleading being needy and etc.

Last edited by MBLBanker; 10/30/11 08:34 PM. Reason: removing link

PRAYER CHANGES THINGS
------------------------
Married 5yrs 8/25/97
separated 3/98
H & I continued seeing
each other during separation
Dday 5/13/00
OC BORN 1/01
Separated from OW 7/02
OW married another guy 8/9/02
H contacted me 7/16/02
we've been communicating since.
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 123
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 123
Hi Malc,
I am the Wife! I have not done any begging, pleading, needy maybe as I filed for support. I have not read any of DB Books yet but did read Tough Love and His Needs Her Needs. Both are very good. I have been on here reading for months now and have learned lots. I do have faults also. Most are my big mouth as I just can not stand anyone cutting me down with yelling. Maybe if he could talk to me with some? love I could do better.
I just did not know what to do with my WH always coming after only 7 days of the 2 no contact letters handed to him. He wrote me a very nasty one and I gave him another no contact letter and 7 days later - thurs night he was here again attacking my emotions. I got caught off guard. I have posted over on resolving conflicks a few months ago under Doreen. What update did you want - was not clear to me.
I read some of your posts also. I do hope all goes well for you! A baby is the most precious thing in life. We all make mistakes but learn from them. I wanted 12 but had 3 which are all grown now, but have 15 grands! Love each and everyone of them too! 4 of those are from another marriage. Well Thank you for your post and I will look for another one. God Bless.

Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 234
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 234
Would LoveNCare start a new thread? This, if I may say so, is a thread jack.

I'd like to follow aanst's qiet, calm, composed, yet sad story which will, I'm sure, have a happy end with time. Aanst, I too like your staying true to yourself. I don't like hinting at something that one doesn't feel or is actually doing. That is against the policy of radical honesty and not a good foundation for a relationship.

<small>[ August 18, 2002, 03:33 AM: Message edited by: relate ]</small>

Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 123
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 123
Hello Annast2,
I writing this to apologize for coming in on your tread. I just wanted Spartanhearted's view on my situation and being new I did not realize what I had done or how to do it another way. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> So please except my Apology. I have followed your tread as you know and want to give you a big hug for your efforts which I wish my WH would do half as much. I only hope your WW wakes up and realizes what she has at home to work a beautiful marriage with. Many MB'ers do not get that chance. I wish you all the luck and happiness. God will guide.

Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 2,868
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 2,868
Aanast2;
It seems to me that you have been getting very good feedback, and counseling with Steve is the best thing you can do.

I may be speaking out of turn here, as I did not read your complete thread, but your W moving out to her own place seems like a turning point that you have to address.

What has Steve said about this? I would certainly follow his advice.

Perhaps Plan B is the next step? Do you think you are ready for that?

I'll keep track of you over the next few days, become more familiar with all the details, and try to contribute as much as I can.

Stay strong!

Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 675
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 675
aanast -- Just checking in with you and what is or is not happening with WW. While I don't agree with some of what was posted to you/think it's inconsistent with what you were hearing from Steve Harley, I do think it is worth looking at and discussing with Steve the idea of detaching a bit from her family.

I think that will still help with some of her independence issues. Maybe it could be accomplished by telling them why you are doing it.

What have you heard from WW? I will try and check in again on Friday.

Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 187
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 187
Thanks to everyone who has replied. I haven't posted an update in awhile because 1) there was nothing to update - my WW was on vacation for a week w/ her sis and friends and 2) because I'm a teacher and the new school year started which can get busy!

Spartanhearted- thanks for your reply. I value all input and points of view. As for me being faithful to Plan A "until kingdom come", that is definately not going to happen. I do have a time limit for Plan A (I'm not sure what that is yet but... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ). I do think I will go to Plan B and maybe even a divorce eventually (if WW doesn't come around). I just do not know when I make the move just yet (I want to confer with Steve Harley who has advised that in my situation - no kids - that I need to stay in Plan A for as long as *I* can hack it.)

As for my WW's A not ever ending. I'm aware of that possibility. I obviously hope it does end but I'm the type of guy who thinks about all possibilities, hopes for the best and expects the worst.

As for pushing my WW away with Plan A. Perhaps. I'm constantly trying to do a better Plan A. I don't beg. I do my best not to educate and talk about our M. I try to just be interested in her life and focus on the friendship. I definately never talk about OM. Sometimes my WW brings those things up and I do talk about them but I'm careful what I say (though I admit I do get a bit too talkative at times). I massage her because she wants me to and I think/thought meeting needs was part of Plan A.

As for doing a 180 to get to my goal. You may be right. I don't know. If I completely Plan B (total no contact) it could push her away more. I'm waiting for my next conference with SH before I make a move like that.

I agree. I do have a right to stop hurting. I do not plan to be in Plan A forever if my WW does not start to come around. I'm no masocist. However, I'm a determined person in whatever I put my mind towards. I can go the distance in Plan A or Plan B. I just don't know what is best for me and my M.

I think if I do go to Plan B I will not drop hints of my filing for a divorce or being with another woman to her or her family. I think honesty is the best policy.

As for the yo-yo situation with me and OM. I understand it. I don't get my hopes up the odd time the yo-yo swings my way. It is my WW's guilt that gets her to contact/be with me. Her A is full on - lots of fog - no end in sight!

I guess part of my allowing the yo-yo to happen (and not going to Plan B yet) is that I can outlast OM (I have more invested) and he won't be able to take the fact that I kiss her or massage her. Or she will lie to him about it...and her lies will add up. who knows...

Relate- I agree with you. I do not think she is trying to give me bits of hope. I think she feels bad/guilty, cares about me, and doesn't want to see me hurt. So, she wants to reach out to me.

LoveNCare- no problem. no need for an apology. I've thread jacked before myself (just ask Spacecase! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) It is hard not to because all our situations are so similar. It helps to "get it off our chest" and perhaps the similarities can give insight to others.

Spacecase- thanks for your input. If/when you get a chance to read this whole long thread, I'd love more of your insight. As for my WW getting her own place automatically means I go to Plan B, I thought it was in order too. I think I'm ready for it. But I can keep up Plan A too. I need to talk to Steve again. Last month (the last time we spoke) he said stay in Plan A (due to my situation - having no kids) knowing full well that she was moving out from her parents into her own apartment. So we'll see.

unsureheart- thanks as always for your interest/support. I do finally have an update as my WW is back from her trip. I'll post it in a minute.

Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 187
A
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 187
Ok, here's the update:

While my WW was on vacation, I had a heart to heart with her brother (who is one of my best friends since I was 9) and her sister's husband (also a long time good friend.) Even though we had quite a few beers that night <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> , we had a serious talk about my "situation."

Anyway, they both told me they loved me and feel for me and can't believe what a huge mistake and terrible thing their sister is doing. Anyway my WW's brother told me that while he doesn't think her and OM will work out, he doesn't think she'll ever come back to me because, he says, he knows her and how stubborn she is. Interesting conversation to say the least.

Anyway, Friday night my WW called me. I knew it was her but didn't answer. She didn't leave a message.

On Sunday her brother invited me to his parents for a bbq (him, my bro, my WW, and his other sis). While there I chatted with my WW and worked my charm. Initially, when I asked her how she was doing, she said she was "happy." She said being on her own is helping her learn/experience new things about herself.

Later in the conversation, we laughed and talked about her trip, school starting up again (she is a teacher too) among other things. She asked me about help with her tv. She said she called on Friday to see how my first day back at work went but didn't leave a message. She also told me about a problem she is having with her neighbor taking her paid-for parking spot. I listened.

She also mentioned that she was going to get a kitten for her place because she is "lonely." (hmmm... I thought she said she was happy.)

At one point during our conversation, I was telling her a story. I refered to her as my wife. She immediately said "don't call me that." I said I will call you that because you are my wife (I know I was just looking for trouble with that comment.) She replies "well not for long." I said well until then.

Overall the conversation was great, positive, like old friends laughing and chatting it up. My WW commented that we should have always been just friends.

At first when I saw and talked to her she seemed like a stranger. However, as we chatted, certain looks and ways she spoke made me remember the old W who I love. I looked great (I have to say that I really try to look and be my best whenever I see her.) My brother complemented me later on that I was shining.

Monday she called and left a message (while I was at work.) She had a question about paying her student loan bill. She also said she was coming over Tuesday to get the remainder of her things (fall clothes and other stuff) because her first day back is Wednesday.

I called her back that night. She said I didn't have to do that. We arranged for a time on Wednesday (today) when I would be home for her to get her stuff. It was brief, I guess I woke her up.

Ok, now for today (Wednesday.) She came over. We chatted while she went through her mail (which btw she is now having forwarded to her new place.) She also told me about the kitten she got. Then she began taking the remainder of her wardrobe and other stuff out of the closets etc. I helped her. She also started throwing things away too that she didn't want anymore.

I got a bit sentimental watching her throw away thigns and I also got a bit angry. So I walked away and went to watch tv. A few minutes later she came into the den and asked me if something was wrong. I said no but asked if she needed more help.

Well when I approached her, she reached out to me and we held each other. She seemed troubled. She said part of her feels very bad. I told her I don't want to preach or educate her. I said if she is sure she knows what she is doing there is nothing I can say, but, I said, if she is not sure than I can. We were holding hands.

I began massaging her and she asked me to lie in bed with her to massage her. I complied. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> We talked more. She said she feels very guilty about what she has done to me. She said sometimes she sees me and feels she ruined my life.

She then said "we both feel guilty about it."

I told her that I feel guilty too and so does her family and mine and everyone. She then said, you know what I mean by "we" feel guilty. I said I do know who she means. I said I understand her feelings and I appreciate her honesty.

She then went on to say that she never meant to hurt me. She added that "things just happen" and it was not intentional... We had problems before OM was in the picture and over time her feelings grew for him. (same old stuff she's been telling me since day 1). I remained a good listener. I told her that feelings are feelings and are not good or bad.

She said she is a good/nice person and so is OM. She said she is not a fool running off with some drug dealer or terrible person. She said in the past when she said OM was "like me" she meant he is a good person like me and she is angry that everyone took it the wrong way.

I told her that I wouldn't ramble, but that I want to tell her how I feel, what I want and hope, but I've said it before and she knows. She agreed that she knows.

She also said that it is "f-cked up" that I would ever take her back and forgive her.

I said if that happens we'd have a long way to go. She said "yeah, yeah, yeah, I know a lot of steps, a long process like you've said but if we tried, you know we'd do it."

She said she used to think that I was the guy who would "pamper her" (a phrase she has used for many years about why she decided to date me.) I told her that I am that guy and apologized for neglecting her when I did.

She said that although I say that I love her and try to change now, how could I not notice all those times for months of her laying on the floor by herself, feeling sad, and listening to music or times she was alone in bed waiting for me.

I told her that I was an idiot! I told her I will kick myself for that for the rest of my life whatever happens between us. I also told her that I've learned a lesson and am continuing to learn, change, and be a better person and would never let that happen again whoever I'm with. I apologized for my past failures and told her I would like an opportunity to show her that I can be a better husband.

At one point I suggested she talk to Steve Harley because it would help me and maybe it would help her. She said no. She wants me to get over her and she is telling me to my face so I don't need to hear it through Steve. She also refuses to pay for counselling or have me pay for it.

So I did get a bit preachy...

I told her that one thing I have to say is that I know that we were in love. I told her that I know she was committed to me and that I was meeting her needs and not neglecting her. I told her that I know that it can happen again. I added that feelings come and go and actions or lack of actions influence those feelings.

At that point she put her finger over my mouth (with good reason, I do get going sometimes <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ).

During this time/conversation (I wasn't doing much of a good massage) we lay together holding each other. My WW started getting affectionate almost kissing my neck. She said she feels sad like this was goodbye for her & for us and that is why she was doing what she was doing. She told me she didn't want to give me any wrong ideas. I told her not to worry that I wasn't being given any wrong ideas (ok, I lied a bit here. I was getting the wrong idea. Can you blame me?)

Then she started kissing me. We kissed pretty passionately. Then she started maneuvering for something more! ? I then stopped and looked her in the eye and said I was sorry for hurting her all those times.

She then stopped and moved away from me completely. I asked her to look me in the eyes. She pulled away and said what we were doing was wrong.

I asked why it is wrong. She said because we are not living like a married, committed couple. She said she is committed to someone else now. I told her that her feelings were not wrong. I asked how it could be wrong for her to do this to someone she loved for years and made a commitment to spend the rest of her life with. She said those vows have been over for a long time.

She immediately went back to packing her things etc. Things became very silent. I approached her again and asked if she felt awkward by what happened. She said she shouldn't have done it and it is just giving me the wrong idea. I asked her if she'd like me to forget it. She said yes so I said done, forgotten.

The remainder of her visit then became more pleasant and jovial. I helped her load the car and joked with her.

Later she said that even though sometimes she feels like she's ruined my life, she sees that I'm changing. I asked her not to pity me and to think of me as someone who is strong and wants to be a better person and a better husband. She said she would.

Then I jokingly added that she should think that losing me is her loss (ok, I don't know what I was thinking with that comment. ?!) She didn't laugh and said she wouldn't do that because then she would feel sad.

She mentioned that (yet again) she will have to come back to get her things. She said she still needs some books and stuffed animals.

Things ended on a positive note. I complemented her again on her looks (one of her EN's I've come to realize.) I told her that I miss her and love her. She then drove away.

I'm not too sad at all really. (I had a good cry yesterday when I heard the song "When a Man Loves a Woman." it had been awhile.) Honestly, I'm kinda indifferent feeling. Either way it goes I'm excited about the future.

Well, that is mostly it (from what I remember.) Nothing really new. I gotta make an appointment with SH to see what my next move is. I'm guessing he'll say keep up with Plan A since that is what he said last time. Part of me wants to move on. Part of me says if we get to recovery it'll all be worth it.

the limbo continues... though she may divorce me soon (it is the title of this thread...)

I guess we'll see.

your thoughts?

Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 234
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jun 2002
Posts: 234
I think everything you did sounds just right, including the pulling back. She wants you and may become a cakewoman if you let her. I think she left wanting you *and* respecting you.

Page 5 of 9 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (Overcomer4513), 62 guests, and 50 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Overcomer4513, caraduke, Convict20, GTNY, Avianna
71,737 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,550
Posts2,322,807
Members71,737
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5