hey all...<P>I haven't been posting a whole lot this week... Just haven't felt up to it. It seems like my advice is just spurious bullsh*t... I feel hypocritical to post and try to encourage people to work cuz I'm in no position to know what I'm talking about.<P>OK, now that I've got the self-pity thing out of the way... <P>I've got a question for betrayed spouses who feel the need to ask questions -- do you think that you might be asking them to somehow justify your anger? Or to give yourself more fuel for the fire, so to speak?<P>I ask this cuz this seems like what my wife is doing. All her questions seem calculated not to extract information (which I am willing to give), but to fan the flames of her anger, and to further denigrate me in her mind (which I am not willing to help, naturally enough). It seems like she wants to stay angry and her questions to me keep it going. Am I way out in left field here? <P>--airheart<BR>

I have very little anger towards my Wife. Although she hasn't returned yet, I would like to ask her questions to try and understand why she did what she did. Also, I think her talking about it would help her to nderstand what went wrong.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A>

airheart, I pulled my thread to the top as I'm struggling with the same issue.

airheart,<BR>It's hard to answer cause I don't know your wife or her intentions but I do think that she is struggling to make sense of why her life has been stripped from her. Your affair rocked everything she stood on. I also think that she could be fueling her anger a bit but like you fell into traits during your affair, this is one of the natures of betrayeds particular beasts. <BR>From your posts you seem very much "on the fence" still so she is probably seeing that also. She does not have very good assurance of her future from you. I think things will get better for both of you once YOU make a decision....<P>JMO<BR>mkn

I think it is a combinations of reasons. This evil thing that happenend, we want a good look at it so that we canreconise it. My questions were to reassure me that I was not nuts. Then it was more an inquiry to figure out the breadth and depth of the affair. I also was tryingf to figure out who this person was that I was married to and how it was thaat they came to do this. Its' like an accident investiagation. You don't want to look but you want to look. <BR>IMO, answer all of her questions. Keep in mind you need to do it in such a way to reasure her of your love for her and that it will never happen again. The book, after the affair has a good explanation on how this is done.

I don't know if this will help or not. I am the betrayer and my H is still asking questions. He has a list of questions that he wants me to answer. There are 47 questions on this list and I have 16 left. I started working on this list on Monday. My H says he needs to know the answer to these questions so that he can process everything in his own mind. He is also is asking some questions that he has asked before and he says he is asking again just to test me to make sure I am being honest with him. I feel that if I answer one of these questions and he feels that it is just slightly different from one I gave before he will never trust me again. I feel that way sometimes even without answering questions.<P>I still answer all the questions without b**ching or complaining about it. I feel he deserves to have his need to have questions met. I don't know if asking the questions is fueling his anger. Actually I don't believe it is but he just needs to know and understand.<P>With this list of questions, he added a paragraph before the list. One of the lines he said that if I had any questions to write them down and he would answer them the best he could. I have one question. Do I deserve to have my questions answered before I answer all of his questions? I feel that since he still has questions for me about everything that has happened that I don't deserve to ask questions. I would like to know what everyone here feels about this

Where to begin? I am the betrayer, but have been betrayed in the past. When I was the betrayed, I asked questions that were never answered. Now that I am betrayer, and have read this board, I am honest in the answers to my H's questions. But I think he sometimes asks them to justify his anger and to fuel the fire. He is obsessed with the OM and keeps him alive in our marriage. I do not. Every time my H comes with another question, and sometimes they are more than he really wanted to know but I answer truthfully, he brings the OM into the equation. I don't want the OM there, H does. So, no airheart, you aren't out of line in my mind.<P>hopeful, I'm amazed at what I read about the questionairre you're answering. I know that the betrayed is hurt and angry. I've been there. And I understand the need to know what happened so you both can go on. But I think that formulating a questionairre to catch you in a lie is hurtful. When I was trying to tell my H about the affair, I got the dates mixed up, etc. because I was nervous and afraid. My affair was short (3 months) and resulted in one visit to a hotel room. I don't remember much of anything going on at the time. That's not a lie. That's the truth. I can't remember whos car we took, which room, or what time we left. I can guess, but then if I remember later it seems like I'm lying. I hate this part of the process... I believe in honesty, but for the repair of the marriage, not to break it further.

Airheart, I think that for me when I have asked questions and got answers it does fuel the fire for a while. It takes time to digest new information and then deal with it. I don't think your W is trying to do this, just natural conciquences of new information. It takes time to deal with it, give her time. She is probably just trying to get deeper insight to why the affair happened. My H had many affairs or sexual flings. He didn't understand why he did it himself, so it's very hard for me to ask questions. Once in awhile something crops up and we deal with it at the time. When I betrayed him I explained it to him right away. I found this helped both of us to get past it. Neither one of us want to know the gory details and both of us are reaffirming our love for each other. We are both working hard on love units for the other. It's helping us over the injury we have both caused. Hang in there, W will get past the hurt in time, I'm sure she appreciates the honesty, please think before you answer to avoid love busters or needless information. Keep reafirming your love for her and special things about her to help ease the pain for her.<BR>Ginn

Folks(betrayers), Answer the questions(once), but they cannot be alowed to use the answers agianst you. The betrayed need to understand that you are answering the questions with the purpose of working on the marriage. These answers are to help put this behind you. You both should agree on that. Expect an angry or hurt reaction to your responses. Don't let them lovebust over it.

I think the level of questioning may be different for men and women, I'm not sure. I am not interested in the dirty details concerning what happened between them. I uncovered enough during my snooping to fill my mind for quite some time. As time passes, I'm thankful that those details are fading in my mind.<P>The primary questions I have center around why? I hold no anger toward my W. I may have at one time, but it was short lived. I realized that what transpired were failings on both our part. I'm focused on healing our relationship. <P>I would conclude from what you have stated that your W has not yet forgiven you. Perhaps the wound is still fresh. Maybe betrayed women want a different level of detail than betrayed men? She probably has a need to punish you for hurting her so deeply. I would continue to show her your love and committment to your marriage. I think all betrayed want a stronger level of committment than what we had before. We don't want the betrayer to do it again.<P>To rework an old quote "betray me once shame on you, betray me twice shame on me."<P>SHA

air heart, Your answeres to me have always been very helpful, so don't sell yourself short. I ask my h too many questions because I know he is on the fence. I hope to hear the "right" answeres. Usually I don't. Your wife may feel the same way. I just want my to understand all of this and to see if there is anything I can do to make it all go away. Could your w be doing the same? Try to answere her as calmly and truthfully as you can. The truth is always better than hearing something nice but not honest.

new_beginning --- I don't mind too much to answer the questions. If he feels he needs to know the answers to old questions and new ones as well, then I should fulfill that need. I feel that I shouldn't love bust by saying that I don't want to answer those questions. I feel that if I get caught in a lie then its my own fault for not being totally honest with my H. I feel that I am the one who has done more damage to the marriage than my H has. I'm the one who wasn't honest and open in the past. I'm the one who had the affair and my H didn't deserve that at all.<BR>

First off, thanks to all for your responses. I want to let you all know that I have been answering all her questions and trying to avoid any lovebusting along the way. The stuff she's asking questions about is stuff that happened during the first affair that she didn't know about until recently, so it's almost like she's finding out about the affair for the first time.<P>I completely understand her anger and I'm riding it out with as much patience and understanding as I can muster. The hardest part is acting "loving" towards her when all she protrays towards me is anger.<P>mkn - I was on the fence until recently. Last week actually. I decided that this is our chance to start over and create a new marriage using the MarriageBuilder methods. However, when all this old information was brought out she now says she doesn't think she can view me in the same way anymore.<P>Ginn - your advice to think before answering is good! thanks! some answers I've been giving have probably been hurtful and could've been worded differently. Hindsight is 20/20!<P>--airheart

airheart- i don't so much question him as make accusations. i want him to know what i think happened, and how much it hurt (most of the time, he denies it and calls me crazy, even if i have proof).<BR>A lot of details, im not sure if i want to know, but i dont want to REMIND him of her.<BR>Well, the accusations p*ss him off to no end, but i don't care, when i'm not sure that he is committed to me. On days i feel he is committed and MINE, i don't mention anything about it at all.<BR>It was really the limbo state that brought out the anger in me. Maybe your wife is just very in tune to your distance? Anger is sometimes the only way i feel i can get his attention at all.<BR>hope that helps.<BR>ps, been missing your input the last couple days!<P>------------------<BR>for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, till death do us part.<P><BR>

new_beginning -- <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>But I think that formulating a questionairre to catch you in a lie is hurtful.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>It's not that I am trying to catch my W in a lie. And I am not in anyway being hurtful. During the various stages of all this, my W and I have had several conversations during which I asked questions. Some of those are on the "list" I wrote. When my W has answered them before I have gotten completely different answers to the same question. It is my hope that now that htings have calmed down somewhat and we are communicating better, that She will tell me the real truth. So many of her answers in the past have been given to try and minimize my hurt. That is not what I want, and my W has gotten to the point where I think she understands that.<P>Now, why did I write this list?? That is actually very simple. We have a 6 year old daughter who really does not need to be involved in all this right now, and my W and I have very little time alone to be able to talk. I figured I could write the list out, my W could go through it, then when she is finished we can try and go over it together.<P>Make sense?<P>It is not my desire to hurt my W. I have tried explaining many times why I need the answers that I do, but never seem to adequately explain it so that people can understand. Basically the only way I know how to process information (about anything) is to have all the facts together. At this point in the marriage I do not have very many answers and as a result I am not fully able to put this behind me yet. I am working on it and I hope the answers from my W will help get me closer.<P>I hope this expalins things a little better and makes some kind of sense.<P>God Bless

I can't speak for anyone but myself, but I have asked questions just because there are certain things I need to know. Sometimes I just want to know. Maybe it's to help me figure out what she has that I don't. <P>------------------<BR>Give to the world the best you have, and the best will come back to you.<BR>* Viki

I needed the questions answered to find out what was missing in our marriage. To understand what he was needing, even though I still don`t know why he did it, thats why we just can`t move on yet, were just not ready to move on, I`m not ready, I still have unanswered questions.

My husband won't admit, much less answer ANY questions with answers other than, I don't know or I don't remember. <P>Soooooo - I've learned how to move on without knowledge....<P>But my real reason for knowing would be that I need to have that intimacy back. I need to know that there are NO secrets between us, that they share NO secrets - there are only OUR secrets, and that I AM his BEST FRIEND - not just the wife he feels "obligated" to.<P>I need to know that he NEEDS to share all parts of his life with me, not just the part that he thinks I am comfortable with.<P>I want to love him and care for him and share his entire life with him, not just bits and pieces and leftovers.<P>

I needed to ask the questions so that I could quit replaying them over and over in my mind. It was like watching a movie that you missed a big part of. I wanted to know what happend. <P>When I was asking questions, I too became angry. Not because I wanted to be, but because I was basically reliving the lies and betrayal. I couldn't control how it made me feel to hear my H describe his affair, even though I needed to know. I think it took a while (6 weeks) for me to put the pain of the details behind me, but they are no longer haunting and controling my thoughts like they were.

I try not to ask questions, I have asked teo and got one of them answered. I knew that I did not want details. It is hard enough to picture H with someone else. Therefore, I did not want to picture where they went, where they ate, what they talked about, what they did. If he ever agrees to work on our marriage I do not need those things. <P>If he agrees to work the marriage then there will questions surrounding why and what made a difference. I do feel however, that if your spouse wants to know little dirty detail you should give them that, but know that anger is a natural response even though they want to know. They also have to agree to never throw them up in your face under any circumstances.