I'm kind of confused as to what to expect and do. I understand that counselling is supposed to present a trained 3rd party listener to help people sort through their issues. Mine are pretty clear cut: WW had an affair. I'm trying to rebuild my marriage and gain confidence in my WW's ability to love and trust me again and me to be able to trust her... do I want her to be my 2nd chance? Truly?

Afterwards, if my wife asks about it... to what level of detail should I go into it?

Lyxa,

Is it a mediator or marriage conselor ?. Is your W will be there ?. Did she come home ?. -RH-

<small>[ July 01, 2002, 07:29 PM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

Just had first session with Jennifer tonight.

WELL worth the money. She is wonderful.

It's with an IC... we're going to do marriage counselling together through our church. In the meantime, she has a counsellor... I have a counsellor. I'm a bit nervous.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lyxa:
<strong>It's with an IC... we're going to do marriage counselling together through our church. In the meantime, she has a counsellor... I have a counsellor. I'm a bit nervous.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't be ... They are trained. I have Steve and had help me a lot. The first session is going to be collecting "story" from your side and from her side ... I call it the tale of two rights. When they have enough they will "coach" you. It is a bit different than traditional MC ... they are looking at helping you to be the best mate for her not just saving your M !!!!. Just be yourself and be honest ... radically honest.

Good Luck. -RH-

I will say,I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH GOING TO THERAPY TO SEE IF WE CAN SAVE MARRIAGE.BUT AFTER 6 CLASSES I FIRED HIM.HE WAS DOING ME AND MY WIFE NO GOOD.....AT THE END OF THE SESSION HE NEW I WAS MAD 30 MIN BEFORE.HE WANTED TO SET APPT.TO SEE HIM NEXT I SAID NO IT WAS DOING ME OR US NO GOOD ....HIS REPLY WAS OKAY I NEED MONEY AND ILL SEND YOU ON YOUR WAY...I SAID THATS WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT YOU DIDNT EVEN ASK WHY.YOUR NOT HELPING YOUR JUST SITTING HERE DOING NOTHING...\
BUT I WILL FIND ANOTHER HOPE THIS ONE WILL HELP ME
MONTROSE

montrose,

Call MB ... Jennifer or Steve ... don't settle for less. I heard there is a new Marriage Coach certification starts soon w/ min qualification of Master Degree in counseling <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

Yes, I agree w/ you there is more harm than good for MC that doesn't understand/uses MB.

-RH-

Counselling... really really really sucked.

She just wanted to talk about my feelings and how every waking moment of my life I have images of her and him running through my brain and how at night, the nightmares continue it. It was all I could do to not stop and pick up divorce papers on the way back from that. If there was a "therapeutic" side to that, I'm not sure what it was.

Lyxa,

Read Steve Harley point #3 in MB newsletter ... let me know if you need a copy, I could forward it to you. Get to go for competition <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ...

Is your IC from MB ? ... I am confused <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

-RH-

The IC is a Jewish group approved by our insurance... not from MB. I have a host of friends who have known me for years and know my wife hardly at because they moved on before I had even met her. Since D-Day, I have been able to reason with them by telephone reasonably secure that they will never interact with my wife. The best has been a mentor from college and close friend, now retired and living on the other side of the country. Even if they do meet, I trust his judgement and discretion.

The counsellor started off by asking why I had come. I gave her the timeline, presented the issues as I saw them in both short, intermediate, and long term, we discussed the consequences of the options I see at this point. It ended with her saying, "You are doing very well... viewing this from multiple perspectives and considering that there are many options. Your sense of humor may be what helps you the most in this."

The problem is that I don't have enough information yet. This morning (counselling was yesterday) was the first time my wife has honestly discussed and answered questions with just me. Counselling when you're still in the dark is like swatting gnats while wearing handcuffs. Just very frustrating.

I have another appointment for next week and I think I'll just ask, "What can I do to better communicate with my wife? She needs more affection and doesn't like how I give it to her even though she acknowledges that I do it enough. She also wants me to admire her ideas... but she hardly ever seems to have any. She just goes with the flow. How can I coax her ideas out of her without seeming intrusive?"

Thoughts?

Lyxa,

That's why you need a third party, a netural one to help both of you. You should sit back, I know it is hard ... If you could afford it call Jennifer or Steve or pick up a phone and start calling all MC in your area and ask them about MB ... if the say MB what ??? ... just thank them and hung up.

You can do nothing to tell your W ... it comes from you !!!. Have you pick up a copy of the language of love ... try it to open up your W. You need them in the long run to communicate. The third person in temporary help.

-RH-