'Hi everyone! Well after a long absence I finally have my own computer & am back & have just had my 2nd counselling session with Steve Harley.
For those of you that don't know my situation here goes..
We have been married for 27yrs & have 2 adult sons. H currently has a female friend (of 4 yrs)which i was unhappy about (he also had an affair 12 yrs ago)I voiced my opinion on this over & over that I could see the writing on the wall etc etc (major LB 4 H as he saw it as me not trusting him..

This friend rides horses with H so they spent plenty of time together, were always texting & o the phone etc etc, this woman was a family friend so this was all going on underneath my nose. Anyway H swears this is just a friendship but because of this we are now seperated & so is this friend & her H.
H finally told me he no longer loved me because of the way I was , he said when he loved me he could overlook those things (wouldn't tell me what they were) back in Jan I went to the UK as my mum has cancer, we had decided that we would seperate b4 I left, H said he didn't miss me at all while i was gone & that he had never felt so relaxed! I was gone for 9 weeks, anyway when i got back things were so bad that I ended up moving out of the house into a small flat next to the house, we were not getting along at all because i felt so rejected, when i came home H said are you still going to cook & do my washing 4 me I said no! you want to be on your own this is a taste of what it will b like we really should have seperated then because things went from bad to worse. Our farm & other business interests are now sold & he is living in the village, I left for 6 weeks to get some space & didn't tell h what i was doing at all, during the division of our property etc things were said via text messages as we could hardly say a civil word to each other. I have now come back to the same village & got myself a job. Steves first counselling session was mainly to asses our situation (it was just me talking to him)I had actually gone 2 plan B when i left because i was feeling so emotionally fragile that i couldn't take much more but Steve said this was the wrong thing to do so he now wants me o work my way back into plan A which is going to be difficult as H wants nothing to do with me.

So I sent H an email asking if i could talk to him about a couple of things & he sent me one back saying if you want to talk you had better get down here quick as i'm going out in 10 mins! So I went down & said could we both try & get along 4 the boys sake & also 2 stop so much gossip & so many people asking questions in the village (he had originally said couldn't we just B friends b4 our seperation but I just felt i couldnt handle that, I was at that stage then where i was thinking if you dont want me as your wife you can't have me at all as you dont treat your friends like you have treated me!) Anyway Steve asked me 2 pass on a request o H to ask H if he would talk 2 steve so that steve could get H perspetive on this so as to better B able to help me. H reply was a very blunt NO! I dont talk to anyone about this. So as Steve instructed I just changed the subject to something else & left after a short while & after apologising for making him late for wherever he had 2 b but he said it was OK it wasn't important. I also talked to H about our youngest boy who is 25 & wants nothing to do with his dad (which is sad but he is overseas & is obviously suffereing from all this) H said that our son needed to grow up! (a friend of our sons who H is also very friendly with has been talking to our son then blabbing to H, now the interesting thing is that H has gone away for 2 weeks up ariund where his dad lives & is not going to visit him (because H knows or thinks he will get an ear bashing from his dad I imagine) isn't that exactly the same thing & H said our son needs 2 grow up!!!!!!!!

Anyway during my session to steve yesterday he said I just have to remain in a holding pattern 4 the time being plan A as best as I can & make an appointment with him if i feel the need to,he said my H needs 2 feel admired so next time I see him (don't know when i will get that chance) if he asks me how I am I am to say "well I am finding things a little tough at the moment"& if he asks why I'm just 2 say because I miss you.. & then change the subject immediately b4 he gets a chance to reply because Steve says anything I say at the moment if he gets a chance to reply he will just shoot me down, steve says if i can keep plan A ing & do this it will confuse H & his feelings for me will change... I really hope it does, I feel i have done sooooooo much damage with LB these past few weeks, but i did hav 2 also look after my own interests financially & I only wanted what was fair. i can now see that a lot of the things I have done were actually pushing him away, letters i wrote H suggestig ways 2 fix things etc when he wasn't hvaing a bar of it all. Anyway just thought i'd give you all an update on how things r going with me.
Take care now!
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my main issue was how do I plan A from a distance especially after all the things I have done like the plan B letter I gave him enclosing my wedding ring! giving him all our wedding photo's to destroy stupid eh saying I know our marriage is over for now & maybe it wasn't meant 2 B, but of course I was an emotional wreck & it took me taking 6 weeks out to calm down & start to think rationally....I feel that we really should have seperated 8 months ago & not tried to live in the same house/different rooms H at first kept saying it was soooooo sad which made me feel soooooo helpless I just didn't know which way was up anymore, I know now looking back that I was doing these things in the hope of trying to make something CLICK!! in the hope that H would suddenly wake up & realise what was happening!! but of course thats not the way it works is it. (It was because I couldn't bear 2 think of being just friends & I guess every letter I have sent him has been explaining that I know what I have done wrong & has pushed h even further away) Anyway have now lost 70lbs!! yee ha another 30 to go & will B hitting the gym this week to keep myself busy, Steve says thats good because it will take my mind of things & I will B working on myself. Another thing Steve said was when I have to drive down the road to focus on something else look at the other side of the road (I have to pass both their houses to get anywhere) so will just B looking straight ahead as H house is also right opposite where this "friend"lives. When I had a coffee with H the other day I did notice him looking me up & down because I have lost so much weight so that made me feel good. One question I forgot to ask Steve was did he think it wise for me to aproach this "friend" to say we could still be friends??? as she is the local nurse & as we are very rural if i ever need medical assistance SHE IS IT!! I did tell H b4we seperated to pass on a message to her not to come & see me as I felt that she was the cause of all these problems, he said she was very upset & cried but the last thing i needed at that time was to hear her saying how sorry she was... I then sent her a letter (a nice letter) saying that I felt that I couldn't talk 2 her at the moment because I felt she was the end cause of our seperation. I feel that H would be pleased (but also maybe suspicious of my motives)Under no circumstances do I want to LB but, then again I run a big risk of her declining & shooting me down don't I.. I guess I am just a bit too desperate to get back into H circle & looking at it maybe it's not a good idea. Another thing I forgot to ask Steve's advise on was that about a yr ago I had email counselling from the UK, it was the biggest mistake i made because of course they only got my side of the story & they shot H down & he saw what they wrote which is why I am sure that H wouldn't talk to Steve & maybe saw this as me manupilating him into counselling, I just thought that maybe if I emailed H & said that Steve was not happy about how the counsellor reacted to H he may understand he wouldn't be shot down again. & also H has said he talks to no one about this that it's no one elses business but of course old blabber mouth here has because I guess i was in the poor old me syndrome, would it B OK to let H know that I have made a pact not to talk to anyone but Steve about all this.

Well as usual I have dribbled on 4 far too long again just wondered if anyone had any words of wisdom????
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wrungout,

You are in the good hand under SH ... I am glad he was helping me. This is my 2¢ ... Funny thing under fog, WS usually have a short term memory sepcially anything doesn't contribute to make them feel good. So about what you done mimicking plan B ... do nothing as if never happen <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> and if H brings it up, be honest and tell H that you have reacted under emotions.

With OF ... other "freinds" ... LOL !!!. Stay away from her, as you say you might LB'ed and those will be reported to H and drive them closer. Leave them alone.

Simliar about conseling ... don't say a word until H ask about it. Show to H the new you ... stronger and attractive !!! When H ask tell him honestly about SH and counseling in MB for now let it go.

One word of warning ... you might need med ! SH will measure your feeling in every conseling ... he will keep you in plan A as long as you could handel it ... I almost think that he enjoyed torturing me but now I understand why ... it was not time yet but it is very painfull rides.

-RH-

Hey Redhat! thanx for yor input (or 2 cents worth as u put it!)
I am going to stick to exactly what Steve told me to do & your advice cemented that 4 me which is good as i tend to have rip S**t & bust type of doing things & always regret them later on... anyway thnx once again i will keep u posted on any changes!