Well I know a lot of you are going to say well you haven't been in Plan B very long. However I feel I have done the best Plan A I could. Every stage that I went through with my wife(WS) I just kept hoping that something would change. Well when she moved out it was apparent of where her intentions were. At first I was ok with it because it gave me the break that I needed. However now that is has been about three weeks I am struggling with it. I do miss my wife very much so but I can't make her drink the water. I feel I have led her to the water but it is up to her to drink it. I am keeping myself as busy as I can but I am just struggling with this entire thing. I guess now it has just hit me hard that this could be forever. If I did know what the future held either way I think that would help me prepare for the future. I have no idea if my wife will say she wants a divorce and it is done. Or if she is going to say she wants to work on it. The counselor I have been seeing doesn't think my wife is coming back. She says my wife hasn't said that because she doesn't want to hurt me anymore but all the signs are there. Plus when you think about it why did my wife sign a 12 month lease on her apartment? She has gotten her own place, her own checking account, etc. I just really don't know what to think anymore. This is hard....

CG,

If she is back she meant to be yours. If she is not she was never meant to be with you forever. In any plan you are at ...
... don't think about it, focus on something else ... don't speculate, wait until the fact comes ... don't put any expectation, she don't want you to begin with in her A.

Pick up new hobby or any thing .... I might join to learn how to fly, small plane <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> , my buddy belong to a club near by. Habitat for humanity always need volunteer ... at the same time you learn how to be come a handyman ....

Just another point of view ... 12 mo. lease is the cheapest and some places don't even let you in w/ less than that. ... She has her own place, checking account, etc ... THAT IS GOOD !, you want your W to live the real life that might or might not come. Again, don't think or speculate ... do nothing about this A otherwise it will suck you into big D and drive you nuts !.

Redhat....

I hear ya on the trying to stay busy part. I am doing the best I can to keep busy. With how my wife (WS) treated me since I found out about all of this I am sort of at that point that it would be nice to get some attention myself. I mean why did she get her cake and eat it? I am not saying I want to go find my next wife but it is nice when I am out with friends and I can tell the women are into me. I do know that is playing with fire and I have done my best to try to stay away from that. Right now I know there is one other women who is really trying to be there for me during this. However I do know that could cause a lot of problems. I have been honest with her saying that where I am at in my life I just don't need to go there. There meaning where she might want it.
Right now I am trying to figure out my feelings and what I want in life. I can tell you I don't want to be treated the way I have been for almost a year. The sad part is that my wife hasn't treated me even close to being good in say over twelve months. That is a long time.
I do know I love my wife so much it hurts. But at the same time I don't want to feel like am living in a prison by not doing anything with other people. But I do know that if I do things with other people it may cause me to drift from where I am at. Maybe that is what is meant to be and maybe it isn't. I guess nobody knows that.

Of course redhat is right again...

Your focus needs to be on you...
...not in a "selfish" way (you see that perspective way too much on this and other forums)!

The focus on you means... what to do to make you a better man...

Closeness... rekindling... and reconversion...
...to a faith (maybe the faith you grew up in)...
...is what you need now...
...the missing "link".

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jim/NSR

C_G,

I too am in Plan B and face many of the same things you described.

I found that for the first while, WW seemed happy to have her space, too... she made no effort to make contact, and seemed pretty bitter.

But lately, I've seen evidence that she's discovering that separation / freedom isn't all that it's cracked up to be. That there's a lot of things she DOES miss about our lives. And according to IC/MC, she's NOT happy right now...

So no matter how they want the world to see them, inside themselves, they've got a lot going on.

Something I did for myself that made a really big difference is going away on a vacation by myself - a small adventure, somewhere far enough to feel like I'd escaped. It was really good - I think it's the most relaxed I'd been in a year! It's also a good way to make your W wonder if she's losing you... which she really is, on your schedule, not hers.

confused_guy,

I am glad NSR & J.R are around and helping out ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . You need a break, I did it last Christmas to Bend, OR for a week of skiing. When it is too hot get out of the kitchen for a while <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . J.R did it too. All BS is this stage including me, we just waiting ... waiting until we say enough of this and time to move on. The losses is not yours if you have learn about MB and how to care, protect, making sure you have quality time and you know you have to be radically honest ... for your next relationship. That is all matter right now and that is the only thing under our control. When we have enough and we are ready to move on w/ or w/o our WW ... one thing for sure we are armed w/ MB and sealing our defect to become a better person and an irristable mate <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ... We turn this painfull loss to be a positive future <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> .

Hang in there ... try to hang out w/ some MB'er in your area. Stay away from any oposite sex even they know your situation. I know you need some attentions but this is where you are right now. Playing with fire will get you burn and influence your decision. Stay focus and if ending this misery is what you think is best right now then do it ... but don't get involve into A right now.

God Bless you -RH-

That is a very good suggestion on getting away on a trip by myself. Unfortunately right now I can't get away from work. I will do my best to get some weekend retreats by myself. I know I need to stay away from people of the opposite sex. It is hard and I know I have made some mistakes in that department. I will do my best to walk the right path before everything is final one day.
The question I do have is do I ever sit back down with my wife down the line and try to talk to her? Since we are in Plan B I have no idea if she is really so happy being on her own or if she misses me and the marriage at all. I sort of wish I knew if she was missing me. It might make me feel better instead of me just feeling like crap when it comes to her feelings towards me.
I just have so many feeling and thoughts within me. I think often can I ever trust my wife again if she came back. Would I ever love her like I once did before I found out about her doing this three times behind my back. Could I ever live with my wife who would never give up two of her girlfriends for her husband. Is it time to move on in life and be with someone who trully likes me for who I am.
I know a lot of these answers are within me but I just can't seem to find them. I am just amazed on how hard this is when I first thought this would be so much easier. I just can't believe the feelings I have for my wife and it is sad that she is gone now. I have such strong feelings for her that I know I will always love her the rest of my life even if I am not with her. I have spent a third of my life with her and that is not something easy to forget.

Help...I need some strength from some where. With strength I am hoping to find that path that will provide some answers...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by confused_guy:
<strong>The question I do have is do I ever sit back down with my wife down the line and try to talk to her? Since we are in Plan B I have no idea if she is really so happy being on her own or if she misses me and the marriage at all. I sort of wish I knew if she was missing me. It might make me feel better instead of me just feeling like crap when it comes to her feelings towards me.
I just have so many feeling and thoughts within me. I think often can I ever trust my wife again if she came back. Would I ever love her like I once did before I found out about her doing this three times behind my back. Could I ever live with my wife who would never give up two of her girlfriends for her husband. Is it time to move on in life and be with someone who trully likes me for who I am.
I know a lot of these answers are within me but I just can't seem to find them. I am just amazed on how hard this is when I first thought this would be so much easier. I just can't believe the feelings I have for my wife and it is sad that she is gone now. I have such strong feelings for her that I know I will always love her the rest of my life even if I am not with her. I have spent a third of my life with her and that is not something easy to forget.

Help...I need some strength from some where. With strength I am hoping to find that path that will provide some answers...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">At this point, no don't even think about it ... you might talk to her after your Dv but there is no gurantee that you won't get hurt again. When you absolutely have no feeling for her by then ... maybe ... maybe you don't want it no more.

I gave you one pointer that might help you. When you want to like or love someone ... think only the best part of them or the best memory you have with them. When you want to hate someoen ... think only the worst part of them or the hurtfull felling that they had done to you. It is your choice ... I remember only how my WW hurts me and the lies and the continues unremorsefull behaviors. I surpressed the longing with those feeling, it helps me to move on.

Again CG ... it is her to loose your feeling. We don't want to go back and get our WW & M ... we want our W and fullfiling M for the future. How ?, well for one she has to agree compensate you in term of working on M based on MB ... care, protection, time & honesty. Many has worst situation and they have rebuild and have a fullfilling M. Until your WW comes around there is no chance for you to have a fullfiling M. At this stage, she is not ready and it is up to you when to get off this 'rooler coaster.

Take Care -RH-

Well my wife (WS) and myself got into world war three today (7/20) on the phone. I was not home and she wanted to stop by and pick up her roller blades, some water and some other things. I told her since I don't have keys to her place and since I wasn't going to be home that she couldn't do it. Then she went off saying that the house is half hers and she has the right to do so. So I said fine you can do that but I get keys to her place. Then she said what for you have nothing at my place. I said just about everything at her place is half mine. Bed, cd's, etc...
I don't believe I was in the wrong and I did remind my wife that she is the one that moved off. Also another thing that is just pissing me off is her folks live real close to my house. Some house my wife has been finding you from her mom every move I do. If I have friends over she finds out about it. If a friend spends the night she finds out about it. I think this is so uncool since I don't have a clue what my wife is up to. So I told my wife fine she can live there for six months and I live there. Then after six months we can switch. She was like no this is my place, blah, blah, blah.
To make a long story short my wife told me again she is waking away forever because the feelings aren't there for me and they haven't been there in awhile. Personally I don't want to talk to her until one day she see's that a little different. My wife is probably going to file I am guessing in about a month or two. She tells me she wants me to be happy and I told her fine when she decides to work on the marriage I will be happy. Then again she says oh I can't do that. I don't feel the same for you as I once did and it is gone. My gut feeling is she has someone else that she has fallen for. I am tired and worn out. So what do I do? Do I tell her don't talk to me anymore unless it is to say something different then she has been? I can't talk to her and even be nice because of the pain. She doesn't seem to understand that. I know she still has some stuff here at the house, but hey she is the one that moved out. So what do I do? I told her no contact, nothing. But she keeps calling and saying she needs to pick up this. Oh this bill is coming to the house can you cover it and I will pay you back.
What do I do????

If you're in Plan B...
...there should be NO discussions.

Apologize that you can't satisfy her "need" for the blades and water...
...politely offer the next day a family member can pick them up...
...and that's it.

As far a your things... or "jointly" owned things...
...work it out over time...
...no "flash" demands.

No LBs...
...LB-ing during Plan B doesn't allow the "natural" loss of love to occur.
Speeding it up by LB-ing...isn't giving you the time you need.

Remember... always... the focus is on you...
...not a selfish you...
...not a vindictive you...
...a better... more humble you!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jim/NSR

Ditto what NSR said! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

There's really nothing more to add to that ~ just want you to know I'm here reading and hoping you find some peace.

My WH moved out 5/02 and I'm finding I like our space. I'm finally at a place where I don't LB and we enjoy each other so much more. We have fun and we don't have the every day agrivations of our blended family to interfere with the focus of healing.

I wish you all the best!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Well it was a hard night for me to say the least with all that happened. I did call my wife late last night and left her a message on the phone apologizing for my actions and just tried explaining on where I am at and that is why I didn't want to speak to her. I guess to my suprise she caught me off guard this morning. I got a message at 5:40 a.m. (wonder what she was doing up so late) and she was crying on the phone. She was saying she never meant to hurt me like she knows she is. She went on to say that she just isn't happy in her life and she is missing something. And with missing something that is why her and I can't work out. She just kept saying she isn't happy in her life and something is missing and she isn't happy. In some way it was nice to hear my real wife again. But at the same time I am hearing the reason we aren't working out is because she isn't happy in life. Kind of hard hearing the reason we aren't meant to be because something is missing within her as far as happiness.
The part that I don't like is that she gave up her family and me for two of her girlfriends. I believe as well as the rest of her family that her two girlfriends are not the best roll models for her in her life. I know she has to make that decision but sometimes in life people make real bad decisions. This was a problem in our marriage that she wasn't willing to give up her two girlfriends over me or her family. I told her if she did give up her two girl friends now and she worked with having her relationship with her family again that I would give her whatever she wanted in life. If that be me saying here is what you want and I am walking away now.
I guess I need to pick my butt up and start my journey. My mind says one thing and my heart says something else. Even all that she has put me through I still love her more then I can say it. Life is hard and I wish it wasn't so hard....

If you really, really want to keep that love...
...stick firmly to Plan B.

Was your letter to her clear...
...in setting conditions/boundries?
Was it clear in "no contact"?
Was it clear (to her) that Plan B is to protect what little love you have left...
...and time is against her?

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jim/NSR

NSR...
Well I spoke to her in person about Plan B and never gave her my plan B letter. I am going to finish off my plan B letter and send it to her through the mail. My wife has no problem with time because she wants out right now. She has moved on with what she is doing and besides her feeling a little guilty for hurting me she has moved on. What I mean by moved on she is going out to bars, hanging with friends and co-workers, going to the beach, going to clubs, etc.. Now she says she just goes out to have fun, but come on going to a bar or club for a women is just a place to be hit up on. Honestly if she didn't see me hurting in all of this she would have no problem in what she has done to our marriage. My wife keeps saying but this is how I feel and this is what I want. She tells me the feelings for me are not coming back. Peronally I feel like saying fine we will talk say in six months or a year and then we can decide. MY wife has just taken our nine years and just thrown them right out the window. I don't know my wife anymore, that is the sad part.
So bottom line is that I made it real clear to her today that there will be no contact. She says oh what for it isn't going to change the way of how she feels about me. I told her I have to perserve what little is left.
My gut feeling is that my wife is going to walk away. I think after she starts to see other people she will realize what she had but by then it would be too late. I am just tired of hearing through friends I know, hey I saw your wife last week at the bar in Chicago.
This is just getting to me really bad. She knows what I am doing since I am still living in our house and her parents live real close. But I have no clue what she is doing. Life is so unfair to those who try so hard to make the marriage work.